Chapter 15 Chapter 15 Rejecting Eloquence

When your colleague makes a request to you, he usually has some troubles or worries in his heart, worrying about whether you will refuse immediately, and whether you will show him face. Therefore, before you decide to refuse, you must first listen to what he has to say.A better way is to ask the other party to explain their situation and needs more clearly, so that you know how to help him.Then show him that you understand his difficulty, as you would if you were in the same situation. Listening can make the other person feel respected, and when you tactfully express your rejection position, it can also avoid his feeling of being hurt, or avoid making people feel that you are dealing with it.If your refusal is due to excessive workload, listening can allow you to clearly define whether the other party's request is your job and whether it is included in your current focus.Maybe after you listen carefully to his opinion, you will find that assisting him can help you improve your own work ability and experience.At this time, under the principle of doing a good job at the present job, sacrificing a little of your leisure time to assist the other party will be helpful to your career.

Another advantage of listening is that although you reject him, you can advise him on how to obtain an appropriate solution to his situation.If you can put forward effective suggestions or alternatives, the other party will also appreciate you, and even find more appropriate support under your guidance to achieve twice the result with half the effort. In addition to offering alternative suggestions when refusing, you also need to take the initiative to care about the other party's situation after a period of time.Sometimes rejection is a long process, and the other party will make the same request from time to time.If you can turn passive into active care for the other party, and let the other party understand your difficulties and position, you can reduce the embarrassment and impact of rejection.Rejection requires not only skill, but also patience and care from the heart.If it's just perfunctory, the other party can actually see it.This can make people think that you are not a sincere person, which can be very harmful to relationships.

In short, as long as you say "no" sincerely, the other party will definitely understand your difficulties. We can analyze that those who have difficulty saying "no" no matter how unreasonable demands are made by others are usually due to one or more of the following reasons. First of all, you lack confidence in your own judgment, and you don't know what you should do and what others should not expect you to do. Secondly, they are eager to please others, and worry that refusing others' requests will make people look down on themselves.There is also a lack of awareness of how much responsibility one's own abilities can take successfully.

The last is inferiority complex, and thus see others as "authoritative persons" who can control themselves. However, for whatever reason, those who are afraid to say "no" usually admit to being ruled by their feelings.Regardless of past experience, they never have a ready answer when asked. A girlfriend wants to date you.She asks you on the phone: "Go to the dance at twenty o'clock tonight, okay?" You can answer: "Make an appointment tomorrow, and I will call you then." Your colleague asks you to go fishing on Sunday. If you don’t want to go, you can answer like this: “Actually, I am a fishing enthusiast, but since I started a family, my wife confiscated Sunday! Let’s talk about it later.”

When someone asks: "Do you like Alain Delon?" You don't like it in your heart.At this time, you can not express your position, or just laugh it off, and others will understand. A friend you don't know very well invites you to a party and sends an invitation, but you don't have to reply.It itself shows that you are not willing to participate in such activities. You and a friend went to see a bad martial arts movie, and when they got out of the theater, the friend asked, "What did you think of this movie?" You can answer: "I prefer lyrical films." You have a fever but don't want to tell your friend lest he worry.The friend asked with concern: "Did you take your temperature?" You said: "It doesn't matter, the weather is not very good today."

When diplomats encounter questions they do not want to answer or are unwilling to answer, they always use one sentence to prevaricate: "No comment." In life, when we are temporarily unable to say "yes or no", we can also use this sentence talk.There are also some words that can be used as prevarication, such as: "God knows." "The truth will tell you." "Well...it's hard to say." and so on. You talk about national affairs with others.When someone asks, "Do you think prices are not growing fast?" you can answer, "So do you think prices are growing too slowly?"

Your lover asks, "Do you hate me?" You can answer, "Do you think I hate you?" A guest asks the hotel attendant to change his room.The waiter can say, "Sorry, that's up to the manager on duty. He's not available right now." You and your wife are out on the street, and your wife sees a beautiful dress and wants to buy it, so you can pat the bag and say, "Oops, I forgot my wallet." Someone wants to talk to you, you look at your watch: "I'm sorry, I have to attend a meeting, can you do it another day?" When someone gives you a gift and you can’t accept it, you can politely refuse: first, to say polite words; second, to express that you are flattered and afraid to accept it;

A writer wants to make friends with a professor.The writer enthusiastically said: "I invite you to dinner tonight, would you like to?" Unfortunately, the professor was busy preparing the lecture notes for the academic report, so he couldn't spare time.So he smiled affectionately and said apologetically, "I'm very honored for your invitation, but I'm busy preparing my speech and I can't get away. I'm very sorry!" His refusal was polite and pleasant, But it's so crisp. A salesman from a paper mill went to a certain unit to sell paper.The salesman found the familiar director of general affairs of this unit and begged him to place an order.The Director of General Affairs said politely: "I'm really sorry, our unit has signed a long-term purchase contract with a certain paper mill, and the unit stipulates that we will no longer buy paper from any other unit. I should also follow the regulations." Because the Director of General Affairs It is not just about this paper mill if it is about any unit.

When we are ashamed to say "no", please use the above methods appropriately.However, when dealing with major affairs, there must be no ambiguity, and you should clearly say "no".When a friend sincerely asks for help, you can't use the method of saying "no" to deal with it. You should do your best. If you really violate the principle and you can't do it in time, then say "no". If someone asks you, but you can’t accept it for various reasons, and it’s not good to just say "no" or "it can't be done", for fear of hurting the other person's self-esteem; if the other person puts forward some opinions and you disagree, You don’t want to say something against your will, and you don’t want to directly refute the other party; if you don’t understand the other party’s behavior, you want to reveal your inner truth, but you don’t want to express it too directly, so as not to irritate the other party. In social activities, we must learn to refuse subtly and tactfully in social activities, and say "no" according to different situations.

Outspokenness is a sign of trust in people and a sign of a close relationship with the other party.But in most cases, the blunt speech cannot receive the expected effect due to the harshness of the ears.In this case, when you want to refuse, stop or oppose certain requests and behaviors of the other party, you can use the excuse of non-personal reasons as an excuse to refuse, so that the other party can easily accept it.For example: A salesman from a newspaper comes to the door and asks you to subscribe to the newspaper they publish, but you don't want to subscribe.You can politely say: "Thank you. Your service is very thoughtful, but my family has already subscribed to other newspapers, please understand."

Stand up for your rights when others violate them, insist on what you need without getting angry, impatient or shouting, and learn to express your feelings effectively and repeatedly in a conflict situation Opinion.For example: You go to the store to buy something, because there are many people shopping, the salesperson gives you ten yuan less change.You complained to the salesperson that the salesperson had caused a dispute because he couldn't remember clearly.This is the time to tell in a calm, repetitive voice how you were underpaid until the problem is resolved.The following conversation between a clerk and a buyer is a good example. Buyer: Miss, give me ten yuan less change. Clerk: No way, we always pay with one hand and pay with the other. Buyer: I'm sure you always do this, but you did give me ten dollars less in change. Clerk: Do you have an invoice? Buyer: Yes (takes out the invoice), you see, there is a difference of ten yuan. Clerk: (looking at the invoice) What you bought here are two pairs of children's boots. Buyer: That’s right, if you do the math, it’s ten yuan short. Clerk: Have you checked your pocket?Did you fall somewhere? Buyer: No, I didn't move the place.I have no more money in my pocket. Clerk: We can't pay now, we will pay when the store is about to close, can you come over? Buyer: Well, I'm sure you will find it. If for some reason you are unwilling or inconvenient to tell the other party your true thoughts, you can use vague language to deal with it.For example: In the hospital, a patient with a serious illness asked the doctor: "Is my illness serious, and is there any hope of recovery?" The doctor replied: "Your illness is indeed serious, but after treatment, you can rest assured. Take care of your illness, and you will get better slowly." "It will get better slowly" here is vague language.It is unclear how long this "slowly" is, but it is a great comfort to the patient to give the patient hope. Make it clear that you want to meet the other party's request and express sympathy, but in fact you have more than enough energy to do so. Ask the other party to understand instead of directly refusing.This can also receive good results.For example: the customer requires the company to come to repair the product on the same day, because the agreement is within three working days, it cannot be satisfied, but the customer's request cannot be directly rejected.When answering, you should show sympathy and say enthusiastically: "It is our responsibility to meet the requirements of customers, but due to the current work arrangement procedures, we cannot repair on the same day. We are creating conditions, please wait patiently." Give evasive answers to the questions raised by the other party, instead of directly denying the unsatisfactory questions raised by the other party.For example, your classmate asks you: "The novel of XX is very good, what do you think?" You can answer like this: "It's okay, but I prefer a certain novel by XX author." The wife said: "Shall we go to the theater today?" If you don't want to go, you can say: "How about going to the movies?" This kind of answer will not arouse the other party's disgust, and the other party may agree with you. In social life, we often encounter unreasonable requests from some people. If we want to say "no" without offending others, it is indeed a difficult task, even a luxury.Therefore, in the face of some people's unreasonable troubles, especially in the face of the bad habits of the times, we must take a clear stand, categorically reject them, and boldly say "no". I remember that Mr. Qian Zhongshu once rejected all the popular birthday celebrations, commemorative meetings and some so-called academic seminars, and unceremoniously said seven "no"s in succession: "Don't spend money that is unclear. , find some dubious people, and say something that doesn't hurt." Old Master Qian will never be vulgar, and he will refuse when he should, and will never show mercy. A woman once said to Lincoln: "Mr. President, you must give me a commission to appoint my son as a colonel." Lincoln looked at her.The woman continued: "I am not asking for mercy, but I have the right to do so. Because my grandfather fought in Lexington, and my uncle was the only soldier who did not flee at the Battle of Brassburg. , my father fought in New Orleans, and my husband died in Monterey." After listening carefully, Lincoln said: "Madam, I think your family has done enough to serve the country, and now it's time to give this opportunity to others." The lady's intention was to implore Lincoln to honor his son with a title for his family's merits.Of course Lincoln understood what the other party meant, but he pretended to be confused.A well-timed rejection benefits both yourself and others.In management, as a leader, it is impossible for you to meet the requirements of the other party in everything and under all circumstances.Some people often fail to say "no" when they should say "no", and end up hurting themselves and others, and ruining relationships. Some people say that if you want to really understand a person, please pay attention to the way he rejects others, this is the whole of a person. "No" not only reflects a person's temperament, but also interprets the standard of a person's life. It is a state to boldly say "no" when it is time to say no. The most difficult thing about saying "no" to people is not being able to find a credible and reasonable excuse when it is inconvenient to tell the real reason. So, might as well use your brains on others.A contented housewife professes that the reason her life is so peaceful is because she deftly says no to certain troubles. For example, when a salesman knocked on her door, she was polite but firm: "Thank you for your kindness, but my husband won't let me buy anything in front of the house. Not because I don't want to pay." The salesman didn't resent her for not buying his stuff, and at the same time felt that it was useless to say anything, because the problem was not her but the husband he hadn't met.So, he had to give up. When someone sincerely asks for your help, you should give it as much help as you can.But when you encounter something that is really powerless and you cannot help the other party, don't rush to say "no", and don't make the other party feel that you have no sincerity to help him solve the difficulty, otherwise, you will be a bad person in the eyes of others. Selfish and lacking compassion.Xiao Li of the insurance company is in charge of coordinating customers' claims for compensation. Xiao Li's work determines that he will often refuse customers' claims.However, he was always sympathetic to the client's request, explaining that while he morally agreed to the request, he simply had more than he could do.Because of his refusal to obtain the Fa, Xiao Li did a great job.Similarly, when someone asks you and you can do nothing, don't refuse him first, but listen to his statement patiently, express sympathy for his plight, and even give him some suggestions, and finally tell him that you If you really can't help him, the other party will never be angry because of it, but will be moved by your sincerity. Inducing the other party means that when someone makes an unreasonable request to you, don't simply refuse, but let him understand how inappropriate his request is, so that he can voluntarily give up.One high-performing interior designer claimed that he never said outright "no" to his users' unrealistic assumptions, but instead tried to get them to agree to what he wanted them to do. When a woman wanted to use an inappropriate floral fabric for curtains, the designer suggested: "You've really given us a new way of thinking, but let's see what you want the curtain arrangement to look like. Then, he talked about what kind of fabric to make curtains to achieve the best harmony with modern decoration, and soon, the woman forgot her floral fabric. This is especially important for those in certain leadership positions.For example, after your subordinate's request to you is rejected by you, you might as well tell your subordinate the direction of his efforts so that he can see hope.Compared with this, your rejection seems insignificant, and it will not hurt his self-esteem, nor will it hurt the relationship between you and your subordinates. The author of the book "Successful Interpersonal Relationships", Dr. William Reilly from the United States, when talking about how to deal with the situation that his subordinates want to be promoted but his own conditions are not enough, once suggested that the business executives say: "Yes, George , I understand your desire to be promoted. However, in order to be promoted, you must first make yourself more important to the company. Now, let's see what we can do more about it..." An enthusiastic older woman decides to befriend her young female neighbor.She sent out an invitation: "Cindy, can you come to my house to play tomorrow morning, okay?" With a gentle and generous smile on Cindy's face, she said, "Thank you, but I can't! I have work to do tomorrow." Her refusal was friendly and tender, but so firm that the old woman refrained.Therefore, when you cannot meet someone's request, respond quickly, decline him kindly and sincerely, and leave no room for maneuver. There is a short story in the Afghan folk tale entitled "The Prudent Wise Man". One day, the pasha called the wise man and said to him, "Your wisdom, wise man, is known to all. I appoint you as the judge of this city." Not interested in the job, the wise man replied, "Great Pasha, I am not qualified for this job." Pasha asked, "Why?" The wise man replied: "If I am telling the truth, I should not be appointed as a judge; if I am lying, should a liar be appointed as a judge?" This prudent wise man actually did not want to be the judge of the city.He said "I am not qualified for this position", whether he is modest or not, his logical judgment shows that he cannot be a judge; if he is lying, then a liar cannot be a judge.So, coerced from both sides, came to the conclusion of "I can't be", and easily declined Pasha's invitation. In daily communication activities, especially in the workplace, you must often encounter such a problem: a colleague suddenly asks you to help him with a very difficult job.Agree, it may take several consecutive nights of overtime to complete, and this is not in line with the company's regulations; refuse, it is really embarrassing, after all, we have been colleagues for many years.How should I find a reason that will not offend my colleagues and can push this work out smoothly? Some people will directly say to colleagues: "No, just not!" This is definitely not the best choice, and it may make you and your colleagues not even have to be friends in the future.Some people will evade and say: "I am not capable enough, but Xiao A is more suitable." Have you ever thought about how a colleague will react when your colleagues tell you what you said to Xiao A?Some people will say embarrassedly: "I'm really too busy." The reason is good, but you can only use it once, and when you use it for the second time, you must face suspicious eyes from your colleagues.These do not seem to be the best reasons for refusal, so how to tactfully reject unreasonable requests in the office?Here are some methods. When you've listened carefully to a co-worker's request and believe you should say no, saying "no" has to be gentle but firm.It's like a pill, but the sugar-coated medicine is easier for people to swallow.In the same way, it is easier to accept a tactful rejection than a direct "no".For example, when the request of the other party is not in line with the company or department regulations, you have to express your work authority tactfully, and imply that if he does this favor himself, it will exceed the scope of his work and violate the company's relevant regulations.On the premise that his work is already full and he can't help, let him know the order of his work, and imply that if he helps him, it will delay his ongoing work and have a greater adverse impact on the company and himself .Generally speaking, when colleagues hear you say this, they will definitely not force you anymore, and instead think of other ways. Former U.S. President Taft once told such a story that happened around him: a woman living in Washington, her husband had some political power.She asked me to place a position for her son.She kept making pleas to me, and asked several members of both Houses to speak for her.However, what she asked for her son was a position as the secretary to the president who would consult on the deliberations of both houses.This position can only be filled by people with certain professional knowledge.Her son really couldn't take on this position, so I sent another person to take over.She was greatly disappointed by this, and immediately wrote me a letter saying that I was unsophisticated, and that she had tried to persuade the representatives of a certain state to endorse some important bill I proposed.She helped me in this way, and I only need to raise my hand to fulfill her wish! When I received her letter, I put the letter on hold for two days, then took it out and wrote a reply calmly.I expressed sympathy for her, saying that as a mother, I am very disappointed when I encounter such a thing.Besides, I can't completely decide on the employment of people. Because of technical talents, I can only listen to the recommendation of the department leader. Finally, I said that her son can do a good job in the current position.This letter finally calmed her down, and she gave me another short letter afterwards, explaining that she should be sorry for what she said in the previous letter. The person I had appointed did not immediately take over, so a few days later I received another letter signed by her husband, but in exactly the same handwriting as the previous letter.The letter stated that his wife became ill because of his son's position. The doctor diagnosed it as a serious stomach problem.If her health is to be restored, it is best to withdraw the man previously appointed and replace her with her son. So I wrote back another letter to her husband.The letter said that I hope the doctor's diagnosis is wrong, and at the same time, I sympathize with him for his wife's illness.As for the withdrawal of the person appointed last time, that would be changed every day, and it is actually impossible. Not long after this, the person I appointed arrived.Two days later, I held a concert in the White House. The first couple of guests were the woman and her husband. In the above example, Taft refused three times in a row, and each time he refused, he gave the woman a lot of sympathy and understanding for other topics, so after the incident, they can still maintain good or even better. good relationship.This was undoubtedly due to Taft's appropriate handling of the matter and his concise but affectionate refusal.Therefore, when we reject something socially, don't say a lot of reasons for the rejection.Some things are not good, but it is not good. It is the best policy to state the reason concisely and then refuse it with affection. You need to be tactful when you speak, and even more so when you say "no", otherwise the word "no" will add a lot of trouble to your life. There was a musician who was invited by an acquaintance to work in a nightclub band.The musician thought the salary was low and planned to refuse it immediately.But remembering that he had been taken care of by the other party in the past, it was inconvenient to refuse categorically, so he made a plan, first made some jokes, and then said solemnly: "If you can make the nightclub business flourish, even if you sacrifice your life, I will not hesitate." At this moment, the owner of the nightclub still had a smiling face, and the musician seized the opportunity to straighten his face and said, "What do you think is funny? I know you are laughing at me. You look down on me and don't respect me. There is no need to mention this agreement. Goodbye!" So the musician pretended to be angry, turned around and left.The boss didn't know how to treat him. Although he regretted it, it was too late. In life, when facing someone you don't like, you should knock him unexpectedly so as to repel him.If there is no opportunity, you might as well refer to the above example to create an opportunity, first make the other party happy, and then find an excuse to quit in time when the other party lacks psychological preparation and is still smiling, so as to achieve the purpose of rejection. Japanese psychologist Tako Hui once told such a thing: During the student movement in Japan in the late 1960s, when a class was being held in the classroom of a certain university, a group of student movement activists broke in and made the students who were in class The professor was at a loss.In front of the students in the class, the professor wanted to show a little tolerance and understanding demeanor, so he decided to listen to what the students had to say before trying to persuade them.The result was completely contrary to his good intentions. The students took advantage of the momentum to ask him many questions, messed up the class, and never attended a class again.And after that, as long as he was in class, radical students would appear in class, and the noise continued for a year. From this lesson, the professor realized a rule, that is, if you have no intention of accepting the other party, it is best not to try to persuade him, and you should stop him as soon as the other party speaks: "You are hindering the teaching, get out of the classroom quickly, and talk to the classroom." Irrelevant things, let’s talk about them after class!” If you don’t listen to the students’ questions at all, and stop talking at the beginning, at least you won’t give the other party an opportunity to take advantage of, and you won’t be able to get a good grade for a year class! A young man named Kim Rokuro visited Soichiro Honda and wanted to sell him a piece of real estate.Honda Soichiro listened to Jin Rokuro's speech very seriously, but did not speak for the time being.After listening to Jinrokuro's statement, Soichiro Honda did not give a direct answer of "buy" or "don't buy".Instead, he picked up something similar to fiber on the table and showed it to Jin Liulang, and said, "Do you know what this is?" "I don't know." Jin Liulang replied. "This is a newly discovered material. I want to use it to make the shell of Honda Soichiro's car." Soichiro Honda explained it to Jin Rokuro in detail for fifteen minutes.He talked about the origin and benefits of this new type of car manufacturing material, and also sincerely talked about what kind of new design he planned for next year's car.These contents made Jin Rokuro puzzled, but he felt very happy. When Soichiro Honda sent Kinrokuro away, he just said by the way that he didn't want to buy his piece of land. If Soichiro Honda had told Jinrokuro his thoughts from the beginning, Jinrokuro would have asked about it and tried his best to persuade Soichiro Honda to buy the land.This is the reason why Soichiro Honda didn't say it directly, and he didn't want to argue with Jin Rokuro about it. When rejecting a proposal, it is best to use an abstract statement that does not touch on the specific content of the topic.This is the strategy of Soichiro Honda in the above example. When rejecting others, if you speak weakly or even hum and babble for a long time, people will easily develop a kind of disgust, thinking that you can’t help him, but you don’t want to help him at all, because generally speaking, only people with a guilty conscience will So hesitant. If you refuse others, you should seriously state the reasons. Whether you express regret or helplessness afterwards, others are not happy, but you can’t make false accusations for your rejection. "Next time next time" and "definitely" are somewhat hypocritical. According to the research of psychologists, "touching" is easy to produce common feelings, so when you want to say "no", you should avoid it. It is easier to say "no" and say "no" better if you give people an attitude of "respect and stay away". .Generally speaking, people who can remember other people's names once they meet are often easy to get close to others. Therefore, calling other people's names repeatedly in conversation, and dubbing them "brother", "Mr.", etc., can often produce a sense of intimacy. .Then, when you want to say "no" conversely, you should put an end to this kind of intimacy and never mention the other party's name.This increases the psychological distance with the other party, and it is easy to say "no". Also try to stay away from the other party when talking, so that it is not easy to use touchy intimate actions such as clapping and pulling.In addition, it is best not to touch the things the other party handed out.Things are like people, once "touched" they will produce "intimacy", and it is not easy to refuse. Some people don't want to say "no" directly, so they just find some reasons that are not worth refuting to temporarily prevaricate the other party in order to get a temporary relief.This method is not good, because the other party can still find reasons to pester you until you agree. For example, if you don’t want to agree to do something for someone, and you push, “I don’t have time today.” He will say, “It’s okay, you can help me do it tomorrow, and I will leave the matter to you.” A piece of clothing is given to you, and you say: "the money is not enough." Then the other party will say: "we can talk about it when the money is enough." You can easily deal with it.Or if you don't want to dance with the other party, and you say: "I can't dance well." Then he will definitely say: "It's okay, I will dance with you slowly." Because these are small lies, once refuted, You must be flustered, and the will to "no" will be difficult to implement.So to deal with this situation, you might as well tell the other party directly and clearly with a simpler reason: "This matter you entrusted can't be done, please forgive me." "I don't like the color of this dress, I'm sorry. ""I have already made an appointment with another dance partner, I can't dance with you, I'm sorry." And so on.Although this seems a little blunt, the reason is simple and clear, and it will not give the other party an opportunity, but it can avoid future troubles.