Chapter 9 Chapter 2 The Theory of Love-34

(4) Self-love The concept of loving others is taken for granted and acceptable, but it is generally believed that loving others is a virtue and loving oneself is a sin.People think that it is impossible to love others as you love yourself, so self-love is self-interest.This view has been around for a long time in Western thought.Calvin regarded self-love as a kind of "plague". Although Freud used psychiatric terms to talk about self-love, his views were similar to Calvin's.For him, self-love is narcissism, the use of the libido on oneself.Narcissism is an early stage of human development, and those who regress to this stage are incapable of love, and these people develop into madness at the apex.Freud believes that love is the manifestation of sexual desire, and the libido is used either as love to others or to oneself as self-love.So love for others and self-love are mutually exclusive, more of one and less of the other.If self-love is a vice, it follows that selflessness is a virtue.

Here the following question arises: Does psychological observation confirm the idea that there is a fundamental contradiction between self-love and love for others?Are self-love and self-interest the same thing, or are they in opposition to each other?Furthermore, is the self-interest of modern man really a love of the self with all rational and emotional possibilities, or is it interpreted differently?Is self-interest exactly the same as self-love or is self-interest just the result of a lack of self-love? Before we analyze self-interest and self-love from a psychological point of view, we must analyze the false logical conclusion that self-love and love for others are mutually exclusive.If it is a virtue, and not a vice, to love another as a human being, then it should be a virtue to love oneself, for I too am a human being, and all notions of human beings relate to me.The above principles are therefore inherently contradictory.The saying in the Bible "love others as yourself" shows that respect for your own integrity and uniqueness, loving yourself and understanding yourself are inseparable from respecting, loving and understanding others.Loving me is closely linked with loving another being.

Here we touch upon some of the psychological prerequisites which lead us to these conclusions.It can be summarized as follows: The objects of our feelings and attitudes are not only other people, but also ourselves.Attitudes toward others and our attitude toward ourselves do not contradict each other, but exist in parallel.Answering our question from this point of view means that loving others and loving ourselves is not an alternative, but quite the opposite: everyone who is capable of loving others must also love himself.In principle, loving yourself and loving others are inseparable.True love is an expression of inner creativity, including factors of caring, respect, responsibility and understanding.Love is not a passive impulsive emotion, but an active pursuit of the development and happiness of the loved one. The basis of this pursuit is the human ability to love.

The very fact of loving another human being is the embodiment of the power of love.The principled affirmation contained in love is directed to the loved one who embodies the human being and humanity.Love for one includes love for all such people. The form of "division of labor": loving one's own family but not loving others is a manifestation of lack of ability to love.Love of humanity is a prerequisite for love of a particular person, although love of humanity is, as it were, developed through love of particular persons. From this it follows that I myself am also the object of my love, indistinguishable from others.The affirmation of your own life, happiness, growth and freedom is based on the ability to love, that is to say, whether you have the ability to care for others, respect others, have a sense of responsibility and understand others.If a man is capable of loving creatively, he must also love himself, but if he loves only others, he is incapable of loving.

We may assume that love of self and love of others exist in parallel—how then can we explain the egoism which apparently excludes all concern for others?Self-interested people are only interested in themselves, and everything is for their own use. They don't appreciate the pleasure of "giving", but only want to "get".They are only interested in everything around them that can profit from it.Egoists only see themselves, and always judge all people and things according to whether they are beneficial to them. They have no ability to love in principle.Doesn't this conclusion just prove that there is only one alternative between caring for oneself and caring for others?Is it correct to think of self-interest and self-love as the same thing?But it would be a complete mistake to think so, and this mistake has led to many incorrect conclusions on the subject of self-love.Self-interest and self-love are by no means the same thing; they are actually contradictory.Selfish people don't love themselves too much, but don't love themselves too much.Lack of love and concern for oneself shows a lack of life within the person and can leave him feeling empty and disappointed.The unfortunate and timid man will, if necessary, make up for his lost happiness by various other gratifications.He seems to care about himself very much, but in fact he is only trying to cover up and supplement his lack of love by caring for himself.Freud's view is that a selfish person is a narcissist who applies their love for others to themselves.It is true that selfish people are incapable of loving others, but they are equally incapable of loving themselves.

It is easier to understand what self-interest is if we compare it with the kind of possessiveness that may be seen in the mother of an overwrought child.On the one hand the mother sincerely believed that she was especially good to her child, but on the other hand she really felt an almost imperceptible hostility towards the object of her affections.The reason why the mother is so worried about the child is not because she loves the child too much, but because she wants to make up for her lack of ability to love the child. Our theory of the nature of egoism is consistent with the experience of psychoanalysts in the treatment of egoism. "Forgetfulness" is a symptom of neurosis, which can be seen in a large number of patients, but these people are generally not affected by this symptom, but by other symptoms related to this symptom. Symptoms, such as world-weariness, weakness, inability to work, and poor handling of love problems.But "forgetfulness" is not regarded as a symptom of a disease, as I said above, but in most cases is regarded as a proud and only satisfactory character trait. The "selfless" person wants nothing but "others" and takes pride in not valuing himself.But he is surprised when he finds that, despite his selflessness, he is unhappy and that his relations with other people are still unsatisfactory.Psychoanalysis shows that this "forgetfulness" is a symptom, and often one of the chief symptoms.The patient has no ability to love, nor is he able to make himself happy. He is full of hostility to life, and behind his selflessness lies a strong selfishness that is often unaware of himself. We can only regard his "selflessness" as It is a symptom that makes him overcome his lack of creativity, that is, the root cause of "selflessness" and other symptoms, and he will be cured.

The nature of selflessness is especially expressed in its effect on other people - most often in our culture it is the effect of a "selfless" mother on her own children.The mother believes that the child can realize what it means to be loved through her "selflessness", know and learn what love is.But the effect of her "selflessness" is often against her will.The children did not show that they were happy, that they were loved; they were timid, nervous, worried about being scolded by their mother and trying to satisfy their mother's wishes.They were generally infected with the mother's deep-seated hostility and fear of life, and they felt it more than they recognized it.All in all, the influence of the "selfless" mother is not very different from that of the egoist, and often the former outweighs the latter; for the mother's selflessness prevents the child from criticizing herself.The children live under the pressure not to disappoint their mothers, and are taught to despise life under the mask of morality.Given the opportunity, observe what a mother who truly loves herself does to her child, and be sure that there is no more positive influence on her child's experience of love, joy, and happiness than a mother who loves herself.

Eckhart*(*Eckhart, medieval German mystical philosopher and theologian. He believed that God is all things, and all things are God; through his own spirituality, man can become one with God and mix with all things There is a saying that sums up the thought of self-love most brilliantly.He said, "If you love yourself, you will love all men as yourself. If you love one less than yourself, if you do not love all men as yourself, if you are not in one Love all men—for this man is God and man. A man who loves himself and others as himself is such a man, and a man worthy of such evaluation." ⑷