Chapter 35 4. "No matter" is the best "tube"

One day, a friend of mine asked me to chat. She came with a question about a female colleague in her unit. This female colleague of hers is also a very good friend of hers. She has a problem with her child's education and is extremely distressed.At the same time, my friend often has similar troubles himself, so he wanted to talk to me about children's education.Our topic starts with this female colleague from her unit. This female colleague of hers graduated from a prestigious university. She has an excellent job, is also beautiful, and behaves well in the world. She is a near-perfect woman, so she is also an idealist. marry.After marriage, I had a son, a middle-aged son, and I loved him so much.Over the years, the children of my classmates have gone to elementary school and even middle school one by one. When we get together, we often lament how difficult it is for children to educate.She listened to it at the time and thought she couldn't believe it, would children be so difficult to educate.

When her child was still in his infancy, she read Tang poetry to him.She had read a lot about tutoring and knew that the early heads were especially important.As soon as the child learned to speak, she talked to him in two languages, Chinese and English, every day.Her son was indeed smart. After entering kindergarten, a psychological research institute came to the kindergarten to collect data and conducted IQ tests on the children. Of course, the results were kept confidential.But then the head of the kindergarten told her quietly that her son was the number one in the whole garden.She considers herself a successful parent and believes that if she tries her best, she will raise an outstanding child, even a child prodigy.

She puts all her thoughts into the children's education, giving serious guidance on how to pronounce standard when speaking, how to grasp chopsticks and how to play. As long as the child does not do well, she will point it out immediately and give Tell the child what to do.If a child commits a shortcoming three times repeatedly, he will be criticized. For more than three times, the child will be hit on the back of the hand every time he commits it.There are always things that children get beaten on the back of their hands every day, such as knocking over their rice bowls, going to play without finishing their milk, not saying hello to their aunts when they see each other, half of the words they learned yesterday are not remembered today, etc.She said that it didn't hurt to hit him on the back of his hand, but she just hoped that the child would have a long memory through such strictness. She was confident that the child would become more and more perfect under such requirements.

My friend said that she had been to the home of this female colleague several times and found that the colleague really cared about the child.Although the person is talking to you, it feels like her heart is always on the child, telling the child something from time to time, such as "It's time to do homework", "The water on your hands is not wiped clean, please wipe it again", "Don't wear those shoes, they look good with your clothes". My friend lamented that even a mother has achieved this level, but for some reason her child is getting worse.When I first entered elementary school, I was the top three students in my class, and when I graduated from the sixth grade, I became the third from the bottom.Now that the child has entered junior high school, there is still no improvement in all aspects. Even in English, which he has learned since childhood, his grades are always very low. In short, there is no trace of high IQ at all.And the personality is very introverted, neither obedient, but also very useless.His mother really couldn't understand how she had worked so hard to educate him, how she became what he is now. She felt that fate was playing tricks on her.

My friend asked me: What do you think is the problem? What happened to this child? I think about it: the problem still lies with the mother.The way to improve is very simple, but I suspect that because of its simplicity, this mother may not be able to do it, or she is not willing to do it at all.Under the puzzled eyes of my friend, I told her that the problem with this strong mother is that she is too strict with her children.The treatment method is of course the opposite, that is, "don't care". "No matter?" The friend opened his eyes wide. I said, maybe we often find such a situation: Parents who are particularly careful and strict with their children are mostly people who are very hardworking in work and life, and their motivation for success is always relatively strong in their lives. Self-management is often done very well, and they belong to the kind of people who can do well and achieve certain achievements in work or career.Similarly, in terms of children's education, they are more eager to succeed and confident, and apply all their own management to their children.However, they were basically disappointed.

The friend nodded and said, yes, yes, yes, but why? I said, there is a problem here, the child is not a stone, and what is left by the adult's carving knife is not entirely the unilateral idea of ​​​​the sculptor.If parents must be compared to a sculptor, then the traces left by the education of this kind of engraving are formed by the interaction between the engraving and the engraved.If parents who are sculptors do not see this kind of interaction and ignore children's feelings, thinking that in terms of education, children are just inelastic stones that look like what they carve, then a piece of rough jade will become a piece of cake in their hands. A rock, or a heap of scraps—you can’t respect children without seeing this kind of interactivity.One of the most typical manifestations of disrespect for children is too much control over children, that is, too much guidance or interference, and many normal growth orders of children are disrupted.

The friend nodded thoughtfully. I went on to say that from your statement, I can feel that this parent is indeed very attentive, but in fact her behavior has very little educational elements, and is more about "instructions" and "monitoring".Is instruction and surveillance education?no!If education is so simple, every parent can get what they want, and there will be no more laments in the world.The main component of command and surveillance is regulation.There is basically only one child in every family now, and parents have plenty of time and energy to manage their children.And people are more and more aware that the difference in children's education is mainly reflected in family education, so every parent has made great efforts at the beginning to educate their children well.But children's education is the most important art, not hard work.Only those who pay attention to the art of education will educate their children well.Blind effort, reckless force, will only make things worse-this can explain why your colleague's child is going from bad to worse.

I went on to analyze this mother. In fact, she has always played an authoritative role in front of her children, because only an authority is qualified to give uninterrupted instructions and surveillance to others.As far as human nature is concerned, no one likes to have an authority standing in front of them all day long.All obedience to authority is accompanied by depression and unhappiness, and will form inner conflicts-of course, the child will not have such a clear understanding of this issue. The adults are satisfied, which annoys him.So he gradually became disobedient, without self-control, unconfident, clumsy and depressed.Therefore, parents must be alert to the matter of "too much to go too far" and not to act as an authority in front of their children (although it appears in the form of gentle love).A child who is controlled too much will gradually change from a "servant" under the authoritative parents to a "slave" of his own bad habits; his bad habits are the shackles that bind him and make him painful.It's not that he doesn't want to get rid of it, it's that he doesn't have the ability to get rid of it.Don't we adults often feel this way too?

My friend said, yes, after your analysis, I think this is really the case.It seems that in the future, we should take care of the children less. I nodded and said yes, so we can summarize the above ideas into one sentence: "regardless" is the best "management". The friend laughed and said that this sentence summed it up very well, and said that she should remember this sentence when educating her children, and she should also tell her colleague to remember this point.I said, you can say this to your colleague, but don't expect her to accept it.I have told many parents that for some reason, some parents are disgusted when they hear the word "regardless".

Seeing my friend was a little surprised, I told her the following thing. A few days ago, I met a father who taught his son that when I was young, there were many children in my family, and your grandparents were busy, so who cares about me? I can get to where I am today, because I rely on self-consciousness.Your mother and I care so much about you and spend so much time studying with you every day, but you don't know how to work hard at all. Why are you so unconscious? Because I know this father very well, I told him bluntly: You are right, it is because you were left alone when you were a child that you learned to be self-conscious; your son is not self-conscious precisely because he is too "managed" up.What he should think, his parents have thought of for him; what he should feel, his parents have reminded him, why should he pay attention to this by himself, where does he have the opportunity to learn self-management?The father was very dissatisfied with my words, and he retorted, "According to what you say, you can be a good parent if you don't care about the children. We are so hard but we are wrong?!" Don't like to talk to me.

The father's reaction was not surprising.I have met many parents who control their children too much. They always want to persuade them to give their children some free space and time, and give them some opportunities to make mistakes, so I suggest that they should control their children less in the future-this is necessary to change the problem. through the road.But most of my proposals will be questioned by parents similarly.In their view, asking parents to "disregard" their children is as harsh and offensive as asking them to give up their child's custody.The fact is that they don't want to understand the "regardless" I mean here-it is not to weaken the responsibility of parents, but a way to solve the problem. It is a way of thinking that parents need to establish in their hearts to respect their children. My friend nodded. Parents always ask their children to correct this or that shortcoming; but they are not willing to accept the shortcoming pointed out to him by others, and they are unwilling to admit that they have this shortcoming from the bottom of their hearts.I also nodded, this is why it is so difficult to do work for parents, and it is also the fundamental reason why many children's problems are difficult to solve. We were silent for a moment, and my friend said, I understand everything you said.However, I have a specific question.If the child is about to take an exam, such as the high school or college entrance examination, and he doesn’t study, or the piano is about to be tested for a grade, and he doesn’t practice well, what should the parents do? Don’t you say it? I said that it is indeed a serious problem for a child who has an important exam soon but does not study hard.But this "unconsciousness" is just the appearance, and behind it is a series of problems, such as lack of rationality, boredom, poor self-control, immature values, lack of self-esteem, and low self-esteem.To be honest, this series of problems must have a causal relationship with the parents' inappropriate management methods.If the parents want to control, they must change the method. The previous method will definitely not work, because his current state is a result of the "management" you have implemented for a long time.As for the method to be used, I can’t give an immediate method. I can only say that according to the specific situation of each child, minor illnesses are treated with minor treatments, and serious illnesses are treated with serious ones. The more serious the child’s problem, the more parents must fundamentally change the education method. , the more we must show enough patience and find ways to cultivate children's self-consciousness.On this point, let me talk about it from my own experience.Maybe it can give parents some inspiration. When my daughter Yuanyuan was in her first year of high school, we gave her a portable CD player for Christmas. The intention was to let her listen to music when she was tired from studying.But she often listened to songs while doing her homework, and went to buy CDs every now and then. She knew the popular singers and songs at that time like the back of the back of the hand.Judging by our own learning experience, such learning must be distracted.If it is in elementary school, we are not in a hurry if she is like this.But now it is high school, time is so precious, and competition is so fierce, if you slack off a bit, others will catch up.Her father and I were a little anxious, so we reminded her that it is best not to listen to music while studying, and explained to her that homework in high school is different from that in elementary school. It is not for completion, but for thinking and understanding in the process of writing. When she spoke for the first time, she only said that she knew it, and said that she didn't think it would affect her study.A few days later, we saw that she was still doing her homework with headphones on every day, and we couldn't bear it anymore, so we talked about her again.This time she was a little impatient, and blamed us for nagging, saying that she knew what to do, and told us to leave her alone. For a long time to come, although we didn't say anything, we were always anxious.It's not just about listening to the earphones, it's mainly the slackness of her learning attitude that makes us a little anxious.At this time, we also have the urge to "manage" many times, but in the end we hold back.After discussing with her father, I decided not to deal with her in this matter, just let her go. Let's think about it this way: maybe she is just new, and she is not nervous enough to study now, and she will become more nervous when she is in the second and third grades of high school, and the freshness has also passed at the same time, so she will naturally become nervous.Maybe it's because she's psychologically stressed, and she releases it in this way. The slack she's showing now is a state she must go through to make self-adjustment.Maybe she is just obsessed with music. Many people have a deep obsession with something at a certain stage in their teens. It is not good to interrupt abruptly-on top of all these "maybes", we have a wise: Learning behavior is synthesized by two systems, one is physical and the other is psychological.By compulsion a child can be made to sit at a desk with his eyes on a book and a pen in his hand—even if his body is in place, no one can make his mind be in place.If it is not voluntary, even if we ask Yuanyuan to put away the CD player, she will not concentrate on studying because of this, on the contrary, her heart may be farther away from studying.Since Yuanyuan said that it will not affect her studies and that she knows what to do, we have to believe her words. So, her father and I reminded each other to keep our mouths shut and stop talking about it.During this process, we realized that "not speaking" is more difficult than "speaking".Children's behaviors challenge your psychology every day, which really requires parents to use enough reason and patience to resolve this matter.Of course, after a long time, we really don't care, and really forget to take care of her.I didn't notice when Yuanyuan started to stop listening to music while studying, until one day I found a lot of dust on the CD player on her bookshelf. I asked about it after she was admitted to university.Yuanyuan said that listening to music while doing homework is really distracting. In fact, she has always known this in her heart, but at the beginning she just wanted to listen and couldn't restrain herself.When I was so nervous in the third year of high school, I didn't want anything to disturb my study from the bottom of my heart, and of course I stopped listening to it when I was doing homework.It seems that the child knows everything in her heart. As long as she has a self-motivated attitude and a responsible attitude towards herself, she will definitely make self-adjustments. My friend said: Well, the more I listen to it, the more I understand that you are Lao Tzu's "governing by doing nothing". I smiled and said, almost.Seeing that she wasn't tired of hearing it, I went on to say that people were not born to be "managed" by others, and freedom is the most cherished thing in everyone's bones.Children especially should stretch their nature and grow freely.Children are a perfect and independent world. There is infinite vitality hidden in his young body. He has a self-shaping and self-expression potential in the growth of life, just like a seed contains roots, leaves, and flowers. It will grow naturally under the right conditions.If parents have the faith and moderation of farmers, their children will definitely grow better. My friend said with admiration that when parents’ meetings are held at school, when the principal or teachers talk about the children’s problems, they emphasize that parents should care more about their children, spend more time with them, and take care of them.Through today's chat, I realized that in fact, many children's problems at present are not caused by parents who control them too little, but because they control them too much.I smiled and said, you have touched on the crux of the problem.Parents should be aware of their own limitations, and know that there is nothing you can do about your child’s development, or that you don’t need to do anything—on this point, if you’re not afraid of offending others, go back and give it to your child. Your colleague suggests that, judging from her current situation, "no action" is the best action, and "no matter" is the best management. ●One of the most typical manifestations of disrespect for children is too much control over children, that is, too much guidance or interference, and many normal growth orders of children are disrupted. ●Parents who are particularly careful and strict with their children are mostly hardworking people in work and life. Their motivation for success is always strong in their lives. They often do a good job in self-management. I belong to the kind of person who can do well anywhere and achieve certain achievements.Similarly, in terms of children's education, they are more eager to succeed and confident, and apply all their own management to their children.However, they were basically disappointed. ● Is instruction and monitoring education?no!If education is so simple, every parent can get what they want, and there will be no more laments in the world.The main component of command and surveillance is regulation. ● "Not to say" is more difficult than "to say".Children's behaviors challenge your psychology every day, which really requires parents to use enough reason and patience to resolve this matter. ●Children are a perfectly independent world. There is infinite vitality hidden in his young body. He has a self-shaping and self-forming expression potential in the growth of life, just like a seed contains roots, leaves, Flowers will naturally grow under the right conditions.If parents have the faith and moderation of farmers, their children will definitely grow better.