Chapter 5 The Color of Nankai-I Don't Love Nankai

Hao Lin The Tao said: The greatest love is equal to not loving. Someone told me that you should write an article about Nankai. It is delicate and smooth, so that people can plunge into the clear stream of your emotions and touch your soft memory with their own hands... But the keyboard is right in front of you. I can't write anything. Spinoza said, if you don't want to, you will find an excuse, if you want to do it, you will find a way.So in my current state, am I catering to an excuse or am I lost in finding a way?Just now, when I want to collect the bits and pieces in my memory, I realize that my thoughts are so simple, or in other words, barren.To hate a little bit is enough, but to love a thing requires loving all of it.I tried to use another way or language to explain my life in Nankai.Not touched, not sentimental, but an indescribable feeling.It's strange that I want to express a feeling that can only be understood into an inexplicable article, but that's what I do.I thought about it when I was walking on Dazhong Road, I thought about it when I was strumming the guitar by the Horseshoe Lake, and I thought about it when I was flying down the Ruzi Bridge—so I did it.

(after 1 hour 04 minutes 22 seconds) I thought carefully, thought hard, and racked my brains, but I couldn't figure it out, not even a complete picture, no. So I'm irritable, depressed, ashamed, venting, snarling, and self-deprecating, but what I want to say is, regarding feelings, all I can do is—wait The night in Nankai does have a special feeling, similar to, mysterious.When you are in it, you want to escape, but once you feel the reality of leaving, another more real emotion will torture you to pieces, that kind of emotion is called: nostalgia.So I don't want to enjoy the truth, even dare not.Often, I would think that this may have nothing to do with the meaning of the song, but whenever I close my eyes facing the colorful fountains and listen to music accompanied by male or female voices or mixed voices or silent voices by the Xinkai Lake, I feel the joy in my heart. , It was actually the faint satisfaction when Hua Dengchu stood alone in the middle of the campus playground, gazing at the trajectory of an unknown star.I know that I am a person who is prone to nostalgia, so I am afraid of a certain change.In other words, if nostalgia is a kind of belief, I would rather choose a fanatical pursuit method, and then forget all the childish actions in childhood like a grown-up child.However, children, or us, can choose to forget, but they cannot choose to choose.This is a sentence I often say, so I continue to implement my own will, so I try to make some kind of change into a kind of eternity.

Lifting his head, one eye was squinted by the sunlight.According to the routine, there should be a cicada at this time, but there is no, so I know this is not a movie.When I was young, I was afraid of walking in the hutongs during the day, because the hutongs in Beijing were too deep, and the distance was shrouded in light-I was afraid of being swallowed!However, the air is cruel, it let the wind tell me that time is eating my body.If it is now, I might turn my head, stare at the wind, and die with it without saying a word.At that time I did not dare.I told myself: "Go forward, if you are lucky, you can pass through." As a result, it succeeded.Later, it became a habit, "No matter how chaotic the front is, it is waiting for me."

This was recorded on a tape sent to us by a senior when he graduated.He said that this is a line, if life is like a play.I don't like being an actor, because I think drama is like life. In fact, everyone is an actor. It is not necessary to add a common name to a single person. September in Tianjin is very hot.This year, every year. When I was a freshman, I rushed into the check-in crowd without any luggage, feeling a little hot.When I was a sophomore, I squeezed into the registration crowd even though I wanted to bring my luggage, and it felt very hot.I don't know how I would feel in my junior year to describe that September, or to describe my mood at that time.

I admit that I used to be impetuous.The tranquility of Nankai is beyond my imagination.Because I always thought that this kind of feeling doesn't need to be warmed up, just experience it directly.Rare, this can repair my noisy heart. It took me a whole year to calm myself down. At one point, I was so obsessed with fighting for a guy called an ideal, I even went to discuss wave-particle duality with a bereaved teacher.However, one day later, I suddenly felt very confused - that day, I received the admission letter from Nankai.I know that I was naive, innocent and unreasonable after 18 years. Suddenly, I woke up from the dream, and I began to look for another starting point and another direction of achievement. Maybe this is the legendary growth.I began to recall the single state of life at that time, and I began to understand that the secret of success lies in the simplicity of purpose.I began to imagine the helplessness of the future, and I began to fear the unfamiliar loneliness...

Saying this, you may desperately nod to resonate, or stare blankly at my words, even if the result is only these two.What I want to say is, listen and tell you, on the first day in Nankai, I understood what is unnecessary. Registration, payment, ID card, earphones, quilts, and stools... Walking behind a senior who is a year older than me, looking at his pretentious and vigorous pace who is so busy with me, I really want to I flashed in front of him with strides, and shouted loudly with the sweat dripping from his forehead: "Brother!" But I didn't.He laughed, and I laughed too, hehe, in fact, sometimes moving needs a kind of hidden care, maybe I am the only one who is unwilling to express it?But at least I understand that it is unnecessary to misunderstand Nankai's indifference.

The lighting is very dim.I really like this kind of brightness, I can't see myself clearly, but it's much more free and easy.I sang "Hero", a song that can touch everyone but not myself.I'm a pompous person, and pompous people are often ashamed to express themselves.I play for myself, or sing for someone other than myself.I can't feel the temperature of fusion, I feel like a ostentatious apostle.Waving arms and flickering fluorescent lights began to appear under the stage.In hindsight, I knew that those were the lights from the screen of the mobile phone, the harmonious blue, orange and yellow.I remember I sang that song very calmly, at least I think I acted calmly.Later, I told myself that I should behave without hesitation in any place, and of course I did so.I remember Meng Jinghui said: "I love light, so there is light..." Those lights will flash in front of my eyes on every occasion in the future, and they will accompany me out of the constraints—in Nankai, if you think narrow If it is a quality, then it is not necessary.

Words are just a way, and what I want to express is just the same feeling.Just as philosophers try to explain the world in different ways, but the problem is - to transform the world. In fact, for a long time, I have liked to change a certain feeling to clear my mind, because I am afraid that I will lose the dimension that is good at accumulating, and I am afraid that if I sink for a long time, my thinking will become a fixed pattern.However, the feeling of changing the mind is like a catastrophe.Personally, I think that masters can change their way of thinking freely without forgetting the past.Losing memory, a large part of it is painful feeling.Because we often would rather suffer than live a life in a daze.But it is for this lucidity that we voluntarily alternate between two or more minds, and that is the start of another misery.This is precisely a paradox, and our life is actually an element of the paradox.What I want to say is that we are all a part of life, we can easily disappear at any turn and become part of the lost memory, and the only thing that will not change is a thing called emotion.Regardless of time, space, or the dimension that sounds beautiful.The world is weird, we can't grasp each other, but at least I can smile at the world just as weirdly.

I know I can't change the whole world, but I can at least change a line.That is: if you need a reason to love a place, then the reason is - no reason... Writing here, I suddenly realized that I was wrong.I am explaining in extremely pale language what is often called greatness.I said to myself that the greatest love is not to love, so some people say that we are living, but we are still asking what is life. Give it to those who love Nankai as deeply as I do. (Hao Lin, a 2001 student in the Department of Philosophy, Nankai University)