Chapter 14 hide the truth

Lies are generally divided into two types: white lies and black lies.The so-called black lies are outright lies, and the narrated situation is completely inconsistent with the reality; the so-called white lies may reflect the facts themselves, but deliberately conceal most of the truth.Being labeled a "white lie" doesn't mean it's divorced from its essence and deserves forgiveness.A government that uses censorship to keep people from knowing the truth is likewise a white lie—in this case, a government that deceives people by white lies is no more democratic and enlightened than a government that is accustomed to lying.

A patient's concealment of the reasons for a large bank overdraft is as much a hindrance to treatment as an outright lie.Withholding part of the truth may seem insignificant, making white lies the most common form of lying.In addition, because white lies are not easy to detect, their harm is even far greater than that of black lies. Different from black lies, white lies are often regarded as white lies. Wearing the hat of "don't want to hurt other people's feelings", it is easier to be tolerated and recognized by society.Although we complain about the lack of sincerity between people—for example, the promises of parents to their children are often "white lies", but a large number of white lies lacking in substance are considered to be a manifestation of love.Some couples can still treat each other honestly, but they can't treat their children with the same attitude.They conceal a lot of facts, such as smoking marijuana, marital discord; hating their children's grandparents who are domineering; being diagnosed with a serious psychological disorder by a doctor; speculating in high-risk stocks; hiding the amount of bank deposits ... similar concealment The act of truth is seen as thinking of the child, but in fact, such "protection" has no effect.Sooner or later, the kids learn that their parents smoke marijuana and fight a lot; their grandparents don't get along with their parents;Parental white lies are not protections for children, but disenfranchise them from knowing the truth about money, disease, drugs, sex, marriage, parents, grandparents, and more.They are not exposed to honest "role models" but to crippled honesty, partial candor, and limited courage.Parents protect their children in the above ways, it may also be out of love for their children, but they just chose the wrong way.But most parents use "protection" as a guise to maintain their authority and prevent their children from challenging them. The subtext is to tell their children: "Listen, you have to be smart and don't ask about adults' affairs. Let us do it ourselves." Solve it, it’s good for us.” “You’d better not know about some things, so that you can feel safe.” “Mom and Dad’s emotions are abnormal, you don’t need to know the reason, so that we can live in peace. "

Sometimes our desire for absolute honesty can conflict with the fact that our children need protection.For example, if you and your spouse have a happy marriage, it is normal for you to think about divorce because of quarrels.If a marriage is indeed in crisis, the children will eventually sense it and feel the potential threat even if they don't tell them.But if you had a fight one night, and the next day you said to your child: "Mom and Dad had a fight last night and thought about divorce. But don't worry, we won't do that right now." necessary burden. Similarly, psychologists should not easily draw conclusions to patients at the initial stage of treatment, as patients may not be psychologically prepared.During my first year of medical practice, a male patient recounted to me a dream in which he had anxieties about being gay.In order to show a professional level and make progress in the treatment, I told him: "Your dream shows that you are worried about your homosexuality." He immediately became nervous and frightened, and he did not show up for the next three consultations.It took considerable effort, and a little luck, to convince him to continue.The twenty treatments that followed brought him unimaginable benefits—even though we never brought up the topic of homosexuality again.Just because he's subconsciously anxious doesn't mean he's consciously ready to openly discuss personal matters with me.It would do him little good, if not a great offense, for me to tell him my observations.I discouraged him from going to see a doctor, which is a complete failure for a doctor.

Restricting the expression of personal opinions is also extremely important for those who want to enter the political and corporate high-level fields.People who are outspoken in everything are easily regarded by their superiors as rebellious, or even regarded as "troublemakers", a threat to the organization and the collective.If you want to play a greater role in an organization or collective, you need to pay more attention to the time, occasion and way of expressing your opinions.If you want to be a desirable group member, you must express your opinions in moderation, not at will.In other words, one should express opinions and ideas selectively.Of course, out of loyalty to the facts, we are eager to speak directly, rather than cover up, which puts us in a dilemma: on the one hand, we fear that evil will come out; on the other hand, we do not want to violate the principles of honesty and justice. Principles, and between the two, there is little room for maneuver, and it is difficult for us to achieve an ideal balance. This is indeed a difficult challenge.

In our daily interactions, we sometimes need to be open and honest, and other times we need to resist the desire to pour out our thoughts and feelings.So how to do it so as not to violate the principle of respecting facts?We should follow the following rules: First, never tell lies and avoid black lies.Second, keep in mind that, generally speaking, not telling the whole truth is basically lying; that some truth must be kept out of necessity and for serious moral reasons.Third, do not hide part of the truth because of personal selfish desires, such as satisfying the desire for power, deliberately winning the favor of the boss, avoiding the challenge of revising the mind map, etc.Fourth, only when it is beneficial to the other party can one selectively conceal part of the truth.Fifth, assess the other person's needs as faithfully as possible.This is an extremely complicated rule, and only with love as the starting point can we make proper judgments and choices.Sixth, assessing the needs of others for facts is whether the other party can use the facts we provide to grow their hearts.Remember, too, that in assessing the ability of others to use facts for spiritual growth, we usually underestimate rather than overestimate.

Fulfilling the above rules is a rather difficult and imperfect job.Many people are afraid of the pain and would rather choose limited honesty and openness, which is equivalent to living in a closed state, never daring to take out a map and compare it with the reality.On the surface, it is obviously much easier to be self-enclosed, but the rewards of respecting the truth and facts will far outweigh the costs.Only with an open mind and positive efforts to constantly revise the map of life can the soul grow.Open people have healthier mental states and better relationships than those who are too closed.They are open and honest, and they don't need to cover up their mistakes, so they have less worries and troubles.They don't have to cover up the past, and they don't have to invent more lies to cover up the lies of the past.The more honest a person is, the easier it is to stay honest, just as the more lies one tells, the more lies one has to invent to justify oneself.Those who dare to face the facts can live in the world with an open mind, and can also use this to get rid of the torture of conscience and the threat of fear.