Chapter 12 Empathy: An Outdated Map

It is a common problem of many people to be stubborn and out of touch with reality.Sticking to outdated ideas and indifference to reality is the root cause of many mental illnesses. Psychologists call this situation "empathy."It is not an exaggeration to say that there are as many definitions of transference as there are psychologists, and mine is this: perceptions and responses to reality that arise in childhood and seem to hold , even of life-saving importance), inappropriately transferred into the world of adults, this is psychological "empathy". Empathy is a common symptom of psychotherapy.The empathy process can be subtle, but it can also be extremely pervasive and destructive.I once had a patient in his thirties whose psychotherapy had been rendered ineffective because of his degree of empathy.He was a computer technician who had to turn to me for help when his wife left with two kids.The loss of his wife was not painful to him, but the loss of his children was unacceptable.Children mean more to him than his wife.His wife had hinted to him that they would never come back to him unless he went to a psychiatrist and got back to normal.In order to get a child, he had to accept psychological treatment.I learned that his wife was dissatisfied with him for more than one reason: he was narrow-minded, often jealous for no reason, and at the same time, he was alienated from his wife and showed little concern and consideration for her.His frequent job changes are also unbearable for his wife.

As early as adolescence, his life was chaotic: he often clashed with the police and was imprisoned three times on charges of drinking, fighting, loitering, and obstructing official duties.He majored in electrical engineering at university, and he was expelled from the school. He didn't seem to care, as he said: "My teachers are hypocrites, no different from the police." The job is not a problem, but the strange thing is that no matter what job you do, you can't stick to it, at most it won't last more than a year and a half, and it's even more difficult to get promoted.He was sometimes fired by his unit, and more often because he often quarreled with his superiors and was forced to resign.He described his bosses this way: "They were liars, liars, they just wanted to protect their asses." He always said, "You can't trust anyone." He claimed to have had a normal childhood when the opposite seemed to be the case .Inadvertently, he recalled many times the extreme disappointment his parents brought him.They promised him a bicycle for his birthday, but then forgot about the promise.Sometimes, they even forget their children's birthdays.He himself was very sad, but he didn't think the situation was serious. He just thought that "they might be too busy", so he couldn't take care of him.They promised to spend the weekend with him, but finally let it go, citing "too busy work".There were also several times when they agreed to pick him up at the agreed place (such as a party), but finally forgot all about it, and the reason was still: "their minds are full of too many things."

The patient's childhood was clouded by parental indifference, and he was haunted by feelings of sadness and disappointment, and gradually or suddenly—I don't know which—he came to the conclusion that his parents were Untrustworthy people.With this view, his state of mind gradually changed.He seemed to feel a lot more comfortable.He stopped expecting so much from his parents, and he stopped taking their promises seriously—he lost trust in them, felt disappointment far less often, and felt far less painful. The patient's empathy was not worth the effort.The premise that parents are role models for the child has turned out to make him an unfortunate man: he has no chance of having more competent parents, he thinks that the way his parents treat him is the only way all parents treat their children, and his understanding of reality Perceptions are also changing.His initial conclusion was: "I can't trust my parents, they are not trustworthy." Later, he further recognized the "fact": "I can't trust anyone, no one can be trusted." This became the main theme of his life map , and accompany him into adolescence and adulthood.He repeatedly clashed with authority figures: the police, teachers, bosses.These conflicts made him feel more and more that no one with some authority to give him something could be trusted.Although he had the opportunity to revise the map, he missed all opportunities.First of all, it is difficult for him to accept the fact that in this world, some people can be trusted.He believes that to risk trusting them is to deviate from the established map.Secondly, in order to revise the map, he must re-evaluate his parents. He must admit that his parents do not love him, their indifference is not normal at all, and his childhood is not normal. pain.Third, the conclusion that "no one can be trusted" was some kind of adjustment he made based on his own experience, which had greatly reduced his painful feelings.

It is extremely difficult for him to completely abandon this adjustment and make a new adjustment.He would rather maintain the mentality of the past, but he can't trust anyone.He also unconsciously produces subjective conjectures to further consolidate his beliefs.He forced himself to alienate everyone, not even getting too close to his wife.In his opinion, his wife is also untrustworthy, and the only ones who can be trusted are the children, because they are the only people whose authority is not above him, the only people in the world he can trust. The phenomenon of empathy is a kind of "map" in itself.Patients turn to a therapist because the old maps are no longer valid, but the ideas are still entrenched in their minds.They refused to make adjustments, and even staged tit-for-tat resistance in order to defend the validity of the old map.This makes it difficult for psychotherapy to make any progress, as was the case with the computer technician.At first, he asked to come in on a Saturday, and three times later, he broke the appointment when he found a part-time weekend job: helping mow other people's lawns.I suggested that he reschedule the consultation to Thursday night, but after two times, he interrupted the treatment due to overtime at work.I had to reschedule my appointments to Monday nights, because he said Mondays were rarely overtime.Also, only twice later, he canceled even his Monday night visits because of overtime.I became skeptical and asked him if he really had to work overtime because I couldn't possibly schedule another time to treat him.He finally admitted: In fact, the company did not require him to work overtime, he just hoped to earn extra income.In his view, work is far more important than therapy.He told me that if he didn't work overtime on Monday night, he would call me at around four o'clock on Monday afternoon.I told him frankly that this arrangement was not for me, that there was no way I could put all my Monday night plans aside and wait for his uncertain appointment.He felt that I was too harsh and indifferent, because I actually valued my time more than his, so I didn't care about his condition at all, in short, he didn't think I was a person who could be trusted.At this point, our cooperation had to be interrupted, and I became a new "landmark" on his old map.

The phenomenon of empathy does not only exist between the psychologist and the patient.Empathy problems arise between parents and children, between husbands and wives, between bosses and subordinates, between friends, groups, and nations.Empathy is an interesting research topic in international relations.Heads of state are also human beings, and part of their personalities are shaped by childhood experiences.Their words and deeds have directed many political phenomena worth thinking about. For example, what kind of mental map did Hitler follow, and where did it come from?From the beginning of the Vietnam War to the post-war period, how many presidents of the United States have gone through, and what kind of life map does each have?I think their maps must be different.What did people's maps look like in the 1930s?How did their general psychology and behavior affect the Great Depression in the United States?What is the life map of the generation that grew up in the 1950s and 1960s?If the map shaped by national experience in the 1930s and 1940s led to the US leaders launching the Vietnam War, what kind of results will the reality of the 1960s and 1970s bring to our future?From government leaders to ordinary people, how should we respect the facts and revise the map of life in time?

It is human nature to escape the pain and misfortune of reality, and only through self-discipline can we gradually overcome the pain of reality.We must respect the facts, which, painful as they are, are far more important than our personal interests and temporary comfort.We must downplay temporary discomfort, seek truth rather than illusion, and be willing to bear all pain.To grow the heart and mature the mind, we must do our best, always respect the facts, and even dedicate ourselves to the truth.