Chapter 14 everyone smiles

A young couple appeared by the gate of the restaurant, and the waitress who received them asked, "Do you have a reservation?" The young man gave a negative answer with a little apology.I saw him biting his lower lip and shaking his head from left to right, obviously longer than usual.Would he blame himself for not following the restaurant's dining rules?At this time, the waitress' eyes swept all the tables, trying to solve the dining problem of the couple.She said: "Let's see if there is any solution." The lady in the couple lowered her head slightly, her shoulders hung down, her eyes were fixed on the toes of her shoes, as if she had made a mistake and was caught. .A small, frightened smile appeared on her face.

After a while, the waitress returned to the lucky couple with a big smile on her face, and it seemed that there was a way.She said, "Come with me!" The three of them walked towards a table next to me.The little sign that read "Appointment" is quietly removed, and the waitress winks at the couple, indicating that the table is available for them.The young man looked at her worriedly, his legs slightly bent, and he scratched his head before sitting down.Then the lady sat down too.The two faced each other, leaning forward, as if they were going to hug each other across the table, and finally they didn't forget to look around secretly through the corners of their eyes.Has anyone seen their "crime"?I didn't make a reservation myself, but took a table reserved by someone else!

And I am very grateful to this restaurant, not only because they solved the dining problem for the couple, but also provided me with a funny scene while waiting for the main meal.Every step, every movement, every look of the two young men reflected one of the most fundamental elements of human social behavior: the suppression of anger.Smiling, bowing the head, bending the legs, hanging the shoulders, etc. to make the body smaller, these are small but very clear signals in the rhythm of human behavior, used to show that one does not have any angry intentions. By the way, that smile is, you might say, a sign of friendliness.That's true, but it's primarily a signal to suppress anger.When people say the wrong thing, break something, bump into someone in the street, it's always followed by a smile, as if to say: Sorry, I did something stupid, broke the rules, and offended you, but I No intention, no malice, no trouble.It's also true to think of a smile as a sign of friendliness, because friendliness can also be interpreted as a restraint of anger.One cannot be friendly and angry at the same time.If you want to show that you mean no harm, a friendly signal is a good way to do it.Can the human brain function so rationally?No, of course not.This has to do with an innate behavioral system, the vast majority of which consists of coded genes.Before we go any further, let's go and see my neighbor at the table.Why are they sending those signals?Don't you just come to eat something?

That man and woman are played by guilt.They didn't make a reservation and took a table reserved by someone else, which caused the problem.It's just a little bit of guilt, but it's there, and our brains are so sensitive to even tiny changes in emotion, emotion, motivation, etc.The two broke the rules, so they wanted to show everyone that they had no malicious intentions, would not cause trouble, and would not attack others. They just wanted to obediently eat up the food on the plate in front of them.But the anger-suppression signal they send is so weak that it's barely noticeable. It could be counted as a micro-signal, but it's a micro-error at first.

The waiter brought bad news: the Wiener Schnitzel was gone.He said, "I'm sorry, the tonkatsu are all sold out, I'm so sorry, what do you think of this?" He pointed at the menu with trembling hands, and said "I'm sorry" several times in succession.It's also a suppression of anger because he's breaking the rules too.Just imagine, if a customer orders tonkatsu, it should be tonkatsu.The waiter's genes directed him to hold back his anger: don't hit me, I know I was wrong, but that's it, it can't get any worse. "I'm sorry" is an anger brake we often hear, and it is presented in the form of verbal signals in the above situations.The word and its pronunciation, though not genetically determined, are the clockwork of apology, because apologizing is tantamount to suppressing anger.Here again, culture complements genetically controlled behavior.Gene says "Apologize quickly, hold back your anger," and culture finds a common word.

By now, you may have already had the following questions.How much do these little episodes we encounter in our daily lives have to do with anger?Isn't anger supposed to be about street fights or throwing bombs?It has nothing to do with going to a restaurant.Yes, you are right.But anger is everywhere, or at any time, it's just so common that we don't realize it.Only extreme forms of anger, such as a fight or an armed encounter, attract attention, but fortunately these are the exception.Anger has been ingrained in our social systems for millions of years, and the systems have evolved to a level of sophistication that keeps everything on track.that is the truth.

Of all animals, humans are the most social, and I hope you won't be bored by repeating this point.People and sociability have become almost synonymous.Living in a well-structured group is the ideal nutritive basis for a higher system of cumulative culture, which is cooperation.Many animals cooperate, but never to the level of sophistication that humans do.Collaboration feels natural to us because we've always been in societies where everyone contributes in one way or another to a huge system.Yes, you and I are among them.Since we had never seen anything else, it seemed normal.But from a biological standpoint, it's far more than usual.Even the most elaborate system of cooperating individuals can be disrupted by small frictions among its members.For example, if you and I move a heavy table together, we can do it by lifting our heads to the same height, keeping our feet in the same direction, and moving in the same direction, but once I feel You ran too fast and got into a fight with you, and the table couldn't be moved far.If the table is heavier, it will take four people to lift it. As long as there is a conflict between two of them, it is impossible to move it forward.The more people cooperating, the weaker the cooperating system becomes.Cooperating individuals need to cooperate with each other.It is not difficult to imagine what a sophisticated social structure is required to build a skyscraper!

For our ancestors, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of years ago, cooperation was also very important.They had to organize people who hunted, built houses, and educated children.The balance required is very fragile, because where there are many people, there will always be friction and even conflict.Cohabitation has many advantages, such as mutual protection, hunting, cooperation, etc., but it also has its disadvantages.This is true of all advanced, social animals.The more members there are in the group, the greater the competition for food, social, interests, etc., which will lead to conflict sooner or later.This is the contradiction of living together, there are gains and losses.In order to avoid the "loss" in it, the inhibition system was created, which again applies to all social animals.Every friction, every potential conflict caused by anger has to be killed at the first sign.The cost of anger is too high, and the benefits of cooperation are so great that once lost, people cannot live.The inhibitory system can send behavioral signals so that each member of the group can clearly show others that they are not angry, and cooperation can continue as usual.A trained person can observe countless signals with this function, and it is not just in restaurants.

Nonverbal expression—that is, silent behavior—has been around for a long time in anger suppression, and it's widespread.All these signals can be summed up by one phenomenon: shorting one's own body.They are the exact opposite of signs of strength, which make a person big.In the process of suppressing anger, the shoulders will drop, the knees will bend slightly, the head will be lowered, and the eyes will often look at the ground, never at the other side.Staring at other people usually means anger in all primates, including humans.Furthermore, our culture supplements the biological symbols of suppressing anger with words: "I'm sorry," "Don't be mad at me," "Ouch, that's not what I meant," and so on.Count how many times we use these kinds of phrases in everyday conversation.

It's time to smile again.At first, it was a brake to reduce friction and conflict.When we're introduced to someone we don't know, it's an instant smile.No matter how small the smile is, the raised corner of the mouth can always make the other person feel at ease.What we want to say is: Although I don't know you, I will never hit you for no reason.If the expression on the face of the person shaking your hand doesn't change in the slightest, he or she is either mean-spirited, facially paralyzed, or, naturally, a sour plum who doesn't think to be friendly in order to suppress anger.From this I came to an original conclusion: no one can't smile!Cooperation is at the heart of being human and can only be kept functioning by constantly suppressing anger, smiling is the most important element of it and inherently human.Maybe I'm speaking too strongly, but it's certainly true.

Of course, there are bound to be situations in life where you simply don't want to hold back your anger.For example, your wife ran away with a colleague, and the colleague still has the guts to call and ask you to pick up his wife's underwear.Then all you can do is punch him on the nose without holding back your anger.Having said that, I will not elaborate any further, and it is time to digress.But on a final thought, when war is fought, war is so animalistic that soldiers are not allowed to accept the signals the enemy might send to suppress anger.No one has to think about lowering their anger. After eating dessert, I looked at the young couple again.The man was talking to the waiter, pointing at the bill with anger in his eyes.I don't have to guess whether the bill is wrong or not. The waiter's wry smile and apologetic eyes are enough to explain the problem.In an effort to nip all the anger in the bud, I decided not to check out.See, evolution has its cheap days.