Chapter 2 Chapter 2 Playing Days

1 Only when looking back on the past, people realize how wonderful the world in the child's heart is.Their perspective on things is completely different from that of adults, and everything in the world is out of proportion. Children have unique insights into everything that happens around them, and they have a strong sense of discrimination between people and things. They just don't explore the reasons and development process of things. Around the time I was five, my father started worrying about financial problems.There had been four property brokers in the family when my grandfather died.Later, one withdrew from business activities due to his advanced age, the other entered a lunatic asylum soon, and the other two were about the same age as their father, but they passed away not long after.In this case, the son is supposed to inherit the father's business.Perhaps it was due to my father's lack of management ability, or he had already arranged for a successor. I don't know the specific reason, but the family business is still represented by others.

I only know that later one of his agents committed suicide due to improper financial management. In short, the family situation went from bad to worse.Father entrusted his lawyers and businessmen in New York with all his affairs in New York. ——Everything is up to them, and I never ask.These people are not only old friends of grandfather, but also friends of father.Someone had persuaded my father to sell some properties in the American West on the grounds that the ownership of the land was disputed.Later, after investigation, this was not the case, but unfortunately these properties have been sold at a pitifully low price.Similar things probably happened several times.

My father felt melancholy and depressed, but he couldn't do anything about it because he didn't know how to do business.He once wrote to his dear so-and-so dish and respected so-and-so, but these people either appeased him in their replies, or complained about the depression of the market, the depreciation of currency and so on.Once, an old aunt bequeathed a lot of property to my father, which made the family financially better for a year or two, but during this period, our regular income was delayed. At this moment, his father's physical condition was declining day by day, and his heart disease relapsed several times. At that time, all diseases related to heart disease were generally called heart disease. Economic worries damaged his health.The only feasible solution for the time being is to save money.At the time, the most sensible thing to do was to live abroad for a while.It wasn't tax avoidance - income tax was much less then than it is now, maybe a shilling per pound - but because it was a little cheaper to live abroad.The specific method is to rent out the house together with the servants at a high price, and the whole family will go to the south of France and live in a cheap hotel.

Emigrating to a foreign country happened when I was six years old. Ashfield was officially leased, to Americans willing to pay high prices.The family packed their bags and made preparations before leaving.The place I plan to go to is Hpa-an in the south of France.I am looking forward to the life in the future.I was very excited.My mother told me that the whole family would move to a place with big mountains.I asked a series of questions about the mountain, full of childish curiosity: Is the mountain high?Is it as tall as the steeple of St. Mary's Church?The steeple of that church is the tallest I have ever seen.

The mountains are actually much higher than it, hundreds or thousands of feet.I led Tony to the yard, chewing on a large piece of dry bread I begged from cook Jane, and began to try my best to imagine the majestic appearance of the mountain.I raised my head and looked up at the sky.Maybe the mountain is like this --- very high, so high that it goes straight up to the sky, and its style is thrilling. Mother likes the mountains, she told us, she has no feelings for the sea.I am convinced that mountains will be one of the greatest things in my mind. At that time, the procedures for traveling abroad were quite different from now, and it was very simple.

At that time, passports were not used, and there was no need to fill out any forms. I bought a train ticket and booked a sleeper berth, and everything was done.But packing is not so simple.I can't remember how much luggage other people in the family have, but I only remember that there are a lot of things for my mother alone. There are many things to do before you set off.A portion of the common china that was to be hired by the new tenant was taken out and placed on shelves, on the mantelpiece, and on the dining table and writing desk.The people who rented the house were unwilling to take any responsibility for the precious porcelain displayed in the home. What was left behind was locked up in time, and the travel boxes were packed and tied up.The family officially left for France.

The first thing I remember from traveling abroad is boarding a steamer at Folkestone to sail across the English Channel.Both Mother and Maggie were flustered and timid.They all have seasickness, so they hid in the cabin for women as soon as they got on the boat, and lay flat with their eyes closed, hoping to cross this section of water safely and safely and reach France smoothly.Although I have suffered in my brother's boat.But I firmly believe that I will not get seasick. My father was cheering me on too, and I stayed on deck with him.The ship crossed the strait smoothly, but I thought I used my tenacity to overcome the waves.When the ship arrived in Boulogne, I was delighted to hear my father announce, "Agatha is sea-worthy." The moment we landed on the French port, I suddenly realized that another language was spoken.As I went through the fence, someone yelled at me in words I couldn't understand at all.I ignored him and walked past the fence dismissively.

"Your ticket, miss. Hey, lady, please show your ticket!" Fortunately, my father caught up in time and let him check our tickets. The second memorable experience was spending the night on the train.My mother and I slept in a box.I was placed on the top bunk.Mother couldn't do without fresh air, and she couldn't stand the annoying steam heating in the sleeper car.Almost every time I woke up throughout the night, I could see her sticking her head out the window, greedily breathing in the fresh night air. Early the next morning, the train arrived in Hpa An.I was carried off the high steps of the train.The hotel car is waiting there.The family got into the car, and eighteen pieces of luggage arrived one after another.We arrived at the hotel as planned.Outside the hotel there is a large terrace facing the Pyrenees.

"It's there," my father said to me. "See? That's the Pyrenees, a snow mountain." As far as I could see, all I could see was a row of tooth-like monsters on the far horizon, which seemed to rise only an inch or two above.Are those?Those are the mountains?Where is the indescribably tall and indescribably majestic mountain range in my mind?I was speechless, for the first time in my life I had experienced such a great disillusionment—the disillusionment of a fantasy that I will never forget.To this day, I can still feel the endless frustration of that time. 2 We lived in Hpa An for about six months.This is a whole new life for me.Father, mother and Maggie are quickly drawn into the social vortex.My father had a few old American friends there, and made a lot of new friends at the hotel.We carried letters of introduction from many friends who introduced us to people staying in various hotels and pensions.

My mother hired a babysitter for me to look after me during the day.She's an English girl who's just lived in Hpa-an all her life, and she speaks French as well as English, if not better.My mother wanted me to learn French with her, but the results were not as good as she hoped.Miss Markham came to see me every morning and took me out for a walk--that's what girls do every morning.Along the way, she points to various objects, repeating their French names over and over: "a dog," "a house," "a policeman," "a bakery." I repeated absently, but when I asked questions, I could only use English, and she answered in English.I hated the day, the endless walks in Miss Markham's company.She is very kind and treats me kindly.The sense of responsibility is also very strong, but it is too rigid.

Mother soon decided that I would no longer want me to learn French from Miss Markham, but that a French woman should come to give me French lessons at regular intervals every afternoon.The new teacher's name is Mrs. Mohorat.She was tall and plump, wearing a brown shawl. Mrs. Mohorath especially likes to be affectionate.Her excessive passion made me feel more timid.It was becoming more and more difficult for me to respond equally to her. Her high-pitched voice held a tingling long tone: "Oh, dear baby! How good-looking, my baby? Oh baby, let's read some interesting texts together, do you like it?" I looked at her politely and coldly.My mother gave me a hard look, and I murmured: "Okay, thank you." My French level at that time could only express a limited amount of meaning. The atmosphere in the French class is quite harmonious.I've always been obedient, but obviously stupid in my head.My mother hoped to see immediate results and was very dissatisfied with my progress in learning. "She's progressing so slowly, she should have gone faster, Fred," she complained to her father. The father, always generous, replied, "Oh, she needs time, Clara, a certain amount of time. The woman has only been here for ten days." Afterwards, the mother dismissed the governess anyway. I have begun to take great joy in being freed from the shackles of Miss Markham and Mrs. Moholat.In the hotel lived a widow, Mrs. Selwyn, and her two little daughters, Dolucy and Mary.Dolucy was a year older than me, Mary a year younger, and we were inseparable before long. When I am alone.He is often docile and obedient, and very honest; but when he gets together with other children, he will inevitably play some mischief.The three of us especially enjoyed going to the trouble of the waiters in the restaurant.We swapped all the salt bags and salt bags in the pantry one night.Another time we cut orange peels into pig shapes and put them on everyone's plates before the dinner bell rang. The French waiters were the kindest people of their kind I have ever seen.Especially the Victor who was in charge of serving us, he was stocky, with a long pointed nose, in my memory.He smelled bad and strange (garlic was the first thing I knew).No matter how much we teased him, he didn't hold a grudge, and he treated us very politely.He used to carve us little mice from carrots, and the reason we got away with our pranks was thanks to this faithful Victor, who never complained to the hotel manager or our father. I valued my friendship with sisters Dolucy and Mary more than I had with my former companions.Maybe at that age, playing with a partner is more attractive than being alone, maybe we have more in common.We did many tricks together, and had a great deal of fun all winter long.Of course, we are often punished for being mischievous. During this period, my mother has been thinking about my French education.She and her sister were ordering clothes at a tailor in the city.One day, the mother noticed a young female worker in the shop.She is an assistant to a master who is in charge of fitting samples. Mainly assist customers to wear fitting samples.Pass the brooch to the master.Her master is a violent middle-aged woman.The mother found the young worker docile.Quite patiently, he decided to examine her further.During the second and third fittings, my mother kept observing her words and deeds.Then he grabbed her and chatted again.Her name was Mary Thayer, she was twenty-two, and her father owned a small coffee shop.She has a sister, two brothers and a little sister.My sister also works in a tailor shop.The mother asked casually if she would go to England with her.The girl was overjoyed when she heard this, and was so excited that she was a little incoherent. Mother made an appointment to visit Mrs. Thayer, and the two discussed the matter carefully.Only then did she talk to her father about her plans. "But, Clara," objected my father, "this girl is not a governess, and is a complete layman at that." Mother thought Mary was just the kind of person we needed. "She didn't know English, she couldn't speak a word, and Agatha had to learn French from her. The girl is very gentle and good-natured, and her family has a good reputation. She's willing to go with us to England, and she can do it for her." We made clothes and all kinds of needlework." As ever, the mother's whims proved practical again. To this day, as long as I close my eyes, Mary's lovely voice and smile will emerge in front of my eyes: a round rosy face, a flat nose, and black hair tied into a bun on the top of my head.She later told me that she walked into my bedroom with trepidation on the first morning, and greeted me with the two sentences of English that she had worked so hard to learn the night before: "Good morning, Miss Xiao! I wish you Good health!" Unfortunately, due to her strong French accent, I didn't understand a word and just looked at her suspiciously.Throughout the day, we were like two dogs who couldn't talk, and we just introduced ourselves to each other.The two hardly spoke, and looked at each other in bewilderment. In less than a week, Mary and I were unconsciously able to talk.I use French, one word east, one word west, and I am so sad that I can express my thoughts.By the end of the first weekend, we had become a pair of loyal and reliable friends.It was a pleasure to go for a walk with Mary, and to do anything with her.It's a pleasant start. In Hpa-an in the early summer, the weather was getting hotter and hotter. We left there for a week in Ajel, then went to Lourdes for seven days, and then settled down in Gotritz in the Pyrenees.This place is very satisfying, right at the foot of the big mountain. (My disappointment with the mountains had dissipated by this time.) Although Gochiritz was in a relatively good location, it couldn't see far.Every morning we walked along the mountain trails that led to the mineral springs, where we stood by the springs and drank cup after cup of those nasty dirty waters.After exercising, buy another bar of maltose.Fennel was my mother's favorite, and I was disgusted with it.Soon, when I was out for a walk with Mary, I discovered a very interesting sport on the zigzag path next to the hotel.I slid down the dirt slope in the small pine forest like a slide. Mary doesn't like the game, but has never been able to keep me in check.I regarded her as a companion, and it never occurred to me to submit to her majesty. Later, I had two optional friends: a little American girl named Margaret Presley, and a little British girl named Margaret Home.At this time, my parents had already had close contacts with Margaret's parents, so they naturally hoped that I would play with Margaret.I disobeyed my parents' wishes as much as I used to, and I especially enjoyed playing with Margaret Presley.She loves to use outlandish phrases and words that I have never heard before.We both told each other many stories. Margaret and I were arguing over a subject.The bone of contention was how the child was born.I think the child was carried by an angel, as Mama herself told me; but Margery demurred, thinking that the child was stored with the doctor and carried by the doctor in a black bag.While the two were arguing red-faced, Fanny smoothed things over for us tactfully: "Yes, you are all right, my dear," she said, "American dolls are carried by doctors in black sacks; The little doll was sent by the angels, isn't that obvious." The two reconciled contentedly. It was from that time that I discovered that my sister had a special charm for the young men around her.Although she is not beautiful, she is also beautiful and eye-catching.Inheriting her father's wit, she was genteel, amusing, and feminine.The young lads were like skittles.They all bowed down at her feet.Before long, Mary and I were secretly campaigning to rank her worshipers, discussing the luck of these suitors. "I think Mr. Palmer will do. How about you, Mary?" "Possibly, but he's too young." I said he was about Maggie's age, but Mary insisted he was too young. "It seems to me," said Mary, "that Lord Andrews is very promising." I objected, "He's many years older than his sister, Mary." She said that might be true, but only husbands were older than wives.The foundation of the family is firmly established.She also said that Lord Andrews would make a good husband.No family would refuse such a man to marry his daughter. "Yesterday," I said, "Maggie put a bunch of little flowers in the buttonhole of Bernard's jacket." Mary didn't think that meant much, she thought Bernard was a frivolous lad. Like my mother, Marie also occasionally read French books to me.One day, I picked up a book called "Memoirs of a Stupid Donkey" and flipped through it page by page. I was suddenly delighted to find that I could read it smoothly.Everyone congratulated me, but my mother didn't say a word of praise.After a lot of hard work, I finally learned French and I can read books. Although I need someone to explain to me when I encounter difficult passages, I can read it by myself after all. At the end of August we left Gotritz for Paris.I will never forget Gotritz today, where I spent one of the happiest summers of my life. 3 We came to Paris from the Pyrenees and then to Dinard.Exasperatingly, it is only the bedroom of the hotel in which we stay that makes such an impression in Paris.The bedroom walls were painted a dark brown, making it difficult to see the mosquitoes inside. Mosquitoes swarmed the hotel, buzzing nonstop at night, biting our faces and arms.We lived in Paris for a week and almost all of our time was spent dealing with mosquitoes. I think my family must have taken me to visit the places of interest in Paris, but unfortunately they did not leave much impression in my memory. I only remember that my family took me to visit the Eiffel Tower, just like the first time I saw a mountain. , which also disappointed me.The only memory I have of this trip to Paris is that around then I acquired a new nickname: "The Mosquito."Undoubtedly I am a nuisance. However, I didn't gain nothing at all. On the first day I arrived in Paris, I saw the pioneers of the industrial revolution.The streets of Paris are full of new forms of transportation called "cars".They shuttled to and fro in the street, galloping noisily by. (The cars were, of course, slow by modern standards, but at the time they were much faster than horse-drawn carriages.) Drivers wore hats and glasses, among other things, to dazzle the eye.Father said that this kind of stuff would be everywhere soon.None of us believed it.I looked at everything in front of me indifferently, and my interest still remained on the various trains. "It's a pity Monty isn't here, he'd love these things," the mother sighed. Recalling this period of life, I feel a little strange, my brother seems to have disappeared.Although he also came home during the Harrow school holidays, he didn't seem to be an important person in my mind anymore.Maybe it's because he didn't pay attention to me at all during this period.I later learned that my father was very worried about him at this time.He dropped out of school because he failed the exam.He presumably went first to Dart's shipyard, and then up north to Lincolnshire.His academic progress is always disappointing.In every family there is often a child who worries and worries the parents.In our family, brother Monty was one such person.He's been a headache all his life. We went from Paris to Dinard in Brittany. As far as I can remember, Dinard is where I first learned to swim.When I realized that I had paddled forward a few times and didn't sink, I was so proud that I couldn't believe that I could swim without someone else supporting me. It was at Dinard that I started my theater practice.At that time, the parents lived in a large two-person bedroom with a large protruding window in the room.It was actually an alcove with a closed curtain in front, resembling a stage.I was inspired by a fairy tale play staged at Christmas the previous year, and forced Mary to cooperate with me to perform various fairy tales for my family every night.I played the part I liked, and Mary played the rest of the story by herself. Recalling my parents' enthusiastic support for us, I still feel deeply.It's not hard to imagine how uninteresting it was to sit in the bedroom for half an hour every day after dinner and watch Mary and I dance around in costumes we made up ourselves.We performed, "The Glass Slipper and the Rose", "Beauty and the Beast" and other plays.I don't like to play the male lead in the play.I borrowed my sister's long tube wipes, put them on my legs as tights, and paced plausibly on the "stage". At first our theatrical performances may have been extremely funny, at least to my father's liking.But then it became more and more annoying.My parents were too kind to me to tell me frankly that I was suffering every night for our botched show.Occasionally they will stay downstairs under the pretense that friends are dining, but for the most part they are open-minded. In September, during his stay in Dinard, my father was delighted to meet his old friends, the Pearys.Their two sons were also on holiday there.Martin Peary and my father were schoolmates at Vevey, and the two had always been close friends. Father was very happy to meet his old friend.Mother and Mrs. Peary also had a language in common, and the two soon had lively discussions of Japanese art.Their two sons were there too.Harold was at Eton, and Wilfred was probably at the Royal Naval School at Dartmouth, about to join the navy.Wilfred later became one of my closest friends.I remember people saying that when he was a kid he couldn't stop giggling at the sight of bananas.For this reason, I also looked at him carefully.At that time, these two young men naturally would not take me seriously.One is an Eton student and the other is a naval cadet. How could they condescend to pay attention to a seven-year-old girl?Our family came to Guernsey from Dinard and spent most of the winter there.On my birthday, I was pleasantly surprised to receive a gift - three little birds.Their feathers and colors are exotic, and their names are Kaikai, Dudu and Beibei.Kai Kai was a delicate bird who died soon after.I had him for a short time, so his death didn't cause me much grief.Bei Bei, this charming little bird, is my favorite.Still, I gave Kai Kai a lavish funeral with gusto.Its body was carefully placed in a cardboard box lined with satin lace provided by its mother.After a long journey, we came to the heights outside St. Peter Port, selected a cemetery, held a funeral, and the locket was buried and covered with a large bouquet of flowers. Everything was arranged very well.But the matter did not end here, and visiting Kaikai's tomb added to my interest in walking. The most eye-catching thing in St. Peter Port is the flower market.There are all kinds of flowers there, very cheap.According to Mary, the weather had been very cold and windy.Whenever she asked, "Where are we going for a walk today, Miss?" I always replied with great interest, "We're going to pay respects to Kai Kai's grave."Even so, I stubbornly dragged her to the flower market first, bought some camellias or other flowers, and then walked two miles in the biting cold wind, and it often rained.We held a routine ceremony at Kai Kai's grave.Put the flowers there.Perhaps some people are born to enjoy funerals or to watch funerals.If there is no such nature in human beings.Then archaeologists might not exist. 4 Sometimes I think, if the theory of reincarnation is true, then my previous incarnation must have been a dog.I have many dog ​​habits.No matter who does what or where they go, I will follow them.Follow along.Likewise, when returning home after a long expatriate life.I also act totally like a dog.Dogs always like to wander around the house, looking around, smelling here, sniffing there, using their noses to find anything unusual, and rubbing where it is good.That's exactly what I am.Looked all over the house, looked at the grounds, came to my Dundi, looked at my railroad line, the tree that could be used as a seesaw, and the secret lookout point on a hidden high place by the courtyard wall, from There you can monitor the road outside the wall.I found the hoop and tried it to see if it was good.Then.After an addiction, it took about an hour to replay all the games I played before. I think readers can't help but ask after reading this: "Don't you go to school yet?" My answer is: "No." I was about nine years old at this time.Most kids my age already have governesses.But at that time governesses were employed mainly for the purpose of looking after children, training and supervising them.The so-called "courses" they offer depend entirely on their personal interests. My mother, who had been educated in Cheshire when she was a child, changed her mind completely and decided that the best way to bring up girls was to let them run about as much as possible, get plenty of fresh air, eat well, and not force them to do anything. matter. (It is different for boys, of course. Boys must receive a strict orthodox education.) As I mentioned earlier, her theory is that children cannot read until they are eight years old.Since this restraint did not work for me, she simply let things take their course.I take every opportunity to read the books I like to read.The large room called the study room is located upstairs, and it is filled with all kinds of books. There is also a special shelf for children's books, which are full of "Alice in Wonderland", "Looking in the Mirror", And the collections of early Victorian stories I mentioned earlier, such as: Our Violet, The Saroyan Collection, probably the full Handy Collection, and various Textbooks and novels.I randomly choose what interests me to read.Read a lot of books.But there are not many of them that I really understand. They just aroused my interest in reading. While flipping through books, I came across a French play.My father found out that I was reading this script, snatched it away, and asked me with a strange look, "How did you get this book?" of. "It's in the study room," I replied. "It shouldn't be here," said the father to himself, "it should be locked in my bookcase." I readily dismissed the book, finding it hard to understand, to be honest. I dived back into those no-fuss French children's books like Memoirs of an Artist and Homeless. I probably also took some classes at that time, but without a tutor, I continued to learn arithmetic with my father, passing from fractions to decimals with great contentment, and finally advanced to a higher level, learning "how many cows eat How much grass, how many hours it took to fill the water tanks."I'm absolutely hooked on this class. At this time, my sister began to officially enter the social world, followed by attending various parties, buying clothes, going to London and so on.My mother got busy with her and had no time to take care of me.Sometimes I get a little jealous and everyone focuses on her. In the neighborhood around me, it happens that none of them have children my age.So in my childhood, I had to make up a series of relatives and friends.First came the little poodle, little squirrel and little tree, and then the famous Keaton family.At this time, I started a small school in my imagination.That doesn't mean I'm eager to go to school.This "school" is only for the study of seven children of different ages and appearances.They are from different families.The school does not have a school name, it is called a school. The first people to learn are Ethel Smith and Anne Gray, two sisters-in-law.Ethel was eleven, Anne nine.Ethel has dark skin, thick hair, is intelligent, good at playing games, has a low voice, and looks like a boy.Her close friend Annie is the exact opposite.Annie has fair hair, blue eyes, is shy and sentimental, and cries at every turn.She was attached to Ethel, and Ethel stepped forward to protect her every time. After Ethel and Anne, I took two more students.One was Isabella Sullivan.Eleven years old, with blond hair and brown eyes, is a beautiful government official.I don't like Isabella, I can say that I hate her very much. She was vulgar, vulgar to the extreme.She flaunted her wealth with arrogance, and her clothes were quite fashionable, which was extremely out of proportion to her age.The other, Elsie Green, was Isabella's cousin.She was sort of Irish, with curly black hair, blue eyes, a vivacious disposition and a constant giggle.She gets on well with Isabella, but is sometimes irritated by her.Green came from a poor family and wore clothes worn by Isabella.She sometimes expressed resentment about it, but after all, she didn't care much about it, so there were not many times like this. I had a lot of fun with these four girls.During that time they traveled by "train" along the "Gubler" railway line, rode horses, groomed the yard, and played cricket.I've also hosted several tournaments and invitationals.My greatest hope is that Isabella will be defeated.I did everything in my power to keep her from winning except cheating - I casually held the club for her and hit with no aim.But the more indifferent I was to her, the luckier she seemed to be.She raced through the hoop that would have been impossible to pass.Hit the ball right over the lawn and always win in the end.I am very annoyed. Later, I thought it would be better to have two younger students.Thus, two more six-year-olds were added to the school, Ella White and Sue de Foot.Ella is diligent and meticulous in her studies, has excellent grades, and plays cricket very well, but she is very rigid.The hair is like a brush.Sue de Foot was surprisingly mediocre.Not only is she plain-yellow hair, light blue eyes, but she lacks personality.But I can still see and feel Su's existence.She and Ella were an intimate couple.I knew Ella like the palm of my hand, but I couldn't grasp Sue.Maybe it was because Sue was my avatar, and when I spoke to the other students, it was always Sue who spoke, not Agatha.Sue and Agatha merge into one to form a double character.Sue is often a bystander, rarely a character in the plot.The last to join the group was Sue's half-sister, Fra de Forte.Fera was the oldest, thirteen years old, not very pretty at the time, but soon to be a charming big girl.Her origins are also mysterious.I preliminarily envisioned various futures with strong romantic colors for her.She has long light yellow hair, and a pair of affectionate blue eyes. These "girls" have been with me for many years.As I matured, their personalities naturally changed.They attend concerts, perform operas, and play roles in plays.Even as an adult, I shared my thoughts with them from time to time, handing out items from my closet.I styled the pajamas for them in my head.I still remember Ethel looking more beautiful in a dark blue tulle gown with a white lily on one shoulder.Poor Anne rarely had clothes to wear.I was just to Isabella, and in spite of my prejudice against her, let her wear the most beautiful gowns—often embroidered silks and satins.Even today, when I put an item of clothing in my closet, I sometimes mutter to myself, "This Elsie would look good on her, she would look great in green. What would Ella do if she wore that tricolor sweater?" That knit tight sweatshirt must be cool.” I’d laugh at it myself, but these “girls” really do live in my heart, but unlike me, they haven’t aged.In my imagination, the oldest of them was no more than twenty-three years old. As time went on, I added four more characters: Andrade was the oldest of them all, tall and slender, somewhat tall; Beatrice was the youngest, a dancing, happy woman. Little Fairies; and the sisters Rose and Iris Reed, for whom I began to invent many romances. Iris has a boyfriend and often writes poems to her.Ross was naughty, teasing everyone, flirting with all the boys.Of course, when they reached a certain age, they all got married one after another, and some of them were not yet married.埃塞尔一辈子独身，跟温柔娴静的安妮一起住在一幢小别墅里，她们是天生的一对，即使在现实生活中，她们两人相依为命也不会是不可能的。 我们从国外回来后不久，弗罗茵·尤德就把我领人了美妙的音乐王国。弗罗茵·尤德是一位瘦小干瘪、神情可畏的德国女人。我不知道她为什么要到托基来教音乐，也从未听说过有关她个人的隐私。有一天，母亲来到学习室，身旁站着弗莱德·尤德，母亲说她打算让我开始学钢琴。 “是的！”弗罗茵·尤德尽管英语说得流利。却夹带着浓重的德国口音。“咱们现在就到钢琴那儿去。”我们来到钢琴跟前，学习室里摆着的是一架小钢琴，那架大的摆在客厅里。 “站在这儿，”她命令道．我立在钢琴的后侧，“这个，”说着她重重地在琴键上敲了一下，我担心钢琴是否承受得住，“是C大调，明白吗？这是C调，这是C大调音阶。”她弹了几下，“现在我们回过头来，弹C调的和音。这样……再来一遗——音阶。音阶C、D、E、F、G、A、B、C，你明白了吗？”我说明白了，其实她刚才说的我都已经会了。 不久，整个房子里就回荡着音阶和琶音的练习，后来是曲子《快乐的农夫》。我对音乐课非常痴迷，父母亲都会弹钢琴。母亲弹奏门德尔松作的曲子以及其他一些她年轻时学过的作品。她技巧娴熟，但对音乐并无强烈的爱好。父亲却颇有音乐天资，无论弹奏什么曲子都可以不看乐谱。他常弹奏欢快的美国歌曲和黑人圣歌，还有其他一些作品。除了《快乐的农夫》，弗罗茵·尤德又给我加了舒曼的一些优雅的小夜曲。我每日满腔激情地练上一两个小时，从舒曼进到我最崇尚的作曲家格里格的作品。像大多数德国人一样，弗罗茵是一位优秀的教师。 我并不总是弹奏欢快的曲子，还得弹奏大量的我并不怎么热衷的格里格的练习曲。弗罗茵·尤德不是那种喜欢干劳而无功之事的人，她对我说：“你必须打下坚实的基础，这些练习很实用，很有必要。曲子是一朵朵瑰丽的小花，它们开放了，又凋谢了，你必须要有根基，坚实的根基还要有绿叶。”就这样，我在根基和绿叶上下了大量的功夫，偶尔也插进一两朵小花。我的成就大概比家里其他人都令人满意。 他们都有些腻烦弹奏这么多练习曲。 当时也开办舞蹈学习班，每周上一次课。教室设在一家甜食店楼上被尊称为“雅典娜神庙”的房间里。我大概在很早就开始进舞蹈学习班了，一定是在五、六岁的时候，因为当时姆妈还在我们家，每周由她送我去学习。年龄小的学员先从波尔卡舞学起，方法是重走三步：右，左，右——左，右，左。听到这样的跺脚声。在楼下甜食店喝茶的人一定会感到心烦意乱。回到家里，麦琪的讥讽多少让我有些不快。她说波尔卡根本不是那样跳，“应该先向前滑一步，另一步跟上，然后再起第一步，就像这样……”我感到困惑。原来这是那位教跳舞的老师希基小姐发明的教学方法，学舞步之前要先以此来熟悉波尔卡的节奏。 在托基，舞蹈班里几乎全是女孩子。后来我在伊林进舞蹈班学习时，班里有许多男生。那时我九岁左右，非常腼腆，舞步也不很熟练。一位比我大两岁，长相标致的少年走到我面前，邀请我跟他跳朗色舞。我窘迫地垂下了头，告诉他我不会跳朗色舞。当时我心里特别难过，我还从未见过这样迷人的少年。他乌黑的头发，一双大眼炯炯有神。我即刻感到我们将会成为一对心心相印的情侣。朗色舞开始了，我黯然神伤地坐在一旁。这时舞蹈班的老师走上前来：“阿加莎，谁都不许光坐着不跳。” “我不会跳朗色舞，沃兹沃思太太。” “不，亲爱的，你很快就能学会的，我给你找一个舞伴。” 她将一位塌鼻子，沙土色头发，脸上长着雀斑的少年拽到我面前。“这儿有一位，他叫威廉。”就在朗色舞相互交位时，我与那位使人眷恋的少年相遇。他忿忿地对我低语道：“你拒绝了跟我跳舞，却又跟别人跳了，太不友好了吧。”我试图向他作些解释，说我以为自己不会跳朗色舞，是迫不得已才跳的，可惜在交位的瞬间是来不及作任何解释的。他依然责怪地注视着我，直到下课。我真希望下周上课时能遇上他，遗憾的是，从那以后再也没有见过他——人生的又一爱情悲剧。 我所学的舞步中，唯有华尔兹是我一生中都用得上的，可我却始终不太爱跳这种舞。我不喜欢它的节奏，常常旋得我头晕眼花，尤其是在跟希基小姐跳的时候。她的旋转动作轻盈优美，我被她带得双脚几乎离了地，一个曲子下来就感到天旋地转，几乎站不稳了。不过我不得不承认，她的舞姿能给人以美的享受。 弗罗茵·尤德从我的生活中悄然逝去了。不知道她是什么时候离开的，也不知道她去了哪里，也许是回德国了。 不久，一位叫特罗特的青年人替代了她。他是某教堂的风琴手，他的教学方法有些让人沮丧。我必须适应另一种演奏风格——几乎是坐在地板上，高举起双手，完全依靠腕力在琴键上弹奏。而原来弗罗茵·尤德的训练方法是让我坐得高一些，用小臂的力量弹奏。只有双臂高悬于琴上方，才能给琴键有力的敲击，那样才会达到令人满意的效果。 5 我们从海峡群岛回来后不久，父亲病重的阴云开始向全家人的心头袭来。旅居国外期间，他的健康状况就一直不佳，曾两次就医。第二次就诊时，医生作出了危言耸听的诊断．他认为父亲得的是肾玻回到英国后，我们自己的医生又给父亲检查了一次，他不同意前一位医生的诊断，领着父亲去见一位专家。从此，这片阴云就一直笼罩在全家人的心头。儿时的我只能膜肪地觉察出这种心理上的抑郁气氛。就如同狂风暴雨来临前人们隐约能感受到大自然的沉闷一样。 医疗手段也无能为力。父亲去过两三位医学专家处就诊。第一位认为父亲心脏状况不好，具体情况我记不得了，只记得当听到母亲跟姐姐说话时说是“心肌炎”，我顿时感到不寒而栗。另一位专家则认为完全是胃的毛病。父亲夜里常常感到阵痛和气闷，发病的周期越来越短。 母亲起来陪伴他，为他调换姿势，服侍他吃下医生开的药。 平日里，父亲还像以往那样情绪乐观，可是家庭气氛已不那么轻松了。父亲照常去俱乐部，夏日里把时间消磨在板球场上。回来后讲一些有趣的见闻。总之，他还是那么慈祥，从不怄气、发怒。可是忧郁的影子迟迟不肯离去，它笼罩在母亲心头。母亲强打精神宽慰父亲，说他“看上去好多了，感觉也不同，真是好多了。” 与此同时，我们又面临着经济拮据的窘境。祖父留下的遗产都用在了纽约的房产投资上。但这些房产都是租下来的，并没有水久地买下。它们占据了市区的一部分，当时那块地产价值连城，房产却值不了多少钱。地产主是一位七十多岁的老妪。她似乎并不愿意积极合作，处处设置障碍，反对任何开发和改善工作。定期的房产收入也总是姗姗来迟，而且常常被房屋维修费用和税款吞噬得所剩无几。 玛丽大概在我父亲去世前就离开了我们家。她到英国来的合同为期两年，在我们这儿又多呆了至少一年。她思乡心切，而且我想她很明智，也讲究实际，意识到该是按照法国传统考虑婚姻大事的时候了。她已经从自己的工钱中攒了一笔相当可观的嫁妆款。就这样，她眼里噙着泪花，紧紧地拥抱了她“可爱的小姐”，告别了我们，剩下我孤独一人。 在玛丽走之前，我俩终于在姐姐未来的丈夫的选择上取得了一致的见解。我俩过去一直在推测。玛丽始终坚信会是那位“金发碧眼、肤色白晰的先生”（此文为法语，译者注）。 母亲小的时候跟姨婆住在柴郡。她在学校里交结了一位朋友叫安妮·布朗，两个亲密无间。后来安妮·布朗跟詹姆斯·瓦茨结了婚，母亲嫁给了自己的表兄弗雷德里克·米勒，两位姑娘一致表示永远也不能忘记对方，要始终保持联系。尽管姨婆后来离开柴郡搬到了伦敦，但两人的联系从未中断。安妮·瓦茨有五个孩子，四个男孩，一个女孩。我母亲有三个孩子。两个相互交换彼此孩子在不同时期的照片，每逢圣诞节向对方的孩子馈赠礼品。 当姐姐准备去爱尔兰旅行时，母亲向安妮·瓦茨提及了麦琪此次旅行。安妮再三邀请麦琪由霍利黑德返回途中在柴郡的阿布尼堡逗留。她渴望见到挚友的孩子。 麦琪的爱尔兰之行非常愉快。归途中她在瓦茨家小祝瓦茨家的大儿子詹姆斯当时二十一二岁，就读于牛津大学。 他有一头漂亮的金发，嗓音低缓温和，谈吐不多。他跟大多数小伙子不同，对姐姐麦琪表现得不很热情。姐姐发现这很蹊跷，引起了她的好奇。她多次有意跟詹姆斯过不去，但却不知道这样做的效果如何。不管怎样，她刚回到家两人就开始了断断续续的通信往来。 其实，姐姐第一次出现在他面前的时候，他就已经为之倾倒了，只是他生性腼腆，不善于表露自己的感情。第二年夏天他住在我们这里。我一下于就被他迷住了。他对我也很亲热，待我诚恳，从不戏弄我或者像对小孩子似地对我说话，而是把我看作一个大人。我很喜欢他。玛丽对他的评价也很高，称他为“金发碧眼、肤色白晰的先生”，我俩经常在缝纫室里谈论他。 “我觉得他们两人好像彼此爱得不是很深，玛丽。” “噢，不对，他很爱她，当她不注意的时候，他总是深情地望着她。他们的婚姻一定会美满，而且很实际。听说他前途远大，生活作风又严谨，会成为一位顶好的丈夫。小姐性格开朗，聪敏，风趣，喜欢笑，找一位斯文稳重的男人作丈夫再合适没有了。他也会喜欢她这种与他不同的性格的。” 只有父亲不太喜欢詹姆斯。但我想，这对一位妩媚动人，性情欢快的姑娘的父亲来说几乎是不可避免的一一作父亲的都期望自己的女婿是一位十全十美的人物。作母亲的对自己的儿媳往往也会有类似的苛求。由于哥哥一辈子独身，母亲还不曾受到过这种情感的感染。 母亲始终未对她的两位女婿感到十分满意过，但她也承认，这并不是女婿们的过错，而怪她自己。她曾说：“我也想象不出理想的女婿究竟该是什么样子。” 我十一岁那年父亲离开了人世。他的身体是逐渐衰弱的，可是他的病似乎始终未能确诊。长期为经济问题而忧虑过度无疑削弱了他对病魔的抵抗力。 他去伊灵继母（我的姨婆）那儿住了近一个星期，拜访在伦敦的那些有可能帮助他找到一份工作的朋友。当时，找工作并非一件易事，只有律师、医生、财产经纪人、法律顾问或者在军队服役等职业可供选择。父亲跟他同时代的多数人一样，未受过任何职业训练。 父亲对自己的财产支配情况一直困惑不解，他去世后，他的遗嘱执行人感到这是一个解不开的谜，也不知道祖父留下的这笔遗产都跑到哪儿去了。父亲生活并不奢侈，开支总是限制在预计的固定收入范围之内。账簿上写得都一清二楚，可事实上却是两回事，而且总会有一些好听的藉口或者说明某项进款的短缺只是暂时的——用在某项必要的维修上了。毫无疑问，原来的经纪人以及后来接替他们的经纪人经营都不得力。可都为时太晚，无法补偿。 他整日焦虑忧愁。天气寒冷，他受了寒，染上了肺炎。 母亲闻讯赶到伊灵，我和麦琪随后也去了那里。那时候他已病人膏盲。母亲日夜守护在他的身旁。家里从医院请来了两位护士。我心情沉重，整日惶惶不安地闲荡，为父亲的康复而虔诚地祈祷。 我心中依然清晰地记着这样一个场面。那是午后一时许了我站在楼梯顶端的走廊上，突然，父亲和母亲住的卧室门被推开，母亲双手捂着脸冲了出来。跑进隔壁房间呼的一声关上了门。医院的一位护士走出来对赶上楼来的姨婆说：“已经完了。”我明白了，父亲离开了人世。 葬礼是不带小孩子去的。我烦躁不安地在房子里徘徊着，可怕的事情终于发生了。我从来也没有想象过会有这样的事。房子里的窗帘都拉上了，点上了灯。姨婆坐在餐室里，用她那特有的文体写着长信。不时悲伤地招摇头。 是呵，我的父母真是一对恩爱夫妻。我在家中的遗物中发现了一封父亲去世前大约三四天写给母亲的一封信。信中写道他多么想回到托基，回到她的身旁。在伦敦的事情丝毫没有令人满意的进展，但他感到一旦回到他最亲爱的克拉拉身旁，一切烦恼都会烟消云散。信中还说道，他想再次对她说她对他来说有多么重要，尽管这样的话他从前说过无数次。“你在我的一生中具有极大的影响，是天下最好的妻子。光阴荏苒更加深了我对你的爱。我感激不尽你给我的柔情、钟爱和同情。愿上帝保佑你．我最亲爱的，我们不久就会团圆的。” 我是在一只绣花封面的笔记本里找到这封信的。它是母亲出嫁时亲手为父亲绣制的，寄给当时在美国的父亲。父亲一直珍藏着这个袖珍本，里面还保存着母亲写给他的两首诗，后来母亲又把这封信夹进本里。 为父亲服丧的日子里，伊灵有些糁人。房子里挤满了窃窃私语的亲友——外祖母、几位舅舅、舅母和一些长辈们，以及姨婆的上了年纪的老朋友——他们喃喃低语，叹息着，摇着头。每个人都穿着黑色的衣服。我也是重孝在身。我得承认在这种情况下，能给我带来慰藉的就只有这身孝服。 当我穿上这黑色的衣裤时，我感到自己的重要，认识到自己的价值，我不再是局外人了。