Chapter 6 Four

But Tolstoy around 1850 was not as patient as Nekhludoff.Yasnaya had disappointed him, and he was as weary of the people as of the elite; his office weighed on him, and he could no longer sustain it.Plus, his creditors are pressing on him.In 1851 he fled to the Caucasus and joined the army with his brother Nicholas, who was already an officer. As soon as he came to the clear and bright landscape surrounded by mountains, he recovered immediately, and he found God again: "Last night, I hardly slept... I prayed to God. June 11, 1851, in Caucasus Tari-Ewart's camp. I cannot describe the sweetness of sentiment I felt when I prayed. First I recited the customary prayers, after which I prayed a long time. I desire something very great, something very beautiful... ...What? I can't say. I want to merge myself with the 'God', I ask him to forgive me for my mistakes...but no, I don't ask this, I feel that since he has given me this happiest time, he I must have forgiven me. I asked, and at the same time I felt that I asked nothing, and could not and did not know. I thanked him, not in words, nor in thought... Just an hour later, I heard the sin voice. I fell asleep dreaming of glory and women, stronger than me. Never mind! I thank God for this moment of seeing my smallness and my greatness. I want to pray, but I don't know Pray; I want to be enlightened, but I dare not. I give myself entirely to your will!".

Flesh is not defeated (it was never defeated), and the struggle between lust and God is secretly going on in the heart.In the book, Tolstoy describes three demons that erode him: 1. The desire to gamble may overcome. 2. Carnal desire is extremely difficult to overcome. 3. Vanity is the most dreadful of all. While he dreams of sacrificing himself to others, thoughts of sensuality or frivolity occupy him at the same time: the image of a Caucasian woman fascinates him, or "his beard on the left is taller than the one on the right." will make him sad." Ibid. (July 2, 1851)—"Maybe!" God is here, and he will never leave him again.Even the turmoil of struggle contains opportunities for prosperity, and all vitality is stimulated.

"I think my frivolous thought of traveling to the Caucasus was really an induction from the Supreme Lord. The finger of the god pointed me, and I thanked him endlessly. I feel that I have become better here, and I am sure that whatever happens to me can only be a blessing to me, since it is God's own will to do so..." Letter to his Aunt Tatiana, 1852. This is the song that the earth sings to the spring in thanksgiving.It is full of flowers.Everything is fine, everything is beautiful.In 1852 Tolstoy's genius unleashed its first buds: "Childhood," "A Gentleman's Morning," "Aggression," "Boyhood"; he thanked God for his prosperity.A portrait in 1851 already shows his mature transformation in heart and soul.With his head raised, his face became clearer, his eye sockets were not as gloomy as before, but his eyes still kept his stern focus, his mouth slightly opened, and his beard that had just grown, looked dull, always full of pride and joy. Contemptuous spirit, but the exuberance of youth seems to have more ingredients.