Chapter 26 Chapter Ten-3

In the midst of my fleeting good luck, a disaster that would mark the end of my good luck was already brewing.Not long after my return to Mont-Louis, I made a new acquaintance there, also, as usual, quite involuntarily.This Xinjiao has epoch-making significance in my history. People can judge whether it is a blessing or a curse after reading the following.I am referring to my neighbour, the Marchioness de Verdeland, whose husband has just acquired a villa in Sauisy, not far from Montmorency.She was Miss Dales, the daughter of the Earl of Dales, a man of high rank, but very poor; Miss Dales married M. Verdeland, who was old, ugly, and Deaf, stern, rough, jealous, with a knife wound on his face, and blind in one eye, but he's a good guy at bottom, if you can get his temper; he's got fifteen thousand or two Wanli Wuer's annuity, she was married to this annuity.This little creature cursed and yelled and raged all the time, and made his wife cry all day long, but in the end he did what she wanted him to do, and it still pissed her off, because she wanted him to admit that he wanted her to. He did what he did, not what she asked him to do.Mr. Marchancy, already mentioned, was a friend of the wife, and later became a friend of the husband.For several years he had let them his Margins, near Aubernais and Antilly; they were living there when I fell in love with Mme d'Houdetot.Madame d'Houdetot and Madame Verdrin were known to each other by their mutual friend, Madame Dauberscher; since Madame d'Houdetot was to go for a walk on Mount Olympus, her favorite place, she had to wear a Because she had to pass the Marchancy Gardens, Madame Verdrin gave her a key so that she could pass.With this key I have often walked through the gardens with her, but I do not like to meet any unexpected people, and when we happen to meet Mrs. Verdeland, I let them talk together. , without talking to her, just kept walking forward.This inattentive attitude must not have left a good impression on her.However, as soon as she lived in Sauvasi, she still came to her door.She came to visit me at Mont-Louis, but she didn't see me several times. Seeing that I didn't return to pay her respects, she gave me some pots of flowers to decorate the platform, forcing me to pay her respects.I must thank her: that's how we got on.

From the very beginning, this exchange was full of turmoil, as is the case with all involuntary exchanges.There was never really peace in my dealings with her, and Madame Verdeland's temperament was too alien to me.Her one-liners and sarcasm come off the tongue, and you have to keep paying attention -- which is nerve-wracking for me -- to feel when you're being teased by her.A trifle that comes to mind now will suffice to illustrate the point.Her brother had just been assigned command of a destroyer, cruising the seas against the British.I shall speak of how the destroyer was armed without prejudice to her lightness. "Yes," she said, in the most flat tone, "as long as you have enough guns for battle." I seldom heard her speak kindly of her friends behind her back without a hint of sarcasm.She thought everything was either bad or ridiculous, and her friend Marchancy was not immune to it.I think there's one more annoying thing about her, which is that she'll give you a message, a present, and a note, which is so annoying that I have to rack my brains to answer, yes. Xie still refused, which made me really embarrassed.However, since I saw her so often, I finally developed feelings for her.She has her troubles, and I have mine.Confiding our hearts to each other made our solitary conversations interesting, and nothing unites heart to heart more sweetly than the sweet taste of two people weeping together.We both managed to meet and comfort each other, a need that has often led me to forgive many things.In addition to being sincere and frank with her, I was also rude at times and had no respect for her character.And then it took a great deal of respect for her to believe that she sincerely forgave me.I also wrote to her sometimes, and the following is a sample; she never showed the slightest displeasure in replying to such letters.

at Montmorency, November 5, 1760 You told me, Madame, that you did not speak clearly, only to make me realize that my words were not expressive.You tell me you're stupid just to make me feel stupid.You boast that you are just an honest person, as if you are afraid that others will really believe you are an honest person after hearing what you say, and you apologize to me just to let me know that I should apologize to you.Yes, ma'am, I know well that I am the fool, and I am the honest, and, if possible, worse; I am not good at words, and I cannot make a man who is so conscious of words and good at words as you are A beautiful French lady liked it.However, please also consider that I use words and sentences in the ordinary sense of the language, and I do not know or want to imitate the refined use of words in the virtuous societies of Paris.If I sometimes use an ambiguous word, I always try to determine its meaning by my actions, etc.

The rest of the letter is almost in the same tone.Please read the reply to this letter (Ding Zha, No. 41), please see how unbelievably tactful a woman's heart is, and she has no objection to such a letter, not only in There was nothing revealed in this reply letter, and there was never any expression even in person.Couender was very good at cheating, he was too bold to be ashamed, he cheated on all my friends, and soon went to Madame Verdeland's house in my name, and soon ran faster than me in her house. It was still hot, and even I was kept in the dark.This Kuander is really a weird guy.He went to the homes of all my close friends in my name, took root as soon as he went, and started to eat without politeness.He served me with great enthusiasm, and always talked of me with tears in his eyes; but when he came to see me, he kept secret about all these connections, and all that he knew would interest me.He doesn't tell me what he has heard, said, or seen about me, but instead listens to me and even asks me.He never knew anything about Paris except what I told him; in short, although everyone talked about him in my presence, he never talked about anyone in front of me: only in the presence of my friend did he know. It is treacherous and mysterious.But leave Couender and Madame Verdeland aside for the time being, and we will talk about it later.

Not long after my return to Mont-Louis, the painter Latour came to see me, and brought with him the portrait he had painted of me in pastel, which he had exhibited in the Salon some years before.He tried to give me the portrait, but I didn't accept it.But Madame d'Epinay had sent me her portrait, and wanted it, and asked me to ask him for it.He spent some more time tweaking the image.It was during this time that I broke with Madam d'Epinay, and I returned her portrait to her; and since it was no longer possible to give her my portrait, I put it in my room in the little mansion. hung up.Mr. Luxembourg saw it and thought it was a good painting; I expressed my willingness to present it as a gift.He accepted it, and I sent someone to give it to him.Both he and the marshal's wife knew that I was very happy to have their portraits.They had two very fine miniatures made, set in a gold-encrusted candy box of solid crystal, and I was overjoyed to present this most elegantly made present to me.Madame de Luxembourg refused to have her portrait glued to the box.She accused me many times of loving Monsieur Luxembourg more than she; I never denied it, because it was true.She used this way of putting portraits to show me very tactfully but clearly that she had not forgotten my preference.

At about the same time I committed another folly which did not help me to maintain her favor.Although I did not know Monsieur Siruette, and had no intention of loving him, I admired his administration.When he began to strike at financiers, I saw that the time for his drastic action was not favorable, but I did not therefore wish him no less warmly for success.When I heard of his transfer, it was with a fit of rashness that I wrote him the following letter, which, of course, I do not now wish to defend. At Montmorency, December 2, 1759 Accept, sir, the homage of a recluse whom you do not know, but who admires you for your talents, who admires you for your administration, who anticipated your incumbency by admiring you not for long.You can't save the country without weakening the capital of the country, so you ignored the clamor of those mercenaries.At first, I saw you beating up those big villains, and I really envied you for having great power; now, I see you resign without changing your original intention, and I admire you very much.You are proud, sir, that your office has left you with a reputation that will serve you long without competition.The curses of the wicked constitute the glory of the just.

Madame de Luxembourg, who knew I had written this letter, talked to me about it during my trip at Easter; I showed her the letter, and she wanted a copy, which I gave her. .But when I handed her the copy, I had no idea that she was also one of those mercenaries whose concern for the tax bureau had caused Siruette to be transferred.People have seen so many follies of mine that it has been said that I was trying to incite the hatred of me for no reason in an amiable and powerful woman against whom, to be honest, although I Because of being stupid and stupid, he did everything that caused him to fall out of favor, but he became more attached to her every day, and he never wanted to fall out of favor in front of her.I believe it is unnecessary to add now that the story of M. Tronchant's opiates which I told in the first part concerned her, and that the other lady was Madame de Mirepoix.Neither of them ever spoke of it to me again, nor did they seem to take it to heart.But I find it difficult to say that Madame de Luxembourg could really forget about it, even if you have no idea of ​​what happened afterwards.As for myself, I was still complacent about the possible consequences of my follies, for I knew that no folly was ever done to offend her, and I did not know that a woman never forgives. Such stupid things, even if they know that these stupid things are never done on purpose.

And yet, though she appeared to see and feel nothing, and though I had not yet detected a diminution in her attentions or a change in her attitude, there was a well-founded feeling which not only continued but was growing. Forebodings made me constantly dread that her affection for me would soon turn into disgust.Can I expect such a noble lady to have a constancy that will stand the test of my clumsiness in maintaining it?I wouldn't even try to hide it from her, this stuffy foreboding that made me uneasy, even more sullen than ever.The reader will see from the following letter that this letter contains a very peculiar prophecy.

My draft of this letter is not dated, but it was written in October 1760 at the latest. ... How cruel is your hospitality!Why do you disturb the tranquility of a man who has left behind the pleasures of life in order not to feel the troubles of life?I've spent my entire life looking for solid friendships, to no avail.I have never been able to form this kind of friendship in any social status that I have been able to achieve before. Should I still seek it in your social status?Neither power nor advantage attracts me; I have no ambition nor fear; I can resist anything but caresses.Why are you both attacking me from a weakness that should be overcome?In such a disparity of positions as between us, no natural flow of tenderness will bind my heart to you.Is gratitude enough for a heart that does not know that there are two ways to communicate, but can only feel friendship?Friendship, Madame Marshal!This is where my misfortune lies!To you, to Monsieur Marshal, it is a fine term to use, but I would be too foolish to believe it.You wait for leisurely games, but I am deeply in love.And the end of the game prepared a lot of new regrets for me.How I hate all those titles you guys have.And how I regret that you have so many titles!I think you are so deserving of the joys of private life!Why don't you live in Clarence!If you lived there, I would go there to find my happiness in life.But what Montmorency and what Luxembourg!Should one see Jean-Jacques in a place like this?A man who loves equality, who has a heart full of affection, who repays the respect shown to him with love, and thinks that what is paid is equivalent to what is received, can send the love of such a heart to such a place. ?I know, and have seen, that you are kind and affectionate, and I regret that I did not believe it sooner, but in your position, in your way of life, nothing can give a lasting The impression that so many new things cancel each other out too easily, and none of them can stay.Madame, you will forget me after you have made it impossible for me to imitate you.You have caused most of my misfortunes, so you cannot be forgiven.

I drew M. Luxembourg with her in my letter, in order that she would not feel too severe what I said; besides, I was too relieved of M. Luxembourg to have any doubts about the durability of his friendship. Thoughts never moved.The apprehension I felt from Madame de Luxembourg never, for a moment, extended to him.I know that he is weak, but he is very reliable, and I have never mistrusted him.I am no more afraid that his heart will suddenly grow cold, any more than I can expect heroic feelings from his heart.The simplicity and intimacy in our relationship shows how much we trust each other.Both of us were right: I will always revere and love this virtuous and noble man as long as I live; Death is my friend, as if I heard his dying words.

When they came to Montmorency for the second time in 1760, when "Julie" was finished, I prayed for the reading of "Emile" so that I could stay in the presence of Madame de Luxembourg, but The reading of this book was not so successful, perhaps the subject matter was not to her liking, or perhaps she was bored by reading too much.However, since she always blamed me for being willing to be cheated by those booksellers, this time she asked me to give the book to her to try to get it printed, so that I could earn a few more money.I agreed, but on the express condition that it should not be printed in France.That is, on this point we have been arguing for a long time; for my part, I think it is impossible to obtain acquiescence, and it would be imprudent to even ask for it, and I would not let it be printed in the kingdom without acquiescence; It is said that under the system that the government had adopted at that time, there would be no difficulty in even formal censorship.She managed to get M. Maleserbes to agree with her, and he wrote me a long letter on the matter, explaining that the Confessions of the Archdeacon of Savoy are a book that can be read everywhere. Appreciated works.Under the circumstances at the time, it was also possible to obtain the approval of the court.I was a little surprised to see that the official, who had always been so timid, became so easygoing in this matter.As a rule, a manuscript with his approval is perfectly legal to print, so I had no objection to its printing.However, due to a very serious concern, I still want my manuscript to be printed in Holland, and I have to give it to the bookseller Naom. I have not appointed a bookseller, and I have notified him directly.But I agree that this edition will be distributed by a French bookseller, and that it will be sold in Paris or anywhere else when it is printed, since I have nothing to do with this sale.This was what Madame de Luxembourg and I agreed upon, and I handed over my manuscript to her. She stayed here this time and brought her granddaughter, Miss Bouffler, who is today the Duchess of Lauzen, with her.She was called A Meili at that time, and she was a very lovely girl.She has the face of a virgin, gentle and shy.Her little face could not have been more lovely and amusing, and the emotion it aroused could have been sweeter and purer.Originally, she was still a child, not yet eleven years old.Marshal's wife thought she was too shy, and always tried to encourage her.Several times she allowed me to kiss her, and I complied with my usual sullen look.Others in my position at that time would say a lot of good things, but I stayed there like a mute, extremely embarrassed; I don't know who is the most shy, the poor little girl or me. Own.One day I met her on the stairs of the little mansion: she had just gone to see Theresa, and the nurse was still talking to Theresa.I didn't know what to say to her, so I proposed to give her a kiss. She was so innocent in her heart that she didn't refuse. She was ordered by her grandmother that morning, and she had been kissed by me in front of her. A kiss.The next day, I read "Emile" aloud at the bedside of Madame Marshal, just in time for a passage where I criticized for no reason what I had done the day before.She thought I was right in that idea, and said something reasonable on the subject, which made me blush.How I cursed my incredible stupidity, which often made me look mean and guilty, when really I was just clumsy and awkward.In a man who is known to be not without wisdom, such stupidity may even be considered a feigned excuse.I can swear that in this possibly reproachable kiss, as in all others, Miss Amelie's heart and senses were not purer than mine; and I could even swear that if I could have avoided her , I will avoid her, not because I don't like to see her, but because I can't find a nice word to say to her temporarily, so I feel embarrassed.A man who is not even afraid of the king's power, can a child make him cowardly?What should I do?What should I do if I don't even have the ability to adapt to the situation in my mind?If I force myself to talk to the people I meet, I'm bound to say something stupid.If I don’t say anything, I’m a cynic, a feral beast, a bear.It would have been to my advantage to be a complete idiot; but what I lacked in communication turned what I had into instruments of my destruction. Just at the end of this stay, Madame de Luxembourg did a good deed, in which I also participated.Diderot was very careless and offended Mr. Luxembourg's daughter, Princess Roebeck.Barlissot was the one she protected, and took revenge on her with the comedy "The Philosophers."In this comedy, I was made fun of, and Diderot was terribly ridiculed.The author was a little more perfunctory, not because he was grateful to me, but because he knew that his protector's father loved me very much and was afraid of offending him.The bookseller Duchesne, whom I did not know at the time, sent me a copy of the play when it was published, and I suspect it was at the behest of Barlissot, who presumably thought I had seen a man I had lost my friendship attacked. I must feel very happy in my heart.In fact, his calculation was wrong.I believe that Diderot's intentions to harm people are relatively small, mainly due to his laxness and weakness. Therefore, although I broke up with him, I still have a deep nostalgia for him in my heart, and even a heart of admiration for him, and I have great respect for us. The old friendship still maintains the meaning of attaching importance to it, because I know that our old friendship, on his side as on my side, has been sincere for a long time.Grimm was quite different, he was a hypocrite, he never loved me, he never loved anyone at all, he had no reason to complain, it was all for the satisfaction of his sinful jealousy, under the mask. Under cover and willingly, I became my cruelest slanderer.Grimm has since ceased to exist for me, and Diderot has remained my old friend.I was so agitated by this hideous play, and the more I talked about it, the more I suffered, that I returned it to Duchesne without finishing it, enclosing the following letter: At Montmorency, May 21, 176 Sir, I have looked over this play you have sent me, and am horrified to see that I am praised in it.I do not accept this odious giveaway.I'm sure you didn't mean to insult me ​​when you gave it to me; but you don't know, or you forget, that I had the honor of being friends with a respectable man who is so basely insulted in this slander , Slandered. Duchesne showed the letter to the public.Diderot should have been moved by this letter, but instead was greatly annoyed.His pride could not forgive me for showing my superiority over him in this gallant manner.At the same time, I know that his wife is still throwing my temper everywhere, and her words are vicious, but I am not very angry, because I know that everyone knows that she is a hot person. It was Diderot's turn to take revenge, and he found the Abbe Morlait to be a good avenger; the Abbe Morlait, in imitation of the Minor Prophets, wrote a short essay attacking Barlissot, entitled "The Sleep Talk."He was so careless in this work that he offended Madame Roebeck, whose friends managed to put him in the Bastille.Mrs. Roebeck was not vengeful by nature, and she was dying at the time, and I am convinced that she had nothing to do with the matter. D'Alembert, who was on good terms with the Abbe Morlait, wrote to me asking Madame de Luxembourg to help him release him, and promised to honor Madame de Luxembourg in the Encyclopedia as a token of his gratitude.Here is my reply: Monsieur, I did not wait for your letter to express to Madame de Luxembourg the anguish I felt at the arrest of the Abbe Morlait.She knows my interest in it, and she will know your interest in it, and she will, if she knows that the Abbe Morlaix is ​​a man of value.However, although she and Monsieur Marshal have shown me kindness, which has been my lifelong comfort, and although the name of your friend can make them look after the Abbe Morlaix, I don't know how they will use it this time. The influence their position and their character can have.I can't even believe how much this present act of vengeance has to do with the Princess of Roebeck.You seem to be imagining too much, even if the relationship is great, one should not think that the pleasure of revenge is the exclusive province of philosophers.Philosophers can be women, and women can be philosophers. I will tell you when I show Madame Luxembourg your letter and what she says to me.As far as I know her now, I believe I can assure you in advance that she will never consent to your gratitude to her in the Encyclopedia until she is willing to do her part to get the Abbe Morlait released.Although she would be proud of it, she does not do good deeds to win praise, but to satisfy her kindness. I spared no effort to incite Madame de Luxembourg's zeal and sympathy for the poor prisoner, and succeeded.She made a special trip to Versailles to see the Count Saint-Florentin; this trip shortened her stay at Montmorency.Monsieur the Marshal was obliged at the same time to leave Montmorency for Rouen, where the Assembly was in some unrest which needed to be controlled, and the King sent him there as governor of Normandy.The following is the letter that Madame Luxembourg wrote to me on the third day after her departure (Dinza, No. 2 and 3): Wednesday at Versailles Monsieur Luxembourg left at six o'clock yesterday morning.I don't know if I will go or not.I'm waiting for his letter, because he doesn't know how long he's going to be there.I saw Monsieur Saint-Florentin, who was very eager to help the Abbe Morlait, but he encountered some obstacles in this matter, which he still hoped to overcome when he saw the King next week.I begged again not to have him exiled, because the subject was being discussed at that time, and he was to be sent to Nancy.This, sir, is as far as I can get; but I assure you, I will not leave Monsieur Saint-Florentin in peace so long as the matter does not come to an end as you wish.Permit me now to tell you what a loss I have felt at leaving you so early, and I dare say you have no idea of ​​it.I love you with all my heart and with all my life. A few days later I received this note from D'Alembert, which gave me real relief (Dinza, No. 26): august 1st My dear philosopher, by your power the priest has been released from the Bastille, and his detention will have no other consequences.He is going to the country tomorrow, and joins me in sending you infinite thanks and respect. Valeetmeama (value and love me). A few days later, the priest also wrote me a thank you letter (Ding Zha, No. 29). I don’t think this thank you letter showed any kind of sincerity. He seemed to belittle the service I had done to him. .After a while, I found that D'Alembert and he seemed to have put me... I don't mean to say that they had thrown me off in front of Madame de Luxembourg, but it can be said that they had inherited my position.As much status as they gained in her heart, I lost as much status as I did in her heart.I do not, however, believe that Father Morelait had contributed to my fall from grace; I respect him too much to doubt it.As for d'Alembert, I will say nothing here for the time being, and I will talk about it later. It was at this time that another incident occurred to me which led me to write my last letter to M. Voltaire.He yelled at the letter as if it were some great insult, but he never showed it to anyone.I will add here what he has not been willing to do. I know a little, but not much, of Father Bligh, who wrote to me on June 13, 1760 (Dinza, No. 1), telling me that his friend and Forme, the correspondent, had printed in his newspaper my letter to M. Voltaire concerning the disaster in Lisbon.Father Treublay wanted to know how this letter had been printed, and, in his artful and hypocritical manner, asked my opinion on the reprinting of the letter, without giving me his own opinion.I hate this kind of slippery person the most. I should thank him or thank him, but I used a stern tone. He felt this tone, but it didn't stop him from writing to me Two or three letters until he knew all he needed to know. It was clear to me that, no matter what Treublay said, the letter that Formey found was by no means printed, but that it was originally printed by him.I know that he is a shameless plagiarist who unceremoniously uses other people's works to enrich himself, although he is not shameless enough to erase the author's name on the published book and put his own name on it, then sell it for profit Unbelievable extent.But how did this manuscript fall into his hands?That's the problem.In fact, this problem is not difficult to solve, but I was too simple-minded at the time, so I felt embarrassed to solve this problem.Although Voltaire is most admired in this letter, if I had published it without his consent, he would have had reason to complain, notwithstanding his own indecency, and I resolved to Write him a letter.Here came the second letter, to which he made no answer, but, in order to be more free to vent his violent temper, he pretended to be mad about it. at Montmorency, June 17, 1760 Sir, I did not wish to correspond with you any more, but I have heard that my letter to you in 1756 was printed in Berlin, and I cannot fail to explain my conduct to you on this point, and I I will perform this duty in good faith. Since that letter was actually addressed to you, it was never intended to be printed.I have copied it, on condition of secrecy, to three persons, to whom the privilege of friendship did not permit me to refuse such an act, and at the same time the same privilege did not permit these three to break their word, Misuse of the manuscripts they had kept in their possession.These three were Madame Chenonceau (daughter-in-law of Madame Dupin), the Countess d'Houdetot, and a German named Monsieur Grimm.Madame Chenonceau, who had wished that the letter should be printed, had asked for my permission, and I told her that the matter should be decided by you.People once asked for your consent, but if you refused, the matter will not be discussed. However, Monsieur Treublay, who had nothing to do with me, recently wrote to me, telling me with the most polite solicitude that he had received copies of M. Formé's papers, in which he had read the letter, Attached is a note from the editor, dated October 23, 1759, stating that the letter had been obtained from a Berlin workshop a few weeks earlier, and that it could not be recovered once it was lost because it was printed on loose-leaf sheets. , so I think it should be included in his newspaper. That, sir, is all I know of the matter.It is quite certain that, up to that time, the letter had not even been heard of in Paris.It is also quite certain that the manuscript, whether in manuscript or in print, which fell into M. Former's hands could only have come from you (which seems implausible) or from me. It came out of the hands of one of the three men mentioned.Last but not least, it is quite certain that the two ladies could not have committed such a breach of trust.I can't know the details in my reclusive life. You have an extensive communication network. If you think it is worth checking, it is easy to use this communication network to trace the source and find out the facts. In the same letter, M. Treublay also told me that he had kept the paper and would not lend it without my consent.Of course I would not agree, but that paper was not the only one in Paris.I wish, sir, that the letter would not be printed in Paris, and I will do my best to prevent it, but if I cannot prevent it from being printed in Paris, if I know in time that there will be a priority for printing, then I will not hesitate printed by myself.I think this is both fair and natural. As for your answer to that letter, which I have not passed to anyone, you may rest assured that it will not be printed without your consent, which I would not, of course, take the liberty of asking you for, as I Knowing that a person writes a letter to another person, not for the public to read.But if you will write another reply for publication, and send it to me, I promise to attach it faithfully to my letter office, without disputing a word. I do not love you at all, sir; I am your disciple and your ardent supporter, and you have caused me many afflictions that pain me the most.In return for your asylum in Geneva, you ruined Geneva; in return for my batting for you in front of my countrymen, you separated my countrymen from me, and it was you who made me live in my own country. I can't go on; it's you who made me die in a foreign land, and lose all the comfort that a dying person deserves.To have earned the honor of being dumped on the rubbish heap, and you have had all the honor a man could hope for in my country.In short, I hate you because you want me to hate you; but I hate you as if I were more worthy of loving you--if you want me to love you.Of all the affection for you that filled my heart, there remains only the irresistible admiration of your wonderful genius and a love of your works.If in you I can only admire your talents, it is not my fault.I shall never lose the respect which is due to your talents and the courtesy which such respect requires.Farewell, sir. Among these little literary troubles, which more and more made up my mind, I was most moved by one of the greatest honors that literature has ever bequeathed me.It is an honor that Monsieur Prince de Conti paid two visits, one to the Chateau and the other to Mont-Louis.He chose both visits when M. and Mme. de Luxembourg were away from Montmorency, so as to make it more obvious that he was looking for me exclusively.我从来也没有怀疑过，我之所以能获得这位亲王的光顾，首先是由于卢森堡夫人和布弗莱夫人的摄成；但是我也不怀疑，从那以后，亲王所不断给我的那些荣宠，都是出于他本人的情谊，并且也是由我自己招致而来的。 由于路易山的房子很小而碉楼的景色绝佳，我就把亲王领到碉楼里来了，亲王又恩宠至极，要抬举我陪他下棋。我知道他总是赢罗伦齐骑士的，而罗伦齐骑士的棋又比我高明。然而，不管骑士和旁观的人怎样向我递眼色、做鬼脸，我都只装没有看见，结果，我把我们下的两盘棋都赢了。收场时，我以恭敬却又庄重的口吻对他说：“大人，我太崇敬殿下了，以致不容许我不总是在棋上赢你。”这位伟大的亲王有才有识，不爱听阿谀奉承之词，他果然感觉到——至少我是这样想——在那种场合下只有我一人拿他当作一个普通的人看待，我有十足的理由相信他对我这一点是真正感到满意的。 即使他感到不满意，我也不会责怪自己没有对他在丝毫欺骗之心；当然，我在内心里绝对没有辜负他的盛情，关于这一点，我也是无可自责的，不过，我报答他的盛情，有时态度不很好，而他呢，对我表示盛情时却主动采取非常雅致的态度。不多几天之后，他就派人送了一篮野味给我，我敬领了。过了不久，他又派人给我送了一篮来，同时他的一个从猎武官承旨写信告诉我说，那是殿下狩猎的成绩，是他亲手打到的野味。我还是敬领了；但是我写信给布弗莱夫人说，再送，我就会不接受了。这封信受到异口同声的谴责，并且也实在是该受到谴责的。礼品只是些野味，又来自一个宗室亲王，他派人送来时又那么客气，而竟然加以拒绝，这不是一个要保持独立不羁的高尚之士所表示出来的细腻，而是一个不识身份的鲁莽之徒所表示出来的粗鄙了。我从来不能在我的函稿集里重读这一封信而不感到脸红，而不怪我不应该写。可是，我写我的，究竟不是为着讳言我的愚蠢行为的，这次的愚蠢行为太使我恨我自己了，不容我把它隐瞒起来。 如果说我没有做出另一件蠢事，变成他的情敌，那也只是差一点儿罢了。布弗莱夫人那时还是他的情妇，而我却一点也不知道。她跟罗伦齐骑士一起来看我，来得相当勤。她那时还很年青貌美，装出了一副古罗马人的派头，而我呢，又总是一副浪漫色彩；这就有点气味相投了。我几乎着了迷；我相信她看出来了，罗伦齐骑士也看出来了，至少他跟我谈起过，而且并没有叫我泄气的意思。可是，这一次我可老实了，到了五十岁也该是老实的时候了。我在《给达朗贝的信》里曾把那班人老心不老的胡子佬教训了一番，现在还言犹在耳呢，而我自己如果不能接受教训，那就太难为情了；而且，我既听到了我原先不知道的那件事，若不是完全晕头转向，就绝不能跟地位这样高的人去争风。最后还有个原因，我对乌德托夫人的那段痴情也许还没有完全医好，我感到从此以后再没有任何东西能在我心里代替她了，我这一辈子都和爱情永诀了。就在我写这几行的时候，还有个少妇看中了我，我方才还从她那里受到很危险的挑逗，眉目传情，乱人心曲。但是，如果她假装忘记了我这花甲之年，我却记住了呢。这一步路我没有摔跤，就再也不怕失足了，这一辈子都可以保险了。 布弗莱夫人既然看出了她曾使我动心，可能也就看出了我曾把这点波动压了下去。我既不那么傻，也不那么狂妄，会以为在我这样的年龄还能引起她的兴趣；但是根据她对戴莱丝所说的某些话，我相信我曾引起她的好奇。如果这是事实，如果她因为这点好奇心没有得到满足就不肯原谅我的话，那么，就必须承认，我真正是生来就注定要做我易于动情这个弱点的牺牲品的，因为爱情战胜了我，我就那么倒霉，我战胜了爱情，我又倒霉得更加厉害。 在这两年里为我做向导的那个函件集，到这里结束了。今后我只有步着我回忆的痕迹去前进了，但是在这个残酷的阶段里，我的回忆是如此清晰，强烈的印象又留得如此深刻，以至我尽管迷失在我的灾难的汪洋大海里，还是不能忘掉我第一次沉船的那些详细情形，虽然沉船的后果只给我留下了一些模糊的回忆。因此，我在下一章里仍然能走得相当稳当。如果我再走远一点，就只好在暗中摸索了。