Chapter 19 Chapter Twenty

——A romantic affair Interview time: 9:00 AM, April 8, 1998 Interview location: An agency, Zhou An's office Name: Zhou An Sex: Male Age: 38 years old Graduated from a university majoring in mechanical engineering, now a national civil servant If you resist, you will be eliminated in this competitive environment——I understand the phrase "one misstep will cause eternal hatred"—happy men will devote all their minds to work, and I Can't make people feel like my backyard needs my distraction - love is one of those things that can kill so much and can sometimes kill a lot of hard work - it's the first time I've ever felt that way, and I think this woman will sooner or later One day it will be mine, even if it's just for a short period of time - If this woman is my wife, I will definitely do nothing and want to stay at home and watch her every day - she is the only thing that can make me cheat like this The woman of my life - calm down I think I can't fool her at all - men are not like women, love is a woman's life, a man's life is not love

On April 8, 1998, the interview with Zhou An was an extremely special process. At exactly 9:00, I walked into his office. A tall man sat behind the executive desk in a very decent and dignified manner, smoking a cigarette quietly.His facial features are sharp and angular, his skin is slightly dark, and his eyes can be said to be piercing.He greeted me with his eyes.The secretary closed the door behind me gracefully. Zhou An motioned for me to sit on a leather sofa next to him. He put out the half of a cigarette he hadn't smoked in a fancy glass ashtray among the piles of documents, and breathed out the last puff with his eyes closed.

I stubbornly took out the interview machine, he smiled, held the interview machine in his hand more stubbornly than me, played with it, and put it in his drawer.We made an appointment on the phone, and I did not record or take notes, and did not involve his occupation and identity. After the conversation, we no longer knew each other. "It's not my rules." I once turned him down because he was stubborn. "It's not in line with my rules." He was still stubborn.But I really don't want to give up the opportunity to talk to Zhou An, or I just don't want to give up the story he hinted at me. What's more, Zhou An's uniqueness is that he is a person with a thriving career and a steady career.He said he didn't want to be identified for it, and that everything he did was based on the idea on which his experience unfolded, including his "lifetime grudge".

"You can write about this, but what you write has nothing to do with me," he said. I really want to go back to my interview machine and turn away like the female reporters in the movie, but I can't.Instead, I pulled myself together, tried to focus my full attention, and waited for him to start talking.Let me recite as much of his words as I can. I have put a lot of thought into interpersonal relationships to achieve what I am today. For a person like me, it may be the most suitable career. Zhou An spoke very slowly, it was impossible for him to narrate without any concealment, his identity and status had already determined this point.He has to face all kinds of people up and down every day, and he seeks a background and future from the eyes of these people.

But this is very tiring. From the day you decide to go on like this, you are not yourself.You must let the people below support you, and you must also let the people above feel this kind of support while appreciating you. To get these, you must not only have the ability, but also must do all your behaviors in line with the public's judgment standards. That is to say, from then on, you have to live according to other people's ideas.If you resist, in this competitive environment, you are eliminated.Everything I have now is like this. Of course, I am not saying that I don't like the job I am doing now, but my purpose is definitely not just for a hobby.

If I say that I am a public figure, you may think that I am arrogant, but if I keep doing it in my current position, the result will be to become a public figure in the end. In my eyes, that is success. At this moment the phone rang, but Zhou An didn't answer it, he waited quietly for the ringing to end.Then he got up, went to the outside room and said to the young lady secretary: "If you call me, just say I'm not here. Come back in the afternoon. If there is something urgent, ask them to send a fax to my office." When Zhou An sat down again, his desk The fax machine on the phone is already hesitating.Following the sound of paper being cut, he picked up the manuscript that had just been passed over, read it, and put it aside.He didn't apologize to me like anyone who interrupted my interview because of his own business, he was deadpan, as if I didn't even exist.I think he is really a person who values ​​his own power very much. At the same time, I also told myself very self-deprecatingly that in the eyes of some women, his arrogance will become a kind of so-called charm that only a man with a sense of superiority has. A special kind of sexy pronoun.The status of a person really brings that kind of pitiful thought to oneself and others!I couldn't help but smile.

I'm afraid I understand the saying "A single mistake will cause eternal hatred". My position and ideals determine that I cannot make any mistakes, neither in work nor in life. This is not what I want to tell you, but before I say it, I must let you know me, otherwise you will not be able to understand what I am going to say next. Zhou An lit a cigarette, did not smoke, and stared at the red cigarette butt. I'm 38 years old, I've met a lot of women in my work, I've had a lot of opportunities, some of them have given me a lot of hints, I think it won't be hard if I want to do something, and I understand that there are The people here don't value me as a person but my status. After all, I am a direct boss, and it should be a good deal to have an affair with me.I'm not a erotic guy, and since I understand the stakes, I'm even less likely to start something with them.My wife is a very virtuous woman. Her biggest advantage is that she will never cause trouble for me outside, and she is also very satisfied with my current situation. She enjoys all the treatment I get in this position, such as car, house, Relatively high income is also a privilege that not every man has.In her mind, I am successful, can bring her glory, and give her a sense of superiority, and in order to ensure her sense of superiority, she knows that I should not be too restrictive and demanding, so we are very Stable combination, but also relatively loose and comfortable.It's hard to say whether I love her or not. When I fall in love and get married, I definitely love her. At that time, I was nothing and she was nothing, so the word love can be used at that time.But it's been too long, and now my son is already in the third grade of primary school, and things like love have become far away, so what if there is any?Anyway, in the eyes of others, we are a model family of three, and I need this.A happy man devotes all of his attention to his work, and I can't let it sound like my backyard needs my distraction.

The relationship between my wife and I can't be said to be harmonious or disharmonious, it's no different from other families.I'm busy with work and come home late at night, and she's already asleep.In order not to disturb her, we shared a room with each other several years ago, only occasionally being together.We are all used to it.I remember thinking to myself, living a life like this is very ordinary, but it is also very safe. Men are not born for family and relationship, so it is already very good.If you say regret, maybe you will regret when you are old. I have never experienced any earth-shattering love, but not everyone has the opportunity to experience those, and love is a very lethal thing. Sometimes it will destroy a lot of hard work in one fell swoop. .I think I'm fairly rational, and I'm getting more and more rational now.What I want to tell you about is a not-so-rational experience that I also had.

Zhou An handed me a bottle of mineral water, and he unscrewed a bottle himself and took a few sips. I don't think I'm a person who can't be moved by women, but she is an exception.When I think of her now, I still don't understand why she moved me so much, and still makes me feel uncomfortable. Do you know why I have to make an appointment today? I shook my head at Zhou An's gentle gaze.At this time, this conceited man didn't have a hint of domineering, his face was very handsome because of his peace. Today is an anniversary for me and this woman, we had a really good evening together a year ago.She must think that I don't remember, all my behavior makes her think that I won't remember, but I just can't forget.

At that time, she was my subordinate, doing a very ordinary job.She called me for a long time and I didn't know there was such a person.Once in a meeting outside, she sat very close to me.I turned my face and could see her clearly.It can't be said that she is beautiful, but she has such a vigor about her, which is very attractive.I've never seen such a calm, natural woman who doesn't seem to know how to hide herself.I remember she was wearing several kinds of jewelry that day, and she was wearing a cheongsam-like dress with high slits on the legs, light blue, with faces printed all over it.She looked like she didn't listen to what the people above were saying at all. She was turning the ring on her hand, looking at it as she turned it.I don't know why, and this is the first time I feel that way, I feel that this woman will belong to me sooner or later, even if it is only for a short period of time.Later, she told me that she thought the same thing when she saw me, which is something later.

In principle, she is under my management, but in fact I don't manage her level at all, she is just an ordinary employee.So the two of us are in the same unit but it's not easy for either of us to see each other.One day we met in the corridor, she was wearing a red suit with a very short skirt.She said "Hello", I suddenly had an urge to hold her in my arms, she was standing on the edge of the stairs, looking at me, I don't understand how I reached out and touched her face , she didn't speak, she still looked at me... I think Zhou An must have felt that he had lost his composure at that time, but maybe he was a little bit like himself at that moment, and the behavior that was absolutely inappropriate for a young leader became forgivable. Or I go first.She has been standing on the edge of the stairs. I don't even know what happened to me during that time.After about a month, she suddenly called me, not knowing where she found my pager number.I called back and she said, "You buy me tea." I was in a meeting that day, but I managed to say no and she didn't want to.She only said this sentence, said it twice.She was waiting for me in the tea garden of Poly Building, and it was almost one o'clock at noon when I arrived.She didn't say anything, just looked at me the same way she did that day on the edge of the stairs.I sat across from her and there was only one thing I could do with that look in her eyes. Zhou An looked at me. I kiss her across a table.I was so dizzy, I couldn't remember if there was anyone around me, at that time I had such a woman in my eyes.When I kissed her, I suddenly had an idea in my heart, I jumped and immediately fell down. I felt that I was destined to let this woman down in my life. I can't remember what we said that day, but I remember her telling me that she was married and that her husband treated her well as a child.She almost went out of her parents' door and into her husband's.I think this is probably why she always has a child-like unobstructed aura, and this kind of thing makes me feel that she is very bad at getting along with people, because she doesn't know how to use scheming.I took her home, and when I got downstairs to her house, she said that she would not go back because she was going to buy groceries.She said, "I still have to make dinner." At that time, I felt very uncomfortable, maybe it was jealousy, I don't know. From that day on, I felt that I became a little strange, as if infected by her childishness. For the first time, I was very tired of my work, looking at a pile of documents on the table was annoying, and participating in some activities was like dealing with errands Same.I always think of her kind of smile, which is very faint, but very contagious.Even for the first time, I think a woman is very sexy. Her figure, the very colorful and strange clothes she often wears, and the perfumes she likes all make me want to possess her. impulse. Zhou An was very surprised as he spoke, and I really wanted to ask him if it was because there was no recording that he could talk like this. When I walked out of this office, everything would have disappeared.Zhou An suddenly smiled. You know it even occurred to me that if this woman were my wife, I'd be doing nothing but staying home and watching her every day.Her temperament makes you feel that life is originally a relaxed and happy thing. She hasn't seen me since that day, and neither have I.I'm very busy, and it's impossible for me to take the initiative to find her, maybe it's the constraint of my status.I knew very well in my heart that I couldn't allow myself to have this kind of story, and it was very dangerous to be with this woman. I didn't know what she would do or what she would ask of me. The most important thing was that I was afraid that I would not have the strength to refuse her.It was mean for me to think that, and she later said the same to me. Although the opportunities are rare, it is impossible not to meet each other in a unit.We met again in the hallway.She actually called me by title, at that moment I really didn't know what to say.She still stood still.I blurted out and asked her out to chat.She didn't think it was sudden at all, she took out a pen, wrote a phone number on a small piece of paper and handed it to me, saying: "Call me before you come tonight." I did everything.When the two of us are together, I always feel that I am being led away by her. For a person like me, ten years older than her, I will be very passive. That day was the first time I went to her house, and she was the only one at home.I usually give people the impression that I am very talkative. Many people are willing to chat with me and think that my words are humorous.But I can't be humorous when I'm with her. We don't seem to have much to say, just looking at each other is enough.She poured me a glass of wine, which seemed to be a very strong wine, and she drank it slowly by herself.She was listening to something very like the music of the Mediterranean.When I was looking for a topic, she suddenly spoke, and she asked me a very strange question: "Do you know how many women care about you?" I don't know how to answer.She laughed, that way like a child.She seemed to have a special desire to express that day. She said that she knew why I was so strict with myself, because I was afraid that it would not be worthwhile to affect my official career because of a small loss.I just listened to her, she sat next to me, leaning on my shoulder very naturally.Her voice became very small, and she said as if she was drunk: "You like me, I will not threaten you, I will not make demands on you, I will hide you in the most secret place in my heart, no one will find out No... When you feel boring, you will leave me, and then I will miss you in my heart..." I really can't resist.There was something strange about this woman that attracted me, and I couldn't give up on her or approach her.When I was holding her, I saw a bruise on her shoulder, and I asked her.She thought for a while and said: "My husband is not as healthy as I am. Sometimes he is unhappy, and when he is particularly unhappy, he pinches me..." She never told me how she lived, but at that time I had a feeling that She wasn't having a good time.I was impulsive and wanted to do something with her.But when I reached into her clothes, she suddenly sat up straight and said, "I'll invite you to watch a VCD." I don't remember the name of that movie, but the plot was very impressive.It's about a man who is about to be a senator and falls in love with his son's girlfriend. The two fall in love at first sight and spend a lot of time together. His son finds them in bed, and the son falls down the stairs and dies. .It became a scandal and the man's career was ruined.The end of the movie is really good, the man said he met the woman again later, and she was with another man with a child, and she was no different from any woman. I interrupted Zhou An and told him that it was a movie starring Juliette Binoche and Jeremy Irons, called "Lover in Fire", which was also translated as "Destruction".Zhou An listened and nodded slightly. I think she showed me this on purpose.She is a very smart woman.When I left that day, she raised her feet and kissed me, and said, "You can come after you think about it." There are still many women beside me who please me, big or small, and they follow me in small steps backwards, smiling like a flower, but I always think of the piece on her shoulder purple seal.One night I had a reunion with my old schoolmates and we all drank a lot and a group of half drunk men started talking nonsense and everyone had some little story, true or false, anyway everyone All bragging.I have nothing to brag about.They ran on me in turn, saying that I wanted to be an official and wanted to go crazy, suppressing myself.I don't say anything, I have her shadow in my heart, and what she said that night.I suddenly felt that she was the most important thing I should have in my life.I ran outside to call her, but it was already past 12 o'clock at night, and I said I had figured it out.She seemed to be still awake when she heard the voice, she said, "Tomorrow night." The next day I had a big conference, and I was totally out of my mind.It was after 5 o'clock, and the meeting finally ended, so I called her quickly.She was still very calm and said, "You can come by yourself." Then she told me an address.When I found her according to the address, she looked different from before.The hair seemed to be done on purpose, and she wore a peach dress and makeup.It looks very formal.She was already in my arms when the door was closed, and I smelled a very familiar perfume, which was all on my clothes when I left her last time.It wasn't her house, she didn't tell me whose house it was, and I didn't ask.There is a big vase beside the bed, which contains a lot of birds of paradise, very red and very red.Because it's not her home, I don't know if these flowers have anything to do with her, but I still think that these flowers are prepared for me by her.She is indeed a very sexy woman, and she is very natural in this kind of thing... You don't think anything else when I tell you this? Zhou An suddenly cut off the narration by himself and cast his eyes on me.I said no, I want to hear facts not judgment.He nodded and continued. I have never felt so good to have sex with a woman, her panting and hair on her shoulders are so exciting, I talk in her ear, I say I really am Love her, love her very, very unreasonably.She closed her eyes, tears streaming down her eyes, and she said: "I will remember you forever..." In fact, I have already passed the age of believing in all kinds of vows, but I just believe in her, and I don't care about her. Is what I said true? I really will never forget her for the rest of my life. She is the only woman who can make me cheat like this. She had been crying that night, the silent kind.I don't know how to coax women, and I have never been so close to a woman except my wife. I don't know myself anymore.I feel that this woman holds a lot of things in my hands, and she can influence my choices.Thinking of this makes me feel dangerous again.When I say this, you will think that I am nothing and hypocritical, but I am telling the truth.No one can let me lose everything I have gained from being a human being carefully for so many years.I lied to her that day, I said that I had a very important event at night, and I had an appointment with a very important person.She buttoned my shirt, her long, beautifully manicured nails dangling on my chest, and I always remember what she said.She said, "I never wanted your whole life. This one time is enough for me. It may not be important to you, but it is very important to me. You won't understand." I looked at her The purple seal on the exposed shoulder has not completely faded, and he scolded himself for not being human.After I calmed down, I felt that I couldn't lie to her at all. She knew everything at the time, otherwise she wouldn't say that.She said she knew we wouldn't have any results, and we were nothing if we walked out of her door, she said she wasn't suitable for someone like me, that's what we were meant to be.The more she said that, the more I felt sorry for her. There was no expectation in her eyes, and I felt that she was more pitiful... Zhou An stopped.His excitement was different from others, he tried his best to endure it, and when he reached for the cigarette case, the cigarette case fell to the ground.He bent down to pick it up, and didn't straighten up for a while. Probably since then, every time I hear someone say someone is very pitiful, I will think of her appearance that night. She stood by the door with tears on her face, watching me, the person who lied to her, go out.I know that as long as I am willing, as long as I really love her as I told her that day, I have the ability to change the two of us, but I don't want to.If I insist on her, there will be no today. Sometimes I ask myself, is it because I know that she wants nothing from me that I took advantage of her love and dared to tell her that I love her. If she was like those women who stared at me, I would have avoided it. Far away?I think I am.So I often feel that I am nothing, hypocritical and cowardly.This feeling made me feel that I was not incurable, and I still had a little conscience. Since then, I have demanded that I must not have anything to do with her, and even in a unit, I began to consciously avoid her.Ashamed to say, I almost tortured both of us in a way that hurt her and myself.I deliberately chatted with other colleagues in front of her, as if I didn't see her; there was an opportunity to study for an MBA, and the branch she was in recommended her, and I deliberately disagreed.She seemed to understand what was going on with me. After about two months, she resigned and went to Guangzhou with her husband. I approved her resignation report.There were several people in my office discussing a matter.I took the pen and didn't know how to write the name on it.Her supervisor stood next to me and said: "This person is also poor, she has to follow her husband in everything. But a poor person must have something to hate, and her husband is quite rich." I put my pen It fell on the table, and that person shut up.Probably that was the only time I acted uncharacteristically in front of other people and walked out without answering anyone. I was driving alone on the Third Ring Road, and my cell phone was right in front of me. I couldn't think whether I should call her, but at this moment, I knew very well that I really loved her, no matter what others said about her life. , I love her as I told her that night, very, very unreasonably.I actually want to fuck her while I'm driving, want to hold her in my arms, don't give the fuck away. She answered the phone when I called, she said she was packing up, her husband had left first, and she was on the plane ticket for the next day.I said I would come to her, but she thought for a while and said, "You can do it yourself." Same as last time. Her house was very messy, the boxes were lined up on the floor, the furniture was covered with a big white cloth, and the white cloth on the bed was half lifted, as if she had just been lying down.She was very calm, and poured me a glass of the same wine as the day I watched the movie. She huddled in the sofa without drinking anything, her long skirt covering her feet.According to the formula in the movie, at this time I should say "don't go" and hug her, but I can't open my mouth or reach out.After a while, she said, "I'm leaving tomorrow. I'll give you that VCD." When I hugged her, I spilled wine all over her body.I know that I may never see her again in my life, and I am holding back some words, and I am afraid I will never have the chance to say them to her.I started talking, telling the truth.I take responsibility for every word I say.I said: "I am not a man anymore, I will never succeed in my life, because any of my achievements will be at the price of hurting you, I dare not do what I want to do. I look at you standing When I took a taxi on the side of the road, I really wanted to take you home or take you to a place where the two of us were together, but I didn’t dare. The major I like, and you are the most qualified person, but I am afraid that others will think that I am partial to you; I want to kiss your eyes when I meet you in the corridor, but I can only pretend not to see... In fact, I can change a lot things, but I dare not destroy the current state, I know it is not good now..." Zhou An paused, the cigarette in his hand was covered with long ash, he didn't seem to notice it.The ash fell off and landed on his trousers. I'm not in good shape, that's also true. She put her hand over my mouth and wouldn't let me speak.I held her face, but there was still no expectation in her eyes, I was very big in her pupils.She unbuttoned my shirt one by one just like when she was buttoning my shirt that day, and then led me to her bed without saying a word.This time she didn't cry, she kept her eyes open and looked at me from beginning to end. I felt her body was so light and weightless, she was like a soft fish in my hand.She said what she said that day again: "I will always remember you..." When it was getting dark, she said: "You go." I wanted to hug her, but she took a step back.She lowered her head, and it took a long time before she said: "Let's not give up anything for anyone else. This is already pretty good. I will abide by what I said, and I will keep my mouth shut for the rest of my life." Zhou An's phone rang suddenly.Instinctively, he stretched out his hand and immediately retracted it. I stayed in her house for a long time that day, and she never turned on the light. Zhou An picked up the bottle of mineral water and drank it seriously, one sip at a time.When he spoke again, he became that stubborn man again. After she left, I was still the same as before. I knew in my heart that this is my life.I wanted to find you because I read an article you wrote called "You are the deep imprint in my heart". I am different from that person, but I understand him very well. He has his reasons. Women are different, love is a woman's life, but a man's life is not love. I knew I was being abrupt, but I still asked, "Do you think she looks down on you?" Zhou An was taken aback for a moment, but his usual tact made him immediately relieved. Maybe.But I think we both understood from the very beginning that I would not give up my pursuit for her, and it was impossible for her to leave the kind of life she already had now. Her husband is a businessman and very rich.I think we are all very realistic people.And if I divorce for her, what will others think of me?If I am nothing because of this, will she still love me as much as before? I will always remember her though, she was such a special woman. When I was leaving, I asked Zhou An: "Do you want to find a writer?" He said: "You can figure it out." He stretched out his long arm from behind me and opened the door for me. man's movements.I suddenly imagined that if I was a woman hoping to change my status through a shortcut, would I have the illusion of being favored?If I were a man like Zhou An, would I be complacent because of the illusion of the woman around me?Zhou An's "she" is actually very sensible, she understands that such a man is destined not to bring her the love he promised, just as Zhou An knows that love cannot bring him a promotion. Out of some mentality, I asked Zhou An: "When you are old, you have everything, will you regret not having her?" Zhou Ansong went out, the sun was shining on his face, I couldn't see his expression clearly, he smiled heartily like he was on TV and said, "She is always in my heart!" I don't know if he's telling the truth this time. When I got home, I immediately started writing this interview. When I searched my memory, I couldn't help guessing what the woman looked like from Zhou An's narration.When I write about the process of their love, there is a kind of sadness.Pick up the phone and call Zhou An's office, but he hasn't left yet.I said: "I believe that you really loved each other at that time..." After a while of silence, I heard him hang up the phone with a "ta". Now, I'm done.Zhou An, am I right?