Chapter 17 Part II An ideal "communicator" for a man who believes in feelings

I sent Tagore away, but left behind my worries.The most exciting time for Xu Zhimo to come to China due to Tagore has also passed. Bored and frustrated, Xu Zhimo and Zhang Xinhai met in Lushan Mountain.For nearly a month and a half here, Xu Zhimo had the opportunity to talk to nature, and also had time to translate Tagore's speeches and poems. During a walk, Zhang Xinhai persuaded Xu Zhimo who was extremely lonely again.Xu Zhimo's appearance all day made Zhang Xinhai unable to be happy.Zhang Xinhai said to him: "You are such a lover, you can't live without the comfort of a woman for a moment. Once you have an ideal woman in your heart, you will immediately be full of ideas. Without a woman, you will be lost all day long." Xu Zhimo said seriously: "Without women, how can there be life? Without life, where can I find poetry and beauty? I was born to love beauty. Where is beauty? In nature, what is the most beautiful in nature is women! Women are God's most proud work. I am not a fairy. I admit that my love for women has an element of lust. But more importantly, that beautiful woman is entrusted with my ideal of "love, freedom, and beauty" .”

After returning to Beijing, Xu Zhimo found Ling Shuhua, the ideal "correspondent".Ling Shuhua already has a sweetheart, Chen Xiying, but the romantic poet Xu Zhimo needs comfort, transcendence, and confiding. In August, in the pain of a broken relationship, Xu Zhimo began to communicate with Ling Shuhua for two months, pouring out the sadness and depression in his heart. Xu Zhimo mentioned in the letter "To Ling Shuhua" that Ling Shuhua said that she was born unfit to be a lady in a big house, and she wanted to cover her ears when she heard about human affairs, but the sound of the wind and birds made her happy. This is also a way of saying no. Export the distressed bar.People like Xu Zhimo who often visit abroad sometimes feel homesick.But when he got home, he wanted to ask for leave again. He felt that the world was too far away from him, and it didn't matter.Let's just talk about his dear mother, she just draws circles when she speaks, at first she complains about her father's behavior, then she is the parent's fault, and then it's her father again.Xu Zhimo believes that mother's words must be listened to patiently, and sometimes they are very interesting and have unique insights.For example, his mother's metaphors and "old sayings" are quite a lot, and sometimes they are quite colorful, but Xu Zhimo always hopes that the scope of her conversations will be slightly relaxed.But that's only the negative side, it hurts when he wants to speak his own words.His parents heard that his words were all in foreign languages. If they didn't call Xu Zhimo crazy, he would feel that they were saving face for him.As a result, Xu Zhimo swallowed what he had said in his stomach.For example, in August and September of 1923, Xu Zhimo was forcibly held back by his parents at home and refused to let him leave.Xu Zhimo had no choice but to beg to live alone in the ghost den at the foot of the mountain.That past month was quite promising, and I enjoyed it myself, watching sheep grazing, watching dogs fight, watching the shadow of pagodas in the dew on a rainy day, sitting on the "Immortal Rock" to watch the moon, and listening to night owls and owls in front of the temple. The wonderful music of the night monk ensemble, or go to the stage to chat with the beggar who lives in the house-everything is interesting, as long as you don’t get close to people, especially decent ones.Speaking of this time, Lushan Mountain is really beautiful, with red leaves, white clouds, snow scene, cold starry night, various bird sounds, and perhaps the blessing to listen to the roar of wild friends.This is really fascinating, at least a small part of his soul is still left by the Qixian Bridge under Wulao Peak.Near Sandiejian, there is a Hanbilou, a fellow of Xu Zhimo's. He forgot whose library it is. When there are quite good guests, the owner may stay.If they can go there for a few days, as long as they bring more poetry, paper, paper, tea and cigarettes, and leave the whole world of mortals alone, wouldn't the gods be envious!

Xu Zhimo admitted that with Ling Shuhua, he talked too much.He said: "It's strange to say, my chatterbox is open for you, whether you are interested in listening or not, I have never spoken so fluently as I am with you, I can grow so fast if I don't believe in it, this must be Teacher X Give it to me, thank you." Xu Zhimo also writes long letters to others, but he always feels unnatural, the writing is not smooth, and he is not free in his heart. It is not pure joy to speak or write a letter.It’s different for Ling Shuhua, “I’m not afraid of you, because you understand, you understand because your eyes can see through the words, so my tongue enjoys a real liberation, I have that little wit, and I can’t stop reading from the bottom of my heart It pours into the blood, from the lungs to the fingertips, from the fingertips to the tip of the pen, dripping on the white paper to become black characters, the most natural and free, this is really happiness." Xu Zhimo thinks that writing home letters is the most difficult, compared to writing The exam papers are still difficult, and I just don't know what to write with the pen in hand - except greeting his mother or asking his father for money!

Xu Zhimo regards writing letters to Ling Shuhua as a kind of free expression of emotion, and the two can also be in love with each other in the letters. The quiet Ling Shuhua is really a confidante. In another letter to Ling Shuhua, Xu Zhimo thanked Ling Shuhua, who had a pure heart of charity, for agreeing to be his "correspondent" often.He said: You are willing to use your quiet humor or humor to moisten the dry ropes of my dwelling, I only have clay heads!I'm just afraid that I'm a rough person, who doesn't look forward and backward when I speak, and easily offends people without guarding against it; I'm also an emotional person, sometimes when I encounter a touch, I can't guarantee that I can't vomit as much as I want, let alone the digestibility of the recipient how!I have so many bad tempers that I can't tell them all at once.At the same time I want to tell you the truth. ××, since you are so sincere, sincere and chivalrous.I'm a stuffy person, and you probably know what I mean.All my life I just want to find an ideal "correspondent". I once wrote a diary, full of willful and foreign emotions.But it doesn't last long every time.Man is a social animal, and unless he is a superman, he is unreasonable. No one can suffocate the struggling spirituality in a rigid shell.A diary is a kind of boring extreme thinking (what I call a diary is certainly not a colorless daily life note).The most satisfying and ideal way out is to have a friend who can truly understand, tolerate, and melt.That friend is really hard to come by.It is easy to have simple sympathy, but it is difficult to be tolerant and melt. ... I wrote so much that I myself forgot what I was talking about!In short, I am the most grateful and the happiest for your gentle kindness. I am afraid that I am worthless and cannot bear the time and energy you spent on me!

The relationship between Xu Zhimo and his friend's girlfriend Ling Shuhua can only be guessed from the letters.Xu Zhimo, who has been looking for a confidant all his life in the vast crowd, said: "I have to believe that the essence of life is good or evil, beauty or ugliness, love or hate; this may be my ideal self-deception, but even if I know it is self-deception , You have to lie to this deception, except when you really can't deceive yourself. Otherwise, why am I panting?"