Chapter 27 5.h It is better to build yourself than to build a network

Once at a lecture at Peking University, I met a student who asked me, "Teacher, do you think learning is more important than making connections?" Seeing his mixed expression, I first took out my notebook and wrote down the question, and then told He said, this is a relatively big topic, I will carefully write an article and put it on the Internet, and then gave him my blog address.Then he added, "Believe me, even if the so-called connections are important, they are not as important as they say." Go to the bookstore and have a look. How many books have the word "connection" in the title in that special counter or special area?Too much. "Connections - the first productive force of personal success", "Win in contacts", "Knowledge + contacts = success", "Building golden contacts", "How to know tens of thousands of people--55 steps to expand contacts", "90 Establish a career network in seconds"...there are even more books with "human connection" in the title. Searching "personal network" on "Dangdang" can find 521 books, and searching "human relationship" can find 4949 books, while searching "success" can find 53879 results...

There is basically no difference in the nonsense that can be seen everywhere, it is all nonsense anyway.The following excerpt from a book is not the most egregious nonsense: In China, the most wonderful way of judging practical issues is to care about "face". This kind of typical example can often be seen not only in the political circles, but also in the business circles.For example, when you want to sell products to customers, another company is also doing the same competition, and the estimated outcome is four to six, which is not good for us. In this case, if you have a supporter and Its "face" can reach the high-level customers, so just a word from this person can turn danger into victory.Let's give another example, if you want to propose a plan to the company, and whether the opinion can be adopted depends on how many people in the company are willing to help you and support you, and you can roughly estimate the result.This is the reality of human society.From this point of view, it is not an exaggeration to say that "a capable businessman can be judged by the number of supporters".In fact, people who are called masters or competent all have a common condition, that is, they have many personnel "channels" inside and outside the company, that is to say, they have a wide network of contacts and a lot of "face".

In a little text, it is not easy to make mistakes again and again. …If you have a champion whose “face” reaches the top of the client, a single word from that person can save the day. Is this possible in a normal world other than "corruption"? ... If you want to propose a plan to the company, and whether the opinion can be adopted depends on how many people in the company are willing to help you and support you, and you can roughly estimate the result. Whether an opinion can be adopted, in the normal world, should it be considered whether there is enough reason for that opinion?If that opinion is very thoughtful and has obvious benefits, will there be so many people opposing it?

You can get everything with "face", what a beautiful idea. Let's start from the beginning.Think about it first, what kind of person would you like to be friends with?Since kindergarten, everyone already has some principles for choosing friends-even if they don't know it.In fact, the uneven distribution of resources will inevitably lead to some kind of dependence relationship between people.If you observe it, you can see the fact: children with more toys in the kindergarten are more likely to be regarded as friends by other children.So, the child with the most toys has the most friends?The answer is not in the affirmative.

If you, like me, have the opportunity and happen to be willing to spend a little more time talking to the kid with the most toys, you'll quickly discover that, in his mind, friends, like all adults, are classified as "real." friends” and “friends in general”.Let's call the child with the most toys "Xiaoqiang". I was curious at the time.Patiently waiting for Xiaoqiang to tell me who his "real friends" are.In the end, he told me, there are only two real friends.One of them is a boy and the other is a girl.Then I asked him, "Why do you think that boy is your real friend?" Without hesitation for a second, Xiaoqiang told me, "He never snatches my toys, he trades them with me." I asked again He, "Then, why do you think that girl is your real friend?" Xiaoqiang hesitated for a while this time, and after confirming that I would keep him a secret, he stammered, "She's pretty. I bought all the new toys Give it to her first..." I laughed.After a while, I asked him again, "Does she think you look good?" Xiaoqiang was stunned for a moment, his eyes full of innocence, "I don't know..." I asked again, "Then whose toy is she holding now?" Nervous, "Not mine." I decided not to ask the little girl any more questions.

For various reasons, there are always only a few people in life who are the friends most people want to make.But again, for various reasons, the majority does not know how the minority understands the behavior of the majority.Just now Xiaoqiang said that his "real friend" never "robbed" his toys, but "changed".Pay attention to these two words. Here we do not discuss the so-called "scheming".It is true that some people have a deep city, at least deeper than others. They can achieve their goals by means that ordinary people can't think of, even if they think of it, they can't do it.Here, we only discuss the most common cases.

All people like and value and even prefer one kind of exchange, the "fair exchange".Xiaoqiang may not realize that the number of toys he owns makes it difficult for him to encounter "fair exchange" from the perspective of probability, because most children do not have many toys, or even no toys at all, so those children actually have no chance , nor have the ability to make a "fair exchange" with him.For him, an unfair exchange is equivalent to "robbing", and no one likes "being robbed".And the boy who "changed" with him made Xiaoqiang feel fair.Xiaoqiang also has what he wants but doesn't own, so he also "changes" instead of "robbing", because he himself doesn't like "being robbed"-giving the girl the latest toys to play with first. ...

In a sense, although most people don't want to admit it, their so-called "friendship" is actually nothing more than an "exchange relationship".However, if the resources you have are not enough and not good enough, then you are more likely to become a "taker", unable to achieve a "fair exchange", and eventually become a burden on the other party.At such times, the so-called "friendship" will slowly die.There is also a time to continue, but it is more likely that the other party is patiently waiting for the next exchange in order to achieve "fairness".In the movie, when Amerigo Bonasera, the owner of the coffin shop, is determined to find Godfather Corleone to vent his anger on him and seek justice for his daughter, Amerigo is the "acquiring party".After many years, godfather Corleone finally knocked on Amerigo's door late at night...

Therefore, it is conceivable that people with more resources prefer and are more likely to exchange with another person with the same amount of resources or the same quality of resources.Because, in this case, a "fair deal" is easier to produce.In fact, such examples can be seen everywhere in life.Even on campus, the essence of "exchange" is not so obvious, but behaviors of the same nature are not uncommon.For example, a recognized talent in a certain department will meet another talented person recognized in another department by "chance" and become a "best friend".As the saying goes, "Heroes see the same thing", which may be the reason why they are still like old friends, so their conversations and any other activities often make them feel very "speculative" with each other.

There are too many such examples. When 15-year-old Shen Nanpeng and 14-year-old Liang Jianzhang met for the first time, the two ignorant teenagers would not realize that they would join hands to create a miracle in China's Internet industry 17 years later.In the first national computer competition for middle school students in 1982, these two mathematics "child prodigies" won awards at the same time. It is not because the two of them are good that each becomes excellent.But because they are all excellent, they can be very close, and then the collision of fate produces brilliant sparks.

On the contrary, these people who are recognized as excellent are often not "low-key" or "approachable" in fact.This is not their intention.They have no intention of annoying the "mediocre" people around them, but invisibly they have such an experience-"communicating with these people, the cost of communication is too high..." Unless one day, these people finally realize that they are You should protect yourself, because some misunderstandings never get a chance to be explained.So, they start to be "humble", they learn to be "low-key", and they appear "approachable". Many years ago, I noticed a phenomenon. When others asked me for help, I was often very conflicted in my heart, but I was afraid that others would say that I was a so-called "uninteresting person", so I bit the bullet and did what I didn't like. things.When I was particularly injured once, I suddenly thought about it and realized that this kind of embarrassment did not come from my lack of "helpful" character in essence, but from my own energy not being strong enough, not strong enough to While it is more than enough to handle my own affairs, I also have a lot of time and energy to help others - in fact, I am already a mud bodhisattva crossing the river.Later, I began to wonder whether Lei Feng's leader was too idiotic because he didn't assign enough work to his subordinates. --This was a very pleasant surprise to me that night, because I found that I was thinking independently. Admitting that one's abilities are limited is a prerequisite for mental health.From the day I rethought Lei Feng's leadership, I struggled to learn how to do things according to my ability.It’s funny to say that my IQ was so limited that I didn’t expect that "doing what I can" is such a difficult behavior pattern--1) admit that my ability is limited; 2) not afraid to show timidity in front of others; 3) dare not to prove that I am "Good guy"... Therefore, often only excellent talents have effective contacts.And precisely because these people may have to avoid the attempt of "unfair exchange" anytime and anywhere, they pay more attention to their own quality, knowing that it is a virtue not to cause trouble for others, and to be alone.As the saying goes, "There are many things, people leave", which is a very accurate observation.Those who are not good often don't know such a seemingly simple truth. They don't even realize that their situation can only make them play the role of "taker"; Fair exchange" is more likely to make the exchange fail in the end-because no one likes "unfair exchange"; every time the exchange fails, it will further cause its own losses, so that the resources it owns will either decrease in quantity or decline in quality. Make yourself more likely to become a "taker" - a vicious circle, and may even never turn over. There are also some people who are too eager to establish a so-called network, regardless of their own situation.For such people, people often use some special words to describe them, such as "flattery", "flattery", "bullying inferiors and charming superiors", and even "forming cliques for personal gain" and so on.Such people are often not what they deliberately insist on.They only vaguely realize that their own power is too small, so they hope to use other powers.And the smaller a person is, the stronger his desire is.The characteristics of such people are very obvious. One of them is that in their daily life, they often refer to people who everyone looks up to in an intimate way intentionally or unintentionally, regardless of whether they really have personal relationships with "big people".In the Chinese context, they will only say the name and not the surname: Li Kaifu is not called "Li Kaifu", in their mouth it is "Kaifu"; Peng is not called "Shen Nanpeng", but "Nanpeng" in their mouths; recently, I have heard more terrifying and creepy things, "Xiao Yu" (Yu Minhong), "Xiao Deng" (Deng Feng) , "Daxiang" (ideal)... On the whole, connections are of course very important.However, for an individual, what is more important is the resources he has.Some resources are difficult to obtain instantly, such as money, status, and reputation, especially in the real world where the acquisition of these resources depends more on birth and luck.However, some resources can be easily started from scratch, such as a person's talent and knowledge.Whether it is talent or knowledge, it is something that can be obtained through hard work.Once a person's mental ability is normally activated, he will find himself in this world where information is readily available. As long as he works hard normally, and has patience and time to be friends, he can easily become an expert in at least one field.Effort is not as hard as it is in the legend, but it is "at least six hours of concentrating on studying and working every day"; patience is far greater than most people imagine, "to be with time is at least five years, and as long as twenty year" . Today, many years later, I have discovered another thing that I could not have understood or anticipated many years ago with mediocre IQ (of course I still have mediocre IQ now, but with more wisdom): when a person is surrounded by excellent When he was a man, no one asked him for help-because these excellent people around him are almost ashamed to waste other people's time, and at the same time, these people are considered excellent precisely because they can solve problems when they encounter problems. If, finally, one day, you have become an expert in a certain field, you will be pleasantly surprised that the so-called efficient contacts in the true sense will actually break through the door.The people you meet will come from completely different levels and from all kinds of unexpected directions.And you yourself are no longer the useless you you used to be, you are no longer a "taker", you are playing the role of "helping others" - few people hate kind help, let alone you are called to help of it. Even, you will get unexpected help.If you are an excellent and valuable person, then there will be many other excellent and valuable people to help you.At such times, such help is often indeed "selfless".Just as there is no doctor who becomes angry just because of too little pay after heals the wounded, those who have a certain level of excellence and a certain level of open-mindedness can often really "give kindness without reciprocating".Because for them, having the opportunity to "validate their own ideas" is more important than anything else, and it can make them physically and mentally happy.However, the really interesting phenomenon is that you who are being helped must know the truth of "the kindness of a drop of water should be repaid with a spring" just because you are not an ordinary person.In the end, everyone is happy, just because "communication costs are almost zero", and the effect at the same time is naturally "communication benefits are relatively infinitely magnified".Virtuous circle. The wisdom of life lies in concentrating on changing what can be changed and temporarily ignoring what cannot be changed.Concentrate on building yourself, making yourself an excellent person, a useful person, and an independent person, more than anything else.Build yourself, build your network -- if it's as important as they say it is.In fact, I've always felt that the myths about connections leading to success are very fictional, nothing more than fantasies created by people who don't know the truth. I'm not saying that you don't have to care about anyone around you anymore, or that you don't need to deal with anyone from now on.Being good at connecting with people is also a skill that needs to be learned and also takes a lot of time to practice.I just remind you, don't overestimate yourself and mistakenly think that you have so much time to properly handle your relationship with everyone around you.Browse the names in your mobile phone address book, how many have not been contacted for a long time?Over the years, I have only seen two or three people answer me and say, "The longest time I haven't contacted is no more than two weeks." One of them is still a very stubborn and special person. In his mobile phone address book, there are only 22 names. Bi Shumin once mentioned one thing about herself: … The fact that I took a psychology course was purely accidental.My friend XX broke her lumbar spine, put on plaster pants, and lay paralyzed on the bed for three months.I wrote a line on the calendar on the wall of my house: "Call XX every week." I was a doctor, and I know that bedridden patients are very lonely, and I hope to lie down and chat.Later, I followed the instructions on the wall calendar and called this person every week, chatting without saying a word.Even though I am very busy, I still spend a little more time to make her happy.Later, she casually said that Lin Mengping, a professor of psychology at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, went to Beijing Normal University to lead students... I asked, can I learn from her?My friend said, I don't know.Later, I thanked that friend and said, I can study psychology, thanks to your broken waist. In fact, there is only one manifestation of real concern in the end: willingly spend time for it, even if it is "wasted" time.It's also easy to understand.Because, when you spend time on a person, it is equivalent to pouring a part of your life into him-no matter what the final result is, anyway, that person and that matter have become part of your life , whether you like it or not in the end.Everyone's time is limited.So in the end, there are only a few "truly good friends" of anyone. This is really a topic big enough to write two books on.Here are a few of my simple, but not-so-easy-to-practice suggestions: * Concentrate on doing things that can improve yourself; learn and have more and better skills; become a person worth interacting with; * Learn to be independent and take it as a virtue not to cause trouble to others; use your independence to win respect; * Unless there are special reasons, you should try to avoid those who cannot even be independent in material life; those who cannot be independent in spiritual life should be avoided even more-although it is more difficult to identify; * Really caring about a friend means that you are willing to spend or even waste more time on him; * Remember that a person's happiness often depends on how much he can break away from the attachment to the outside world.