Chapter 21 Six years later, those beautiful eyes are still bright

In early spring and January of 1978, it was rainy in Shanghai. Inside the familiar green iron gate on Wukang Road, the magnolia tree is still swaying its dense leaf canopy in the warm and cold breeze.The drizzle was like hemp, blowing against the tin roof of this small Italian-style building. Ba Jin is about to go abroad.He will lead a delegation to fly to distant Europe.Before going abroad, he decided to write something for his wife Xiao Shan who had been dead for six years.This idea arose in his heart shortly after Xiao Shan passed away, and with the passage of time, this strong desire to write from the heart has not weakened in the slightest, but has become more and more with the change of Ba Jin's situation. strong.

Ba Jin felt the biggest regret in his heart now, that Xiao Shan left too early and too hastily.She failed to stay and spend the sunny and spring after the haze with him.The magnolia tree outside the building window is about to bloom with snow-white buds again. If Xiao Shan is still there, she will definitely like to go to the yard alone to smell the fragrance of the buds in this warm season.But now she can no longer share the bright spring with herself.In the light spring day, Ba Jin could only sit quietly in the bedroom on the second floor, quietly looking at the small urn on the chest of drawers with melancholy eyes in a daze.

He knew that the box contained the love in his heart—the ashes of his late wife Xiao Shan! Don't want to look at this small urn, it has almost become the spiritual sustenance in Ba Jin's heart in recent years.After Xiao Shan died of illness, her ashes were placed in the Longhua Funeral Parlor at No. 210 Caoxi Road, Shanghai in the first few years.In that huge columbarium, there was once an immortal memory of Ba Jin in his later years.He will never forget the 8th row of the sixth room on the second floor of the columbarium, where his beautiful wife Xiao Shan is placed in the 4th cell of No. 417!

Nothing is more familiar to Ba Jin than there.There were traces of the old man's footsteps in the empty columbarium.Ba Jin remembered that in the first few years after his wife's death, whenever he was in a bad mood, he would go there alone.Facing Xiao Shan's urn, he could quietly confide in his heart.In Ba Jin's mind, it seemed that she never died. It was because of some unexpected reason that Xiao Shan had to stay quietly on the columbarium of Longhua funeral parlor.It is precisely because of this idea that Ba Jin can go to Longhua to see her from time to time. In the summer of 1975, Ba Jin suddenly made a bold decision: take Xiao Shan's ashes home!It's not that the old man can't bear the boundless loneliness of the small building, but he always misses Xiao Shan deeply in his heart.In Ba Jin's heart, she will never die. Since Xiao Shan's soul is still alive, why let her stay alone in Longhua's columbarium?It was a sunny morning. Accompanied by his daughter, son-in-law and Xiaotang, Ba Jin came to the place where Xiao Shan's ashes were kept --- the second floor of Longhua Funeral Home.Finally, everyone solemnly took Xiao Shan, who had been away from home for more than three years, back to No. 13 Wukang Road!

After all, this is Xiao Shan's home! The situation at that time was still very unsatisfactory. Since the seal upstairs had not been removed, Ba Jin had no choice but to put Xiao Shan's urn in the large living room downstairs.The three downstairs rooms are where their whole family lives. The living room where Ba Jin used to receive guests has now become the old man's study and bedroom.Put Xiao Shan's ashes in front of the old man's bed, so he can see her often.Two years later, the seal of the upstairs room was finally opened, so Ba Jin moved Xiao Shan's urn upstairs together with his own books and manuscripts.That chest of drawers became the place where Xiao Shan's ashes were kept.

Now, outside the window is the boundless night, and several relatives downstairs have fallen asleep. Ba Jin sits quietly in front of the desk alone, with the dim light reflecting his weather-beaten face.He knew he was no longer in the post-1966 situation.In another month, he and his daughter will fly to the capital Beijing with a delegation, and then fly to Paris from there.On the banks of the Seine, Ba Jin will relive his old dreams, while his beloved wife Xiao Shan stays at home alone. Ba Jin feels extremely sad when he thinks about it. "Today is the sixth anniversary of Xiao Shan's death. The scene six years ago is still very vivid in front of my eyes. I returned home from the crematorium that day, and everything was in chaos. After two or three days, I gradually The land became quiet, sitting alone at the desk, wanting to write an article commemorating her. I have such a habit fifty years ago, when I have nowhere to express my feelings, I often turn to pen and paper. But, During those few days in August 1972, I sat for three or four hours every day, looking at the manuscript paper spread out in front of me, but couldn’t write a word. I thought painfully, could it be that I had been locked up in the cowshed for several years, Really turned into a cow? It seemed that a big stone was pressed on my head, and my thoughts seemed to be frozen. I simply put down my pen and didn’t write anything.” Why did Ba Jin have to be so busy in the first month of the new year when it was warm and cold? Writing a manuscript for the sixth anniversary of his wife?Only his own heart is clear.It is not the "Capricious Thoughts" column developed on Hong Kong's "Ta Kung Pao", which must publish a manuscript commemorating Xiao Shan in February. Ba Jin knows that his "Capricious Thoughts" is called "Capricious Thoughts", which means that Ba Jin can read it anytime, anywhere. When you think of something, you can record your truest emotions.

Now, on the eve of his upcoming visit to France, Ba Jin cannot but miss his dead wife in his heart.If Xiao Shan is not dead now, then he will definitely take her to fly to France that he has described to her many times in his youth.It is undoubtedly a beautiful country.The rivers there, the mountains and rivers there, and the cities there all have a place in Ba Jin's heart.This is because when he was 23 years old, Paris and other cities in France gave him a strong desire to create.In the following decades, Ba Jin's writing, in retrospect, started from that strange country.So Ba Jin couldn't forget it.

And Xiao Shan is a woman who yearns for the Seine River just like Ba Jin. When she was alive, because she heard a lot from Ba Jin, Xiao Shan always hoped that one day she could go to that beautiful world with her husband.Even if they travel at their own expense, in short, Ba Jin is very nostalgic when he reaches the twilight years of his life.And Paris is a special starting point for him to reflect on his own life.What a wonderful thing it would be to fly to Paris with Xiao Shan!However, the sky does not follow people's wishes, and she is long gone. "Six years have passed. Lin Biao, the 'Gang of Four' and their minions did make me very embarrassed, but I survived, and I lived a relatively healthy life. My mind is not confused, and sometimes I can write one or two articles Article. Recently I have often been to the crematorium, to attend the ashes of old friends. In the hall, I think of many things. The same mourning music is played, but my thoughts go from a hall full of people to only twenty or thirty I went to my personal atrium. We were crying farewell to Xiao Shan’s body. I remembered a sentence Juexin said in it: "It seems that Rui Jue is also an ominous ghost when he dies." Forty-seven When I wrote this sentence years ago, how could I have imagined that I was writing about myself! I didn’t shed tears, but I felt that there were countless sharp nails scratching my heart. I stood beside the dead body, looking at the pale I gritted my teeth and called out the name of the dead in my heart. I thought, I am thirteen years older than her, why not let me die first? I thought, how is this unfair!……"

At this point in Ba Jin's writing, he suddenly couldn't hold it anymore, tears flowed quietly down his deep nasal groove, and then the cloudy tears continued to flow down his wrinkled cheeks, dripping silently at some point It landed on the manuscript paper he was writing.The few lines of pen writing he just wrote were wet, turning into a few unrecognizable little tadpoles. "She doesn't want to die, she wants to live, she is willing to reform her thinking, and she wants to see socialism built. This wish cannot be said to be wishful thinking. She could have lived, if she hadn't been the stinky bitch of the black old K. In a word, It was I who implicated her, I harmed her..."

When Ba Jin wrote this, he couldn't continue to write anymore, because the old man's heart was already full of grief that could not be dismissed.He seemed to see Xiao Shan again in the dark night—the woman who walked through the ups and downs, the ruins of war, the peaceful days and nights with him, and of course, the catastrophe where big-character posters spread everywhere. .Now she actually left before him, and went to the vast heaven.Moreover, in Ba Jin's view, Xiao Shan's departure has something to do with his experience in the cowshed.In this case, how could he not look back at his dead wife who was still in the shadows after he had stepped into the bright sunshine again?

Ba Jin put down his pen! He came alone to the window of the upper floor where the curtains were drawn tightly.He stretched out his hand carefully, and quietly opened the window curtain a small crack, and then his tearful eyes looked into the boundless dark night.The small courtyard is still quiet, and Tian Lai seems to have fallen asleep.Only clusters of lights could be seen faintly from a small building in the distance, which indicated that even though it was late at night, there were still people who did not sleep.Ba Jin knew that if he allowed his thoughts to continue to run wild, he would probably fall down in front of the table in tears, and the article commemorating Xiao Shan would not be able to be written. A large Boeing passenger plane flew from Beijing Capital Airport into the clear and vast blue sky. Time is already April 1979.In the spring of thousands of miles, Ba Jin's international flight is flying towards Europe, where he once had good memories.Ba Jin's mood began to improve. He was no longer in pain every day when he was writing the manuscript of "Remembering Xiao Shan" in his Shanghai apartment at the end of January and early February.Ba Jin actually wrote the commemorative manuscript of several thousand words on and off for several nights. Every time he was full of words, he had to force himself to put down the pen and stand in front of the window alone.He couldn't pour out his feelings for Xiao Shan in his heart when he was crying.Ba Jin, who has hoped to write the truth on paper all his life, is of course even less likely to have a half-true lie when writing about his beloved late wife.In his view, writing is a kind of enjoyment, not just a labor that consumes energy.When Ba Jin wrote about Xiao Shan, it was like having a quiet conversation with his late wife.He wanted to express all the things that happened in the world in the six years after her death on the snow-white lined manuscript paper in front of him. In Ba Jin's view, this was also a rare enjoyment, even though he was bleeding. Tears had a silent conversation with Xiao Shan who was no longer alive. "People's white eyes, people's cynicism eat away at her heart. I can see that her health is gradually being damaged. The surface calm is false. The inner pain is like a pot of boiling water. How can she hide it?" How can I calm it down! She constantly comforts me, expresses trust in me, and feels aggrieved for me. However, she sees that my problems are getting worse day by day, and the pressure on me from above is increasing day by day. She is also very worried. Sometimes when I go to work or leave work with me, when I walk into the intersection of Julu Road, I am approaching the branch of the Writers Association, or I am approaching the intersection of Hunan Road, and I am approaching our house. She can’t hold her head up. I understand her, sympathize with her, and also I was very worried that she would not be able to withstand the heavy blow. I remember one day when it was the usual time to leave work, we were not troubled, and she was happier when I got home, and went to the kitchen to cook. I looked at the newspaper of the day, and on the third page I read the article "Thoroughly Exposing Ba Jin's True Face of Counter-Revolution" written by two worker writers who were the heads of the Writers' Association at that time." .What a blow!I read two or three lines, and hastily hid the paper, lest she should see it.She is carrying the cooked dishes She came out with a smile on her face, talking and laughing while eating.She wanted to read the newspaper after dinner, and I tried to draw her attention elsewhere.But to no avail, she found the newspaper.Her smile disappeared completely in an instant.She didn't speak again that night, and entered the room early.I later found her lying on the bed crying softly.A quiet night was spoiled.Looking back on the scene today, her tear-stained face is still in front of my eyes.How I would have let her tear-stains fade away and a smile return on her haggard face, even if years of my life were taken away in exchange for one peaceful night in our family life! ..." The plane sails in the night sky. Ba Jin leaned on the sofa and fell asleep quietly.Surrounding him was the sound of snoring. In his dream, Ba Jin seemed to have walked into a world full of sunshine.There are countless flowers in full bloom.A familiar figure suddenly appeared among the thousands of flowers. She was still so beautiful and slim, just like the poignant beauty of his wife when Marx mentioned her death: her eyes were bigger, more beautiful and brighter than ever!She was walking towards him, and when she saw Ba Jin, Xiao Shan said to him: "Sir, you are here, you have finally come to Paris! We have finally come to this day!..." Ba Jin woke up leisurely and found that it was Nan Keyi Meng!He wiped the tears from his cheeks, only to find that there was a blinding light from the window of the computer!The long-lost France is finally here!