Chapter 3 Chapter 1-2

This walnut tree and the little story connected with it have always been so vividly in my mind, or so often come to my mind, that when I went to Geneva in 1754, I finally One of my pleasant plans was to go to Bouse and look again at the relics of my childhood games, especially the dear walnut tree, which was supposed to live a third of a century.But at that time I was always busy, unable to be independent, and never had the opportunity to fulfill this desire.It seems that such an opportunity is impossible again.I do not, however, forsake my desire for such a chance; I am almost sure that if I could go back to the place I love, and see the beloved walnut tree still alive, I would use my tears water it.

After returning to Geneva, I lived in my uncle's house for two or three years, waiting for people's arrangements for my future.My uncle wanted his son to be an engineer, and he taught my cousin a little cartography and Euclid's Principles of Geometry.I also studied with him and became interested, especially in cartography.At this time, it was discussed that I should be a watchmaker, a lawyer, or a priest.I like being a pastor very much. I think preaching and preaching are very interesting.But my brother and I share the little income from my mother’s inheritance every year, which is not enough for me to continue my studies.Since I was not so eager to choose a career at that age, I was obliged to wait at my uncle's house for a while, which was almost a waste of time, while paying a substantial, though fair, amount for board and lodging.

Like my father, my uncle is also a fun-loving person. Like my father, he is not good at restraining himself with obligations, and he rarely cares about us.My aunt, a pious woman with a touch of pietism, would rather sing hymns than attend to our education; they gave us almost total indulgence, which we never abused.We were inseparable, helping each other, wanting nothing from anyone else, and since we never wanted to hang out with urchins our own age, we didn't pick up any of the free-spirited habits that idleness had developed.In fact, I said that it is wrong for us to be idle, because we have never been idle in our lives.Thankfully, the non-stop variety of games we find extremely entertaining keeps us occupied at home and makes us not even want to go out.We make birdcages, flutes, blankets, drums, build small houses, and make toys such as water guns and crossbows.We also made clocks like my kind old grandfather, sometimes breaking his tools.Another favorite hobby is smearing on paper, making sketches, applying ink, adding color, and wasting colors.An Italian charlatan named Gamba Gorda came to Geneva, and we saw it once and didn't want to go again; but he had puppets, so we built them; stuff, we also make up comedy for our puppets.Without a voice change whistle, we used false voices to imitate the voice of the funny clown to perform our touching comedies, and our kind elders watched and listened patiently.But one day my uncle Bernal called the family together to read a moving sermon he had written himself.So we dropped the comedy again and started writing sermons too.These trifles are not very interesting, I admit it myself; but they testify how well directed our first education is, so that we children who, at such an early age, are almost in control of ourselves, seldom abuse it. let go.We have little need for companionship, and we do not value even the opportunity for it.When we were out for walks, we often saw children playing, but didn't envy them, or even intend to join them.Friendship between the two of us is enough to satisfy our hearts, and even the dullest amusements delight us when we are together.

As we were inseparable, people took notice; especially as my cousin was tall and I was short, which was a ridiculous couple indeed.He was tall and thin, with a small face like a wrinkled apple, with a weak look and weak steps, which made the children laugh at him. People nicknamed him "Stupid Donkey" in the local dialect, and as soon as we went out, shouts of "Stupid Donkey, Stupid Donkey" would ring out around us.He takes this kind of ridicule more lightly than I do.I got annoyed and wanted to fight them, which is exactly what those little rascals wanted.I fought them and got beaten.My poor cousin tried to help me, but he was so weak that he was knocked down with a blow.It drove me crazy.Although the punches I received on the head and shoulders were indeed serious, it wasn't me they were going to hit, but "Stupid Donkey".My stubborn anger made things worse. Later, we only dared to go out when other people were in class. We were afraid of being scolded and chased by the pupils.

Now I have become a knight who fights against injustice.To be a decent knight, I need a mistress; I've had two.From time to time I went to see my father in Nyon, a small town in the Volvaux where my father had settled.My father's popularity is so good that even his son is well-liked.Although I didn't live with him for many days, from his point of view, everyone was very kind to me.There was one Mrs. Filson who was very fond of me, not to mention that her daughter regarded me as her lover.A boy of eleven is a lover of a girl of twenty-two, and of course one understands what it is.All such very clever girls are happy to put the little dolls in front to hide the big ones, and they have a knack for seducing the big ones by creating a fascinating illusion.I do not see any discord between her and me on my part, so I take the matter quite seriously; I devote my whole heart, or rather, my whole brain to it. Yes, because, although I love her madly, although my fever, excitement, and passion have produced many amazing dramas, I only love her in my little head.

There are, so far as I know, two quite different and wholly genuine kinds of love, which, though both strong, have little in common with each other; nor are they like intimate friendship.My whole life has been divided equally between these two incompatible loves, and I have even experienced them both at the same time.For example, during the period I have just described, when I took Mademoiselle de Filson so openly to myself, that I could not bear the approach of any other man, I was with a little girl named Gordon. Mademoiselle had several brief but passionate trysts; during them she treated me like a teacher treats a student.It's all gone, that's all.Even though it's nothing more than that, in fact, I feel that this is everything, and this is the supreme happiness.I had already realized the value of secrets.Although I am very naive in the use of secrecy, when I found that Mademoiselle de Filson had made love to me only to cover up other affairs, I repaid her in the same way.This was something she never expected.But I deeply regret that my secret was discovered.It can also be said that my little teacher did not keep the secret like I did.Before long, they separated us.A few days later, when I was passing Coudance on my way back to Geneva, I heard some little girls shouting in a low voice, "Gordon and Lou have fallen out."

This Miss Gordon was indeed an unusual character.She wasn't pretty, but her face was unforgettable; I still think of it often, which is a little too much for an old madman like me.Her figure, her posture, and especially her eyes were not befitting her age.Her little air, dignified and proud, suited the part she was playing, and it was her little air which reminded us of it.But the strangest thing about her was that mixture of audacity and demure that was incomprehensible.She treats me unscrupulously, but I can't be casual with her.She treated me like a child, so I believe that either she was no longer a child, or, on the contrary, she was a child herself, and she considered the danger she faced a child's play.

I have my heart and soul for both of them.And I'm so wholehearted that when I'm with one, I never think about the other.But then again, there was nothing in the way of my feelings for either of them.Had I lived my whole life with Mademoiselle de Filson, I would never have thought of leaving her; but, when I was near her, my joy was calm, never emotional.I love her, especially when talking and laughing with many people, making jokes, flirting, and even being jealous, all make my heart happy and enjoy it.I was smugly proud when I saw that those older rivals seemed to be neglected, while I was only favored by her.I've been teased, too, but I like the pain.People's praise, encouragement and laughter warmed my heart and doubled my courage.I lost my temper and said witty words. In social situations, I loved her madly; if I was alone with her, I would feel embarrassed, cold, and even a little bored.However, I was so concerned for her that when she was ill I was so distressed that I would have sacrificed my body to enable her to recover.Please note that I know the meaning of sickness and health very well from my own experience.When I was away from her, I missed her and felt that I must have her; and when I was with her, those caresses of hers sweetened my soul rather than my body.I had a sense of equanimity with her; I wanted nothing more than what she gave.However, if I saw her doing the same with other people, I couldn't bear it.I love her like a brother and sister, and I am jealous like a lover.

As for Miss Gordon, every time I think that she might treat other men as she treats me, I get envious, like a Turk, or a madman, or a tiger.Because even if her gift is a little bit, if I don't kneel down, I can't get it.When I was near Miss de Filson, I felt nothing but joy, but no emotion; but as soon as Miss Gordon appeared, I was blinded by everything else, and was simply fascinated.Getting along with the former, although very intimate, there is absolutely nothing presumptuous; but in front of the latter, it is completely opposite, even if we are very familiar with each other, I feel very nervous and uneasy.I feel that if I spend too much time with her I shall die, for the pounding of my heart will suffocate me to death.With both of them I had the same fear of falling out of favor; but my tenderness towards the one was my obedience to the other.Give me all the riches in the world, and I won't offend Miss de Felson; but if Miss Gordon orders me to jump into the fire, I'm sure I'll do it right away.

To the great luck of both her and me my affairs--or rather, my trysts--did not last long with Miss Gordon.My association with Mademoiselle de Filson did not involve the same dangers, but, after a little longer, had a tragic end.The ending of such events always has some romantic atmosphere, which makes people sigh.My love for Mademoiselle de Filson was not intense, but perhaps more ardent.We never parted without tears, and what's even more strange is that after the breakup, I felt embarrassingly lonely.When I speak, I talk about her, when I meditate, I think of her.My sadness is real and poignant.However, I believe that in fact, this kind of heroic tears is not shed entirely for her. In my sadness, the nostalgia for the kind of fun centered on her also accounts for a large part, but I ignored it. Just a little.In order to dispel the sorrow of separation, the two wrote a love letter for a while, and the touching words would break the hearts of people who are as cold as rocks.At last I was victorious; she could bear it no longer, and came to Geneva to see me.This time I was even more dizzy, and during the two days she stayed, I was completely intoxicated.When she was about to leave, I really wanted to throw myself in the water as soon as she left.My wail stayed in the vast space for a long time.A week later, she sent me some sweets and some gloves. If I hadn't known that she was married at this time and that her "visit" was only for the dowry, then I must have felt that she was acting like this. It is an expression of affection.How angry I was at that time can be imagined without description.Filled with noble rage, I swore firmly that I would never see this wicked woman again.I think this is the worst punishment for her.However, she did not die because of this.Twenty years later, I went to see my old father.When our father and son were boating on the lake, I saw a yacht not far from our boat with some women sitting on it. I asked who it was. "Why!" my father said with a smile, "don't you remember? That was your lover back then. Now it's Mrs. Christine, who used to be Miss de Filson." Hearing this, I almost completely forgot name, I shuddered.However, I immediately ordered the boatman to row the boat away.Although this is a pretty good opportunity for revenge, I don't think it's worth breaking the oath to settle the score with a woman who is already forty years old twenty years ago.

The good years of my boyhood were wasted in these trifles, before my future was settled.According to my nature, after much deliberation, people finally chose a most unsatisfactory occupation for me.They sent me to Maslon, the clerk of the court in this town, to learn under him the trade of a litigant, which, according to M. Bernal, is a useful profession.I'm sick of the nickname "litigator."I have a noble personality and never want to use mean means to get rich.Doing this business every day is really boring and intolerable, and the long working hours and having to be driven like a slave make me even more unhappy.Every time I enter the office door, I always have a feeling of loathing, which is growing day by day.As for Mr. Masloon, he was very dissatisfied with me, and treated me with contempt.He often scolded me for being lazy and stupid. Every day he babbled and said, "Your uncle insists that you can do this and that, but you can't do anything. He promised to send me a capable young man, but who knows? It was a donkey." As a result, I was thrown out of the office in disgrace for "incompetence"; according to the clerks of Mr. There is no other use. Having thus judged my aptitude, I had no choice but to become an apprentice.However, it was not a watchmaker they asked me to join, but a component engraver.The clerk's contemptuous attitude had really weighed down my pride, so I obeyed without complaint.My master, M. Ducomman, was a violent young man who, in a short space of time, polished all the splendor of my childhood; It made me a real apprentice not only in actual life, but also in spiritual outlook.My Latin and my studies of the classics and history are so long behind me that I don't even remember a Roman in the world.When I went to see my dad, he couldn't see me as his "baby" anymore.In the eyes of the ladies, I am no longer the romantic Jean-Jacques.I myself was sure that the Lamberciers would never have recognized me as their protégé, so I was ashamed to call on them; I never met them again after that.The basest tastes, the basest habits, have taken the place of my lovely pastimes, and have lost even a trace of them from my memory.Although I have received a good education, I must have been born with a tendency to degenerate, because I did not make any effort, and I degenerated to the point of being out of control in an instant. Even the very precocious Caesar did not fall so quickly. Become Larry East. Speaking of the craft itself, I don't dislike it.I really like the art of making patterns, and I also find it very interesting to wield a carving knife.At the same time, in the watchmaking industry, engraving parts does not require great skills, so I hope that there will be outstanding achievements in this area.Perhaps I should have attained this purpose, if my master's insolence, and my restraints, had not disgusted me with such work.Behind his back, I have worked on something of the same nature during working hours, but which appealed to my unbridled personality.I engraved some orders of chivalry for myself and my companions to wear.My master found me doing this forbidden work in private, beat me up, and said I was practicing counterfeiting, because our medals had the coat of arms of the Republic on them.To tell the truth, I don't know what counterfeit money is at all, and I don't know much about real money.I am more familiar with the minting method of the Roman "Ace" than with our three Soviet coins. Because of the tyrannical master's tyranny, I finally felt miserable about the work I loved, and made me develop some bad habits that I hated, such as lying, sloth, stealing and so on.The changes that took place in me during this period, in retrospect, made me deeply understand the difference between living at home with my parents and going out as a slave.I am naturally shy and cowardly, and though I may have a thousand faults, I will never degenerate to the level of impudence.The rightful liberty which I had enjoyed until then had only dwindled little by little, and now it has vanished entirely.I was free with my father; I was free at M. Lambercier's; I was cautious at my uncle's;Since then, I have been a fallen child.When I was with my elders, I was used to living exactly like them: there was no entertainment I could not take part in, no good meal without my share, and I said what was in my heart.And what kind of person did he become in my master's house?Everyone knows it at a glance.Because there, I dare not open my mouth; there, when the meal is only one-third finished, I have to leave the table and go out immediately; there, I am busy all day long, and I see others having fun , but I can't enjoy anything; there, the master and his cronies are free and easy, and I feel the weight of slavery more and more; There, what my eyes see, what I envy in my heart.Why?Simply because of being deprived of everything.Farewell, my easy life; Farewell, my gaiety; That witty work which, when I erred, so often saved me from reprimand, is no more now.There is one thing that I cannot fail to think of without laughing; one night at my father's house I was punished for my mischief by going to bed without food; Smell a large piece of meat roasting on an iron spit.They were all standing round the fire; I passed there and had to say good night to each of them.After saying goodnight.I glanced at the piece of meat.Oh, what a color it is, and how it smells!Involuntarily I bowed to him too, and said to him in a mournful voice, "Good-bye, barbecue!" This innocent jest, which came out of my mouth, was so amusing that they told me to eat it anyway. It's dinner.In my master's house this might have produced the same effect; but, I believe, I never had such tact there, and if I had, I never dared to speak of it. In this way, I learned to be greedy, to conceal, to cheat, to lie, and finally, to steal—I never had this kind of thought before, but once I have this kind of thought now, I can't change it anymore.If you can't do what you want, you will inevitably end up on this evil path.That's why all the servants are cheating and cheating, and every apprentice is cheating and stealing.However, if the latter are in a state of equality and carelessness, and their wishes can be satisfied, then in the process of growing up, they must lose this ignominious habit.It is a pity that I did not encounter such favorable conditions, so I failed to receive good results. The child's first step towards evil is probably because his good nature is led astray.I have been in the master's house for more than a year. Although I often feel short of money and constantly tempted by foreign objects, I don't even want to steal food.My first pilferage was done with the good intentions of doing a favor, but it was the prelude to other thefts from less admirable motives. My master has a friend named Vera, whose house is next to us, and there is a garden a little farther away, where the most valuable asparagus grows.At this time Vera was not well off.He wanted to steal a few young asparagus that had just grown behind his mother's back, and sell them as fresh goods in exchange for a few good meals.He was not willing to take the risk himself, and he was not flexible in his hands and feet, so he chose me to do this.He complimented me first. I didn't see through his intentions at the time, so it was easy to fall into the trap.Then he pretended to have hit upon the idea and asked me to do it.I refused for a long time; but he was obstinate, and flattered me so much that I could not resist it, and surrendered.Every morning I went to cut some of the best asparagus and sold them in the Mollar market; there was an old woman in the market who guessed I had stolen it and exposed it to my face so that I could buy it cheap.I felt guilty, so I had no choice but to rely on her to give the price at will, and then I handed over the money to Vera.The money immediately turned into a meal, the buyer was me, and the food was him and another friend.A little favor from him has satisfied my heart, but as for their wine glasses, I haven't even touched them. I have been doing this little trick for several days, and it never occurred to me to steal from the thieves, that is, to take a cut of Vera's income from stealing asparagus.I do this work with all my heart, and my only motive is to please the Lord and the people.But if I am caught, how I will be beaten, scolded, and suffer a lot, and the villain will definitely say that I have falsely accused him, and others will believe his words, and in the end, I will be accused of false accusation Doubled because he's a buddy and I'm just an apprentice!The strong who do evil go unpunished, and the innocent and weak suffer, and this is the case all over the world. In this way, I realized that stealing was not as terrible as I had imagined.I was quick in this science, and it was hard to keep anything I wanted to get my hands on, as long as I could get my hands on it.In the master's house, what I ate was not bad; the reason why I could not restrain my appetite was because I saw my master eating too much.He drives the young people off the table whenever the best food is served, and I think this custom is the most favorable factor in the breeding of gluttons and thieves.It didn't take long for me to play both roles; generally speaking, I was handy, only occasionally being caught and beaten. Once I stole an apple and paid a high price. When I think of it, I feel shuddering and laugh.The apples were kept in the far end of the storeroom, which had a high latticed window above it, through which the sunlight from the kitchen could shine.one day.I was the only one in the house, so I climbed on the cutting board and looked into the "Hesperides Apple Orchard" for the forbidden area that I couldn't get close to.I fetched the spit to see if I could reach it; no, it was too short.I found another small fork (my master likes to hunt and prepare a small fork specially for roasting the game) and connected it to it.I pierced it a few times without success. Finally, I finally pierced an apple, which made me very happy.I carefully pulled up, and the apple was already close to the lattice window.I reach for it.But what a nerve-wracking one!The apple is too big to get out of the grid.How much pains I have spent to get it!To prevent the iron fork from falling off, I must find something to hold it. To cut an apple, I must find a rather long knife. When cutting, I must have a supporting board.After everything is ready, I will start cutting the apple. I plan to cut it in half and take it out separately.However, as soon as I cut it, the two apples fell into the storage room.Sympathetic reader, please share my troubles! I have not lost my nerve; however, I have wasted a great deal of time.I was afraid of being caught in the cold, so I had to wait until the next day to try again with luck.So, I acted like nothing happened and went to work.As for how bad it was for me to have those two unsecret credentials in the storeroom, I didn't even think about it. The next day, I found a suitable opportunity and made a new attempt.I climbed up to my floor, stretched out the iron fork, pointed at the apple, and was about to pierce it... Who knew that the guardian dragon was not asleep, and the door of the storage room opened with a bang.My master came out, crossed his hands, stared at me, and said to me: "Wow!"... As I write this, my hands are so trembling that I can't even hold the pen. As I was often beaten, I gradually became indifferent to being beaten.Later I felt that this was a way to offset the crime of stealing, and I had the right to continue stealing.I don't look back to see how I was beaten, but look forward to see how I will take revenge.I thought to myself, since I am treated as a thief, it means that I am recognized as a thief.I discovered that stealing and being beaten go hand in hand, thus forming a kind of transaction. As one party to the transaction, I just need to fulfill my obligations. As for the obligations of the other party, let my master bother. Go and fulfill it.Under the control of this kind of thinking, whenever I steal something, I feel more at ease than before.I said to myself, "What's going to happen? To be beaten? Never mind! I was born to be beaten." I love food but not greed, lust but not sex: because of too many other desires, these two desires are diluted.When I'm not free, I never think about delicious food, and it's rare for me to be idle in my life, so I seldom have time to think about delicious food.That is why I did not confine my art of stealing for a long time to food, but soon extended it to everything I desired; and it was only because I never became a professional thief that I Love money's sake.At one end of the workshop, my master has another private room. The door is always locked. I thought of a trick to open it and then close it without anyone noticing.I sneaked into that room and confiscated the master's handy tools, exquisite patterns and product models. I took everything I liked and everything he deliberately kept from me.The theft, indeed, was innocent, for what I stole was still used in my master's work; but, as I had the little things at my disposal, I liked them very much; When stealing the master's products, it seems that he even stole his technology.Also, in some lockets, I found pieces of gold, pieces of silver, small gems, valuables, and coins.For my part, I was content with four or five sous in my pocket, and so not only did I not touch anything in the box, but I do not remember even glancing at it greedily.When I saw those things, I didn't like them, but horror.I am deeply convinced that my fear of theft of gold and silver, and of the consequences that follow, is largely due to education.The other half is due to the intertwined thoughts of shame, imprisonment, punishment, and hanging in my heart. As long as I steal my heart together, these thoughts will make me shudder; so I always feel that my pranks are just naughty. , which is actually the case.I think that in the end, at most, I will be beaten by my master, which is what I have prepared for a long time ago. But, I repeat, my cravings are so limited that I can't even talk about reining in them, and I don't feel like I have any bad thoughts to give up.A piece of fine construction paper is more attractive to me than money that can buy a ream of paper.My eccentricities arose out of a particular idiosyncrasy of myself.Because this character has had a great influence on my actions, I must speak carefully. My desire is so ardent, and when it is excited, my passion is unrivaled; prudence, reverence, fear, propriety, I give no heed to it, I become a cheeky daring, Shame could not hold me back, danger could not hold me back, and it seemed to me that the world was vast and empty except for the one thing I was infatuated with.However, this was only for a moment, and after that moment, I fell into nothingness again. In moments of tranquility, I am the embodiment of laziness and cowardice; everything frightens me, everything depresses me; a fly flies past and frightens me, and I don't even bother to say a word, even if I don't even bother to make a gesture, my fear and shame restrain me to the extreme, I really want to hide where no one can see.When I have to move, I don't know how to move; when I have to speak, I don't know what to say; if someone looks at me, I feel at a loss.When I am passionate, I can say a few beautiful words, but in ordinary conversation, I have nothing to say, not even a word; The conversation was miserable. Besides, any of my dominant desires cannot be bought with money.Pure play is what I seek, and money defiles all play.For example, I like delicious food, but I can't stand the restraint when the guests are full, and I can't stand the debauchery in the tavern. I can only share the pleasure with a close friend; As a result, you will eat without knowing the taste.If my heart burns with lust and needs women, my excited heart desires more than love.All the women who can be obtained with money will lose all their attractiveness in my eyes, and I even doubt whether I would like to be with such women.I am all about the pleasures that are within my reach.If they need money to buy, I feel dull.I love things that only I get a taste of first. Not only have I never valued money as much as the world does, but I have never even regarded money as a very convenient thing; money is useless in itself, and to enjoy it, it must be transformed into something else: it must be bought, it must be bargained, You must always be deceived; even if you throw more than a thousand, you will not get what you want.I would have liked a good thing, but if I had paid for it, I would have gotten a bad one.I bought a fresh egg at a high price, and it turned out to be a rotten egg; I bought a ripe fruit at a high price, and it turned out to be an unripe one; I bought a pure girl at a high price, and it turned out to be a slut.I love wine, but where can I find it?Are you going to the wine shop?No matter what precautions I took, I ended up with bad wine that hurt my health.If I have to be satisfied, how much trouble and trouble will I have to do!I have to make many friends, find agents, send commissions, write letters, run around, wait for good news, and often end up being duped.Money money, the source of troubles!I fear money more than I love wine.A thousand times during my apprenticeship and after, I have had the desire to go out and buy something sweet to eat.我走到一家点心铺门前，看见柜台那里有几个女人，我心里就想，她们又说又笑，一定是在嘲笑我这个小馋鬼呢。我又走到一家水果店门口，瞟着鲜艳诱人的梨，但是，有两三个小伙子就在旁边盯着我，我的一个熟人正站在店铺门前，我又看见有一个姑娘从远处走来，便怀疑她是不是家里那个女仆？由于我是近视眼，我产生种种的幻觉，我把所有的过路者都当成熟人了。总之，不管在那儿，我都觉得胆怯，都知难而退；我越觉得不好意思，瞅着那些东西就越眼馋。到末了，我只好象一个傻瓜似的，带着馋涎欲滴的食欲转回家去；我口袋里的钱虽然足可供我一顿美餐，但我不敢买任何东西。 在我自己或别人使用我的金钱的时候，我所经常感受到的困窘、羞惭、厌恶、麻烦以及其他种种的不快，如果必须把它们都—一写出来，那就得记一大篇枯燥无味的细账。但是，读者在逐渐了解我的生活的时候，一定会逐渐熟悉我的性格，因此，用不着我来赘述，他们便会了解前面所讲的一切了。 一旦有了这些了解，人们就容易明白我所具有的矛盾之一就是：对于金钱的极端吝惜与无比鄙视兼而有之。对于我，金钱并不是多么可人意的东西；当我没有它的时候，我决不想它；当我有它的时候，由于我不知道怎样使用才合我的心意，只好把它长期存放起来；但是，只要遇到适意的良机，我便顺手花掉，连钱包空了都不知道。不过，不要从我身上寻找守财奴的怪癖——为了摆阔而大手大脚地花钱；恰恰相反，我总是偷偷地花钱，其目的完全是为了自己的快乐；我决不以挥金如土来炫耀自己，而是尽量隐蔽。我深深觉得，金钱不是由我这样的人使用的东西；只要手头有几文，我都感到可耻，更不用说去使用它了。万一我有一笔足能让我过惬意生活的收入，老实说，我决不会当一个守财奴。我一定把这笔款子统统花光，并不用它生利吃息。可是，我的不安定处境使我害怕。我热爱自由，我憎恶窘迫、苦恼和依附别人。只要我口袋里有钱，我便可以保持我的独立，不必再费心思去另外找钱。穷困逼我到处去找钱，是我生平最感头痛的一件事。我害怕囊空如洗，所以我吝惜金钱。我们手里的金钱是保持自由的一种工具；我们所追求的金钱，则是使自己当奴隶的一种工具。正因为这样，我才牢牢掌握自己占有的金钱，不贪求没有到手的金钱。 所以说，我的淡泊不过是出于懒惰罢了。我觉得，有钱的乐趣抵偿不了求财的痛苦。我的挥霍也是出于懒惰，因为既然有了一掷千金的机会，谁还斤斤计较利害得失呢？对于我，物的诱惑力比钱的诱惑力大，因为在金钱和所希望享有的物品之间，永远存在着一个媒介物，而物品本身和享用之间却是毫无间隔的。我看到某一物品时候，它能诱惑我，而当我只看到获得该物品手段的时候，我就感觉不到这种手段的诱惑力。正因为这样，我才做贼，直到现在，我有时还偷一点儿我所心爱的小玩艺儿，我宁愿自己去拿，而不愿向人家讨。然而，在我一生之中，无论是孩提时代还是成人以后，我从来没有偷过人家的一个铜板；只有一次例外，那就是十五年前，我偷过七个利物儿零十个苏。这件事是值得一提的，因为它是无耻与愚蠢的巧合，假若当事者不是我，而是另外的人，我简直不会信以为真。 事情发生在巴黎：约下午五点钟，我跟德·弗兰格耶一同在“王宫”散步。他掏出怀表看了看，对我说：“咱们到歌剧院去吧！”我欣然同意，我们就去了。他买了两张池座，给我一张，然后，他拿着自己那张票一个人在前边走，我跟在后边。他先走进去了，我往里走的时候，发现门口已经挤得水泄不通。我向里边瞧了瞧，只见大家都在站着。我心想，在这样拥挤的人群中，我很容易被挤丢；反正德·弗兰格耶一定这样想。于是，我离开那里，交了副票，取了钱，走了出来。万万没有想到，我刚走到大门口，观众全都坐下了，德·弗兰格耶很清楚地看到我不在剧场里边。 这种行为跟我的天性完全背道而驰。我所以把它记载在这里，是为了说明人们有时陷入精神错乱的状态，在这种情况下，我们不能根据他们的行动断定他们的善恶。我所要偷的不是金钱本身，而是金钱的用途。不过越说不是作贼，就越寡廉鲜耻。 如果我把学徒时代从崇高的英雄主义堕落为卑鄙的市井无赖所走过的每个历程—一讲述，那就永远讲不完了。我虽然染上了学徒的种种恶习，但是，我对这些恶习未能产生丝毫兴趣。我讨厌伙伴们的那些娱乐。当我由于束缚重重，连对工作都感到乏味的时候，我便厌倦了一切。结果，我把久已放弃的读书癖重新捡了起来。我是占用工作时间偷着看书的，因此造成一种新的罪过，惹来一些新的惩罚。不过，我的读书癖越受到限制，兴致也越高，不久，就陷入狂热状态了。有一个有名的女租书商，名字叫拉·特里布，她向我提供了各种各样的书籍。好书坏书都行，我不挑选，什么书我都同样贪婪地阅读。我在干活的案子上读。出去办事的时候读，蹲在厕所里读，我经常一连几小时沉醉在书籍里。我读得头晕脑胀，别的事儿什么也干不下去了。我师傅窥探我，捉住我，打我，抢走我的书。有多少本书被撕毁，被焚烧，被扔到窗户外边去啊！拉·特里布的店铺里，有多少部残缺不全的文集啊！我没钱付给的时候，我就把自己的衬衫，自己的领带，自己的衣服给了那位租书商。我每星期日一定把师傅付给我的三个苏零花钱给她送去。 讲到这里，读者也许要说，金钱不还是必需的吗！that's right.不过，这是在我爱书成癖，不能进行其他活动的时候。新的兴趣完全征服了我；我除了读书而外，什么都不想干，连东西也不想偷了。这也是我身上的突出的特点：当我的某种爱好已经成为习惯的时候，一点儿小事就能使我转移目标，就能改变我，迷惑我，最后使我如醉如痴。于是我忘却一切，一心只想我所倾慕的新的东西了。我口袋里只要有一本新书，我的心就怦怦跳了起来，恨不得一口气把它读完，只要剩下我一个人，我马上就把它掏出来，这时，我再也不想上我师傅的私室里去乱翻了。我相信，即使我爱上什么更高价的娱乐，我也决不会去偷钱的。我只顾眼前，不顾未来。拉·特里布肯赊给我，押金很少。我只要有书放在衣袋里，其他一切就全都抛到九霄云外了。不管得到多少钱，我都原封不动献给那位女老板。当她向我催索欠款的时候，我便立刻拿自己的东西去抵偿，那是最简便不过的办法。偷钱以备不时之需，未免太有远见，偷钱还账也谈不上什么诱惑。 由于吵嘴、打架，由于偷阅选择不当的书，我变得性情孤僻，沉默寡言；我的精神也开始变坏，我过起真正落落寡合的生活来了。虽然由于我嗜书如狂，难免阅读一些平淡无味的东西，但是，我幸而没有阅读那些下流的淫书。原因倒不在拉·特里布这个八面玲珑的女人把这种书租给我有什么良心上的不安，而是每当她向我推荐那些淫书的时候，为了提高租价，总是摆出一副神秘的面孔。这种面孔一方面使我感到羞惭，一方面使我感到厌恶，因此，我每次都断然拒绝了。我的天性本来就腼腆，再加上机缘凑巧，所以一直到三十岁，我认来没有涉猎过任何一部上流社会的漂亮女人在读的时候都觉得难为情的坏书，这种书她们只能偷着看。 不到一年功夫，我把拉·特里布这家小书铺的书全读光了。此后，每当闲暇无事的时候，我就感到十分烦闷。但我的读书癖已经纠正了我那些幼稚无赖的恶习；我对书籍，虽然有时选择不当，而且其中常常有些很坏的东西，可是，凡是我所读过的书籍，在我的内心里，都比我的职业能唤起更高尚的感情。对唾手可得的东西，我感到厌烦，那些可能诱惑我的东西，我又觉得它们离我太远，于是找不到任何能够打动我的心弦的东西了。我的感官早已蠢蠢欲动，我简直想象不出它所要求的享乐究竟要达到怎样的目标。我对于这个真正的目标可谓一无所知，我仿佛是一个没有性欲的人。当我已经进入成年，春情不住发动的时候，我常常想起从前一些古怪的行径，然而，事情只此而已。在这种奇异的情况下，惶惶不安的想象把我从自己的手里拯救出来，平息了我那日益旺炽的欲火。经过是这样：我以沉思默想书中曾使我最感兴趣的环境来自娱，我追忆那些环境，我改变它们，综合它们；我要变成我所想象的人物之一，并使我所设想的那些空中楼阁恰恰适合我的身分。我总是把自己放在我感到最称心如意的地位。到了最后，我已完全处在我所玄想的环境中，竟至把我极端不满的现实环境都忘掉了。由于我喜欢这种空中楼阁，又容易到那里去神游，结果，我就讨厌起我周围的一切，养成了爱好孤独的性格，从此以后，我始终是一个爱好孤独的人。乍看起来，这种性格显然是极端恨世的，十分阴郁的，然而实际上，它是从一颗充满热情、善良、温和亲切的心产生出来的，而这颗心，由于找不到跟它相似的心，就不得不耽于幻想了。现在，我只指出这种癖好的起源与最初的原因就够了。这种癖好改变了我所有的欲念，并且因为这种癖好本身包含着欲念，就使得我热中于梦幻而懒于行动。 就这样，我到了十六岁。这时候，我心神不安，对自己和其他一切都感不满，对自己的工作毫无兴趣，我没有十六岁少年应有的欢乐，心中充满了茫无目的的欲念，我毫无原因地潸然泪下，我无缘无故地喟然长叹，一句话，由于看不到自己周围有什么值得留恋的东西，我就只好寄情于玄思遐想了。每到星期日的时候，我的伙伴们在做过礼拜以后，就来找我跟他们一同出去玩。在未去以前，如果我有可能逃走的话，我是宁愿逃开他们的。不过，一旦参加他们的娱乐，我比谁都兴奋，比谁都跑得远。推动我是很困难的，叫我停下也不容易。我的脾气永远是这样。当我们到郊外去散步的时候，我总是跑在前头，除非别人提醒我，我连到时候该回去都忘了。我有两回不得不在城外过夜，因为在我回城以前，城门已经关上。第二天我受到怎样的处分，是可以想象的。第二次，师傅警告我说，如果下次再犯，一定严惩不贷，因此我下定决心不再冒险了。可是，这个万分可怕的第三次仍然落到了我的头上。米努托里队长是一个该死的家伙，当他看守城门的时候，总比别人提前半个钟头关城门。我虽然早有警惕，结果也毫无用处。那天，我跟两个伙伴一同回城。离城还有半里，我听见预备关城的号声响了。我两步并作一步走。我听见鼓声冬冬地响了起来。我拼命往前跑，跑得通身大汗，连气都喘不上来。My heart was pounding.我远远看见那些兵士还在站岗。我赶紧跑上前去，上气不接下气地呼喊。But it was too late.我在离前卫二十步的地方，看到第一号桥已经吊了起来。当我看到号兵扬起可怕的号角的时候，我身上就哆嗦起来，因为这是凶多吉少的预兆，我那不可避免的遭遇就从这一刹那开始了。 我于万分悲痛中倒在斜堤上，嘴啃着地。伙伴们对于我的不幸只是觉得可笑，他们马上决定应该怎样做。我也确定了自己的方针，但是，我的方针跟他们的完全不同。我当场发誓，从今以后，再也不回我师傅那儿去了。第二天，城门开后，他们回城的时候，我就跟他们永远道别了。只是恳求他们把我的决定偷偷告诉我的表兄贝纳尔，并且通知他可以跟我再见一面的地点。 自从我当学徒以后，因为我住的地方离我表兄家较远，二人就很少见面了。最初，我们每星期日还聚会一下，但是后来，由于我们不知不觉地已经各有所好，两个人就渐渐疏远起来。我相信，这种变化大部分是他母亲促成的。他是上城区的子弟，而我这个可怜的学徒只不过是圣·日尔维区的孩子。尽管有亲戚关系，我们的身分是完全不同的。他跟我常来常往，那是有失体面的事情。不过，我们俩的关系并没有完全断绝。表兄为人憨厚，尽管有他母亲的训诫，他有时还是按照自己的心愿办事。他听到我下定决心以后，就跑来看我。他跑来不是为了劝阻我或者陪我逃走，而是为了送给我一点财物，以便减轻我出逃中的困苦，因为以我自己的财力，我是不能走出多远的。在他送给我的那些东西里还有一把短剑，我非常喜爱它，我一直将它带到都灵。在那里，穷困逼得我把它出脱了，变了钱好买吃食。后来，我越思量表兄在这紧要关头对我所表示的态度，我越觉得那一定是他母亲的主意，并且也许还有他父亲的主意。因为如果依照他自己的意思，他不可能不阻止我逃走，或者跟我同行。然而，他并没有这样做！看他那意思，与其说是在劝阻我，毋宁说是在鼓励我执行自己的计划。当他看到我已经下定决心的时候，他就跟我道别，眼睛里没有流几滴泪。从那以后，我们既没有书信往还，也不曾重新会面。真是千古恨事！他的脾气本来很好，我们俩是天生的一对知心朋友。 当我听天由命、远走高飞以前，让我这样考虑一下：假若我遇见的是一个比较好的师傅，我的前途该是什么样子呢？我觉得在某些行业里，特别是在日内瓦镂刻行业中当一名善良的手艺人，过那种平稳安定的、默默无闻的生活，倒是最合乎我的解性，能够给我带来莫大的幸福。干这种行业，虽然不能发财致富，但是温饱有余。它可以限制我此后的生活中不致有很大的虚荣心，它可以给我充分的闲暇来从事一些有节制的爱好；这样，我就可以满足于我的小天地，既不想也不能僭越雷池一步。我的想象力是非常丰富的，它足可以用那些绚丽的幻想来美化任何生活；我的想象力是十分强烈的，它足可以让我随心所欲地从这一幻想飞驰到另一幻想；至于我自己实际上究竟处在怎样的地位，我是不大在乎的。不论叫我干什么，我都能轻而易举地飞上我所臆造的海市蜃楼。我觉得，天下最简单的职业，最不必费心劳神的职业，最能够保持精神自由的职业，正是最适合于我的职业；而我的职业恰恰是这样一种职业。我本来可以听从自己的性格，在我的宗教、我的故乡、我的家庭、我的朋友间，在我所喜爱的工作中，在称心如意的交际中，平平静静、安安逸逸地度过自己的一生。我将会成为善良的基督教徒，善良的公民，善良的家长，善良的朋友，善良的劳动者，在任何方面都是一个老好人。我本来可以热爱我的职业，也许还能为本业争光，并且在度过虽然朴素微贱、但是既无风波而又安乐的一生之后，在家人的环绕中安然地瞑目。当然，大家很快就会把我忘掉。不过，只要有人想到我，他对我一定会追念不止的。 可是，事情偏偏不是如此……我给大家描述的将是怎样一幅画面呢？Why!先不要急着谈我身世中的那些惨痛境况吧，这种辛酸事，我将来向读者谈得只会太多而不会太少的。