Chapter 21 Part II Love on the Journey of a Believer in Feelings

On the way of traveling in Europe, Xu Zhimo also wrote a love diary full of emotion and text, namely "Little Notes of Love Eyebrows".He used "Love Eyebrow Letter" to complete a commentary on the whole process of love. "Love is the only glory before the Lord." This poem is the central theme of "Love Eyebrow Letter". Lu Xiaoman is one of the most famous ladies in Beiping. His father Lu Ding successively served as the director of the Ministry of Finance of the Beiyang government and the manager of the China Savings Bank.The Lu family has been scholarly for generations, so Lu Xiaoman has been influenced by piano, chess, calligraphy and painting since childhood.When she was 9 years old, she went to Peiping with her father. At the age of 15, he entered an aristocratic school run by the French - Sacred Heart Academy.In order to improve her foreign language level, Lu Ding specially hired a British female teacher to teach her English. Three years later, she was able to handle both English and French with ease. At the age of 18, Lu Xiaoman, who is both talented and beautiful, began to come and go in and out of the social circles in Peking.Due to his versatility, ability to write poems and paintings, and treat people with warmth, generosity and politeness, Lu Xiaoman's fame spread far and wide for a time.Many sons and daughters of great families and upstarts in Peking wanted to get close to her, and there was an endless stream of people who came to the Lu family to propose.When Lu Xiaoman was 19 years old, his parents decided to marry the young and promising Wang Geng.Wang Geng graduated from Tsinghua University, then entered the United States to study philosophy at Princeton University, and then transferred to West Point Military Academy to study military affairs. He returned to China in 1918 and worked in the military. The representative, Wang Geng, served as military attache and foreign language translator of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. In 1921, he became a colonel of the army. In 1923, he served as the deputy commander of the Road Guard Army of the Ministry of Communications. In the same year, he was promoted to a major general of the army.

Wang Geng is 7 years older than Lu Xiaoman, and he is capable and calm in doing things. However, Wang Geng devotes most of his time and energy to work, and treats his wife Lu Xiaoman like a big brother coaxing a little sister, with more love but not enough warmth. Lu Xiaoman naturally respects him more but loves him less.Later, Wang Geng was appointed as the police chief of Harbin. Since Lu Xiaoman was not used to living in Harbin, he returned to Beiping and lived in his natal family, so the couple became even more indifferent emotionally. It was when there was a vacancy in the relationship between their husband and wife that Xu Zhimo broke into Lu Xiaoman's heart.Xu Zhimo and Wang Geng were originally classmates, and they often play together.When Wang Geng was in Beijing, he was often unable to travel with Xiaoman due to his busy schedule, so he invited Xu Zhimo to do it for him.At that time, Xu Zhimo had a good impression of Lu Xiaoman, and Lu Xiaoman, who loves art, naturally fell in love with such a talented poet as Xu Zhimo.With Wang Geng's approval, Xu Zhimo and Lu Xiaoman toured the Great Wall and the overpass together. Lu Xiaoman liked playing cards, watching operas, and dancing, and Xu Zhimo accompanied him thoughtfully.Xu Zhimo and Lu Xiaoman, who have the same hobbies and interests, quickly warmed up their relationship.After Wang Geng was transferred to Harbin as the director, because the two had more opportunities to get in touch, and Lu Xiaoman did not have the shield of her husband, for a while, rumors arose in Beiping.

Many people think that the behavior of Xu Zhimo and Lu Xiaoman violated the traditional etiquette and education, which is not tolerated by the society.The love between Xu Zhimo and Lu Xiaoman is under great pressure.Especially Lu Xiaoman, the public opinion is pointing at her because she is a married woman.Xu Zhimo felt the pressure of the society and hated it. In his letter to Lu Xiaoman on March 3, 1925, he complained bitterly about this cold-blooded society, defending Lu Xiaoman and defending love. At the same time, he also encouraged Lu Xiaoman Don't back down for love, always move forward.

Ah bah, shit ethics, shit family, shit society, fuck you, the sun shines in the blue sky for nothing, the water in the veins of this group of people is icy cold!I can now tell you with confidence, as long as there is blood in my chest, you will have my sympathy and help; I will boldly accept your love, cherish your love, and keep your love forever, as I rely on love Your grace can also emit a ray of light from my soul, and this light is all yours, so use it as much as you can!If you can find some nourishment and warmth in my personality and thought, it is all yours, so try your best!When I first heard people slandering you, I declared to them enthusiastically, I said, listen, I didn’t know her before, and I had no right to speak for her, but now that I know her, I absolutely defend her, I Dare to say that if a woman's heart has ever been pure, hers is one. ...Everything is with me, and everything is with love.At the same time, the direction of your efforts must be clearly recognized by yourself, and there is no room for any ambiguity. There are concessions and sacrifices, but everything has a limit and an end; a rare flower like you is by no means for a couple who don't understand Parents, a husband who didn't understand came at the sacrifice.You are responsible to God, you are responsible to yourself, and especially to your newfound love, and your sacrifices in the past have been enough, and you can't afford to waste a second of your golden time so easily.

Yu Dafu, who understands Xu and Lu's love affair best and admires it the most, said this: "Loyal and gentle like Xiaoman, warm and sincere like Zhimo, when they meet together, sparks will naturally be released, and they will burn together. How can we care about Gang Changlun?" How do you care about patriarchal clan traditions? When this matter became a topic of conversation in Beijing's social society, I admired Zhimo's innocence and Xiaoman's bravery beyond words. I remember one time when I came to Jinyuxuan for dinner On the Internet, someone once asked me my opinion on this matter, and I learned a sentence from the movie "Three Musketeers" and answered him: "If I am going to die soon, before I die, I just want to make a great article." Epic, to praise Meizhimo and Xiaoman.'”

In February 1925, Xu Zhimo received a letter from En Houzhi, saying that Tagore was in poor health and hoped that Xu Zhimo could come to Italy to meet him.If he had received the letter a few months earlier, Xu Zhimo would definitely go there with pleasure.But now Xu Zhimo is a little embarrassed, he and Lu Xiaoman are in love, and the spearhead of public opinion is pointing at them.He couldn't leave Lu Xiaoman alone in Beijing and go to Europe to avoid the limelight. Xu Zhimo was in a dilemma. Hu Shiyu enlightened him earnestly: "Zhimo, you should know yourself. You don't have any unshakable genius. An easy life is harmful. If you continue to mess around like this, In less than two years, there will be no light on the tip of your pen, no fresh beating in your heart, then you will be finished. You are still young, you should go out for a walk, and re-absorb nutrition from the contacts of great writers and great artists , Let yourself add some inspiration for poetry, let your spirit and knowledge come to a 'Sanna Tujin'."

Lu Xiaoman thought again and again, and said to Xu Zhimo: "Zhimo, although I very much hope that you are by my side, I might go crazy if you are not here. But, you should go! I shouldn't hinder your future, you Going out for a trip for the first time and meeting the great poet Tagore will definitely greatly promote your talent. Besides, you know that in such an environment, we can try it too. We are separated from each other, do we still miss each other? Or forget about the other party." With Lu Xiaoman's encouragement, Xu Zhimo finally decided to travel to Europe alone.They agreed to write each other's diaries during the parting period, and when Xu Zhimo came back, the two could read each other's diaries.At the same time, Xu Zhimo also hopes that Lu Xiaoman can cheer up and concentrate on reading and writing. In the letter on March 4, Xu Zhimo raised some hopes for Lu Xiaoman: "Dragon: You don't know how deep my expectations are. How you strive forward bravely, how you believe that you really have the ability to develop potential talents, how you secretly pray that one day this superficial, vulgar, snobbish 'ordinary person' will open their eyes in surprise and close their eyes in shame - when that day comes true, That's not only your victory, but also my glory! Smart Xiaoman: Don't worry about it! It's natural that I'm always by your side to help you, but there are also great benefits to parting temporarily. I'm gone, My thoughts are still there, as long as you can tolerate my thoughts. I am going back to supplement my own education, and I will redouble my efforts to absorb possible nourishment. I can promise you that I will never waste my time and money. At the same time, of course, I also hope that you will work harder, recognize the direction you should go, and try to work hard. We will always have a clear conscience when we meet again after half a year." "The most important thing is that you have to tighten yourself , don’t let unhealthy temptations shake you, don’t let negative thoughts oppress you too much, you have to know that we can really know the truth in our whole life, and our sacrifices, distress and efforts are not in vain.”

On the evening of March 9th, many friends of Xu Zhimo held a farewell party for him, including Lu Xiaoman.At the banquet, Lu Xiaoman was so drunk that he kept shouting: "I'm not drunk, I'm just uncomfortable, just suffering in my heart".Due to the eyes of everyone, Xu Zhimo could only watch from the sidelines, how much he wished to be drunk with her, he only hated so many people drinking together, if he and Lu Xiaoman were alone drinking together, then they would get drunk together if they wanted to, If you want to die, you will die together, if you want to be drunk, you will be one, and if you want to die, you will be one.Isn't this the realization of the bliss that one desires in the midst of extreme suffering, and one enters the realm of great liberation from the gate of intoxication?Her words pierced his heart like a steel awl: anger, resentment, hatred, anxiety, all kinds of emotions flooded into my heart like a tide.Xu Zhimo will do anything as long as she says a word!He is not afraid of anything, and he is willing to give up everything for her, whether it is life or reputation—if she speaks out, their fate may change direction.

After the banquet that night, Xu Zhimo wrote to Lu Xiaoman until three o'clock in the morning the next day.He wrote down his dilemma: "My heart is broken, if I don't give you a good letter tonight, if I don't show you my heart, I don't deserve to love you, I don't deserve to be loved by you." My little dragon, this is really too uncomfortable, I don’t want anything else now, I only wish I could endure hardships with you——Your heart was hurting, I just gritted my teeth and closed my eyes to endure it for you Come on, dragon, let the begging ghost in your blood come to find me, and make me see you suffer like this, all my thoughts have turned to ashes! It is true that you are suffering so much, let me Who to blame?"

But parting is imminent, Xu Zhimo can only cheer for each other, how he hopes that Lu Xiaoman can withstand the pressure of society, and wait for him to come back: "I will leave in a dozen hours, leave you and go Don’t you blame me for being cruel? I also think that I have to harden my heart this time, and you also understand that I am going back this time to be my spiritual and intellectual ‘Sanna Tujin’. What I benefit is what you benefit from. You have to work harder, and you have to work harder during this period. I believe that your courage is your chance to test and prove your courage this time. Although I am gone, my heart will not leave you. There is an invisible spiritual thread between you and you, and the joys and sorrows of each other will be connected afterwards, do you believe it?"

Until the early hours of the morning, Xu Zhimo was still urging Lu Xiaoman to sever ties with the unhealthy life. He repeatedly told him that he was unwilling to set a life for her, but he wanted her to pay attention to tightening the rein and clenching her teeth to play against everything for the time being. Say goodbye to entertainment, or just say goodbye to all your friends.She needs total hard work, no more meddling, no more tantrums. "Remember, as long as you can endure for half a year, as long as you are determined to wait for me, you will be satisfied and happy when you come back. This is all possible; nothing is impossible in the world - as long as you have confidence, courage, and a sense of humor." Hot blood, true love in the soul. Dragon! My all-or-nothing bet is on you!" On the eve of his departure, Xu Zhimo almost stayed up all night, and boarded the train for the European tour the next day.Because of going alone, Xu Zhimo felt desolate. On the way to Fengtian, he wrote to Lu Xiaoman: "Cough! I waved my hand alone, and you all stood and watched me go, without reaching out Pull it, don't pretend, it's really annoying. At least half of the inside I want to give me is wishing me to go, and the other half is "You can go, let's go." The car got out of the station, I shook my head alone, looking at the sky and night, and felt a little uncomfortable." Looking out of the window, the yellow soil on the left reaches the sky, and the yellow land on the right reaches the sky.Looking at the tower in Jinzhou City in the distance, it looks a bit like the Leifeng Peak on the West Lake, like the collapsed Leifeng Peak, which added to his infinite melancholy.The letter from Harbin to Lu Xiaoman said that before the border crossed, he was already unaccompanied, and it would be even more miserable if he went down. Xu Zhimo called this trip to Europe "voluntary exile".On the way to Siberia, he complained to Lu Xiaoman that the exile in Siberia was really hard, he was motion sick, reading was uncomfortable, writing was even more annoying, the air in the car was bad, and the food was unpalatable, why bother.The people in the same car were either bringing their families or going home. They stayed in the car for one more day, and they were one day closer to home. He was the only idiot willing to leave the warm and lively Beijing to complain in this desolate realm! Xu Zhimo was very sad when he arrived in Berlin.Thinking that Tagore was still sick in Italy, he was even more worried. He wrote to Lu Xiaoman that day that unfortunately Zhang Youyi, a 3-year-old child, only had a handful of ashes left.It was miserable when she waited for him with two lines of tears.I heard that Tagore was also sick in the south, so he wanted to go and have a look as soon as possible, for fear that the old man might be wrong.When he comes back to Europe, isn't it the old and the young?And he was deeply afraid that this omen was not good. After arriving in London from Berlin, Xu Zhimo left Lu Xiaoman for nearly a month, and did not receive any letter from Lu Xiaoman.His nostalgia grew day by day.On the same day, he wrote a letter to Lu Xiaoman. In the letter, he complained that Lu Xiaoman didn't write in early: "I haven't received half a word from China until now; I'm afraid I will lose it. I'm really anxious. I think others may not have a letter." , Xiaoman, you should have it, but I don’t know when I will get your letter!” But complaining is nothing but complaining, Xu Zhimo still misses Lu Xiaoman very much: “I still dream about going back to Beijing every night, ten times I have seen you nine times, and every time, the situation is always sad." "One day I want to buy a ticket to go to India immediately to pay off my wish; I also want to go back to China immediately, maybe I have the opportunity to go to Xiaolin with you Going deep into the summer is better than being a hooligan in Europe." Since Xu Zhimo was out of his mind every day, Zhang Youyi, who was traveling with him, made fun of him, saying that Xu Zhimo only came to Europe with a pair of legs, and that his "heart" has other uses, and that his stomach I never brought them because Xu Zhimo has a bad appetite! Xu Zhimo, who was patiently waiting for Tagore in Europe, misses Lu Xiaoman every day. On June 26, he wrote a letter to Lu Xiaoman from Paris: "When I think of you, my only treasure, all my bones and flesh turn into water-like tenderness, flowing towards you. I really wish I could cut you open." Open my chest, put my love in the warmest part of my heart, and don’t let you suffer from the slightest wind and frost, and don’t let you be contaminated by the slightest dust. Man, I hold you, kiss you, Do you think?" "Your love, a little bit of consonance across thousands of miles, is simply my life, and all the treasures in the world can't buy this kind of immortal sincerity. —— If I die today, I am I want to take your love for me to the grave, and I am proud of being a ghost! You don’t need to tell me again, I believe in your complete love, I believe in you, like I believe in my parents, I believe in myself, and I believe in the sun in the sky Not only that, you have already become a part of my soul, your shadow is in my shadow, your voice is in my voice, and your heart is in my heart; fish cannot live without water, man cannot live without oxygen; I cannot Without your love." What worries Xu Zhimo the most is Lu Xiaoman's illness.Lu Xiaoman's health was inherently bad, and if he was not in a good mood, he would easily fall ill. Therefore, during the trip to Europe, he would ask about Lu Xiaoman's illness with concern in almost every letter. Letter to Lu Xiaoman on April 7: "Xiaoman, how are you doing? How is your body? I am most afraid of your heartbeat disease. You know that every day when you get sick, my heart seems to drop." Plus Lu Xiaoman fell seriously ill on May 21, and Xu Zhimo, who was far away in Europe, was even more worried. In his letter to Xiaoman on May 27, he wrote anxiously: "W (that is, Hu Shi)'s letter is Twenty-three, it was the second day you joined the Union. He said that he would write to me after the doctor reported his condition "tomorrow". People! Calling back is of course a comfort, otherwise how could I have a peaceful life these days? The telegram only said 'everything is safe', at least you can be sure that you are not in danger, but what is your condition? Is the treatment effective after entering the hospital? Have you been discharged from the hospital at this time? Have you been able to act as usual? I am so anxious to know, but I don’t want to know, how awkward! Xiaoman: It’s hard for you this time, I think you must miss me very much during your illness, you Did you cry? I think there must be, because when I go to bed here and can’t fall asleep for a while, I call Man. If Man refuses to agree to me, I feel a little sad. What’s more, you are sick? If I had known you had this disease, I would have You should not leave Beijing, I am always afraid that you will fall ill, but I always hope that you can escape, who knows that you still suffer the same, why don't you wait for me to get sick when I am by your side?" Xu Zhimo couldn't return to China for a while, but he missed Lu Xiaoman very much.Therefore, he misses Lu Xiaoman's letter every day. On June 25th, in a letter to Lu Xiaoman, he expressed his feelings waiting for the letter in Europe: "Dragon, I miss you so much, if you don't save me, who will save me? Why do you send so few letters? Pen so lazy? I know you can't keep busy at home, your family bothers you, your friends bother you, and you get tired when it's quiet; but you know it's easy to live there, me lonely ghost Here, I hang my heart there and can’t get it back. On average, I can’t expect a letter a month. Can you blame me for complaining? Dragon, the time has come. This is the time for us, you and me, to take care of ourselves. There is no time to perfuse people anymore. Now the time has come, you and I should no longer be afraid of offending people—hmph, let alone offending people, when necessary, the world will smash him!" Lu Xiaoman's letters are always very sparse. Xu Zhimo, who misses Lu Xiaoman, is very anxious, but Xu Zhimo can't return to Beijing immediately. How to solve this dilemma?It happened that Hu Shi wanted to come to Europe at that time, and Xu Zhimo wanted Lu Xiaoman and Hu Shi to come to Europe together. He wrote to Lu Xiaoman on May 27: "My last letter asked you to come to Europe with W (that is, Hu Shi), you Have you thought about it carefully? This is a big key to your life. As the saying goes, there is nothing more enjoyable than a sharp knife. I don’t want you to hesitate anymore. God helps those who can help themselves. As long as you stand up, someone is there for you Lead the way." Seeing no reply from Lu Xiaoman, on June 25th, Xu Zhimo, who was so anxious, wrote another letter to urge him: "Long Er, have you read my letter seriously? Why haven't you come back? If you understand me, you will Me, then you must not allow yourself to spend half a day in a daze again; I dare not force you to do this or that, but if the love between you and me is real, then it must have power, power to break All obstacles, even if we have to cross the sea of ​​​​death, our souls must be united together - love gives us courage, courage is success, great sacrifices are necessary to gain great gains, and the determination to make great sacrifices is the only way to enter the realm of love channel.” “The day you decide is the day when our ideal will succeed—I’m waiting for your signal.” But how could Lu Xiaoman leave Beijing for Europe at that time?For one thing, Lu Xiaoman, who is weak, has just suffered a serious illness due to missing Xu Zhimo and the pressure of her family, and her body is not suitable for her to travel far.In addition, because the love affair with Xu Zhimo has been known by the family, in order to prevent their daughter from doing something offensive, the conservative Lu Ding and his wife have strengthened the supervision and control of Lu Xiaoman.Unable to escape, Lu Xiaoman had no choice but to write a letter to Xu Zhimo, explaining to him his physical condition and some situations at home.After Xu Zhimo received Lu Xiaoman's letter, he learned about Lu Xiaoman's life in Beijing. On June 26, Xu Zhimo sent a letter to Lu Xiaoman: "I knew you were sick in Feilengcui, and I was so anxious. Fortunately, Shizhi called me back, so I was a little relieved. But your illness is serious. I didn't know the details until I read your letter from May 19th to 21st today. It's really hard for you, my dear! It's really hard for you. But don't worry, although I didn't do my best this time, Because I'm not by your side, I see that privilege is being enjoyed by others; but don't worry, I love you! I will have a way to make up for my shortcomings in the future." "I decided on my trip within a few days, I wanted to wait for you Call before leaving. Now I can’t wait to see things, I may come. But at the same time, we must be cautious, extremely cautious, we can no longer make jokes for the society with grimaces, and we must have wisdom if we have courage. My plan is already in place. gone." On July 14, Xu Zhimo received a telegram from Lu Xiaoman urging him to return to China.Hearing his lover's call, he didn't care about waiting for Tagore, packed his luggage, and hurried back to Beijing.