Chapter 9 Chapter 5 Master Your Emotions—Otherwise, They Will Be Your Master

The mother heard a loud bang in the living room and ran to find her four-year-old son standing with a bat in his hand, surrounded by the shattered remains of a vase. "What happened?" she asked.The son looked remorseful, turned his head to one side, and replied, "It's okay." When we need to admit some emotions that are difficult to face or recognize, we usually choose to avoid them like the little hitter above.If we deny these emotions, perhaps, we can avoid the consequences of these emotions.Like the little boy who, despite his chagrin, tried to convince his mother that everything was okay; we look for opportunities to hide our emotions.It's just that the power of emotions is too powerful, so it is really difficult to hide or control emotions calmly.If we try to bypass our emotions, or lie to them, our emotions will inevitably hinder our communication and turn an otherwise simple conversation into an incredibly complex and difficult conversation.

Without emotions, the feelings and relationships between people will become flat and single.Emotions, like passion and pride, stupidity and enthusiasm, as well as jealousy, disappointment and anger, are what make us feel like a real human being. At the same time, managing emotions is also an extremely challenging thing.It may not occur to you that many difficult conversations are the result of our failure to manage our emotions—not acknowledging and discussing them in a timely manner.Moreover, if we don't deal with our emotions openly and appropriately, they can degrade the quality of our relationships in retaliation, and even destroy an otherwise harmonious relationship.

Daughter Julie was getting married soon, so as a father, Max discussed with her the wedding expenses.Was this just a father-daughter conversation about money?If so, then it is enough for Max and Julie to simply make a list of what is needed and negotiate how to buy it. "That's it. It costs 2,000 pounds to rent and furnish the banquet hall, 500 pounds to hire a band, and 7,200 pounds to buy food," etc., and the conversation ended there. But things are not that simple.It was a stressful and difficult conversation for both the father and the daughter.During the conversation, both parties felt a little impatient and sensitive, always trying to find fault with each other.After all, this is not a simple conversation about money. Emotions play a large part in the conversation.For example, when he thinks that his daughter is going to get married, Max naturally has mixed feelings, both sad and happy—sad because Julie will naturally pay less attention to him from then on; happy because his daughter has grown up , has become a mature and outstanding woman.For Max, planning the wedding was the last chance for Julie to have a conversation with him as a daughter, not as someone else's wife.He wished that Julie would constantly ask him questions and sincerely ask for his advice during the conversation, as she did when she was a child.

Whether these sentiments are valid or not, unless Marx expresses them explicitly, the conversation cannot proceed smoothly.why?Because only by resolving the most basic topic crisis can you have an efficient conversation, and in the conversation between the father and daughter, complex emotions are the core of the topic crisis.No matter how good the conversation skills the father and daughter have when it comes to negotiating the cost of their wedding, if they keep their mouths shut while talking, they won't be happy with the end result. Initially, Marx described his problem this way: "My daughter and I are having trouble deciding how to spend the wedding. She has her own ideas about the wedding, and I respect that, but I've always believed that it will be There are cheaper alternatives.” However, after our conversation with him, it was discovered that what really blocked the conversation between him and his daughter was the mixed emotions that both parties had on this matter.

This conversation pattern is very common: we will take the problem encountered in the conversation out of the conversation and solve it as an independent problem, and we believe that if we can improve our problem-solving ability and skills, all problems will be solved. It will work out.It seems to us that solving problems is much easier than talking about emotions. When we can't choose between escaping and facing it, and when we are in a dilemma, we tend to put our emotions out of the conflict as a coping strategy.The potential costs of sharing emotions can make talking about them feel like a big gamble.When we stake our emotions, there is a huge risk: we may hurt others, we may destroy our relationships, and more importantly, when we stake our emotions At the same time, we also put ourselves in a vulnerable position.If the other person doesn't care about our emotions, or responds with words we don't want to hear, what should we do?So, it seems, only by not throwing the emotion card, can we reduce the risk in this area.

The problem, however, is that when emotions are at the heart of events, they become a card that has to be played, and it becomes nearly impossible to ignore them.In many difficult conversations, the problem is often hidden behind the emotion, and the problem can only be solved by touching the emotion.Keeping emotions out of the conversation can result in dissatisfaction on both sides of the conflict.The real problem goes nowhere, and what's worse is that emotions have an uncanny ability to find their own ways and channels to get back into the conversation in ways that usually don't have a positive impact on the conversation.

Kathy told the executive committee that she did not think Emma was mature enough to have the competence and responsibility required in her new post after her promotion.Emma has always regarded Casey as a good teacher and helpful friend. When she learned the news, she was shocked. "I felt betrayed, and it was very strong," Emma said. "Kathy hurt me badly by thinking that, and she was telling management about it, not me. What I did made me feel even more angry." However, after thinking deeply about this matter, Emma also felt a little unconfident. "What if I'm really not ready?" She was a little worried.

Well, later that afternoon, Emma and Kathy had a brief conversation about it: During the conversation, Emma did not tell the other party her emotions. Instead, she argued with Casey about the rules of professional communication. Throughout, Emma never mentions emotional topics like "I feel hurt," "I feel angry," or "I worry about thinking you might be right," but these Emotions had a huge impact on their conversations. There are many ways that unspoken emotions can add an emotional layer to a conversation.They change or affect your tone and tone of voice; they express themselves through your body language or facial expressions; and they manifest their presence in the form of long pauses or inexplicable biases in speech.As a result, you may become impatient and aggressive, or you may put on a defensive stance, be sarcastic, or simply be unpredictable.Studies have shown that although few people can see through the lies of the other party at a glance, most people can quickly detect when the other party deliberately distorts, creates or controls emotions.This is because, when the channel of catharsis is blocked, your emotions will look for any possible outlet and seep out bit by bit.

Indeed, unspoken emotions can create a lot of unmanageable stress: you don’t want to work with a colleague because you have unresolved emotional issues with him; Divides develop between spouses, children, and friends. For some of us, the point is not that we can't express our emotions, but that we must.When we feel angry, we express that anger in some embarrassing or destructive way.Then we suddenly cry or lose our temper when we should be calm or collected.Of course, we can explain our tears or anger for many reasons, many of which have to do with our psychology.However, one of the common reasons is exactly the opposite of what we think: our crying and anger are not because we want to vent our inner emotions, but because we usually have too few opportunities to express our emotions!It's like you shake the carbonated drink in your hand repeatedly. Finally, when you open it, the carbon dioxide that has accumulated in the bottle for a long time is ejected.

Edward had a bad habit of yelling at his wife when he felt lost or frustrated.He told us that he is trying to learn to control his emotions.He told himself that no matter how frustrating his wife's behavior was, he had to suppress his inner feelings and not let them out.But in the end, he still failed.Regarding this habit of his own, Edward explained that he was too emotional. As long as he could increase his "self-control", he would be able to change this habit. However, his "self-control" made this habit intensify. In addition, unspoken emotions can create a third, more subtle barrier to conversation.Two of the most difficult (and most important) communication tasks in a difficult conversation are expressing emotion and listening.Through observation and guided practice, we found a subtle relationship between these two skills.When people have trouble hearing, it's usually not because they don't know how to listen, but because they don't know how to express themselves.This may sound unbelievable, but it is true.Unspoken emotions can hinder our ability to listen.

why?Because good listening often requires you to know the other person with an open and honest curiosity, willing and able to give your full attention to the other person.Emotions that are deliberately hidden bring the focus of our attention back to ourselves.In this way, what we ruminate in our minds is no longer "how to make their words meaningful" and "let's learn more about each other", but our own emotions. Angry! " "I don't think she seems to care about me at all." " "I feel that I am too fragile, anyone can attack me." "When our emotions don't resonate—even if we choose to keep silent—it's hard to hear what someone has to say. Once we express what's in our hearts, we Your listening ability will improve by leaps and bounds in an instant. You may feel your self-esteem takes a hit when certain important emotions go unexpressed, and you ask yourself why you didn't stand up for yourself?By doing so, you rob colleagues, friends, and family of the opportunity to understand your emotions and make changes in a timely manner, and most importantly, your relationship is likely to be damaged as a result.In fact, if you keep your emotions out of your relationship all the time, you won't be able to fully commit to the relationship. There are many ways to deal with emotional problems.Letting emotions into a conversation will often help it flow as long as you do it deliberately.Deliberate avoidance of emotions will inevitably hinder conversation, and expressing emotions may also hinder conversation, but these obstacles can be eliminated.If you can subtly let the other party understand your emotions, then you will not only avoid all the potential costs of expressing emotions, but also get some unexpected gains.This is how to get out of your emotional shackles. As long as you follow these key steps, you can subtly incorporate emotion into your conversations and relationships in a way that doesn't hurt anyone and always pleases everyone.First of all, you need to understand your emotions and sort them out; second, you need to negotiate with your emotions about the next step; judgments and views on the matter. Most of us think that knowing our emotions is as easy as knowing our warmth or coldness.We know ourselves, don't we?But the truth is, we often don't know how we feel.Many people don't know their emotions as well as they know a city they're visiting for the first time.We may be able to memorize some road signs, but we cannot keep up with the subtle rhythms of daily life in the city; we can find the main roads, but we often lose our way in the side streets and alleys.Before we set off to our destination, we must first figure out where we are now.In the big city of emotions, most people will get lost. The lack of understanding of our emotions is not because we can't express them, but because recognizing emotions is indeed a challenging job.Emotions are more complex and subtle than we usually think.In addition, Emotion is a master of disguise, very good at disguising.The emotions that make us uncomfortable often disguise themselves as acceptable and manageable emotions; while a messy and opposing emotions use masks to pretend to be a simple and harmonious emotion; most importantly, emotions It also transforms itself into your judgments, accusations, and opinions. As we grow up, each of us develops a personalized "emotional footprint," which includes the many emotions we can accept and express, as well as the emotions we don't want to face, and these emotions in turn determine the "emotional footprint." footprint” shape and size.Think back to your own growth process.How does your family deal with their emotions?Which emotions are free to discuss, and which emotions people pretend to ignore?To whom do you find it easy to admit and express emotions, and which emotions are difficult for you to express?As you consider and answer each of these questions, the outlines of your emotional footprint gradually emerge. Each of us has our own unique emotional footprint.You might be okay with your longings or sorrows, but angry emotions can make you uncomfortable.It may not be difficult for me to express my anger, but I feel powerless in the face of shame or failure.In fact, it's not just these so-called negative emotions that make us feel uncomfortable.It is easy for some people to express their disappointment, but it is quite difficult to express their feelings, pride or gratitude. On the one hand, your emotional footprint has its fixed form and connotation, on the other hand, it will show different postures in different relationships.In other words, depending on who you are — your mother, your best friend, your boss, or the stranger sitting next to you on the plane — you will have a different level of awareness of, and ability to express, your emotions.Therefore, exploring the true outline of your own emotional footprints with the help of various relationships will help you understand your emotions and their causes more thoroughly. Some of us limit our emotional footprint with the assumption that having emotions is inherently wrong.Rick, a retired judge, thinks so, "In my family, we were taught from a young age not to talk about our problems, or the emotions that accompany them." — any emotion — should be ashamed of it. Emotions do get us into trouble sometimes, but it all depends on how we deal with them correctly, and they don't go away anyway.In this sense, emotions are like our arms and legs.If you hit or kick someone, the arm and leg that caused the problem are certainly to blame, but do you want the strong man to cut off his wrist for it?There is nothing wrong with a person who is able-bodied, on the contrary, it is a very normal thing.So, having emotions is never your fault. The second assumption we used to define our emotional footprint was that there are certain emotions that being a "good person" should never touch: good people never lose their temper at someone they love; good people can't cry; good people can't fail, and they Never be a burden to others.If you're a good person, then we have some good news for you: Everyone gets angry, everyone has the urge to cry, everyone has the potential to fail, and everyone needs help and care from other people. Your emotions can sometimes get you down too.For example, you think you must be sad at your brother's funeral, but in fact you find that you feel nothing but anger.You thought you'd be thrilled when you finally landed your dream job, but you didn't realize that you'd be in tears and overwhelmed.Whether or not these emotions are what you think they are, the fact that they exist is indisputable.Facing your mother, if you only have those good emotions, it is naturally a very gratifying thing. However, you find that even in the face of your closest relatives, you will also feel annoyed, ashamed, and even resentful.We've all had battles with our emotions that have nothing to do with whether you're a good person or not. Sometimes denying the existence of emotions has a deeper psychological effect: When faced with certain situations of extreme anxiety, fear, failure or pain, deliberately ignoring the resulting negative emotions can help you cope better Everyday life that follows.Until you know what's going on, the best way to deal with it is to keep silent.At the same time, we must also recognize the fact that the emotions of being denied will eventually have a subtle impact on communication.All things being equal, the best thing to do is to work through the pain and work on understanding your emotions, although you can also turn to a clinical therapist or a trusted friend for help.When you start to recognize that emotions are always there and start to deal with the underlying causes of those emotions, your interactions with others—including difficult conversations—will become easier. The reason some of us can't see our own emotions is because we keep thinking that other people's emotions are more important than others. For example, you both feel that when your father is old and frail, you should take him in to live with you.However, with the arrival of your father, his endless demands and eccentric and paranoid personality also began to affect your family life, especially his medication and frequent doctor's visits made you feel unbearably annoying.Exhausted and frustrated, you start thinking, why wouldn't your brother take care of your father for you?Nevertheless, you did not mention this to your parents and brother. "It's going to be tough, but not unbearable," you consider, "and I don't want to add to the mess." At this point, you get a call from your girlfriend and you're told she won't be able to make an appointment on Friday night.She asks if you can move the date to Saturday because a friend of hers is coming and wants to go to a movie with her on Friday.You say "well, as long as you're happy" and even though you agree to reschedule the date to Saturday, you don't actually have time on Saturday because you've already planned to go to a football game.After thinking about it, you finally decided to go to see your girlfriend, so you gave up the football game. Each time, you choose to put other people's emotions first so you can only sacrifice your own.Does it make sense to do so?Is your father's sense of loss, and your brother's peace really more important than your own?A girlfriend's desire to watch a movie with friends must be more important than your desire to watch a football game?Why do they express their emotions and preferences every time, but you can only accommodate them and wrong yourself? There are many reasons why you choose to respect other people's emotions—even if it means you have to give up your own—and the unspoken rule that you follow in doing so is that you should put the other person's happiness first.From your point of view, if your friends or lovers or colleagues don't get what they want, they will feel sad, and you will have to deal with the consequences.If so, it may be true, but it is not fair to you.Compared with their anger, your anger is not right or wrong, good or bad. "The best and easiest way is to calm down." You think I don't like the way they are angry at me with a straight face, let alone see it. "If you think like this, you've greatly underestimated your own emotions and interests. Your friends, neighbors, and bosses will all notice this, and they'll start thinking of you as a "dealable" person. When When you pay more attention to other people's emotions and ignore your own emotions, you are also suggesting, or teaching others: You can also ignore my emotions. Therefore, one thing needs to remind you: you don't want to mention One of the reasons for this is because you don't want to ruin the relationship between you. However, you choose to keep silent, but that doesn't mean you don't complain about it. Over time, the resentment in your heart grows day by day. It will cause a fatal blow to your relationship. As we often say, freezing three feet does not happen overnight. Brett often had disputes with his mother about finding a job.His mother called him frequently, urging him to send more resumes, interview more, and ask him to search for job information on the Internet.From his own point of view, Bright himself is not positive about this.Whenever he received a call from his mother, he either ended the conversation hastily or tried to change the subject. Bright told a friend of his about the problem, and the friend advised him not to back down, but to tell his mother what he was thinking and feeling. "What good does it do?" Bright asked. "I just felt pissed off. She was driving me nuts." But Brett's friend stood his ground and encouraged him to think about whether he was harboring other emotions besides anger.Eventually, Brett took his friend's advice, and that very night, he made a list of all his feelings—about the job search, about his mother, and about himself. He was surprised by the list.When it came to finding a job, he found himself feeling hopeless, confused and intimidated.Therefore, in his view, delaying job hunting is actually a way to avoid anxiety.For his mother, his feelings are a bit complicated.On the one hand, his mother's aggressive urging really annoyed and disgusted him; on the other hand, he could also feel his mother's concern and love for him, which was really important to him. As for himself, shame was what Brett felt the most.He felt that he had failed his mother, and, at least so far, he was truly ashamed of his college education and his own potential.However, although he felt ashamed and ashamed, he was more or less proud.Some of his friends had found jobs in management training, and he should be able to find something similar, but that wasn't what he wanted.As long as he can finally find a job that is more suitable for him, he is fully willing to bear the pressure of job hunting.At the same time, now, he is doing some odd jobs, and he has never asked his mother for a dime for living expenses. After making this list, Brett was surprised to find that he had so many emotions besides anger.A friend's suggestion is like a ray of light, illuminating his heart and providing him with a more favorable perspective to examine himself.At first, he only saw one emotion in his eyes, but now, he can see all emotions—both superficial and hidden. In many cases, we are often blinded by one strong emotion and ignore other emotions.In Bright's case, he was blinded by anger.In other specific cases, because each person is different, the emotions that affect us are also different. Getting acquainted with those subtle emotions will help you better understand yourself.On the next page, we'll list some of the emotions we're all too familiar with, but sometimes have a hard time recognizing or expressing. Don't let hidden emotions keep other emotions from expressing themselves.Another common misconception about emotions is that an emotion, even though we are not aware of its existence, can still interfere with our various experiences. For Jamila, expressing her love for her husband was extremely difficult. "I know I love him very much," she said. "He is very tolerant, he can tolerate everything about me, including my shortcomings, and he is a good husband. However, I find it very difficult to express my love to him." Things." Something must be holding Jamila back from expressing affection, and she doesn't know anything about it. At first, Jamila often blamed herself: "Maybe, this is just a manifestation of my incompetence. A good wife can tell her husband frankly that she cares about him." When Jamila asked us for help, We asked her a question: Have you ever expressed other feelings to your husband?We wondered if she ever expressed anger or disappointment in front of her husband Qu. "You're mistaken." She interrupted our question. "I'm trying to learn how to express love. If you ask me who has the right to be angry, it must be my husband, because he has been suffering in silence. My incompetent wife." From what she said, we seem to have discovered something.In any marriage, or relationship, everyone will at least have the experience of being irritated by the other person. "Has your husband ever irritated you?" we asked. "I think, once in a while." Finally, she finally admitted.So we went on to ask, "If you could relax completely and vent to your husband once—say all your thoughts and emotions—without worrying about the consequences, what would you say to your husband?" After pondering for a long time, Jamila said something shocking: "It is true that I am not the best wife, but there is no doubt that as long as I have the opportunity, I will work hard to get closer to this goal." You always like to act like a victim, worrying and complaining all day long, all of which disgust me! I may not be perfect, but you are by no means a saint! Have you ever thought that your What kind of harm will the endless ridicule like a surging river do to me?" Before the words fell, Jamila added: "Of course, I would never say such a thing to him, and I really don't know if this is fair..." In fact, for Jamila, is this true? Fairness, or reasonableness, is not important, what is important is that such thoughts and emotions do exist.You can imagine how these hidden resentments affect her ability to express herself whenever she tries to express her love—or any other emotion—to her husband.She hides these angry emotions so deeply that she sometimes forgets their existence, but the objective existence of them prevents her from expressing other emotions.Jamila eventually realized that if I had vented some of my anger earlier, I might have been able to express my love to my husband more easily. " Let's set aside for a moment whether and how to vent our anger.Now, what we're going to do is build on this example and discuss how to negotiate with your emotions. Just as peanuts are not nuts, whales are not fish, and tomatoes are not vegetables, attribution, judgment, and blame are not emotions. As we have already seen, there are many dangers in casually assuming other people's intentions, one is that doing so will lead to misunderstanding and defensiveness; the other is that once these assumptions, or attributions, occupy our minds, it is difficult for us to Discover the real drivers of intentions—the emotions that lurk behind them. Emily encountered such a problem in her relationship with her friend Roz. “Roz was never warm enough,” Emily explained. “I helped her through the divorce. During that time, when she felt alone, I would talk to her; when she needed help, I will be by her side. And from the beginning to the end, she never said thank you to me." Emily claimed that she had told Rhodes how she felt, but the other party remained indifferent. So what exactly did Emily say to Rhodes? "I told her exactly how I felt. I was honest. I told her that sometimes, she would be completely self-centered and not care about other people's feelings. After listening to me, she Still going my own way, and refusing me mercilessly. She said, I am too sensitive. When you talk about emotions with someone like Roz, the end result must be nothing. She is not worth it. " "If you are my good friend, you should always be by my side." "Why do you want to hurt me?" "You're so unreasonable." "The solution is to call me more often." Here, I invite everyone to pay attention to the content of Emily's communication with Rhodes.She said that you are completely self-centered and have no regard for other people's feelings. "It was all about Emily's assessment of Roz, not her emotions and feelings. Emily was finally able to focus more on her own feelings, spurred by this observation. I think, I feel hurt. I'm confused about our friendship. I'm a little annoyed by Roz's behavior. I'm also a little embarrassed in a way. I gave a lot for our friendship, but she obviously doesn't. Don't value this friendship as much as I do. I'm a complete and complete fool!" Sometimes the difference between evaluations and emotions is so subtle that it's difficult for us to tell the difference.When we say our judgments about others, it sounds like we are stating our own emotions and feelings.In fact, the judgments of others stem from the very emotions and feelings we have in us—anger, loss, hurt—and it’s clear to those who hear them that we do have some emotions.Unfortunately, they are likely to be unable to identify the content of these emotions, and more importantly, they will focus on an even more unfortunate fact: that we are judging, blaming, and blaming others.This is a natural consequence. Despite "You are completely self-centered and have no regard for other people's feelings" and "I think you hurt me and made me feel very confused and embarrassed".These two sentences sound similar, but they are actually very different in essence.A critical step in bringing your own emotions into conversation subtly is finding those emotions that hide behind and around attributions of anger and judgments. When we encourage people to drop the blame and instead look for the source of the conflict from their own perspective, people often complain to us that the conversation that follows often leaves them feeling uncomfortable.It’s as if they wanted a cup of real ice cream and ended up with a bowl of nonfat yogurt instead.As a result, they were not reconciled and came to a conclusion: talking about imputation is useless at all, and blaming the other party is the result they really need. In fact, what really makes them feel dissatisfied is not to blame others for failure, but to express emotional failure.The desire to blame others arises when people are emotionally disturbed in the process of attribution.Blame cannot continue once it is blocked by those unspoken emotions.At this time, it is natural for people to think: "Admit it! It was your fault!" We should realize that this desire to blame is just an important clue, which will help us find those who have not yet emotions expressed.有时候，不满足感会伴随着归责谈话的深入而出现，只不过，我们不应该将它当成指责的借口，而是应该在它的刺激下进一步搜寻那些隐藏得很深的情绪。一旦这些情绪得到了充分的表达（“这是我的责任，这是我所认为你应当承担的责任，最重要的是，我再也不觉得被遗弃了”），指责的欲望自然也就偃旗息鼓了。 我们的一位同事有两条表达情绪的原则。他首先向我们解释了第二条原则：尝试着将你的全部情绪和感受融入到谈话中。绝大多数人听到这条原则可能都会不寒而栗。的确，我们都认为有些情绪还是不表达出来为佳。而这恰恰引出了这位同事的第一条原则：在将所有的情绪都表达出来之前，首先和你的情绪进行一场对话。 绝大多数人都认为，我们的情绪是静态的，没有任何可商榷的余地，因此，如果我们想诚实地将它们表达出来，就必须“有一说一”。其实则不然，我们的情绪都是建立在感知的基础上，而我们的感知（正如我们在前三章里已经看到的）是可以协商并进而改变的。当我们看世界的方法发生改变时，我们的情绪自然也会发生相应的改变。于是，我们在表达情绪之前，先和它们协商好就显得十分重要了。 何谓和自己的情绪进行协商？从本质上来说，这就是帮助我们了解情绪是如何在思想的作用下应运而生的。试想一下，当你正在海中潜水时，忽然，一条鲨鱼游进了你的视线。马上，你的心开始怦怦直跳，内心的恐惧感瞬间急速膨胀。你很害怕，而害怕正是你在感知的刺激下所产生的一种最自然同时也最能让人理解的情绪。 现在，让我们继续想象。通过之前学过的海洋生物学知识，很快，你判定这是一只礁鲨，而这种鲨鱼一般都不会危及人类。想到这儿，刚刚还急速膨胀的恐惧感立刻消失了。相反，你甚至感到十分兴奋，并且很想实地观察一下鲨鱼在水中的行为。从恐惧到兴奋，你的情绪发生了180度大转变，造成这一巨大改变的不是鲨鱼——鲨鱼仍旧是之前那条鲨鱼——而是你对整件事情的感知。在任何情况下，我们的情绪都是随着思想感知的改变而改变的。 这就意味着，改变情绪的惟一途径就是改变我们的想法。正如我们在“发生了什么”对话中所看到的那样，我们的想法常常会被误导，而误导的因素和方式是完全可以为我们所预知的，而这正好为我们与自己的情绪进行协商奠定了基础。 首先，我们需要认真地审视自己对事情的认识——即我们的故事。我们究竟向自己讲述了一个怎样的故事，从而引发了我们的哪些感受和情绪？故事中是否遗漏了什么呢？他人的故事又是怎样的呢？在大多数情况下，随着对他人想法的了解逐渐增加，我们的情绪通常也会随之而改变。 其次，我们需要深入了解自己对他人意图所做出的种种假设。我们对他人意图所做出的缺乏根据的假设，究竟对我们的情绪产生了何种程度的影响？对方的这一行为是否也许根本就是无心的，又或者，他的意图很复杂而且充满了矛盾呢？我们对他人观点的看法，究竟是如何影响我们的感受的呢？我们自己的意图又是什么呢？促使我们这样做的原因是什么？我们的行为会对他们造成怎样的影响呢？而这些影响是否会改变他们的感受或情绪呢？ 最后，我们应当考虑归责体系。我们是否能够发现自己在这个问题上的责任？我们是否能够不受指责欲望的干扰，客观地指出对方的责任？我们是否知道，事件双方的责任究竟又是如何相互作用，最终导致了矛盾的产生？而这又是如何影响我们的情绪？ 对于所有这些问题，我们并不需要一一给出确定的答案。毕竟，在我们与对方进行谈话之前，我们只能做出假设。可是，对我们而言，能够做到提出这些问题并仔细思考，同时从各个角度观察我们的情绪，这就已经足够了。如果我们的思考卓有成效，如果我们诚实以对，如果我们能本着公正公开的态度接近这些问题，我们的情绪就必然会发生转变。我们的怒火也许就会渐渐熄灭，我们所受的伤害也会有所减轻；我们的种种情绪——被辜负或抛弃，或羞愧，或焦虑一也会逐渐回到我们的掌握之中。 现在，让我们回到杰米拉和她丈夫的故事上来。通过向我们发泄，杰米拉终于第一次认识到了自己的愤怒。不过，愤怒并不是她惟一的情绪，通过反思，她并不认为自己就是受害者，而丈夫的遭遇也不完全值得同情。当她从丈夫的角度来考虑整件事，当她问自己丈夫为何要这样做，当她不再只关注于指责丈夫，也开始思考各自的责任时，杰米拉对整件事情的描述便开始变得复杂起来，一如她的情绪。 她终于开始采用“和”姿态，同时思考多件事，并且也开始敞开心扉，和丈夫分享这一切。“我知道，对于我俩之间的问题，我需要承担一部分的责任。”她对丈夫说你的一些做法让我倍感气愤和沮丧，于是，在愤怒和失落的驱使下，我将注意力更多地投向了问题，而忽视了我们的力量。可是，当我平复心态，回过头仔细思考时，我清楚地意识到，我很爱你，我真的很希望事情能好转起来。”杰米拉意识到，只要将心中的愤怒情绪表达出来，她的表达爱意之路立刻就变得畅通无阻——尽管速度可能很慢，但是最后的成功是属于她的——当初驱使她向我们求助的大难题终于得到了圆满解决。 当你发现了自己的情绪，并和它们进行了协商之后，你现在面对的任务就是决定如何处理这些情绪。有时候，你会觉得和对方分享你的情绪根本没有必要；有时候，你又会觉得这样做根本无助于事。当然，无论怎样，你的情绪都将会成为谈话的核心。 很多时候，我们明明已经清楚地表达了情绪，却依然表现得十分情绪化。每当这时，我们就会感到很困惑。事实上，情绪和情绪化之间并不能划等号。你可以平静地表达情绪而无需表现得情绪化，你也可能会表现得十分情绪化而谈论的内容其实与情绪无关。巧妙而清楚地表达情绪需要深思熟虑，在表达情绪时，你可以参考以下三条指导方针，它们应该可以帮助你消除内心的焦虑，完成一次高效率的谈话。 巧妙表达情绪的第一步其实很简单，你只需要记住情绪很重要就足够了。几乎所有的高难度谈话都伴随有强烈的情绪。要做到抛开情绪去描述问题并不是不可能，但是，要想抛开情绪去解决问题就几乎不可能了。既然情绪是问题的一部分，我们就应该正视情绪。 即使是不合理的情绪，也一样可以表达出来。你认为自己的确不应该有这种情绪，可是这一想法并不会改变你有这种情绪的事买。你的情绪——至少在那一刻——已经成为了你们关系当中一个重要的组成部分。在表达情绪之前，你可以先让对方知道，自己因为这些情绪而倍感不安，或告诉对方，你并不确定将情绪表达出来是否有意义，但是你想和对方分享它们。你这样做的目的就是为了暂时将情绪束之高阁。如此一来，你就可以决定稍后如何处理这些情绪。 让我们重新回到布莱特和他的母亲关于他找工作的谈话当中。我们很容易就能明白，当布莱特意识到自己只有一种情绪，那就是愤怒时，为何他会在决定是否表达情绪时显得犹豫不决。他明白，当他告诉母亲自己很生气时，母亲只会用同样的话回敬他。如此一来，谈话最好的结果就是一事无成，但是，最后的结果却很有可能是进一步加剧双方的怒气。 可是，如果布莱特能够花时间，更加全面地表达自己的情绪呢？他可以不说“妈妈，你就快把我逼疯了”，而是取而代之以——“每当你问我工作找得怎样时，我真是百感交集。我感到气愤。我想，那大概是因为我已经跟你说过很多次，不要再问了，可是你却总是那么锲而不舍。不过，我也并不是一无是处，我有信心一切都会变好。我明白，你寄期望于我，也很关心我，但是，请给我时间，好吗？” 当母亲问他为何不能在找工作时表现得积极一点，而不是仅仅对她说“不要烦我”时，布莱特可以回答说对我而言，和你谈论这个问题实在是太难了。无论何时，只要一想到它，我就感到无比羞愧，我觉得自己辜负了你的期望，又或者，我觉得自己正在浪费生命。 " 随者被引入谈话的情绪越来越充分，布莱特逐渐改变了谈话的本质。这已经不再是一场关于愤怒的战争。布莱特将他和母亲的谈话引入到了一个更深更复杂的层面，并且为母亲提供了思考的信息。借此，她将对儿子的行为动机有更深入的了解，同时，她也会更加清楚自己的行为对儿子造成怎样的影响。布莱特的情绪表达并不是谈话的结束，恰恰相反，一切才刚刚开始。全面透彻地表达情绪也许并不会化解谈话中的矛盾，但是，它却能消除其中的争吵因素，让谈话双方更加深入地了解彼此，投入到解决问题的讨论当中，最重要的是，它将会为他们指出一条“康庄大道”，沿着这条光明之路，他们将会发现一种不同于以往但却更加高效的沟通方式。 在你开始梳理自己的情绪之前，有一个很关键的步骤：让每个人的情绪都得到充分的表达和聆听。如果你说我觉得受到了伤害。”对方会说：“你这是小题大做。”于是，双方的沟通就此被打断，既无法进一步了解对方，也无法继续商讨问题的解决之策。过早地对他人的情绪做出不成熟的评价将会阻碍他们表达情绪，并最终妨碍双方的关系。对此，你可以借助于以下原则，在心里建立一块无评价的“情绪真空”地带：单纯地分享情绪（不妄加评判，也不随意归因和指责）；暂不考虑解决问题；不要搞一言堂，而应当倡导“百家争鸣”。 人们常常说我已经将情绪毫无保留地表达出来了，结果却引发了一场战争。”还记得艾米丽和罗兹的故事吗？艾米丽告诉罗兹，她认为她“完全以自我为中心，丝毫不顾忌他人的感受”，而原因就是艾米丽在罗兹离婚时尽心尽力地照顾她，可最终罗兹却并未表示感谢。面对这样的“控诉”，罗兹生气并奋起反击完全是意料之中的事。 在意识到自己表达的是一种评价而非情绪之后，艾米丽说道和上次不同的是，这一次我并没有对她做出任何评价，只是向她解释，自己受到了伤害，而且对于我俩之间的友谊充满了疑感。让我惊讶的足，听了我的话，她表现得十分懊恼，并且不停地感谢我曾经为她所做的一切。 " 要想成功地将情绪表达出来，你必须十分谨慎，绝不能在情绪中添加任何评价，也不能由此而随意地归因和指责对方。在表达情绪时，你必须仔细斟酌每一个字和词，从而确保自己表达的内容正确而准确。例如：“你实在是太不值得信赖了！”这句话就是对他人性格的评判，其中没有包含任何与说话人情绪有关的内容。“我绝对值得信赖！”如果对方用这点反驳实在是一点也不足为怪。 相反，如果说话人换一种说法：“我觉得很沮丧。你根本就没有把信发出去。”如此一来，对方不仅不会觉得受到了指责，而且还会将注意力转移到说话人的情绪上。这种表达方式并不会让之前的问题凭空消失，但是它却能够引导双方进入一种高效率的谈话当中。 同样地，我们在表达情绪的同时，往往会下意识地融入指责的因素，从而在不知不觉中为谈话的顺利进行设置障碍。我们说“你没有像约好的那样给我打电话。因为你的错误，我受到了伤害”，这句话的确表达了“我”的情绪——“我受到了伤害”——但同时也包含了一种指责——我受到伤害是因为谁的错？于是，对方很有可能会将注意力集中在你正在指责他的事实上，而忽略了你的情绪。因此，更好的表述方式是先说情绪——“当你没给我打电话时，我真的很伤心”——然后再从双方身上寻找各自的职责（不是指责）。 如果你和其他人一同去杂货店买东西，购物篮里的商品不会只属于你一个人。恰恰相反，你们俩会各自挑选自己中意的商品，然后放进购物篮。在探讨情绪时，道理也一样。你迟到了，你的老板感到不悦，说了你几句，为此，你有些生气，与此同时，你的老板也正因为你没有准时将备忘录准备好而有些气愤。如果你因为情绪而激动，对方也很有可能和你一样。正如矛盾的两种情绪并不会因为矛盾而使彼此消失，对方的情绪也不会因为你有情绪而消失，反之亦然。所以，在你试图解决问题之前，你应当让谈话双方（包括自己）充分地表达各自强烈且可能相矛盾的情绪，这很重要。 让人感到惊讶的是，许多人宁愿什么都不说，也不愿说出简单的三个字：“我感到……”尽管如此，这三个字却能够对你的听众产生巨大的影响。 “我感到……”不过是一个简单的开场白，但它却能给你带来许多额外的收获。它会让双方的焦点始终凝聚在情绪上，并且让对方清楚地意识到，你只是在从自己的角度出发，就事论事。这也就避开了评判或谴责所造成的理解误区。例如，对于争吵而言，“为何你总是要在孩子面前破坏我的形象？！”实在是一个相当不错的开场白。很显然，你的配偶感受到了你的愤怒或失望，可是，从你的话语当中却丝毫找不到任何情绪的踪迹——能够找到的只有你对配偶意图及其为人父母技巧的评价。如果你换一个开场白，“每当你当着孩子的面反驳我的育儿观点时，我都觉得很泄气，而且很担心这一信息会对孩子造成不利的影响。”面对你的情绪陈述，你的配偶无法反驳。于是，她（他）紧张的防御心理也许会有所缓和，并且很有可能会和你就你的情绪，她（他）的情绪，以及你们的育儿方式进行一次深入的沟通。 在通向解决问题的道路上，描述情绪是你迈出的第一步也是很重要的一步，可是，你却并不能在描述情绪之后，一蹴而就，直奔终点——解决问题。事实上，在你出发前，问题各方的情绪都必须得到对方的认可。认可他人的情绪是一个不能被忽略，也无法跳过的步骤。 何谓认可他人的情绪？意思很简单，即让对方知道他们的话对你产生了一定的影响，而你很在乎他们的情绪，也正在努力地理解它们。“噢！”你可以说，“我从来不知道你还有这样的感受”或“我想到了你会有这样的感受，而我也很高兴你愿意和我分享这些情绪”，抑或“这听起来对你真的很重要”。你需要让对方知道，你认为了解他们的观点很重要，而你也正在尝试着这样做：“在我说出自己的观点和感受之前，我想听你说说更多你在我对你颐指气使这件事情上的感受。” 跳过麻烦的情绪，直捣黄龙，这样的想法的确很有诱惑力。我们想继续谈话，想讨论问题，想让一切都变得更好。因此，我们常常会通过“修补”情绪的方式借机摆脱它们：“这样吧。如果你觉得孤单，我想我会尝试着花更多的时间来陪伴你。”或甚至说：“你是对的。我能说什么呢？”面对你的情绪，这也许是对方最诚实的反应，而他们能够将其表达出来，这固然也很好，但是，这一切也实在是太快了，快得让你甚至无暇做出反应。 为了不让沟通就此停滞不前，你需要将话题重新引回到理解的目的上：“我并不是说，你故意要伤害我。我不知道你是否做了伤害我的事情。对我而言，重要的是，我希望你能明白，当你在全部门同事面前批评我的工作时，我有何感受。”在转向解决问题之前，无论是对你，还是对他人，你都有责任保证对方认可这一话题对你的重要性，同时确保他们的确已经了解了你的情绪，并且十分赞赏你愿意与他们分享自己情绪的这一做法。如果他们并不了解此事对你的重要性，而你也没有旗帜鲜明地将其表达出来，那么，你的这-做法无异于作茧自缚。 对任何关系而言，认可情绪都是至关重要的，在那些被称作“老大难”的问题中，情况更是如此。曾经有这么一个事例，因为种族因素的原因，某个临时组成的团体显得气氛有些紧张，结果，一个简单的认可情绪的行为却帮助人们化解了这一紧张气氛。情况是这样的：来自各行各业的人们聚在了一起，就最近发生在警察和少数种族成员之间的一件事而展开了讨论。谈论的人群里有警察，政治家，商人以及附近的居民。最后，当被问到“你认为自己的话是否会改变其他人的观点”时，一个黑人小伙子泪流满面地回答说你们不会明白的。我根本就没打算改变任何人的观点。我只是想和大家分享自己的故事。我不想听到任何人说一切都会变好，也不想听到你们说这不是他们的错，我更不想让其他人对我说，他们的故事也和我的一样可怕。我只是想说出我的故事，和大家一起分享我的感受。那么，我为什么会流泪呢？因为我现在知道了：他们都很在乎我，所以才会聆听我的述说。 " 当准新娘的父亲马克思和女儿分享了他那失落和骄傲的情绪之后，原本因为婚礼花销而产生的问题自然也就变得简单了。之前隐藏在他们谈话中，给他们惹麻烦的潜台词——马克思对婚礼的抗拒情绪，以及女儿对于马克思想控制自己而产生的怨恨心理——终于可以开诚布公地说出来，不再扮演阻碍他们解决问题的绊脚石的角色了。最重要的是，父女之间形成了一种新的健康的关系——双方都知道并理解了自己在对方心中的定位，终于可以坦诚地面对自己和对方。 然而，有时候，情绪尽管很关键，但却并非问题的全部。有时候，情绪本来就是一个困难而麻烦的问题，而你还需要绞尽脑汁将其他因素通通考虑进来，或是想尽办法巧妙地将其提出来。建立和维护人际关系，以及解决你所面对的问题都需要经历一个漫长而艰难的过程。尽管如此，这却是一种至关重要的，能够帮助你和他人——就你的情绪和问题——进行有效沟通的方法。