Chapter 22 The day of leaving - Graduation is a cloud of another world

Shallow condensation What exactly is graduation? This is a question that has been on my mind for nearly two months.I used to lie on the bed in the dormitory with nothing to do, trying to find the final answer in the casual chat.I also used to lie beside the window of the dormitory, fantasizing about a little bit of specific feelings from the slow singing and candlelight under the window.After all, it is futile.It was only at 3 o'clock in the morning that day, looking at the dark and indifferent dormitory building and the dimly lit campus, a sense of loneliness and strangeness swept over me.

Wandering alone at the bridgehead.There are no stars in the sky, and suddenly he becomes so fearless, always afraid of the dark, but throws himself into the dead night to touch the erratic past.Nobody wants to sit down with me at this point.My story is not long, but why, there is a bleakness like a world away? Escape, have been evading.In the past days, there was no such word as graduation.Why be sad, why not give up, we are very close, aren't we? The dormitory is still the noise of the past, and the campus is still so dusty.Holding a watermelon, eating popsicles, sitting in the corridor and cheering for the running team on the screen.I'm laughing, I've been laughing all the time, and I'm pretending to appreciate parting on purpose. I want to cry when I hold you but I can't cry.Come on, go party, go sing, go drink, go crazy.There is always a beautiful arc hanging around the mouth.But that night at Jingye Plaza, why was there a bitter taste that flowed into my mouth?

Candles were extinguished and lit, and the national flag was raised and lowered.Unbridled shouts and turbulent tears enveloped the sky above the square.The wine bottle slipped from my hand, and the crisp crackling sound touched my nerves.The world was spinning, and I couldn't find anyone to hug and cry with me.Are you okay, a caring greeting.Shaking his head weakly, it's okay, it's really okay.Finally crying out, the feeling of relief.Alcohol, nice stuff.Enjoying the care of others in a daze.In the dead of night, the breeze is still.Inadvertently, his words "I liked you" echoed in his ears.The smile on his lips was like a flash in the pan, and he didn't even have the strength to be shy. "Why do you like me?" "Because your eyes are beautiful." Gently touching his hand was a kind of answer.You can say anything that day, what you want to say, what you don’t want to say, what you should say, what you shouldn’t say, no one will blame you, because no one will remember.After sobering up, we will not forget those so-called normative morals.

You leaned against me, squinted your eyes and said that the moonlight is very beautiful tonight.I don't have the heart to tell you, who is intoxicated, that it is just the reflection of candlelight in tears.That night, I believed in tears. I became more and more irritable as the day of parting approached.I had thrown the graduation certificate into my schoolbag long ago, and I didn’t want to see it, because I didn’t need it to remind me that the pride of “the majestic spirit of Nankai” is about to leave me.The last round of gatherings has begun. "Killing", killing tirelessly, even a quarter of an hour before parting I was still defending myself.Am I killing, or who is killing me? Why is the platform that echoes our singing still cold? Why does the train we are chasing eventually go away? Why are the passing crowd I see through tears so indifferent? Why is the world built by 4 years Instant collapse?

Holding the photo, my eyes are so greedy, I search my brains to use the fragments of memory to spell out the voice and smile of the past.Looking at the people who are busy with the exam on the road, I suddenly feel old.I fell in love with memories, and I fell deeper and deeper.The loneliness and emptiness of the dormitory is so familiar, as if returning to the original days.In vain, I pasted some papers full of blessings in the cabinet. What am I doing here? Do I want to prove that "a person who is about to leave is good in his words"? Looking at the sunset outside the window for the last time, who can tell me whether my eyes are full of vicissitudes?

The mood is chaotic like the wind. I want to learn, learn to laugh at the current obsession from the height of the future.Learn to look at temporary separations with a developmental lens.I will learn, learn how to get rid of the resistance to the unknown, learn how to cover up the grinding of time and the sophistication of society when I meet you again one day.When we raise this glass of wine again, will the original innocence and innocence be revealed in our eyes? Everything will be fine and I will treasure this time.Maybe I will count them down in the future, but I don’t know when and where, at that moment, will there be clouds floating in the sky?

(Qian Ning, a student of the English Department of Nankai University in 1998)