Chapter 10 I dare not meet her eyes in the morning light

Ba Jin came to the small conference room. This place is also full of deep terror for him.In the summer two years ago, he was interrogated and criticized by the rebels many times here.Today, all the smoke and clouds of the civil war have been cleared up. After several years of "fighting, criticizing and reforming", those people who were very enthusiastic about seizing power and fighting bulls, ghosts, and snakes followed the evolution of the national situation. After the halberd fell into the sand in the Mongolian Undur Khan Desert, more people are tired of endless struggle.Now, the climax of the "Cultural Revolution" has passed. Although there is still no sign of the "Cultural Revolution" ending, Ba Jin still sees the end of the movement from the crooked desks and chairs in front of him and the people who came to study Liao Ruochenxing precursor.

"Down with Ba Jin!" "Down with Ba Jin, the bourgeois reactionary authority?" After the mental shock of Xiao Shan's sudden death, the image of a writer who was unrestrained and unrestrained in the past is long gone.Ba Jin completely lost the elegant demeanor before the summer of 1966. The old man wore an old gray Chinese tunic suit in early autumn. His hair is almost completely white, and there are many wrinkles on his face, but his eyes are still piercing. Facing the limited number of participants in the small meeting room, Ba Jin is looking at those people through the lens. Familiar faces.

He found that everyone seemed to have experienced the same disaster as him. Whether it was a once prominent rebel or a writer who had also been trained in Fengxian, everyone had no glory on their faces.He knew it was a kind of weariness. From the summer of 1966 to the fall of 1972, more than five years had passed. What kind of person could endure the endless struggle?Who would be interested in reading quotations before the meeting and parading a few "ghosts" with big signs around their necks after the meeting? Ba Jin quietly sat in a corner of the conference room.In the past few years, he has become accustomed to attending various activities inside and outside the Writers Association with this attitude. He is no longer like before 1966. He was politely invited to sit in the front row for all activities held by the Shanghai Writers Association with his highly respected qualifications. .Ba Jin remembered that in that depressing summer five years ago, he experienced the most difficult years in his life.He seemed to see two snow-white banners hanging high from the top of the Writers Association building. One read: "Ba Jin is the general representative of Shanghai's literary black knot in the 1930s!" The black old K—Ba Jin fired!"

At that time, Ba Jin, who had just returned to the Shanghai Writers Association from the meeting place of the emergency meeting of Asian and African writers, changed from a famous writer admired by the whole country to a black old K in Shanghai's literary and art circles, which of course required a transformation. process.At the beginning, he was not used to the life of being tortured by others, but as the number of big-character posters inside the Writers Association increased, Ba Jin has gradually become accustomed to this inhuman torture from refusing to accept this trumped-up charge.He saw that many new and old writers who were as innocent as him were imprisoned on the second floor of the Writers Association.In this special "cowshed", they study quotations, write inspections and go downstairs to accept criticism every day.Since August of that year, Ba Jin has never had a good life.

"I really should be educated, because I am indeed from a landlord's family!" After the eternal criticism and struggle, Ba Jin was not as discouraged and depressed as others.In the bullpen, he really did not say a word that should not be said, did not take a step that should not be taken, and was cautious, walking on thin ice.Only when he returned to the familiar small courtyard on Wukang Road, would he confide in Xiao Shan the words of depression in his heart.Xiao Shan was surprised and puzzled by his overly serious attitude: "Sir, why do you say such things at home? Are you really a little silly?"

Ba Jin still sincerely said to his wife: "Yunzhen, what I'm telling is the truth. I think I grew up in a family of bureaucratic landlords and was educated by the old society and old family. I have been exposed to so many old society and I am from an old family, so I must have a lot of bad thoughts. I will look at the new society from the perspective of a feudal landlord. Therefore, the Cultural Revolution is very timely for me...." He seemed to endorse in front of his wife , seems to be a little introspective.His expression made his wife feel sad when seeing him, Xiao Shan would sometimes say, "What's wrong with you?"

Ba Jin didn't expect that although he had realized the truth from his heart, he really wanted to change his mind in this red storm.Yet the rebels still didn't understand him.In the late autumn of that year, the struggle against Ba Jin escalated again. From a person who could read big-character posters every day and go to work at the Writers Association as usual, he became a "target of dictatorship".And from time to time, he was escorted from the first floor to the second floor by the rebels to accept criticism from the general assembly. "Ba Jin, you must explain why you wrote the "Torrent Trilogy". The "Torrent Trilogy" you wrote is to praise the evil landlord class!" Sitting in this small meeting room, Ba Jin seems to still be able to Hear that deafening shout.Of course it was his hallucination, and of course it was an indelible imprint deep in his memory.Now, the nightmare-like bitter days are finally far away from him.If Xiao Shan is not sick now, if she is still alive as before, Ba Jin still has great hope for life.Now not only is there no one to criticize him, but Ba Jin is no longer allowed to go to the Fengxian May 7th Cadre School; an old man is no longer allowed to work in the fields, which in itself is a relief for him.Although staying in Shanghai still requires Ba Jin to write inspections and submit regular ideological reports, this is, after all, much better than the unbearable years of the past five years.

After Xiao Shan's death, those rebels who used to be cold-eyed when they met each other seemed to have changed their attitudes somewhat.According to the instructions of his superiors, Ba Jin can live at home. He only needs to go to the Writers Association to study Marxism-Leninism and Mao Zedong’s works every morning, and write notes on his experience; he no longer needs to clean the toilets and corridors of the Writers Association And climbed on a high window sill to clean the glass; of course, no one would drag him outside to do a "jet" with a stern face. Ba Jin was very satisfied.The improvement of life gave the old man a hope of survival from the bottom of his heart.The institutional study that must be attended every morning is undoubtedly a mental burden for Ba Jin.But he had no other way to avoid it. Only when he returned to No. 13 Wukang Road at noon would the old man's spirit become better.He is now living with his daughter and son-in-law's family. Although his daughter and son-in-law take good care of him, Ba Jin still hopes to do more housework within his ability.There was no need to write anymore, and Ba Jin had a lot of time in the afternoon at that time.Sometimes he washes rice and vegetables in the kitchen, and sometimes he goes to the nearby vegetable market to choose some new dishes for the whole family's dinner.He no longer has the frequent social activities of the past, he has become an out-and-out ordinary citizen.Women in the alleys often mistake Ba Jin, who is full of white hair, for an old farmer who came to the city from the suburbs.Who would have thought that he was the suave and unrestrained writer Ba Jin?

Only when there was no one around, would Ba Jin stroll under the two lush magnolia trees in the yard alone.He went to the shade of the trees, of course not just to enjoy the cool air, only Ba Jin knew in his heart how deep his relationship with these two magnolia trees was?He is standing here thinking about the years that have passed away, recalling the days when he and Xiao Shan were together.As long as he thinks of his wife, he feels sad. What he feels most sorry for Xiao Shan is that in the catastrophe a few years ago, Xiao Shan was not only attacked by the posters of the Writers Association, but what was more, in Ba Jin and the Writers Association. When the "black line writers" gathered to criticize, some guys with no good intentions actually pulled the innocent Xiao Shan out to accompany them in the fight.Ba Jin will never forget that embarrassing scene for the rest of his life.

"Yunzhen, they treat you so unfairly. It's all because of me!..." Ba Jin wanted to cry when he thought of Xiao Shan being tortured.He was fully aware that Xiao Shan was not an official staff member of the Writers Association, and she didn't even get a salary. She had volunteered to assist in the work of "Shanghai Literature" magazine as early as 1959.In all honesty, Xiao Shan's contributions are quite beneficial to the magazine.Her character is doomed that she doesn't like to offend others. If it wasn't for her special status in the Shanghai Writers Association, it would be impossible for anyone to regard Xiao Shan as a target of criticism.

"Sir, don't say that. It's nothing. If they want to fight me, let them fight. This has nothing to do with you." Whenever Xiao Shan saw Ba Jin's guilt-ridden eyes, she would say goodbye. He smiled slightly.Her smile reminded Ba Jin of the smiles they often showed him when they were in Guilin and Guiyang.In the past, Xiao Shan's smile would make Ba Jin feel relaxed when he was writing under the lamp, but now even though he has stopped writing with a pen, this faint smile will still make Ba Jin feel at ease when he sees it. "Yunzhen, I heard that they asked you to sweep the street every morning?" In the winter of 1968, a very rare hurricane blew up in Shanghai, and the magnolia tree in the small courtyard on Wukang Road also blew off the withered leaves. up.One day Ba Jin saw a thin figure of a woman squeezed in quietly from behind the big iron gate.He was startled, and it took him a while to recognize that the woman holding a broom in the cold wind in the early morning turned out to be his wife Xiao Shan who had been with him for decades.Ba Jin noticed that Xiao Shan's face became paler and paler, and her lips were a little dry from the cold.It was obvious that she must have woken up early in the morning alone when no one was on the street, and finished her assigned street sweeping task ahead of schedule.When Ba Jin saw the shivering Xiao Shan, he immediately felt uneasy and sour. "Well, yes." Xiao Shan didn't dare to meet Ba Jin's eyes.She seemed to have an unspeakable inferiority complex from her heart. Xiao Shan, who had lived in an upper-class family in a metropolis since she was a child, was probably the first time in her life to receive such inhuman treatment.When the writers' association punished her for hanging a bull, ghost, and snake spirit sign in front of the gate, she was accompanied by other people.However, what Ba Jin couldn't understand was why the rebels of the Writers Association lifted Xiao Shan's "dictatorship" and let her go back to her residence on Wukang Road, and asked the street to assign her such a task of sweeping the street every morning.Xiao Shan felt sad, she didn't want to tell Ba Jin about this, but she didn't expect that it was the first time she got up early to sweep the street, and when she came back, Ba Jin was already waiting for her under the magnolia tree. Seeing her like this, Ba Jin felt even more sad.How much he wanted to sweep the streets for his wife early, but if he did that in those days, he would probably be charged with another crime.He helped Xiao Shan to the downstairs of the small building, and sat down in the living room.Then he brought her a bowl of hot rice soup, and persuaded her comfortingly: "Yunzhen, it's nothing, now even Mayor Cao cleans the toilet, let alone us?..." Xiao Shan, who had a strong self-esteem, glanced at Ba Jin, and tears welled up in her eyes.She murmured: "Sweeping the street is nothing at all, but I don't want to sweep the street in front of my house, alas, I'm really afraid of running into familiar people in the alley..." Ba Jin said: "It's nothing. If everyone knows that you sweep the street, it will be no surprise." Ba Jin's heart was bleeding.Every day when he saw Xiao Shan quietly leaving home in the early winter morning to go to the cold street, he immediately got up from the bed.Ba Jin wanted to be with her, but he could only stay inside the iron gate, quietly looking at the sickly and thin figure, sweeping vigorously in the hazy morning.But he didn't dare to come out to sweep the street with her. The reality that Ba Jin couldn't face was that his wife was greatly stimulated in the process of sweeping the streets.Although she insisted on getting up before dawn to sweep the streets every morning, some people in the streets and alleys still knew that the person sweeping the streets was Ba Jin's wife.Especially for some children, when facing Xiao Shan with rude words, it made her feel sad.Ba Jin remembered that it was a gloomy morning, he saw Xiao Shan in the yard and returned to the yard exhausted.When she cast her eyes on the magnolia tree in the yard, she happened to meet Ba Jin's eyes who were standing under the tree.She found that Ba Jin didn't dare to look her in the eye. Ba Jin did so at the time because he had an unspeakable guilt.He later found out that maybe it was his evasive eyes at that time that constituted the mental pain to his wife! He remembered Xiao Shan's illness, which was the year when the lesions appeared.Ba Jin knew in his heart that people who lived for a long time in that inhuman predicament were prone to diseases.Could it be that Xiao Shan fell ill in the face of depression and mental torture? "Hey, Yunzhen, why are you so fragile? Why can't you think about it?" Ba Jin heard that Xiao Shan got sick in the cadre school more than two months later.He hurried back to Shanghai from the countryside. When he saw Xiao Shan, he couldn't help being secretly surprised. He found that Xiao Shan, who was so quiet and fair in the past, now had a thin face and often had pain in her stomach.He stepped forward to hug Xiao Shan tightly, stared at her big sunken eyes, but still beautiful, with concern, and said after a long while: "You have to hold on, and we all have to hold on at this time." what!" "It's nothing, sir, I'm nothing, as long as you're okay." Xiao Shan still had a smile on her face.But her smile was quite different from the one Ba Jin was familiar with before, after all, her smile was sad and beautiful, but also forced.He knew that Xiao Shan's heart was hurt too much, and she was too tired, now she should take a good rest.Therefore, Ba Jin kept urging her to go to the hospital to see a doctor after returning home. Xiao Shan did go to several hospitals, but her condition was never thoroughly checked.Later, Ba Jin's vacation ended and he had to go back to the cadre school step by step, and Xiao Shan's condition was delayed like this.Although my daughter and son-in-law tried their best to seek medical treatment, at that time, which doctor would care about a woman like Xiao Shan? The two magnolia trees in the small courtyard of No. 13 Wukang Road shook their huge canopies in the wind, making soft rustling sounds.The small courtyard was extremely quiet, and Ba Jin stood quietly under the shadow of Guang Yulan, and suddenly found himself crying in the wind.