Chapter 39 ted's story

Ted was 30 when he saw me, living the life of a hermit.For seven years, he lived in a small wooden house deep in the woods, with few friends, let alone anyone close to him.He hasn't dated any women in the last three years.As a break, he does some woodworking occasionally, and spends most of his time fishing, reading, or trying to make frivolous decisions like: What should I have for dinner?How to prepare?Is it time to buy an inexpensive tool? ... In fact, he is very smart and has a considerable inheritance, so he doesn't have to worry about making ends meet. At his first visit, he confessed that he had serious psychological problems.He said: "I know that people should live a valuable and meaningful life, but I am indecisive and can't make any decisions, let alone important ones. I think I should start a career, so I considered going to graduate school. , or to learn a vocational technology. However, nothing can arouse my interest. I also considered becoming a teacher, or concentrating on academic research, such as international relations, medicine, and agricultural biology, but in the end it was nothing. I just tried it for a day or two at most. No matter what field I was in, I was discouraged when I encountered difficulties and felt that my choice was wrong. I felt that life was full of insurmountable problems."

Ted told me that his mental problems started at 18.He had just entered college and everything was going well.He lived a very normal life, with two older brothers, a wealthy family, harmonious parents, and caring for their children.Ted had attended a private boarding school and had excelled.Later, he fell madly in love with a girl, and unfortunately, a week before entering university, the girl rejected his advances, which was a huge blow to him.He was in so much pain that he drank almost every day during his freshman year of college, but luckily he did well academically.Later, he fell in love several times, but because he didn't take it seriously each time, it ended in vain, and his academic performance began to decline.

In his junior year, his good friend Hank died in a car accident, which also shocked him a lot.Still, he overcame the blow.That year, he even got rid of the bad habit of drinking, but his indecision problem became more and more serious.He still couldn't decide what topic to choose for his graduation thesis.He completed course credits and rented an off-campus house to prepare for his dissertation.As long as you submit a short thesis, you will be able to graduate smoothly.Other students could complete this task within a month, but it took him three years.He has done nothing since, and just seven years ago he moved into that forest and lived alone in the cabin.

Ted believes that his psychological problems should be related to sex, because his problems seem to stem from the failure of love.He has read nearly everything Freud wrote, probably more than I have.During the first six months of formal therapy, we explored his sexual development in childhood in depth, without any success.Nevertheless, I glimpsed some peculiar aspects of his character.One of them is that no matter what he does, he lacks the minimum passion.For example, he may look forward to good weather, but when the good weather comes, he will at most shrug his shoulders and say, "It's nothing special, this day will always pass." One day, he caught a fish in the lake. Fat barracuda, "I couldn't eat it all by myself, and I had no one to share with me," he said, "so I threw it back in the lake."

Contemptuous and disdainful of everything, nothing seemed to satisfy him, and his eyes were exclusively those of the critic.With a critical attitude, he keeps a distance from everything that may affect his mood.Ted is very private, and it is difficult for me to know more details, which makes the treatment go very slowly, and I have to get more valuable information from him. He had this dream: "I appeared in a classroom and I saw something there, I didn't know what it was. I quickly put it in a box and sealed it up so no one could see it. Then, I hid the box in a dead tree. The middle of the tree was empty, and I nailed the bark together with screws. I sat in the classroom again, and it suddenly occurred to me that the screws might not be tightened. I went into the woods and put the screws back in place, and I felt at ease. Then, I continued to sit in the classroom and listen to the lecture.” Like other patients, Ted dreamed of classrooms and classes, which is a kind of spiritual self For treatment, he obviously does not want me to find out his past and find the crux of his neurosis.

In the sixth month of treatment, Ted's thick spiritual armor showed a small crack.The night before he came to see me, he had gone to a friend's house to play.He complained: "Last night was really boring. My friend let me listen to the record he bought. It was the soundtrack that Neil Gammon composed for the movie "Heaven and Earth and the Gull". I was really upset. I don't understand. Such a good education, why do you think that boring stuff has value, and call it music?" His contempt was too obvious, so I pricked up my ears and read his thoughts carefully.I said: ""Heaven and Earth and the Gull" is a religious work, so the music also has a religious flavor, is that right?''

"If you regard it as music and say it has a religious taste, maybe it's okay." "It's probably the religious flavor of it that turns you off, not the music itself." Ted said, "Maybe. I hate that religion anyway." "What kind of religion do you hate?" "Abusing emotions, being coy." When he said these words, his expression and tone revealed extreme disgust. "What other religions are like this?" I asked. He looked a little confused, a little flustered, "I don't think there are many. Anyway, religion has always been unattractive to me."

"Has it always been like this?" He smiled with some regret: "No, I was simple-minded when I was a teenager, and I was very religious at that time. When I was in the third grade of the boarding school, I even worked as a deacon in the school chapel." "What happened next?" "What later?" "How did your religion change?" "Probably because I've grown up so I don't need it anymore." "How did you grow up?" "What do you mean by that?" Ted was a little annoyed. "Everyone grows up. How others grow up is how I grow up. Do you need to ask?"

"When did you find yourself growing up and not needing religion anymore?" "I don't know. I told you before that I haven't been to church since I was in college." "Not at all?" "Not once." "In the third year of high school, you worked as a deacon in the school chapel. During the summer vacation, you experienced a blow from a broken relationship and never went to church again. Such a big change, in your opinion, is it the same as being rejected by your girlfriend? Does it matter?" "I don't think it has much to do with it. There are a lot of classmates who are similar to me. At a certain stage, everyone no longer believes in religion. I don't believe in religion anymore. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I broke up with my girlfriend, maybe it doesn't. I can't tell. I just know that I didn't have any interest in religion after that."

About a month later, there was a new breakthrough in his treatment.At the time, Ted and I were discussing his lack of passion, his lack of interest in everything.He admits: "The last time I was passionate about something was about ten years ago. I wrote a final paper on a topic related to modern English in my third year of college. I remember writing very deeply and attentively. .” "What's your thesis title?" I asked. "It's been so long, I can't remember. "Nonsense. How is it possible? Think about it carefully, and you must remember." "Probably discuss the British poet Hopkins. In my opinion, he should belong to the earliest and truly modern poets. My thesis seems to analyze his poem "The Beauty of Complexity."

I went into the study and found an English poetry textbook from my college days. The poem "Beauty of Complexity" is on page 819. I read: God deserves to be praised, it is he who created the colorful things and the colorful colors of the sky Spotted like a cow The rosy mole moves with ease Like a free-spirited colorful salmon Chestnuts about to explode in the red charcoal fire The beautiful wings of the goldfinch; The undulating mountain depressions, the plowed fields in Xianli, and the newly plowed terraced fields all of these constitutes a layered majestic landscape There are also different attire, tools, and equipment of people from all walks of life Everything opposite, primordial, redundant, weird The world is ever-changing and everything is gathering (who can really understand the true meaning?) Fast and slow, sweet and sour, dazzling and dark beauty created by god above all change and let us praise him from the bottom of our hearts My eye sockets are moist.I was deeply moved and said: "This is a poem full of enthusiasm and passion." "yes." "The poem has a strong religious undertone." "yes." "This paper, you wrote at the end of the fall semester, so it should be in January, right?" "That's right." "If I remember correctly, your good friend Hank had a car accident in February of the same year." "right." At this time, I felt that the atmosphere in the room was a little tense.I wasn't quite sure what to do next, so I continued to ask instinctively: "So, at 17, you were rejected by your first girlfriend, and then you gave up your religion. Three years later, because of the last The death of a good friend, the abandonment of passion for everything." "It's not that I gave up, but my enthusiasm was sucked dry by all of this," Ted exclaimed.He was like yelling, I've never seen him so emotional. "God rejects you, so you reject God, right?" "Isn't it possible?" he said in his customary retort. "This world is disgusting. It's always been disgusting." "I thought your childhood was very happy." "Not at all. My childhood was even more disgusting." Beneath Ted's seemingly calm appearance, there are painful childhood memories hidden.The two elder brothers used to bully him all the time, to the point of being unbearable.Ted's parents were more career-focused, and they resented each other, with little involvement in their children's affairs.In their view, it is normal for brothers to quarrel.They never thought about how to protect young Ted.Ted's greatest consolation was hiding in the country and walking alone.It can be seen from this that, as early as more than ten years ago, deep in his heart, the seeds of living alone were planted.Only by being alone can he breathe a sigh of relief and truly stay away from the torture of his brothers.Recalling the past, Ted's hatred for the world gushed out like a spring.Over the next few months, he kept telling me about his sad childhood, his girlfriend's rejection, and Hank's tragic death.He felt that these were unbearable for him. His life was like a huge whirlpool where death and pain coexisted, danger and evil coexisted. After 15 months of trying, a turning point came in Ted's treatment.That day he brought a small notebook and said: "You often say that I cover up the truth too much and refuse to tell my secrets, and the truth is the same. I packed up the things in the past last night and saw this diary from my sophomore year. I I haven’t re-read it yet, so I’ll leave it to you intact. Maybe you’ll be interested in seeing what I was like ten years ago.” I said I would.I finished reading the diary in two nights.The diary once again confirms his past lifestyle: solitary, like to be like a hermit.In addition, there is not much fresh and valuable information.However, one thing caught my attention: one Sunday in January of that year, he went out to climb mountains alone, caught up with a snowstorm, and returned to the school dormitory at midnight. , 'How excited I am,' he wrote, 'I have a feeling of ecstasy when I come back safely, just like the experience of escape from death last summer. The next time I see him, I will ask What happened to him that summer. "I told you," he said. Every time he said this, he was actually trying to hide something. I saw through this and continued to ask: "There are still some things you haven't told me, I'm sure." He finally said, "Do you remember when I went to work in Florida during my freshman summer? I was caught in a hurricane. You know, I've always loved storms. Just when the wind and waves were at their worst, I caught up with a hurricane. To the pier. A wave came and washed me overboard, and another big wave pushed me back. The whole process was very simple and in a split second." I couldn't believe it, so I asked, "Did you really run to the pier alone when the wind and waves were the worst?" "I said I love storms, I love experiencing the wild ravages of nature." "I can understand this. I also like storms, but I won't take risks like you." Ted sighed and replied, "Well, I'll be honest with you—I was suicidal, and I've thought about it since. That summer, I really wanted to take my own life. To be honest. , I don’t remember running to the pier with suicidal thoughts. I don’t really care much about ending my life.” "You were washed into the sea?" "Yeah, I can't even figure out what's going on. The waves are too big to see anything. I just feel a huge wave coming and sweeping me away. I'm completely submerged in the water. I lost the ability to save myself. I thought I was going to die and felt very scared, but after a while, the whole person was sent back to the shore by the waves and hit the concrete pillar of the pier. I struggled to climb up the shore, my hands and feet were not Climbing to the side of the road, there were several bruises on his body, but luckily the injuries were not serious." "How do you feel about that experience?" Ted asked provocatively: "What do you mean by what do you think?" "Nothing, I mean, how do you feel about escaping death?" "Well, I just think that luck was pretty good at the time." I said, "Luck? You think that's luck? You think it's just a coincidence that the waves pushed you back to shore, don't you?" "Of course, that's what happened." "However, some people call this situation a miracle." "For me, it's just luck." "Then count yourself lucky," I said, "Ted, you always blame God for your misfortunes, and complain that the world is unbearable; . How do you explain these things?" Ted also realized that he was unwittingly applying a double standard.From then on, he began to pay attention to the beautiful things around him.Not only did he focus on the dark, but he also began to focus on the light.In addition to reflecting on the death of Hank and others, he also pays attention to the joy of life.He gradually realized that certain pains in life are unavoidable in the first place, and life is originally a combination of contradictions and complexities.With the progress of his concept, our relationship has become more and more harmonious.He tried dating women again, and showed greater enthusiasm for the things around him.His religious beliefs had sprouted again.In the changes of many things, he studies the mysteries of life and death, creation and destruction.He listened to music related to religion, read books on theology, and even bought back (((Heaven, Earth and Sand Gull). After two years of therapy, Ted told me one morning that he could now "graduate" from me.He said excitedly: "I plan to apply to the Institute of Psychology. You probably think that I want to imitate you, but I have seriously considered this matter." I encouraged him to go on. "I think I should do something of real value. Since I plan to go back to study, I should choose a subject of real value. I think it is very meaningful to study the human mind, and it is very important to engage in psychotherapy." I asked, "Is the human mind and psychotherapy the most important thing?" "Well... I think the most important thing should be God." "In that case, why don't you study God?" "What does it mean?" "You say that God is the most important thing, so why not study God?" "Sorry, I don't understand what you're saying." "That's because you don't want to understand." "I really don't understand. How can people study God?" "It is true that there are disciplines that study psychology and others that study God," I replied. "Do you mean the seminary?" "yes." "You mean, let me become a pastor in the future?" "yes." Ted was dumbfounded. "Oh, that can't be done. I can't do it." "Why can't it be done?" He didn't answer the question directly, but said in a roundabout way: "Psychiatrists are not necessarily different from pastors. I mean, pastors also play the role of psychotherapists, and psychotherapy and preaching by pastors are also very different." near." "Then why don't you become a priest?" Ted suddenly became angry, "Why are you forcing me? What subject and profession I choose is my own business. What I want to do is completely my freedom. A psychologist cannot tell a patient what to do. You have no right to do it for me. I can make my own choice.” I said, "Listen, I'm not making a decision for you, I'm just helping you analyze another possible option. You don't consider other possibilities for some reason. You say it yourself, you want to do the most important thing. and you think that the most important thing is God. But when I suggest you make it your lifelong career to work for God, you reject it. You say you can’t. Even if you can’t, that’s okay , it's within my purview to understand why you can't, isn't it? Now I'll ask you again: why didn't you consider the possibility of being a priest?" Ted said feebly, "I just can't be a priest." "why?" "Because... because pastors are God's servants, this is a well-known thing. I mean, if I go to be a pastor, I must disclose my belief in God. No matter who I am in front of, I must do A gesture of devotion, but I can't." "Yeah, you have to be sneaky, don't you? You can shut yourself in a room and express your utmost piety, but in public it's a different story, isn't it?" Ted sighed and said, "Look, you don't know me. My brother used to laugh at me whenever I said I had an interest, a passion." "Are you still living in the past? Are you still only ten years old? Are you still living with your brother?" Ted burst into tears and said, "It's not only that, my parents treated me the same way. No matter what I did wrong, they would punish me and take away my favorite things." Let's see Ted's favorite What? By the way, we said that we will go to his aunt's house next week, and he will be very happy, so we don't let him go. By the way, there is also his bow and arrow, which is his favorite toy. It's confiscated.' Their tactic is simple: take away all my beloved things, as long as I like them, they will take them at any time." The therapy finally got to the root of Ted's neurosis.So, he began to rely on willpower to make his own decisions.He reminded himself repeatedly that he was not a ten-year-old child, and he no longer had to be controlled by his parents and bullied by his elder brother.He began to develop a passion for something, to express his love for life and God.He eventually decided to go to seminary.A few weeks before my departure, I received a check from him for last month's treatment.I noticed that his signature on the check was no longer "Ted" for short, but his full name "Theodore," and I called him and asked, "What's the reason?" "I wanted you to notice it," Ted said. "I guess I'm still hiding my secret, somehow, don't I? My aunt told me when I was a kid that the name Theodore, It means 'one who loves God', and I should be proud of it. I was really proud at the time, so I told my brother, but they laughed at me like hell, and said I was a sissy, and I dare not use this again in the future Name. Now I suddenly feel that this name will not embarrass me. I decided to use my full name more often in the future. After all, I am a man who loves God, am I not?"