Chapter 5 3.Rubbing the small bench hurts

It often happens that when a child is playing or walking, he accidentally bumps into something, it hurts, and he cries.In order to comfort the child, the parents will deliberately raise their hands to hit the "perpetrator" while coaxing the child, "blame" it for hurting the child, and pretend to "revenge" the child.Then comfort the child and say, let's hit it, and it will not dare to touch you again.The child may feel some comfort at this time, laugh through tears, and the parents will also feel very satisfied. This is a bad approach, an "act of revenge".It teaches children to blame others when they encounter unhappiness, and it teaches him intolerance and revenge, which is not conducive to children's mental health.

Adults may think, the table touched the child, I just hit the table, and the table doesn't know how to hurt, what's the matter, I didn't teach the child to hit someone.In fact, in the eyes of children, everything is the same, talking to a grass is the same as talking to a person, and the attitude to a table is the same as to a person.Sometimes a little girl feels as much for her beloved doll as she does for her fellow sister.A child who is as simple as a blank sheet of paper, everything is brand new to him, and any experience is experience and learning for him. Rousseau, a French thinker, talked about the formation of a person’s moral outlook in his famous treatise on education “Emile” and believed that the perception received by a person at the beginning, that is, when he is still in the innocent and pure period, will have a profound impact on his life. indelible impact.When children are young, every detail of life may become an event with great educational significance. There are no small things in children's education, and every small thing is a "big event", which can be expanded into a good habit or bad habit of the child.Parents should be sensitive to this and use some heart to make the "little things" they encounter every day become the bricks and stones of building children's beautiful sentiment.

When children are young, minor bruises and pains often occur, and my daughter Yuanyuan is of course the same.On the one hand, we pay great attention to her safety, on the other hand, when these things happen, we don't make too much fuss.Try to face each other with a relaxed and happy expression, let her feel how normal it is, and even a little interesting.If the adult looks panicked at every turn, not only can't comfort the child, but also frightens the child. In addition to skin pain, psychological fear will also arise. At the same time, we also taught her to be kind to "opponents".If the little bench hurts her, we will never hit the little bench.Hurry up and kiss her sore spots. It is said that mother's kiss is very effective in relieving pain. Give her a rub and comfort her "the pain will be gone soon, and the baby will stop crying."When the comfort is a little better, take her to rub the pain on the small bench as you did to her, and tell the small bench "the pain will be gone soon."

In doing so, not only did the little bench not stand on the opposite side of her and become a villain who "injured" her, but also shared the pain as a friend, and made her realize that "collision" is a matter for both parties, and we must be considerate of each other.When Yuanyuan went to rub the pain on the small bench, she forgot about her own pain, and her mood quickly recovered. Because we often do this, once I took her to play outside, she ran, tripped on the uneven ground, fell forward, wiped slight bloodstains on her two little hands, and burst into tears.I quickly kissed her little hand, gave her a gentle blow, and then wiped her tears, and she stopped crying soon.When I was about to pull her away, she squatted down, rubbed the pain on the ground where she fell, and comforted the ground and said, "The pain will be gone soon."

At the same time, if she and the children both want to play with a doll and there is a conflict, we neither ask her to sell it nor encourage her to snatch it, but quickly use another thing to attract her and the children's attention and let her know the fun thing More than the same; or guide her to play with children and experience the joy of cooperation.For example, tell the children: "Let's dress up the doll together. The doll's hair is messed up. Come on, Xiaozhe combs the doll's hair. Tingting goes to the bathroom to find a towel to wipe the doll's face. Put it on the head of the doll...Ah, look, how beautifully the three of you dress up the doll!" Adults often guide children in this way, and parents themselves treat children friendly every day, trying to understand everything Children, if you don't fight fiercely with your children, your children will learn to understand others and resolve conflicts gently.Especially learned to "give in".Yuanyuan has known humility since she was a child. Whenever there is any conflict, she always gives in.This concession is not a cowardly concession, but a child's true generosity and flexibility.

She never argues with children when playing, and always knows how to solve problems through "solutions".I remember one time in the kindergarten, Yuanyuan and a few children lined up to play on the slide.The child at the front is always the first to go up and the first to slide down, and then the first to run to the upper slide, and then go up together when everyone behind has slid down and stands behind him.Children may suddenly find that when this "first place" is very popular, they will start to fight.The children who slid down from behind ran to the ladder desperately, but it was difficult to get to the first position, so some children started pushing each other, yelling, and the mood was very unpleasant.Yuanyuan also wanted to be the first to slide down, but she would not compete for the first place by shouting or pushing others away.She allowed herself to skip one slide and waited by the ladder. When the other children slid down and ran to the ladder this time, they naturally lined up behind her.By giving up appropriately, she won't conflict with the children, but also won a chance for herself to be at the top.

Yuanyuan's empathy transfers to many aspects.She was kind and friendly to everything from a young age, and she wouldn't allow me to play with her dad to spank the doll's ass.After she entered elementary school, she had a good relationship with the classmates in her class. Every time she was selected as a top student in the class, she was almost unanimously elected.When she was 7 years old, my brother's child, Xiao Yi, who was 4 years old at the time, came to live with me for a few months.Yuanyuan is always very kind to her little brother, and has never had an awkward fight with him.Once, she and I went to buy a cake that she and my younger brother both liked very much, and there was only a little bit left, which was barely enough for two of us.I asked her if she could go back and let her grandma and little brother eat only, would it be okay for her not to eat this time.Yuanyuan readily agreed. Although she wanted to eat very much, she could also consider that her younger brother was so young and her grandmother was old and needed to be taken care of.After returning home, she must insist on giving the cake to her grandma and younger brother, and she will not eat it herself.Grandma sighed and said that this child is really sensible.

Yuanyuan Junior High School is a boarding school, and the school distributes one piece of fruit every day.She went home and said to me that she was a little unhappy when she got the bad fruit at first, but when she thought about it, if the bad fruit was not given to her, it would be given to another classmate, and someone had to eat it.When I think about it this way, I am happy, and I don’t care what kind of fruit I get in the future.She was ten years old when she said this. We are very relieved that she can think so.Kindness and open-mindedness always go hand in hand. A child who can rub the pain of a small bench will have more understanding and love for others, and she will never be paranoid about her own reasons and interests when encountering problems.This way of thinking not only makes her feel happy at the moment, but also ensures that she will not suffer a big loss for the rest of her life.

Yuanyuan is actually not the kind of person who makes people feel close immediately after seeing her. She will greet politely, but she will not exchange pleasantries, and she will not say insincere words at all in order to get closer. There is no flattering behavior in the communication.This even makes some people who interact with her for the first time feel a little stressed or uncomfortable, feeling that she is too flat and unenthusiastic to people.But as long as you have the opportunity to get in touch more, you will find that it is the consistent performance of her simplicity and kindness.She has always had good interpersonal relationships in her circle. When she was in high school, the school announced the list of candidates for the selection of city-level top three students, and held a public election for the whole year.Yuanyuan was one of the candidates, and without her knowing, some classmates went to solicit votes for her.

Yuanyuan's "skill" in getting along with people is that there is no skill, all behaviors are just out of nature, she is friendly to others in her heart, and after a long time, she will naturally make others feel and make others feel comfortable. The class she was in when she was in high school was the first experimental class of the school, which gathered the top students from the whole school.In fact, every student in the class is a potential competitor in the college entrance examination.Two months before the college entrance examination, when Yuanyuan was reviewing by herself, she sorted out a few English phrases that needed to be memorized.She thought it was useful and it was good to recommend it to her classmates, so she asked me to print it out and take it outside for photocopying.We matched them one by one, and then stapled them together. She carried them in a bag and gave each student a copy in the class.Although it is a trivial matter, it can be seen that her heart is simple and selfless.

Philosopher Fromm believes that egoism and loneliness are synonymous, and it is impossible for people to achieve their own goals without relationship with the outside world.Man can find satisfaction and happiness only in solidarity and solidarity with his fellow man.Love of one's neighbor is not a superhuman phenomenon, but something immanent in man and bursting out of man's heart, which is man's own strength.With this power man connects himself to the world and makes it truly his world.Mr. Wang Xuan, the inventor of laser phototypesetting, said: "If you think about yourself as much as others, you are a good person." We also firmly believe that the most important life skills that parents can teach their children is to be a good person. Dr. Li Kaifu, who is currently committed to the ideological and health education of young people, especially emphasizes "empathy", that is, in the process of interpersonal communication, he can understand the emotions and thoughts of others, understand the positions and feelings of others, and think and deal with problems from the perspective of others Ability.This is the same concept as the "compassion" mentioned by the American educator Dewey.Dewey sees compassion as a good quality, not simply an emotion; it is a cultivated imagination that enables us to think of what is common to all human beings, and to rebel against what divides people needlessly—when "compassion When such things as "heart" or "empathy" become part of a person's nature, he will no longer be self-righteous, condescending, or hostile and repulsive; he will have understanding, kindness, and open-mindedness. "Education is the cultivation of style".Teaching children to "knead the pain on the small board" is not so much a question of skills as an issue of educational or philosophical views.Parents must pay attention to the harmony and unity of values ​​​​contained in all your words and deeds. Only things that are unified before and after can be subtly transferred to children, stabilized in their hearts, and become their style of doing things. If the child accidentally bumps into it, the parents can use the method of "rubbing the small bench for pain" to deal with it in a friendly manner; but one day the child accidentally breaks a vase you love, but you can't help but get angry at the child; usually Always tell the child that we need to understand others, but once the child’s thinking is different from yours, you blame the child for being “disobedient” and force the child to be obedient without carefully understanding the child’s feelings—then your educational behavior If you are not unified, you actually become a parent who is inconsiderate, not open-minded, loves things more than children, and has inconsistent values.At this moment, your emotions are so real, it will leave a deep impression on the child, and the child's values ​​will also be messed up by you, and the "style" will not be complete and unified. I've seen toddlers with hostile eyes who can easily throw tantrums and engage in aggressive behavior.There is a mother who, while complaining that her son loves to beat others, told the child "don't beat others", while "teaching" a table that knocked on her son's forehead; Children, she is just superficially taking care of her, with connivance hidden in her attitude, maybe because she is afraid that her son will suffer; she usually teases the children to beat their father for fun.After her son went to kindergarten, he always couldn't get along with the children and often beat others, which made the teachers and parents disagree.This child may really want to play with children, but he is full of awareness of protecting himself during the play process, lest something will be violated by others, and most of the time he ends up arguing with children.So he is always lonely.Whenever I see this child's lonely and hostile eyes, I am always worried about his future. I have also seen many "young" adults. Their way of thinking is basically "unilateralism". The "reasons" of the world are all on their side. His own affairs and mood are the most important in the world, and his own ideas are the most correct in the world; in daily work and life, he is selfish and narrow everywhere.Not only does it bring unhappiness to others, but it often brings unhappiness to yourself.When they are eager to safeguard their own interests, some real interests in life are quietly lost. A kind person is the person who has the least friction with the world, and it is easy to become a happy person; a child who is not strict in mentality will have a more comfortable attitude when he grows up, a more harmonious interpersonal relationship, and more rewards. help and opportunity.When "rubbing the pain on the small bench" becomes a child's way of thinking, what he gives everywhere in his life is understanding, kindness and respect-and what he can get from life is exactly these. ●When children are young, every detail of life may become an event with great educational significance. There are no small things in children's education, and every small thing is a "big event", which can be expanded into a good habit or bad habit of the child. ●When children are young, minor bruises and pains often occur.On the one hand, parents should pay special attention to the safety of their children. On the other hand, when these things happen, they should not make too much fuss.Try to face each other with a relaxed and happy expression, so that the children feel how normal and even interesting it is.If the adult looks panic-stricken at every turn, not only can't comfort the child, but also frightens him. In addition to skin pain, psychological fear will also arise. ●The most important life skills that parents can teach their children is to be a good person.

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