Chapter 8 Chapter 4-1

Chapter Four I returned to Annecy, but did not see her.It is conceivable how surprised and painful I must have been!At this point I began to regret my cowardly abandonment of M. Le Maitre; and when I heard of his misfortune, I became even more remorseful.His box of music, which was all his property, and which we had taken so much pains to save, was seized by the Comte d'Ordans when it arrived at Lyons, because the Church had previously treated it as a pawn. Zuo secretly absconded with belongings and wrote to the earl.M. Le Maitre had repeatedly demanded the return of his property, his way of life, the fruit of his life's hard work, but in vain.The question of the ownership of this chest should at least have been settled by litigation, but without any legal proceedings, the matter was decided according to the law of the strong, and poor Le Maitre was lost. The fruit of his artistic genius, the painstaking efforts of his early years, and the source of wealth in his later years.

The blow I received at the time was unbearable.But, at my age, when I could not be unduly melancholy, I soon devised a system of self-consolation.I hope to hear from her soon, though I don't know where Mrs. Warren lives, nor does she know of my return.As for my abandonment of Le Maitre, on the whole it was not a great crime.I helped M. Le Maitre when he fled, and that was the only thing I could do for him.Even if I had lived with him in France, I could not have cured him, could not keep his trunk, and could do him no favors except to add to his expenses.That's how I saw it then, and I don't see it that way now.A scandal doesn't hurt us very much when we first do it, but it tortures us when we think about it, because scandals never fade from memory.

In order to get news of my mother, the only thing I can do is wait.Paris is such a big place, where to find her?Besides, what should I use as travel expenses?In order to find out where she was sooner or later, there was no safer place than Annecy.So I just stayed.However, my behavior was very bad at that time. I did not visit the bishop who had taken care of me and could continue to take care of me. At this time, my protector was not with him. I was afraid that he would condemn us for our private escape. .I didn't even go to the monastery, because M. Gero was no longer there.In short, I did not visit any acquaintances.To tell the truth, I should have liked to visit the Consul's wife, but I never dared to.Worse than all these things, I found Monsieur Vantour again, a man whom, although I admired very much, I have not once thought of him since my departure.Reunited after farewell, he was already a well-known and popular figure in Annecy, and the ladies competed to entertain him.His success made me dizzy even more. At that time, I only knew M. Vendour, and he even made me forget Madame de Warren.In order to consult him conveniently, I proposed to live with him, and he agreed.He lived in the house of a shoemaker, a witty and amusing person, who called his wife in the vernacular "slutty woman," but nothing else, which seemed quite appropriate to her.He and she had often quarreled, and Vandour stood aside, seeming to persuade, but really only making their quarrel longer.He made teasing remarks to them in his Provençal accent, often to great effect: they got louder and louder, and one couldn't help laughing.The whole morning passed in this way, and at two or three o'clock we had nothing to eat; then Vandour went to his usual society.And having dinner outside, I went for a walk alone, thinking about his amazing talent, envious and praising his rare ability, and cursing my own bad luck, why don't I also live his happy life .How ignorant I was of life!If I were not so stupid and knew how to enjoy myself, my life would be a hundred times happier.

Madame Warren took only Anais with her when she went out, and left at home the personal maid I have talked about, Mel Salle, who still lives in the madam's flat.Miss Mercerle is a little older than me, and although she is not very beautiful, she is quite cute and "beautiful." She thinks that nature itself is the most beautiful; A good-natured Freiburger. I don't see any faults in her, except for a little disobedience to her mistress. I visit her often. We are old acquaintances, because when I see her, I think of a I love her more, so I love her. She has several girlfriends, one of them is a girl from Geneva named Mademoiselle Giraud, who deserves my bad luck and loves me. to her house. I let Mercier take me, as I liked Mercier, and because there were some young girls there whom I should have liked to see. Miss Giraud teased me in every possible way, but I did not say anything to her. I'm so sick of it that I can't help spitting on her face when her dry, Spanish tobacco-stained lips come close to mine. Besides, I am very fond of the company of those girls. They may be trying to please Miss Giraud, or they may be trying to please me, and everyone is competing for my favor. All this I only regard as friendship. Since then, I have sometimes thought that if I wanted to, I could regard these as expressions of something deeper than friendship. However, I didn't have such thoughts at the time, and I couldn't think of these.

Besides, seamstresses, maids, and peddlers don't much appeal to me.What I need is Miss Noble.Every man has his fancy, and mine has always been, and in this I differ from Horace.However, this is by no means attributable to the vanity psychology of envying one's origin and status; what I like is a softer complexion, more beautiful hands, and more elegant clothing. It should be more generous, the conversation should be more elegant, the dress should be more exquisite and well-cut, the shoes should be smaller and exquisite, and the color of ribbons, lace and hair should be more beautiful.A woman, if she possesses all of these, even if she looks a bit worse, I still prefer her.I myself sometimes find this preference ridiculous, but my heart can't help it.

Unexpectedly, this kind of good condition has appeared again, and whether I can enjoy it still depends on myself.How I love to be thrown back now and again to the happy moments of my youth!How sweet these moments are!How short, how rare, and how easily I enjoy it!Oh!The mere recollection of those moments brings with me the pure joy which I need to restore my courage to bear the troubles of old age. One day, the scenery at dawn was very beautiful, so I quickly put on my clothes and went to the field to watch the sunrise.I enjoyed this pleasure to the fullest, the week after St. John's Day.The earth is covered with gorgeous clothes, flowers and plants are everywhere, "Biography", "Mr. Hui'an Zhu Wengong Collection" and "Zhu Ziyu Lei" and so on.See "Lun, the colors are colorful; the nightingale's song is coming to an end, and it seems to be singing very hard; all the birds sing in a chorus to bid farewell to the late spring and welcome the coming of the beautiful summer. This is a beautiful day that I can't see again at my age, yes No one in this bleak land where I now live has ever seen a day.

I walked out of the city without knowing it, and the heat was rising, and I walked alone in the shade of a small valley with a stream running beside it.At this time, the sound of horseshoes and the girl's shouts came from behind. They seemed to have encountered some difficulties, but the hearty laughter did not stop.When I turned around, I heard them calling my name, and I went up to see two girls I knew: Mademoiselle Graffenly and Mademoiselle Galley.They are not good at riding horses, and they don't know how to get the horses to cross the stream.Mademoiselle Griffinli, a very sweet Bernese girl who was kicked out of her hometown for doing stupid things that are easy to do at her age, followed the example of Madame Warren.I have seen her several times at Mrs. Warren's.She did not receive an annuity like Madame Warren, but her fortune was good, and she was favored by Mademoiselle Garley.Mademoiselle Galley had a good time with her, and asked her mother to allow her to keep her company until she found a job.Mademoiselle Garley was a year younger than Mademoiselle Graveli, and more beautiful than Gravelier, with an indescribably refined grace in her manners, and a well-developed and graceful figure, which was The greatest charm a girl has.They were affectionately in love, and, from the gentle nature of both, would have maintained their close friendship for a long time if no lover had disturbed them.They told me that they were going to Tones, where there was a castle of Madame Gallet, and that they could not drive a horse across the river themselves, and begged me for help.I wanted to drive from behind with a whip, they were afraid that I would be kicked by the horse, and they were also afraid that they would fall off.So I resorted to another method, I took Mademoiselle Garley's horse by the rope, and led it across the river, and the other horse followed without any trouble, but my clothes were wet because of it. knee.When it's over, I want to say good-bye to the two ladies and walk away like a fool.But after a few words between them in a low voice, Mademoiselle Graveli said to me: "No, no, we can't let you go like this, you've got your clothes wet trying to help us, if we don't It would be a pity to dry your clothes, please come with us, now you are our prisoner." My heart was pounding, and my eyes were fixed on Miss Galley.Seeing my panic, she added with a smile; "Yes, yes, prisoner, get on your horse and ride behind her, we will make you an account." "No, miss, I have not had the honor I know your mother, what will she say when she sees me?" Miss Graveli said, "Her mother is not in the castle, there is no one else but us two; we will come back tonight, when you come back Come back with us."

These few words had an effect on me faster than electricity.I was trembling with joy when I jumped onto Mademoiselle Gravelier's horse.Moreover, in order to be able to ride steadily, I had to put my arms around her waist. At this time, my heart was beating so hard that even she could feel it.She told me that her heart was beating very hard because she was afraid of falling.From where I was, it was almost an invitation to feel if her heart was actually beating, but I never dared to do so.All the way, I just kept using my arms as a belt for her, and it was really tight, but it didn't move a bit.It makes sense that some women might want to slap me a few times after reading this.

The joy of traveling and the chattering conversations of girls also greatly stimulated my habit of talking, so until the evening, as long as we think about life together, we will return to nature.His prose has not stopped talking for a moment to the English and French thinkers and writers of the 17th and 18th centuries.They tried not to hold me back, so my tongue and my eyes both spoke, though they didn't mean the same thing.Only for a while, when I was alone with this or that girl, did the conversation feel a bit awkward, but the one who left would come right back, never giving us enough time To find out the reasons for each other's embarrassment.

When I got to Thones, I dried my clothes and then we had breakfast.The most important thing after that is to prepare lunch.While the two ladies were cooking, from time to time they left their work to kiss the children of the tenants, and I, the poor helper, had to look on with intolerable emotion.The food had been sent from the city earlier, and there was everything you need to make a hearty lunch, especially the richer dim sum; the fly in the ointment was that you forgot to bring the wine.For ladies who don't drink much, this is not surprising, but I am sorry, because I still count on a little wine to strengthen my courage.They were deeply displeased with it, perhaps for the same reason, though I do not believe so.Their brisk, lovable cheerfulness was the embodiment of simplicity and innocence; and besides, what could happen to them and me?They sent for wine all over the neighbourhood, but found none, for the peasants in this country were very simple and poor.They apologized to me; I told them not to make too much trouble about it, they would get me drunk without wine.This was the only courteous word I dared to say to them that day, but I think these two naughty girls must have seen it clearly, it was not empty words.

We ate lunch in the tenant's kitchen, two girlfriends sitting on stools at either end of a long table, and their guest on a three-legged stool between them.What a beautiful lunch it was!What a charming memory this is!Why seek other pleasures when one pays so little for such pure and true pleasures?You won't have lunch like this anywhere in Paris.I do not mean by this only the joy and sweetness it brings, but also the enjoyment of the flesh. After lunch we made an economical measure: we didn't drink the coffee left over from breakfast, but saved it for tea in the afternoon, along with the cream and pastry they brought.To whet our appetites we also went to the orchard and substituted cherries for the last of our lunch.I climbed up the tree and threw the cherries down by handfuls.Instead of using precise natural science methods, they threw cherry pits at me through the branches.Once, Mademoiselle Galley spread her apron and threw her head back as if to wait, and I aimed so hard that I dropped a bouquet of cherries on her breast.How we laughed at that time!I thought to myself, "Why aren't my lips cherries! How beautiful it would be if I threw my lips in the same place!" This day was completely spent in unrestrained laughter, but we always behaved.We didn't say a single ambiguous word, and we didn't make a rash joke, and our manners are by no means forced, but very natural, and we behaved as we thought in our hearts.In short, I was so prim (foolish, I might say), that the greatest insolence I could not help myself was to kiss Mademoiselle Garley's hand once.In fact, the circumstances were just right to give such a small discount a special value.There were only the two of us in the room, I felt short of breath, she didn't look up, I didn't speak, so I hurriedly kissed her hand, she gently retracted the hand I kissed, and looked at her. I didn't show an iota of anger, and I didn't know what else I could have said to her then.But her companion came in, and for a split second she looked ugly to me. At last it occurred to them that they should not wait for dark to go back, and there was just enough time left for us to be in town before dark, and we started off just as we had come.Had I been more adventurous, I would have changed my place, for Mademoiselle Galley's glance had moved me so strongly, but I dared not utter a word, and the suggestion of changing places was not hers to suggest.On the way home we said that it was a pity that the day had ended like this, but we never complained about the shortness of time, because we thought that by filling it up with games we had gained the secret to prolonging it. I broke up with them almost exactly where they met me.How reluctantly we parted!With what joy did we agree to meet again!The twelve hours we spent together were as much in our minds as centuries of intimacy.The sweet remembrance of this day does no loss to these two lovely maidens; the warm camaraderie between the three of us is better than the stronger sensual pleasures, and the two cannot coexist.We loved each other with no secrets, no shame, and a term that refers to the primordial sense of human beings, which is constantly flowing, and people can say that we would like to love each other like this forever.There is a pleasure of its own in pure conduct, which is no less than that of another sensual pleasure, for it does not slack, it cannot be interrupted.As for me, the remembrance of such a fine day moves me, enchants me, and haunts me more than any pleasure I have ever had in my life.I don't know what I want from these two lovely girls, but I care deeply about them both.However, this does not mean that if I arrange it myself, my heart is the same for two people.I am a little partial in my affections; it would be my happiness to have Mademoiselle Gravelime my mistress, but if my choice were entirely up to me, I should prefer her to be my confidant.Anyway, when I left them both, I felt that I couldn't live without either one.But who could have said then that I would never see them again, and that our brief love was over? People who read my book will laugh when they discover that all my love adventures, after such a long prologue, the most promising of them, ended with a kiss of the hand .Oh!Readers, please make no mistake.I have had more pleasure in a love that ends with a kiss of the hand than you can in a love that at least begins with a kiss of the hand. Vandour went to bed very late last night, and he came back not long after I came back.Usually when I see him, I feel happy in my heart, but this time it is different.I took care not to tell him about my day.The two ladies spoke of him with a little disdain for him, and when they knew that I was associated with such a villain, they were not very happy; this lessened my respect for him in my heart, and, whatever , any distraction from my love for these two ladies would resent me.But when he spoke to me of my present situation, he immediately reminded me of him as well as of myself.My situation has come to an end.Although the expenses were small, my little money was spent, and I had no money.I don't know anything about Mamma, and I don't know what I'm going to become, and it makes me sick to see Miss Galley's friends being called beggars. Vandour told me that he had spoken about me to Monsieur Chief Justice, and that he intended to take me to lunch with the judge the next day.According to Vandour, the Chief Justice can help me through some of his friends, besides De.They have translated a large number of ancient Greek cultural texts, mainly Aristotle's works, and it is a good thing to get acquainted with such a man, who is not only intelligent but also very learned, kind to people, who has talents and likes to have Talented people.Then, as usual to mix the most serious with the most frivolous, Vandour showed me the words of a refrain from Paris, composed in Murray's opera which was then being performed. of a tune.Mr. Simon (that's the chief judge's name) liked the lyrics so much that he even wanted to make a song to the same tune.He asked Vandour to write one too; and this Vandour, who had a crazy idea, also asked me to write one, and he said that when people read these lyrics tomorrow, they will flow like a carriage in "Funny Fiction" come. At night, when I can't sleep, I do my best to write the lyrics.Although this is the first time I've written a verse of this kind, it's done well, even pretty well, at least if I had been asked to write it the night before, it wouldn't have been so flavorful, because the theme of the lyrics revolves around Watching an emotional and lingering scene, and my heart is immersed in it at this time.When I got up in the morning, I showed the lyrics I had written to Vandour. He thought the words were beautiful, but he put mine in his pocket without saying whether his song was ready.We went to lunch together at Monsieur Simon's, and he received us very kindly.Their conversation was very interesting. Of course, the conversation between two talented people who have read a lot of books will not be boring.I played my role as usual, that is, I didn't say a word and just listened to them.Neither of them ever talked about writing lyrics, and I never did, and as far as I know, they never talked about the song I wrote. Mr. Simon was pleased with my manner: that was almost all he observed in me during this interview.He had seen me several times at Mrs. Warren's, but paid little attention to me.So, I can only say that we only knew each other from this meal together.Although this acquaintance did not achieve the purpose at the time, it brought me other benefits later, so when I think of him, I am still very happy. I can't say a word about his appearance.Because of his status as a judge and his pretentious talents, people can't imagine his appearance if I don't mention it at all.Mr. Simon the Chief Justice must have been no more than two feet tall.His legs are straight and slender, even a little too long, if he stands upright with Ski's philosophical works. Published in 1860.Playing Feuerbach's human nature and materialism, his two legs must appear longer; however, his two legs are slanted apart, like greatly opened compasses.Not only was he short, but he was also very thin, unimaginably small in every respect.If he was naked, he would look like a locust.But his head was the same size as an ordinary person's head, his face was well-shaped, and he looked like a high-class person, and his eyes were quite beautiful. It looked like a fake head mounted on a tree stump.He could do without spending any money on attire, for his big wig covered him from head to toe. He has two very different voices, which always blend together and form a sharp contrast when talking. At first, it is very interesting to listen to, but it soon becomes very annoying.One voice was solemn and loud, if I may put it that way, that of his head, and the other voice was clear and piercing, that of his body.When he talks calmly and deliberately, breathing evenly, he has always been able to use a low noise, but if he is a little excited, he will reveal a warmer tone, which gradually becomes a whistle-like high-pitched tone, trying to restore his voice. Bass is very strenuous. The appearance I have described is not in the least exaggerated, but Monsieur Simon is nonetheless a man of refined taste, with a gift for eloquent speech, and with the utmost finery, even to the point of frivolity, in his attire.Since he wanted to make the most of his own merits, he preferred to see litigants in the morning before they got up, because no one would imagine that all his beauty was just his head when he saw his beautiful head on the pillow.But this sometimes caused jokes, which I am sure no one in Annecy will ever forget. One morning he was in bed, or rather in bed, waiting for the litigant.He wore a very fine, clean white nightcap with two pink ribbon knots on it.A countryman knocks on his bedroom door when he decides it is necessary to destroy the bourgeois state apparatus and establish the dictatorship of the proletariat.The maid happened to be out.Hearing the knocks at the door, Mr. Chief Justice called out "Come in," and as he called out a little too loudly, it was his shrill voice.After entering, the countryman looked around to find out where the woman's voice was coming from, and when he saw that the person lying on the bed was wearing a woman's hat and a woman's ribbon knot, he hastily apologized to his wife, and intend to withdraw.Mr. Simon was angry, and his voice became smaller and smaller.The rustic, convinced more and more that the bed was a woman, felt himself insulted, and retorted at the woman that she looked like a scum, and that the Chief Justice was not a good example at home.The presiding judge, furious, having nothing else at hand, seized the chamber pot, and was about to throw it at the poor countryman, when the maid returned. The little man, though physically neglected by nature, was compensated intellectually.He was born wise, and made special efforts to further enrich his intelligence.It is said that he was a very good jurist, but he did not like his profession, but devoted himself to literature, and made some achievements.He specially absorbed the gorgeous appearance and beautiful words from literature, which made his conversation interesting and popular even with women.He has memorized all the aphorisms in books such as "Anthology" by heart, and even has unique skills to use these things very well. As if it happened yesterday.He knew music, and could sing sweetly with his manly voice, in short, as a judge, he was quite versatile.Because of his constant flattery among the ladies of Annecy, he became a fashionable figure among them, a little monkey who was constantly courting the ladies.He even bragged about some of his affairs, much to the delight of the ladies.A Madame d'Ebagne once said that to a man like him, kissing a woman's knee was the greatest favor that could be given. As he had read many masterpieces and liked to talk about literature, his conversations were not only entertaining but informative.Later, when I devoted myself to my studies, I got to know him very closely, which was of great benefit to me.When I lived in Chambery, I sometimes ran to see him from Chambery. He praised my indefatigable spirit of learning, encouraged me constantly, and gave me a lot of valuable advice on choosing books to read.His teachings have benefited me a lot.Unfortunately, this weak body had a very sensitive soul. After a few years, something made him sad all the time, and he died.It's a pity, he's really a good little guy, and one would find him ridiculous at first, and end up liking him.Although he did not have a deep relationship with me in his life, since I have learned some lessons from him, I think that in order to express my gratitude, I should write this text to commemorate him. Whenever I had spare time, I used to go down to the street where Mademoiselle Garley lived, hoping to watch the people who went in and out of her house there, and it would be pleasant to look at an open window.However, not even a cat was seen.I have waited there for a long time to infer from the clear and clear axioms, which are reliable and reliable. I doubt it. The doors and windows of that house are always closed, as if no one has ever lived in it.That street is narrow and quiet, and as long as there is someone lingering there, it is easy to attract attention; occasionally there are people who come out and enter from the left and right neighbors.I stood there in a state of embarrassment: I felt that people had guessed why I was standing there all the time, and it made me feel worse and worse.Because although I am looking for joy, I respect the honor and tranquility of my beloved more. Finally, not wanting to play the part of the Spanish lover any longer, and not having a guitar, I decided to write to Mademoiselle Graffenly.I thought of sending it directly to her girlfriend, but I dared not; I thought it would be better to write to Mademoiselle Griffinli first, because I knew her first, and the other was introduced by her, and I and She is also more familiar.When the letter was finished, I sent it to Mademoiselle Giraud, a method of correspondence which the two ladies had thought up and agreed upon when we said goodbye.Mademoiselle Giraud embroidered for a living, and sometimes went to work at Madame Galley's house, so she had the convenience of going in and out of her house.However, I don't think it's very appropriate to choose this messenger, but I worry that if they are too picky about who they choose, they won't find anyone else.Furthermore, I dare not say that she has her own plans for me.I would be humiliated if she should have thought of me as an object, as the two young ladies did.In the end, I thought it was better to have such a courier than nothing, and I had to try my luck desperately. As soon as I opened my mouth, Mademoiselle Giraud guessed my secret; it was not so difficult.Leaving aside the matter of entrusting her to deliver a letter to a young girl, that speaks for itself. My stupid and embarrassed appearance alone exposed all my secrets.As one may imagine, it did not please her very much to be entrusted with the task, but she accepted it, and faithfully carried out the task.I ran to her house the next morning, and I got a letter back.How I want to run out and read this letter at once, and kiss it as much as I want!Needless to say.It is Miss Giraud's attitude that should be said a few more words. I think her serenity and stability are beyond my expectation.She has enough sense to judge: at her age of thirty-seven, she has rabbit eyes, a nose, a squeaky voice and a black face, and she is obviously at a disadvantage when competing with these two beautiful young girls. of.She didn't want to ruin their business, but she didn't want to do anything for them; she would rather lose me than keep me for them. Mercerle had not heard anything from her mistress, and had recently intended to go back to Freiburg.Now at Ji Luo's urging, a decision has finally been made.Giraud not only advised her to go back to Freiburg, but also reminded her that it would be better to find someone to take her home, and suggested that I should take her.Young Mercerell didn't dislike me editing it.There are 60 volumes in total.Volumes 1-43 are writing volumes, and volumes 44-53 readily agree with this suggestion.They both came to talk to me that day as if the matter had been decided.I felt no displeasure at being so disposed of at my will, and immediately consented; the trip, I thought, would be a matter of seven or eight days at best.Miss Giraud had her own way of thinking, and she arranged everything.I had to state my financial situation.They also thought of this, and Mercerle agreed to bear my expenses; and in order to save the expense of bearing me, she decided to send her small parcel first, and we would divide the journey. Walk slowly for several stretches.It did so later. I mentioned here that there are so many girls who love me, and I feel very sorry.But since I can't boast of the benefits I've had from these adventures, I think I can tell the truth without scruple.Merceret was younger than Gilot, and didn't know everything like her, and never publicly flirted with me.But she imitated my voice, my tone of voice, or repeated my words, and she showed me the concern I should have shown her.And, being timid by nature, her chief concern on the trip was that we would have to share a room at night, an arrangement of this intimacy, apparently, for a lad of twenty and a man of twenty-five who were traveling together. For young girls, it is rare to stop at this point. This time, however, it is at this point.Although Mersai Lai is not annoying, but because of my simplicity, not only did I not intend to engage in any romantic affairs, but I never thought of it at all; I don't know what to do.I can't imagine how a young girl and a boy could sleep together.I think this fearful arrangement takes centuries of preparation.If poor Mercerle expected anything in return for covering my traveling expenses, she miscalculated.We arrived in Freiburg in the same manner as we had started from Annecy. When passing through Geneva, I didn't visit anyone, but when I was on the bridge, I felt very uncomfortable.Whenever I see the walls of this happy city, or enter the urban area, object recognition, knowledge expression, heuristic exploration, problem solving, theorem proving, machine learning, there is no time when I am not overly excited and can hardly hold myself.While the sublime symbols of liberty raised my soul to wonderful heights, the symbols of equality, solidarity, and good manners also moved me to tears, and I couldn't help feeling a strong regret that I should not have lost such happiness. .我曾陷入多大的错误啊，可是，我这种错误又是多么自然的啊！我曾经料想在自己的祖国可以看到这一切，因为我心里老怀念着这一切。 尼翁是我们必经之地。难道我过家门而不见见父亲吗？如果我真敢这样做，我以后会后悔死的。我把麦尔赛莱留在旅店，不顾一切地去看了我的父亲。well!我以前的恐惧是多么没有道理呀！他一看到我，就把充满了他内心的爱子之情完全倾泄出来了。在我们互相拥抱的时候，流下了多少眼泪啊！最初，他还以为我是永远回到他身边来了。我对他谈了我的情况和我的打算。他只稍微劝了我一番，他向我指出我可能遭到的危险，并对我说少年的荒唐时期总是越短越好。不过，他并没有强留我的意思，这一点我觉得他做得对。但是，可以肯定，他并没有尽其所能把我留下。这也许是由于他看出我已不能从我走上的道路回过头来，也许是由于他不知道对我这样年岁的孩子到底应当怎样办好。后来我才知道，他对我的旅伴有一种十分不正确的、远离事实的看法，但这也是自然的。我的继母是个善良而稍微有点圆滑的女人，做出要留我吃晚饭的样子。我没吃；不过我对他们说，回来的时候我打算和他们多团聚些日子。我把由水路寄来的一件小包裹寄存在他们那里了，因为我觉得带着太累赘。第二天一清早我便动身了，我心里非常高兴，因为我看到了我的父亲，并且有勇气尽自己的义务。 我们平安到达了弗赖堡。当旅行快要终了的时候，麦尔赛莱小姐对我就逐渐不那么殷勤了，及至到达目的地以后，她对我就显得相当冷淡，再说，她父亲的生活并不富裕，也没特别招待我，我只好去住小店。第二天我去看他们，他们请我吃午饭，我也接受了。我们毫不依恋地道别。当晚我回到小店，第二天就走了，至于到哪里去我自己也不太清楚。 在我一生中，这是又一次上帝给了我一个非常好的过幸福日子的机会。麦尔赛莱是个很好的姑娘，虽无动人的姿色，可是长得一点也不难看，不十分活泼文艺复兴时期哲学15—16世纪西欧资本主义生产关系，却很聪明，有时也闹点小脾气，但是哭一阵子也就完了，从来不会因此而起更大的风波。她对我的确有意，我可以毫不费力地娶她为妻，并承袭她父亲的职业。我对音乐的爱好也会使我喜欢他的职业。这样，我便可以在弗赖堡安家立业；这个小城虽不太美，但居民都是十分善良的。毫无疑问，我会因此失去很大的享受，但我一定能够过一辈子平静的生活；而且我应该比谁都清楚，在这项交易中是没有什么可踌躇的。 我不想返回尼翁，而是要到洛桑去。我想欣赏那个美丽的湖，因为在洛桑看湖水，可以饱览无遗。支配我行为的内心动机大都不是很坚定的。远大的志向，在我看来总是那么渺茫，致使我难以行动起来。由于我对未来没有信心，总认为需要长期执行的计划是骗人的诱饵。我和任何人一样，也会抱有某种希望，但这必须是无需费劲就能实现的希望。如果这需要长期的艰苦努力，我就办不到了。所以，唾手可得的一点小小快乐对我比天堂的永久幸福的诱惑力还要大。不过，我对于事后一定会感到痛苦的快乐是不追求的，这种快乐引诱不了我，因为我只喜爱那些纯粹的快乐，如果准知道后来要追悔的话，那就不能算做是纯粹的快乐。 不管是哪儿，我急需找个落脚的地方，而且越近越好。我由于迷失了路，晚间到了木东；在那里，陈留下了十个克勒蔡尔以外，我把仅有的一点钱都花完了，第二天吃了一顿饭，那十个克勒蔡尔也光了。那天晚上，我到了离洛桑不远的一个小村庄。当时我身上一个铜板也没有，我走进一家小旅店，进去究竟怎么样，我自己也不知道。我饿极了，就装出大大方方好象完全能付钱的样子要来了晚饭。吃完了饭，我什么也不想就上床睡觉，睡得十分安静。第二天早晨，吃过早饭以后和店主人算了算账，共计应付七个布兹。我想把我的短外衣押给他，那个好心人拒绝了，他对我说，感谢天主，他从来没有扒过人家的衣服，也不肯为七个布兹破例，他要我留着我的外衣，等有了钱时再来还账。他的善心感动了我，但是，当时的感动实际上还不够，也远不如我以后回想起这事的时候感动得深。不久，我就托一位可靠的人把钱给他送去并向他致谢；可是，十五年以后，当我从意大利回来又路过洛桑的时候，我感到非常遗憾的是，我竟忘记了那个旅店和店主的名字。不然的话，我一定会去拜访他并以一种出自内心的真正快乐向他提起他那时的善行，还向他证明他那番好心并没有被忘掉。毫无疑问，在我看来，为了满足自己的虚荣心而给人帮忙，就是比这再大，也不如这个老实人毫不浮夸、朴实而又厚道的行为更值得感激。 快要到达洛桑的时候，我心里就考虑自己所处的窘境，怎样设法摆脱穷困，不叫我继母看见我这副潦倒的样子。我把这次徒步旅行中的我比作刚来到安讷西时的我的朋友汪杜尔。我对这个想法十分兴致勃勃，不考虑我既没有他那样善于辞令是物质，而是民生，民众的生活是社会历史进化的动力。参，也没有他那样的才能，就硬要在洛桑做一个小汪杜尔，把我自己还不懂的音乐教给别人，自称我是从巴黎来的，其实我根本没到过巴黎。在这里，没有一所能使我在其中谋到个下级职务的音乐学校，而且我也不愿冒险混入内行的艺人中间；为了执行我那美妙的计划，我只好先打听哪里有既能住宿又花钱不多的小旅店。有人告诉我，有个名叫佩罗太的人，家里留宿过路客人。这个佩罗太是世界上最好的人；他非常周到地接待了我。我把预先准备好的一套假话向他说了一遍，他答应为我张罗，给我找学生，并且对我说，等我挣到钱以后才向我要钱。他定的膳宿费是五个埃居。这个数字本来算不了什么，可是对我说来就很可观了。他建议我开始时只入半伙。所谓半伙就是午餐只有一盘相当不错的浓菜汤，除此以外，什么也没有，到晚上可以好好吃一顿晚餐。I agreed.这个可怜的佩罗太以最大的好心肠百般关怀我，凡是对我有所帮助的事无不尽力而为。 为什么我年轻的时候遇到了这样多的好人，到我年纪大了的时候，好人就那样少了呢？是好人绝种了吗？不是的，这是由于我今天需要找好人的社会阶层已经不再是我当年遇到好人的那个社会阶层了。在一般平民中间，虽然只偶尔流露热情，但自然情感却是随时可以见到的。在上流社会中，则连这种自然情感也完全窒息了。他们在情感的幌子下，只受利益或虚荣心的支配。 我在洛桑给父亲写了一封信，他把我的小包寄来了，并附了一封充满忠告的信。我理应从他的教诲中得到很好的启发。我在上面已经谈过，有时候我的理智竟处于一种不可思议的错乱状态，使我完全变成另一个人。下面又是一个最明显的例子，要了解我晕头转向到了什么程度，我使自己汪杜尔化（如果可以这样说的话）到了什么程度，只要看看我这时干了多少荒唐的事就够了。我连歌谱都不认识就当起音乐教师来了。固然，我曾和勒·麦特尔一起呆过六个月，我受到过一些教益，但这六个月是不够的，何况我又是跟这样一位大师学的，注定是学不好的。我这个日内瓦的巴黎人，新教国家的天主教徒，认为必须更名改姓，就象我曾经改变宗教和祖国一样。我总是在尽一切可能使自己和所模仿的那个人物相似。他叫汪杜尔·德·维尔诺夫，于是我便把卢梭这名字改拼为福索尔，全名为福索尔·德·维尔诺夫。汪杜尔虽然会作曲，却从不夸耀这个；我本不会作曲，却向人人吹嘘自己会作曲。我连最简单的流行歌曲都不懂，却自命为作曲家。这还不算，有人把我介绍给一位法学教授特雷托伦先生，他喜欢音乐，经常在家里举行音乐会；我想给他一个可以显示我的才华的样品，于是我竟冒失地装出真会作曲的样子，为他的音乐会作起曲来。我为这一优秀作品一直干了两个星期，誊清、标定音部、满有信心地划分乐章，好象这真是一出音乐艺术的杰作似的。最后，说起来令人难以置信，可却是真的：为了漂亮地结束这个卓越的作品，我在末尾加上了一段优美的小步舞曲，这段曲子在大街小巷流行一时，也许现在许多人还能记得下面这几句当时非常流行的歌词： 多么善变！ How unfair! how!你的克拉丽丝 欺骗了你的爱情！ ... 这支配有低音的曲子是汪杜尔教给我的，原来的歌词非常猥亵，正因为如此，我才记住了这个曲调。我删去了原来的歌词，便把这个小步舞曲和配好的低音部做了我那作品的结尾。我就象对月球上的居民说话一样，硬说这个曲子是我自己的作品。 大家聚会起来演奏我的作品了。我向每个人说明了乐曲的速度、演奏的风格、各音部的反复等注意事项，简直把我忙坏了。大家校音的五、六分钟，我觉得象有五、六个世纪之久。最后，一切都准备好了，我用一个漂亮的纸卷在指挥台上敲了几下，意思是：注意。大家都安静下来。于是我严肃地打起拍子，开始了……真的，自从有了法国歌剧以来，谁也没有听见过这样难听的音乐。不管大家对我自以为了不起的艺术天才有什么样的想法，反正这次演奏的效果比人们想象的还要坏。乐手们简直忍不住要笑；听众睁大惊愕的眼睛，直想堵住耳朵，可惜这办不到。我那些要命的合奏乐手，又故意开玩笑，弄出些噪音来，连聋子的耳膜都能刺破。我一直坚持着，当然，大颗的汗珠往下直滚，但是颜面攸关，我不敢一跑了之，只好听由命运摆布。我所得到的安慰，听到我近旁的一些听众在低声说：“简直受不了！多么疯狂的音乐！这真是魔鬼的聚会啊！”可怜的让－雅克！在这残酷的时刻，你一点也不会想到，有一天你的音乐将在法兰西国王及其整个宫廷的出席下演奏，并将引起强烈的喝采和赞美，那些坐在包厢里的迷人的女人将会窃窃私语：“多么动听的音乐啊！多么迷人的声音！这真是扣人心弦的旋律啊！” 但是，使全场的人乐不可支的是那支小步舞曲。刚刚演奏了几个小节，就从各处传来了人们的大笑声。大家都对我的歌曲的韵味表示祝贺；他们说这个小步舞曲一定会使我名声大震，说我一定会到处受人欢迎。我无需叙述我的烦恼，也不用承认我这是自作自受了。 第二天，一个名叫路托尔的乐队队员前来看我，他为人非常好，没有祝贺我的成就。由于我深深认识到自己的愚蠢，我羞愧、懊悔，对自己竟落到这种地步感到难过和失望，我不能再把这一切憋在心里了。于是我把心中所有难以忍受的痛苦都向他倾诉出来，同时我的眼泪也籁簌落下，我不仅在他面前承认了我对音乐的一无所知，而且还把所有的经过都跟他说了，要求他保守秘密，他也答应了，至于他怎样信守诺言，那是可以想象得到的。当天晚上，全洛桑的人都知道我是谁了。但是令人惊讶的是，竟没有一个人对我表示出知道了这件事的样子，就连那个好心的佩罗太也没有因为知道了底细而停止供应我食宿。 我继续生活下去，但非常苦闷，这样一个开端，其结果不会使我在洛桑愉快地住下去。学生没有几个，一个女生都没有，也没有一个是本城的人。只有两三个拙笨的德国学生，他们的笨拙一如我的无知；这几个学生使我讨厌得要死，在我的指导下，决不会成为大音乐家的。只有一家人请过我，那家有个狡黠的小姑娘，她故意拿出许多乐谱叫我看，而我连一个也不懂，她却狡猾地在老师面前唱了起来，叫老师看看应该怎样演唱。对于一个乐谱，我是不能一看就马上读出来的。这和我在上面所谈的那次堂皇的音乐会上，一直都未能随上演奏，不能断定演奏的是不是和我眼前摆着的、我自己的乐谱一样，这次的情况也和那次相同。 在这种令人难堪的生活环境里，我不时从我那两位可爱的女友的信息中，得到了甜蜜的安慰。我一向是从女性身上找到巨大的慰藉力量，在我时运不佳的时候，再没有比一个可爱的姑娘的关心更能减少我的痛苦的了。可是，这种通信不久就终止了，以后再也没有恢复，但那是我的过错。我换了住处以后，忘了把新的地址告诉她们，而且由于我不得不时时刻刻考虑自己的事情，很快就把她们完全忘记了。 我很久没有提起我那位可怜的妈妈了，但是，如果有人认为我也把她忘了，那可是大错特错。我始终怀念着她，并希望能再找到她，这不仅是为了自己的生活，更是由于自己心灵上的需要。我对她的依恋，不管是怎样强烈，怎样一往情深，并不妨碍我去爱别人；但这是另一种爱。别的女人都是以姿色博得我的爱慕，一旦姿色消失，我的爱也就完了。妈妈尽管可能变得又老又不好看，但我对她的爱慕之情是不会因此减弱的。我这颗心最初是尊崇她的美，而现在已经完全转为尊崇她个人了。所以，不管她的容颜会变成什么样子，只要还是她自己，我的感情是始终不会变的。我很知道我应该感激她，但实际上我没有想到这些。不论她为我做了什么，或者没有做什么，我对她总是一样的。我爱她既不是出于义务感，也不是为了自身的利益，更不是由于方便的动机。我所以爱她，是因为我生来就是为了爱她的。当我爱上别的女人的时候，坦白地说，我的心也会分散一些，想她的时间也少了，但是，我始终是以同样愉快心情去想她的，而且，不管我是否正在爱着别的女人，每当我想到她的时候，总是觉得，只要和她不在一起，我就没有真正的幸福。