Chapter 41 "self-sacrifice" (2)

A woman was abandoned by her husband and had to seek help from a psychiatrist.She cries about her husband being abusive, that he never cared about her, that there are many women out there.He lost all the money he bought for food in the casino.He often came home late at night, drunk, cursed and beat her when he got home.Just before Christmas, he ignored his wife and children and left the house alone.The psychiatrist felt sympathy for what happened to this woman, but after further understanding, the sympathy would be replaced by strong incomprehension: this woman has been abused for 20 years, divorced twice from her husband, and reunited twice , After numerous breakups and reconciliations.Doctors spent two months helping her overcome the pain of being abandoned by her husband.As soon as she walked into the doctor's office one morning, she announced cheerfully, "My husband is back! He called me last night and said he wanted to see me. We had just met and he begged me to allow him to come home." .I saw that he wanted to repent and was like a different person, so I allowed him to come back.” The doctor reminded her that this had happened more than once, and was she going to let the tragedy repeat itself?What's more, didn't she live well during this period of time?The patient replied: "But I love him, who can refuse love?" If the doctor wants to discuss with her further, what is "true love", the lady will be very angry and even decide to stop the treatment.

This is how it happened?The doctor struggles to recall all the details of the treatment.He recalled that when the patient described years of abuse by her husband, she seemed to enjoy some kind of pleasure from the abuse.The doctor couldn't help thinking: This woman endured the abuse without complaint, even willingly, and most likely she liked it.What is the motivation for doing so?Is she willing to endure abuse because she has spent her life striving for some kind of moral superiority?In other words, despite her difficult circumstances, she experienced a sense of superiority.When the runaway husband turned around and asked for her forgiveness, she transformed from abused to abuser, enjoying the pleasure of abuse.Her husband's begging made her feel superior, and she felt the joy of the avenger.Usually, such women suffered humiliation in childhood.In order to make up for the pain, they think they are morally superior, and enjoy the pleasure of revenge from the guilt and apology of others.The more humiliation and abuse they suffer, the stronger their sense of superiority, and thus the more emotional "nourishment" they receive.They don't need to be treated more kindly, because that would lose the premise of revenge.In order for the motivation for revenge to be plausible, they must experience the feeling of being hurt, which perpetuates specific psychological needs.Masochists regard enduring abuse as true love, but it is only a prerequisite for them to seek the pleasure of revenge. The motivation for enduring abuse comes from hatred rather than love.

Another misconception among masochists is that they wishful thinking and mistake self-sacrifice for true love.In fact, their subconscious harbors more hatred, and they are eager to be vented and compensated.The pastor we mentioned earlier was willing to sacrifice everything for his family, and he believed that his motives were solely for the sake of his family.His real purpose is to maintain a good image of himself.Sometimes we pretend to be considerate of others, maybe just to avoid responsibility and satisfy our own wishes.Everything we do is out of personal will, but the core motivation is to satisfy our own needs. No matter what we do for others, it may be for personal gain.For example, sometimes parents tell their children: "You should be grateful for everything we have done for you." At this time, it can be said with certainty that such parents lack real love for their children.Egoism and altruism are two different things, but we often confuse them.We love someone because we need to love someone else; we have children because we want them; we love our children because we desire to be loving parents.True love, which can change people, is essentially a kind of self-expansion, not pure self-sacrifice.True love can make the self more complete.Love, in a sense, is selfish, and its ultimate pursuit is self-improvement.Of course, being selfish or not is not the criterion for judging love. The only criterion for judging is: love --- always pursue the maturity of mind, otherwise, it is not true love.