Chapter 31 in a white world

It is only those who are tossing and turning sick that feel the bleakness of spring.This kind of bleakness is different from the wind sweeping the fallen leaves in autumn.Those colors gradually brighten up from the gray, as if every flower and every leaf foretells something. Lin Huiyin was too sick to get out of bed these days. The 65-year-old mother was not in good health, and she had to struggle to cook for Huiyin's two children and decoct medicine for Huiyin.Lin Huiyin feels that every day is as long as a century. The baby inserted a bouquet of budding apricot flowers on the desk for her, and she watched the whole process of its opening and falling almost from beginning to end.Only at such moments did she feel that time was short and cold.She collected the withered petals one by one into a glass bottle. The debris of those days, with a faint fragrance left, they fell from the branches to the table, and all the colors faded away.

The eldest cousin Wang Mengyu came to visit her from Shanghai. At this meeting, the eldest cousin was much older, and Lin Huiyin could hardly recognize her.The eldest cousin in Lin Huiyin's memory seems to always be the girl with a long braid. Lin Huiyin spent her childhood with her eldest cousin at her grandfather's house in Shanghai.The eldest cousin is eight years older than her, with a pair of bright eyes embedded in her chubby face.After the death of her grandfather, she separated from her eldest cousin and moved to Beijing with her mother. When Zhang Xun was restored, she moved to Hongdao, the British Concession in Tianjin.That year, the second mother, Cheng Guilin, was suffering from pleurisy and was in Beijing for medical treatment. Her father was also busy with official duties and could not take care of the family in Tianjin, so she invited her eldest aunt to take care of household chores, and her eldest cousin came with her.After the cousin arrived, Mr. Chen, the tutor, also began to give lectures. When Mr. Chen taught Lin Huiyin Tang poetry, the eldest cousin sometimes came to listen.

The last time Lin Huiyin saw her eldest cousin was in 1934 when they went to Xuanping in southern Zhejiang for inspection. When they came back, they passed by Shanghai and met in a hurry. The eldest cousin hardly recognized Lin Huiyin.After she received the letter, she knew that Huiyin was seriously ill, and boarded the train going north anxiously. The eldest cousin lived in Beiping for half a month, and the two of them looked at each other more often without saying anything.However, it seems that I have finished what I have been saying for many years.The eldest cousin is still so simple, always silently helping her mother with some housework and lightening Huiyin's burden.Until the eldest cousin left, Huiyin had a lot to say in her heart, but she never said it.That morning, Huiyin was unable to get out of the sick bed, but looked at the back of the eldest cousin leaving through the window. The eldest cousin did not look back. Lin Huiyin knew that it was because she was afraid that she would see those tearful eyes.

That night, Lin Huiyin couldn't sleep no matter what, she took a piece of paper casually, and poured all the things she wanted to say to her eldest cousin but didn't say, and all the infinite desolation on the manuscript paper: When I go, there are still unfinished words, Like the tea left in the cup after the guest left; While talking, the opportunity to drink together has been missed, The host and guest are sad, but there is no need to regret it. If a little sentimental, you turn your face out of the window, When the setting sun is about to end, there is always a sunset glow in the western sky.

All little nostalgia is not a sin, It is also normal to have unfinished songs. You forgive me for having a bunch of mental dodges, Admitted at dusk, denied until dawn; Some things I haven't said yet, The understanding of others comes from intuitive understanding. When I go, there are still unfinished words, Like time suspended in the air after a clock has struck, You have reason to wait for a better continuation; You have reason to be afraid of sudden termination. But forgive me, my words can never be complete, Emotional contradictions from ancient times to the present have made hoarseness.

After writing the poem "To My Eldest Sister", Lin Huiyin seemed to have completed a kind of farewell and ended her attachment to life, and she felt more regretful. In these depressing days, writing poems is her only consolation, as if only with poems can she finish all the words in her heart.She wrote a lot during these days, and each poem is a reflection of her state of mind at that time.Such as "Six O'Clock in the Afternoon", "Exhibition", "Little Poem", "Bad Mind" and so on. She wrote about the helplessness of life like this: when all the emotions

all merged into one lament Like small rivers, big rivers, converging toward The boundless sea, - whatever How rushing, how circling,— The strong wind on the river, the big and small pebbles, reverse flow Little harbor, like In that life, the unintentional tranquility escape the mainstream; emotional Pingbo became more and more sad. —— "Exhibition" She wrote about the bleakness of fate in this way: Thanks to the irony of life for mocking me, The throat that can sing is hoarse and becomes a wordless song. A veil-like emotion, originally ethereal, Now it's all covered with clumsy patches.

On the shoulders first stir up two loads of clouds, With radiance to arrange in the calm sky; Now the darkness sinks down the truth of reality, The soul and the spine of hunger will be crushed together! I dare not ask how life should be now pant!Experience wears out like the soles of old shoes, On this divergent road, stones and mud are blurred, It is still convenient to go barefoot, to recognize new hard work. ——One of "Small Poems" She writes about the haste of life: you are the river I am a boat, a small white sail When I was a traveler, You, the fields, the forests, the mountains.

no matter what, upside down intimately implicated you and me, I will pass through you forever; i survive You are the channel of my existence. Reason equal force. Your existence in the beating of my chest five-color splendor but we cross each other Did not leave each other in trouble. ………… now i'm dead you,-- I will hand you over to others! —— These days, she lives in a world of her own poetic construction.In this world, her soul can get close to those sages who premeditate death just like premeditating happiness. On the journey of the soul, the scene of the setting sun is by no means just brilliant. Lin Huiyin felt that she was already very tired from walking, and her legs could no longer bear the weight of a shadow.

There are some things that she has pursued hard all her life, and some things she has seen passing through the fingers of the years.Life is like this, when you want to look back, all the scenery has disappeared on the way you came. This summer, Liang Sicheng returned to Peiping.Over the past year, he has given lectures at Yale University in the United States, and at the same time, as a representative of Chinese architects, he has participated in the work of the advisory group of architects who designed the United Nations Building.There, he got acquainted with many authority figures of modern architecture, such as Le Corbusier, Nimeyer and so on.He also inspected the new buildings of the past twenty years, and at the same time visited the world-renowned master architects Wright Gropius, Charlene, etc.

In the United States, he met old friends Fei Zhengqing and Fei Weimei, and entrusted Fei Weimei to publish the "Illustrated Catalog of Chinese Architectural History" written in English when he was in Lizhuang. However, due to the high printing cost, he could not find it. publisher. In 1948, Liu, a student studying in Britain, brought the manuscript to Malaysia in order to write his graduation thesis.It was not until 1979 that this manuscript was retrieved after many attempts, and it was published in the United States in 1984, which received extremely high praise. When Liang Sicheng received the news that Lin Huiyin was seriously ill, he hurriedly ended his lectures and returned home early. Lin Huiyin's lung disease was at an advanced stage, and the tuberculosis had transferred to the kidneys. An operation was needed. Due to the weather and low fever, he also needed to rest and prepare for the operation. For Lin Huiyin, this period of time is the most difficult. After Liang Sicheng returned to China, he resumed his role as a nurse and spent as much time as possible with her except for giving lectures.Among the gifts he bought for Huiyin and his relatives and friends in the United States, the most appreciated is the Crosley car, which has become a gift from Lin Huiyin. She can be easily taken to visit friends or bring friends to see her . After the cool autumn, Lin Huiyin's physical condition improved, and she was placed in the Central Hospital of Xisi Pailou, which is an outstanding creation of architecture in the Republic of China.It is a four-story building integrating the styles of the Republic of China, Yuan Shikai and Baroque.In this white world, white clothes, white hats, white ceilings, white walls, life is stagnant in this white world, there is no flow, no excitement, only this white dazzling silence, suffering soul.She couldn't say no to these.Now she feels how much she needs a hand to slightly block her despair from fate.However, life is like two clocks running inconsistently. The inner one is running without restraint, while the outer one has long since stopped.She didn't know what else she had besides these two worlds divided from each other. Although she is no stranger to this white torment. During this period, she wrote "Bad Minds": In my sickness, thus entwined with care and care, Like a cold northwest wind blowing from the desert wasteland, Gradually blowing into the garbage dumps in the streets and alleys at dusk; Seeking comfort in musty crumbs, Himself horrified at the wreckage of everything consumed, Little by little, they raise terrible dust for others! Blowing away memories like old newspapers wandering here and there, Fragmented records only upside-down reminders of past turmoil. Extra reason is like a hungry wild dog Chasing empty cans and bones like that, chasing lonely chewing human sentimentality; life can't say anything yet, There are already so many scums before my eyes! I hope: the wind has stopped; the mood will be like a light snow tonight, Silent white lightly falls to the ground; Each snowflake has a kindness of patience towards oneself and others, Layer by layer to hide the bad, broken and painful; In the light of the beautiful tomorrow morning, there is no need for anxiety,-- When despair is coming, it is simply the cruel cold snap after the snow! This bad mood haunted her all the time.She faintly felt that the road of life seemed to have come to an end, and only then did she feel the strength of the hand of fate.It seemed that she had expected such an ending for a long time.Life is like a circle, starting from one point, and eventually returning to that point, no one can escape this gravitational force. The fire of inflation is still spreading silently and fiercely, and the vegetables on the market are almost extinct. Occasionally, a few potato picks will be snapped up immediately.In order to make up for Lin Huiyin, Liang Sicheng drove to a suburban county a hundred miles away, and after walking around for a long time, he was able to buy a chicken. On October 4, Lin Huiyin wrote to his friend Fei Weimei who was far away across the ocean, saying: Let me tell you why I came to the hospital.take it easy.I'm here for an overhaul.It's just patching up parts here and there, in our construction jargon, plugging a few leaks or installing a few window screens.Yesterday evening, a large group of interns, young residents of the hospital, came to review my medical records with me, as if reviewing the history of the two world wars.We drew up plans (as Fairbank used to do) and formed groups about my eyes, teeth, lungs, kidneys, recipes, entertainment, or philosophy.Minutiae, all-inclusive, so as many conclusions were drawn as any major conference on the state of the world today.At the same time, a lot of work has begun to check which parts and which parts are problematic, and all modern technical means must be used.If tuberculosis is not cooperating now, sooner or later it should.This is the original logic of things. The day before the operation in December of this year, Hu Shizhi, Zhang Xiruo, Liu Dunzhen, Yang Zhensheng, Shen Congwen, Chen Mengjia, Mo Zongjiang, Chen Mingda and many other friends came to see her in the hospital and said some words of encouragement and comfort. Just in case, Lin Huiyin wrote a farewell letter to Fei Weimei: Goodbye, my dearest Wei Mei.If you would come down suddenly and send me a bouquet of flowers, and a whole lot of nonsense and laughter. Before pushing onto the operating table, she gave Liang Sicheng a speechless smile. She was lying under the shadowless lamp, but saw the prolonged shadow of fate.She seemed to feel that she was going to a very distant place, along a tunnel and into a cave, surrounded by chaos. After an unknown amount of time, she faintly heard the sound of metal vessels colliding.