Chapter 9 Time to Solve Problems (2)

The above-mentioned people we are talking about do not have obvious psychological barriers, nor will they have peculiar "intellectual defects" when facing problems. Their problem is only a lack of self-discipline.The situation of the financial analyst is enough to represent everyone.Who among us can say with confidence: They always spend enough time analyzing their children's problems and solving family crises?Who has really learned self-discipline and self-management, so that they will not face all problems negatively, and will not spread their hands in frustration and say, "This is beyond my ability"?

A lower and more destructive attitude to problem-solving than the impatient attitude of wanting to fix it right away is that of wanting the problem to go away.Everyone has this tendency: Once a problem arises, they need to solve it immediately, otherwise they will be upset and restless. Usually doesn't lead to any good results.A 30-year-old single salesman secretly dated the wife of another group therapy member during group therapy in a small city.Another therapy member was a banker who had recently separated from his wife.The salesman knew that the banker was chronically angry and depressed because he hated his wife for leaving him.The salesman knew that he had been dishonest with the banker and the other group therapy members because he had not disclosed his relationship with the banker's wife, which violated the basic principles of group therapy.He also knew that sooner or later the banker would know about his wife's relationship with him.The only way to solve this problem is to open up the relationship in the therapy group and gain everyone's support, and meet the banker's wrath and attack.But the salesman didn't say anything.Three months later, the banker found out about their relationship, and, as expected, the banker was so annoyed that he used this incident as an excuse to quickly discontinue the treatment.The salesman's hurtful behavior was finally questioned and criticized by the group members, but he justified: "I used to think that telling this matter might cause a fierce debate. If I don't say anything, everything will be discussed." It will pass and there will be no verbal wars. I thought if I waited long enough, the problem might go away."

—Problems do not disappear, they persist, they are permanent obstacles to spiritual growth. The group therapist reminds the salesman that ignoring the problem in order to avoid solving it and expecting it to go away is a big problem in his life.But four months later, in the early fall of that year, the salesman did another unthinkable move: He abruptly quit his sales job to start a furniture repair business (so he wouldn't have to travel so much).Seeing that he was desperate, the therapist questioned the rationale for his actions, since winter (low season) was approaching and he was likely in poor business.The salesman thought that the company could receive a lot of orders, so that he could tide over the difficulties quickly.In February, he announced to everyone that he had to give up treatment because he could no longer pay for it.He was so poor that he had to find another job.In the past five months, he has only repaired seven pieces of furniture.When he was asked why he didn't look for a job sooner given the bad prospects, he replied: "Six weeks ago, I thought I could make money quickly, but I didn't expect to get to where I am now, but at the time It seems that my situation is not so urgent! But, my God, it is completely different now, and I did not expect it at all!" Obviously, he ignored his own problems, and he finally understood that only by solving "ignoring problems" Only with this problem can he continue to solve other problems and move on to the next step—all psychotherapy in the world is essentially like this.

Ignoring the existence of the problem reflects people's unwillingness to delay gratification.I said it: Facing problems head-on can be painful.Problems usually do not go away on their own, and if left unresolved, remain forever, hindering intellectual maturity.We all have this experience: when a problem comes, it will inevitably bring different degrees of painful experience.Facing them as early as possible means postponing gratification, giving up temporary comfort and lesser pain for greater pain, and it pays off.Suffering now can lead to greater satisfaction in the future; not seeking a solution to the problem can make future pain greater and last longer.

On the surface, it seems that the indifference of the salesman in front of the problem is entirely due to his immaturity. In fact, like the financial analyst, that salesman also represents the situation of most people.A veteran general once told me: "The biggest problem in the army exists in any organization and institution, that is, the vast majority of commanders just sit in the office, staring at a lot of problems, It’s been too long to make a decision, let alone take actual action, it seems that if you stare at it for a few days and nights, the problem will disappear by itself.” The commander the general was referring to was not some ordinary people who lacked willpower, Not people with weak minds or abnormal personalities, but high-ranking military officers with deep qualifications and rigorous training.