Chapter 28 The third part opens up a new soil for literature and art

Xu Zhimo said that his current distress is like the feeling of being drunk and unable to vomit or vomit. There are bursts of evil in the stomach, and the fishy greasy turns up from the esophagus. The throat is pinched, forced, Just teasing, not giving people pleasure.The "Self-Dissection" written by Xu Zhimo is like spitting out a few mouthfuls of bitter water, but afterward it just feels more uncomfortable and feels like it's going up.He wanted solitude, a place of absolute stillness—in the middle of a forest, in a cave, in a dark cell of a prison—where there would be no persecution or temptation from the outside world, no need to care about other people's opinions, applause or ridicule; the only object at present. Be yourself: your own thoughts, feelings, nature.At that time, they will no longer hide and hide, and let themselves be inspected, tested, and interrogated naked.At this time, you can boldly remove the last veil of your own cover, and expose your most self-pitying wounds and most concealed private obscenities.That's the chance to have a good time.

But Xu Zhimo's current life situation does not allow him to have such an opportunity.Too busy during the day (a person's spirituality is always a snail curled up in a shell in front of others), and at night, it is quiet, but people are tired again, thinking about tomorrow's things and have to rest earlier.Ah, he really envied the Buddha statue on the Tang Dynasty brick on the platform. He sat with his eyes closed on the lotus platform, and nothing could shake his samadhi.And the sentient beings who live in the net of afflictions, how dare they hope for the bright and unobstructed state!When a whip comes down, avoid it; when you see delicious food, you salivate; when you hear the sound, you get anxious;We are rats, dogs, hedgehogs, worms crawling between the stars in the sky and the dirt on the ground.Where is the time, even if you want to get close to yourself?Where is there a chance, even if you want to spit it out?

A few days ago, after several struggles, Xu Zhimo finally vomited the bitter water. Although it was uncomfortable, it was finally a vent.Afterwards, he felt ashamed and regretful, because he shouldn't have forced readers to swallow with him his own anguish.If it is bitter water, the bad smell of fumigation is unavoidable.He admits it was an entirely selfish act on his part and dares not expect forgiveness.His only excuse was that the mouthfuls of bitter water had indeed been vomited from his own stomach—not scooped up from a dirty bucket.He never expected sympathy, he only wanted his friends to know him deeply; what he was most afraid of was that the favor of his friends would form a virtual expectation; one of the purposes of his self-dissection was to relieve him of the burden he should not have carried as soon as possible .

Yes, he still had to dig into the bottom and cut deeper. When he first came to edit the supplement, he had a wish.He wants to give himself entirely to the readers who can accommodate him, the readers in his mind, the young people of this era.He felt that there was room for him only in the hearts of young people, and he wanted to cuddle up to their blood and listen to their pulse.He wants to discover their emotions in his emotions, and reflect their thoughts in his thoughts.If the meaning of editing is only to select manuscripts, match editions, print, and draft manuscripts, then it is better to be a bank clerk.He accepted the chance to edit Deputy Chen because it was not just a mechanical task.Because of the trust and tolerance of the owner of "Morning News", Xu Zhimo said that "Morning News" has become his trumpet, and from here he freely plays his weird and dissonant tones; it is also his mirror, drawing on this plane. out of his oddly incongruous shape.Xu Zhimo said that he never concealed his true identity: "I am me." The first time he met readers was a confession.He has repeatedly stated his experience, depth, prejudice, and hope, and readers may be tired of hearing it.But at first he had an expectation that was true—expectation of himself.I don't know why he had such lively courage at that time.He declared that he had jumped into this real world, deliberately wanting to recognize him carefully in the face of life.He believes that his zeal (not knowledge) can give him some strength against the enemy.He wants to work hard on it for a day, put his flesh and soul into the millstone of this real world to grind, and pull it down with the teeth——he wants to taste that!Only in this way can Xu Zhimo hope that the publication he hosts is more or less a living thing; only then can he expect a living relationship between the author and the reader; Behind the printed words, there is indeed at least one living person and one moving heart. His grasp is on your wrist, his breath blows on your face, his joy, melancholy, confusion, and sadness, Like your own, it is indeed a variation emanating from a recognizable subject—the gesture of the person standing on the stage—not a phantom projected on a white screen.

And he also had his own beliefs and ideals.There are virtues he admires and principles he believes in.There are things he loves, and there are things he pains.Going in the direction of rationality, love and sympathy, light, truth, health and happiness, life, and the direction of more, bigger and higher lives, these are a little bit of his "children's heart" at that time.What he hates are the sicknesses of this era: jealousy, deceit, ingenuity, strife, instigation, massacre, mutual killing, suicide, sorrow, falsehood, filth, everything is a sickness.He is not a doctor, and he cannot cure diseases; he has hands, and when they are still flexible, he thinks, maybe he can open a few windows for this era, so that the air can circulate more or less, so that the dirty and poisonous ones can go out, and the sober and clean ones can come out. Come in.

But immediately after his arrogant swagger, Liang Qichao, one of my most respected seniors (read his slander to Uncle Liu and the article), gave him a blow in the head: …Since I have made up my mind to run a newspaper and solemnly declared “I am determined to change my attitude towards people”, then I have to sharpen my thinking first, and I can’t just rely on my own instinct and just say it casually.Go forward, don't retreat back!Momentary excitement is useless, the louder and more energetic you feel when you speak, the more powerful you jump, it is actually a weakness of the heart, not to mention speaking in a depressed and dejected tone, teaching ordinary young people to read it, it will have a terrible influence on them, it seems that it is not Zhimo. The original intention of this step forward! ...

Go forward, don't retreat back!In the past few months, there has not been a day when this drinking has not echoed in his "weak heart".In fact, ever since he yelled "Go forward", even if he hadn't stepped back, at least he didn't feel that his footsteps had moved forward.Today he can no longer allow his own dream to continue.When you can settle your debts, it is better than just lying around.He couldn't help but dissect himself.At the risk of "speaking in a decadent and dejected tone", he had to use the sharp edge of introspection to chop off the encumbrances and accumulations that entangled his body and mind. Maybe there is hope for self-liberation?

It's a wonderful thing to think about being a human being here.He believes that our lives are at least severalfold.The visible and tangible life is the obvious life, but at the same time there is another kind of life, which gradually emerges, takes shape, and moves with the enlightenment of knowledge, and finally dominates the former life.It’s like our shadow cast on the ground, which gradually changes from blurred to clear with the increase of light. The shape is ungraspable, but it has its own mysterious existence. It moves when you move it, and it doesn’t move when you don’t move it.In the rush of real life, it is not easy for us to recognize the coexistence of another invisible life, just as we do not see our own shadow in the shadow; but at a certain time and place, we suddenly discover it, and it is undeniable to follow you Heels, like when you find yourself walking the moon at night.It is your spiritual or spiritual life.The moment you feel that you have a spiritual life beyond the practical life is a big key to your life!You may not realize it until very late (some people have no chance in a lifetime), but there is no trace of your experiences, actions, and thoughts in your actual life, and at the same time leave a "stub of check mark" in your growing spiritual life , just as your shadow follows your every move, although you don't notice or see it.

Xu Zhimo thought that at this time, it was as if a person had discovered his shadow for the first time.Horror, surprise, confusion, horror, suspicion, and trance all come together at the same time, when you recognize another existence of yourself.All his life, he was just rushing forward blindly on the road of life, stepping into a quagmire for a while, breaking a grass flower for a while, just running aimlessly; where did he come from, where did he go, where is he now, how should he go? The fundamental question never came to his mind.But at this moment, suddenly, suddenly he woke up.It seemed that the shadow that had been running around with his body suddenly blocked his way, asking him why he was in such a hurry!

A new consciousness is born.Now he can no longer rush blindly, he must at least recognize where he is coming from and where he is going, how should he walk as if he has a purpose, how should he prepare as if his future is still far away? Ah, why is he willing to swallow this fruit, knowing that there will be so many troubles!Now the first thing he has to investigate and understand is what this "I" is all about; and then decide how to get on the way for the "I" that has fallen on the road of life.All previous actions were not governed by this new consciousness; from now on, everything must be controlled by it.