Chapter 17 Chapter Seventeen Eloquence

People often say "don't fight an unprepared battle".When a person needs to ask a stranger to do something, it is like fighting a battle. Only by making full preparations in advance can a battle be won.So, how to prepare?On the one hand, you can learn about the other party’s background, experience, personality, and preferences through various channels; Prepare.Then, in the communication, aim at the characteristics of the other party and do what they like.It made him feel like "seeing each other late", thus successfully winning the trust of the other party. Sheng Xuanhuai was a minister in the late Qing Dynasty.When he met with an unfamiliar superior, he paid great attention to understanding the relevant situation of the other party.Once, under the recommendation of Li Lianying, Prince Chun specially met Sheng Xuanhuai at his mansion in Taiping Lake in Xuanwumen, and asked him about telegrams.Sheng Xuanhuai had never met Prince Chun before, but he had a close relationship with Prince Chun's guest "Master Zhang". From him, he learned two things: ① Prince Chun is different from Prince Gong. Prince Gong believes that China should learn from the West. , Prince Chun does not think that Chinese are inferior to foreigners; ②Although Prince Chun is good at martial arts, he thinks he has read a lot and is quite literary.After Sheng Xuanhuai learned about the situation, he went to Weng Tongsu, Minister of the Ministry of Industry, who was the emperor's teacher, to copy some manuscripts of Prince Chun's poems, and recited several poems by heart, in case of "contingencies".In addition, Sheng Xuanhuai also realized some of Prince Chun's thoughts from Prince Chun's poems, after all, "writing is like a person".With a plan in mind, Sheng Xuanhuai came to meet Chun Qingong.When they talked about the term telegram, Prince Chun asked, "What is the telegram?"

Sheng Xuanhuai replied: "Go back to the words of the lord. The telegram itself is nothing special, it all depends on its flexible use. The so-called 'the magic of using it is in one mind', that's all." Prince Jin couldn't help but look at him differently when he heard that he could quote Yue Wumu's words. Asked: "Have you also read military books?" "In front of the prince, how dare you say that you have read military books? However, the British and French criminals, Emperor Wen Zongxian went north hunting, worried about the country and the people, and died. If it weren't for the prince's martial arts at that time, the situation would have been unimaginable. "Sheng Xuanhuai paused for a moment and then said: "At that time, no one with flesh and blood wanted to wash away the national humiliation. It was at that time that Xuanhuai read one or two military books."

Sheng Xuanhuai is really inseparable from Prince Chun's "professional practice".Prince Jin is Sheng Xuanhuai's superior, and his interview is related to Sheng Xuanhuai's future and destiny. Therefore, Sheng Xuanhuai spent a lot of time inquiring about Prince Jin's situation. less confidence.During the visit, Sheng Xuanhuai said a word to Prince Jin's heart, which made him feel that this person was very suitable for him, so he quickly entrusted him with important tasks.Sheng Xuanhuai's precautions helped him. In the process of contacting strangers, we can also praise each other or introduce ourselves sincerely and humbly, so as to move each other with sincerity and shorten the emotional and spiritual distance as much as possible. The other party will naturally be willing to work for you or help you facilitate something.

There was an official in the capital of the Qing Dynasty who was especially good at praising people.Once I went out to be an official for various reasons. Before leaving, I went to say goodbye to my teacher.The teacher warned: "It's not easy to be an official outside, and you must be careful in everything." The official said confidently: "I have prepared a hundred top hats, and I will give one to everyone. There should be no unpleasant things. What happened." The teacher heard this, and said angrily: "My generation is upright and upright, why do that!" The official hurriedly said: "How many people in the world are there who don't like to wear a high hat like Teacher?" The teacher nodded Said: "Your words are not unreasonable." The official bid farewell to the teacher, went out and said to others: "I prepared a hundred tall hats, but now only ninety-nine are left."

It's just a joke, but it has a deep meaning.In addition to the wit of the flatterer, it also contains the truth that people cannot refuse compliments.Therefore, to build good relationships and make something successful, proper compliments are essential.Each of us wants to be admired by others. In fact, we spend a lot of energy hoping to be appreciated by others, but there are not many people around who fully understand what we say and do, and we rarely comment. The things we like to say and do that happen around us.This is really surprising, because it is very easy to show appreciation and it costs nothing, but the rewards you get after complimenting others are many.

Everyone likes to be complimented.A famous social activist in the United States once put forward a principle: "Give people a good reputation." If you can satisfy others' sense of recognition and honor with sincere respect and sincere praise, then others may become more respectable. Cheerier, more understanding, more cooperative. We often encounter situations like this in life, the same thing, people of the same status, when A asks someone to handle it, it goes smoothly and the matter is done properly, but when B asks someone to handle it, it is very difficult and the matter is messed up .Why?Some people say it's a human factor; some say it's a matter of handling skills.In fact, neither of these two factors can be ruled out. Asking people to do things is a very important part of socializing.It synthesizes a person's overall quality, and contains many arts of being a person and doing things, and there are many exquisite things in it.

Be polite.When asking others to do something, no matter the big or small things, you must pay attention to the word "please", and don't take it as something that others "take for granted".If you say "Hello" to someone and say "Hello" when you say "Hello" silently, you will hit a wall.In addition, expressing gratitude to others for their help should be sincere.If you ask a friend to help you find a book you've wanted, say something like, "Thanks, I wouldn't have gotten to it so soon without your help." Pay attention to the way.If it is not urgent, it is best to ask when others are happy or free; when others are in a bad mood or busy with affairs, it is best not to disturb others, because the effect of the request at this time may be counterproductive.In addition, in terms of the way of request, you should speak tactfully, give the other party enough time, and don't rush too hard, so as not to make the other party in a dilemma.

Pay attention to the occasion.Asking others to help solve certain problems should be based on the nature of the problem. Those who should visit at home should not go to the other party’s unit to inquire; those who should talk to individuals should not affect their family members; those who should ask for advice by letter should not contact by phone. Try to be considerate of the difficulties of the other party, especially if you have helped the other party in the past, let alone put psychological pressure on the other party intentionally or unintentionally, so as not to make the other party feel embarrassed and embarrassing, and affect the enthusiasm for helping you.

Pay attention to principles.When you ask others to help solve certain problems, it may be normal for you, but for others, it may be suspected of "opening the back door" due to the nature of the work and the different departments.In this case, it is necessary to fully consider and master the principle of asking for help, so as not to increase the burden on others, affect the normal work of others, and cause adverse consequences. Be careful with sincerity.When asking for help from others, you must truthfully explain the purpose of the matter to the other party. You cannot deliberately reduce the difficulty of the matter, let alone cover up the true face of the matter so that the other party only knows one thing and does not know the other.This is a sign of distrust of friends and dishonesty in oneself.

Through the attitude and posture shown by the opponent, understand his psychology, effectively capture the various information he sends, analyze and study, and then prescribe the right medicine, which can achieve twice the result with half the effort. For example, if the other party hugs their arms, it means that they are thinking about a problem; if they hold their heads, they are unable to do anything; A handkerchief means that she has something in her heart, but she doesn't know where to start; a truly confident and powerful person will lean forward and listen to others' speech humbly; It may be a sign of a relaxed mood.

Of course, the understanding of the entrusted object should not be limited to silent observation, but also active reconnaissance, using certain reconnaissance countermeasures to stimulate the other party's emotions, so as to be able to quickly and accurately grasp the other party's thoughts and dynamics, so as to follow the flow of thought to boot. The following aspects should be considered when talking or asking for different clients. age difference.It is advisable to use provocative language for young people; for middle-aged people, you should explain your interests for their consideration; gender differences.Men need to use stronger persuasive language; women can be softer. regional difference.People living in different regions should use different methods of persuasion.For example, for northerners in our country, you can adopt a rough attitude; for southerners, you should be more delicate. personality differences.If the other party has a bold personality, you can go straight to the point; if the other party is gentle, you have to "work slowly and meticulously"; career differences.Use a language that is closely related to the professional knowledge of the other party to talk to it, and the other party's sense of trust in you will be greatly enhanced. cultural difference.Generally speaking, the method used for people with low education level should be simple and clear, using more specific figures and examples; for people with high education level, abstract reasoning methods can be used. Interest differences.Anyone who has hobbies, when you talk about his hobbies, the other party will be very interested.At the same time, they will have a good impression of you invisibly, laying a good foundation for your success in doing things. Some people are too thin-skinned and have too much self-esteem to survive the first rejection.Whenever their progress is blocked, they blush, feel humiliated and annoyed, either quarrel with others, or walk away without looking back. It seems that this kind of person has a bit of "backbone", but in fact it is an overly fragile self-esteem, which causes them to only care about face and do not want to do everything possible to achieve their goals, which is not beneficial to their careers. Therefore, when we ask for help, we must have self-esteem, but not excessive self-esteem.In order to achieve the purpose of communication, sometimes you might as well have a thicker skin. When you hit a nail, your face will not blush, your heart will not beat, and you will not be angry or annoyed. "Soft and hard foam" is a special technique of asking for help.It can strive for positive effects in a negative form. It can show your determination and perseverance not to give up until you reach your goal, put pressure on the other party, and increase the chance of contact, more fully express your attitude, thoughts and feelings, so as to influence the other party. attitude, to achieve the success of asking for help.This tactic seems simple, but the knowledge inside is not small, mainly in the following aspects. First, enough patience is the premise and foundation of "soft grinding hard foam".When communication is hindered and there is an impasse, people's immediate reaction is usually to be irritable, frustrated, annoyed or even angry, but this does not help the resolution of the matter.You should control yourself rationally and adopt a patient attitude. On the one hand, what patience expresses is the understanding of the other party's situation, the expectation of the turning point and the confidence in the success of seeking someone.With this state of mind, you can put yourself in a strong position mentally, be able to stay in place, mobilize all your ingenuity, and find ways to break through the deadlock.Even if it takes a certain amount of time. On the other hand, "soft grinding and hard foam" consumes time, and time is just a weapon.Time is precious to everyone, and what people can't afford to waste the most is time.Therefore, if you have enough patience and put on a posture of "fighting a protracted war" against the opponent, you will be able to shock the opponent's psychology.Using "bubble" versus "drag" is enough to urge him to change his original intention and speed up his work.Therefore, you have to calm down and sacrifice a little time patiently, but you can buy more time. Second, "soft grinding and hard foaming" must not only be able to "bubble", but also be able to "bubble".In other words, "foaming" is not about wasting time negatively, nor is it about trying to play rogue with others, but about being good at taking positive actions to influence and influence the other party, so as to promote the transformation of the situation for the better. As the saying goes: "People's hearts are made of meat." No matter how big the gap in understanding between the two parties is, as long as you are good at proving your sincerity with actions, you will prompt the other party to think, and then understand your painstaking efforts, and jump out of the stubborn box Come out, and then you will "bubble" hope out. Third, in the "soft grinding and hard foaming", it is necessary to speak cleverly at the right time.Sometimes when you go to ask someone, the other person pushes you away. It’s not because you don’t want to do it, but because you have practical difficulties or doubts.At this time, if you only rely on actions to "bubble", it will be difficult to be effective, and you will even "bubble" the other party and get annoying, which is not conducive to doing things. In this case, the skill of the mouth is very important.Be empathetic, grasp the crux of the problem, and use language skillfully to attack the mind.Words are the key to the heart.When you get your words to the point, you knock on the door of the other person's heart.Then your "soft grinding hard foam" will really play a role. If people who meet for the first time can understand and use each other's interests and hobbies carefully, the distance between the two parties can be shortened, and the favorability of the other party can be deepened.For example, talk about health and longevity with middle-aged and elderly people, talk about children, weight loss, and pets that everyone likes with young women. Even people who don't know themselves well can talk about news, books, etc. Topics. The famous writer Ding Maffei once said: "Try not to say far-reaching and novel words, but start the topic with the trivial things around you, which is the key to the success of interpersonal relationships." Blindly use staggering and surprising words, It is easy to make people feel flashy and sharp.Most of the people who are loved and trusted are not those who are brilliant and win the love of others with amazing words.Especially for a beginner, it is best not to deliberately show your prominence, rather let the other party think you are a kind and ordinary person.Because you can't be on the same basis with others at the beginning, it is difficult for the other party to have a good impression of you.If you act like you are superior, others will treat you the same way. Meeting someone for the first time is an important time for building a good relationship.In such occasions, the other party is often unable to calmly listen to opinions, suggestions and make judgments, and is prone to resentment.At the same time, people who meet for the first time are sometimes afraid that others will ask subtle questions to deny their point of view.Therefore, when you meet for the first time, you should try to avoid the behavior of denying the other party. Only in this way can a close interpersonal relationship be formed.Of course, this does not prevent you from raising contrary opinions.You should try to avoid raising it in front of him as much as possible, or you can borrow the views of ordinary people and quote the views of a third party who was not there at the time, so that it will not cause reflexive rebuttals from the other party, and can also make the other party accept and treat you Make a good impression. In the occasion of meeting for the first time, if one party wants to end the topic, there will often be unconscious actions such as looking at the watch that are not easily noticed by the other party.Therefore, when you see the other person in the conversation suddenly looking anxiously at the watch, or looking at the sky and asking what time it is, you should end the conversation as soon as possible to let the other person know that you are not a mindless person.If you know and respect his ideas, you will surely leave a good impression on the other party. Psychologists believe that people are such animals that they are often dissatisfied with their status quo, but they cannot change it, so they can only hold a fantasy image or hope in expectation. In interpersonal communication, they very much hope that others will evaluate themselves well.For example: fat people want to look thinner; old people want to look younger; people who are eager to be promoted look forward to the day when it will be achieved. There is something smug about anyone.However, no matter how proud and proud you are, if you don't ask others, you won't be interested in talking about it yourself.Therefore, if you can ask some questions just right, he will be pleased and open up to speak freely, and your relationship with him will also be harmonious. Be a loyal listener and reflect emotions in a timely manner, so that the other party can get rid of strangeness and tension, so as to discover their own strengths.In particular, it is necessary to play the role of laughter. Even if the joke the other party tells is not very funny, you should support it with laughter. The effect may surprise you.Because, when both parties laugh at the same time, an atmosphere like close friends will be created invisibly. Showing that you care about the other party will definitely win the other party's favor.When entertaining others or taking the initiative to invite others to meet, you should collect more or less information about the other party in advance.This is not only a kind of politeness, but also can satisfy the self-esteem of others and make others feel your sincerity and enthusiasm.Remembering what the other party said, and bringing it up as a topic later is also one of the ways to show concern.Especially interests, hobbies, dreams, etc., are the most important and interesting things for the other party. Once they are brought up as topics, the other party will definitely feel happy. No matter what you do, asking for the other party's opinion in advance is to respect the other party's performance.In dealing with a certain matter, the person with the highest status holds the right to choose at that time, and giving up the right to choose to the other party means respecting the other party.Moreover, no matter who you are, you want to be respected by others, and you will never be unhappy or impatient because of it. When you learn about the other party's birthday, write it down, and on that day, call to congratulate. Although it is only a phone call, the impression given to the other party is very strong.Especially the anniversaries that I often forget, once it is mentioned by others, the joy in my heart is indescribable. The ancients said: "Shoot a man first, shoot a horse." When giving a gift, it is better to choose a gift that his family likes than choosing a gift that the other party likes.Even if it is a small gift to the other party's wife, her attitude towards you will change, and the children who receive the gift will regard you as a close friend.You will have the welcome of his whole family. We are all used to calling people by their first names.Calling each other by first name and last name is to express the psychology of not wanting to be too intimate with others.Therefore, calling the other party's name directly can shorten the psychological distance and achieve unexpected results. In life, I often see some people who obviously come to ask for help, but in order to save their own face and maintain their personal reputation, when introducing the situation, they deliberately make big things small and difficult problems easy.Some even added a few high-sounding words such as "I can solve such a problem, but due to various objective reasons, I have to ask for your help." Such asking for help will not lead to good results.You should truthfully explain the current difficulties you are in and the actual situation that you are unable to solve, and sincerely ask for help. Do you like to argue with people, do you think that you can overwhelm the other party with your arguments, and you will get great benefits?Actually, you don't have to overwhelm the other person.Even if the other party succumbs on the surface, he will feel resentful in his heart.You get no benefit at all. Being argumentative can damage the self-esteem of others, who will resent you and lose some friends.Competitiveness is the characteristic of most people, and no one is willing to admit defeat, so all arguments are unnecessary.If you can always respect the opinions of others, your opinions will also be respected by others.In this way, what you advocate will be easily supported by others. You can realize your ideas, you can influence other people's plans, but you can't get it by arguing. Talking in a questioning tone is the easiest way to hurt feelings.Many disharmony between husband and wife, brothers, and colleagues are due to the fact that one party likes to talk to the other party in a questioning manner.Except in the case of a debate, questioning is unnecessary.If you feel that the other party's opinion is wrong, you might as well express your opinion immediately. Why do you have to ask the other party first to embarrass the other party?Some people like to use a questioning tone to correct the mistakes of others, which is enough to destroy the relationship between both parties.People who are questioned are often overwhelmed and their self-esteem takes a huge hit.Respecting others is a necessary condition for the art of conversation. It is of no benefit to others or yourself to make things difficult for the other party for a short time.You don't want others to damage your dignity, nor should you damage others' self-esteem. Never deliberately make things difficult for others.Some people just like to express that they disagree with others.This kind of person who deliberately expresses that he has a different view from others is as dishonest as a person who always echoes his voice.Eloquence is a way to help you deal with others. No one wants to be a person who is very eloquent but unpopular everywhere. Don't try to show off your eloquence by showing off your abilities and making people hate you.Eloquence must be expressed correctly and flexibly. Don't pretend to be an expert on things you don't know.Pretending to understand is a dishonest act of self-deception.Say as much as you know.No one is asking you to be an encyclopedia.Even a very learned person must know something.So there is no shame in being honest about your ignorance about certain things.On the contrary, others will think that your talk is worthy of consideration because you are not hypocritical or bragging. The inappropriate parts of the other party's conversation need to be corrected, but the appropriate parts must also be clearly praised.The other party is easily convinced by your fairness.When changing the other party's point of view, it is best to try to secretly transplant your own meaning to the other party, so that he feels that it is his own modification, not because of your criticism.For those irreparable mistakes, from the standpoint of a friend, you should give sincere corrections, rather than harsh questions, so that he will correct his mistakes. When correcting the other party, it is best to use the tone of asking for advice, and the tone of command is not effective.Pay attention to preserving or motivating the other person's self-esteem. Don't brag about your personal life to strangers.For example: your personal accomplishments, your wealth, or how great your son is.Don't use your friend's flaws and failures as fodder for conversation in public.Don't keep repeating the same topic, don't complain and complain everywhere.Complaining and whining is not a good way to win sympathy.