——You are the deep imprint in my heart Interview time: March 1997 Interview location: Huijuan's home in a residential building in Sanlitun, Beijing. Name: Huijuan Gender: Female Age: 32 years old Graduated from a university in Beijing majoring in Chinese. He used to be a reporter and editor for a newspaper in Beijing, and a translator and reporter for an overseas news agency.Currently living in San Francisco, USA. My body wandered from one man to another - a specific marriage and a specific happiness I never got again - I was not a very dutiful woman in my bones - probably this kind of darkness Means me and him will never have the light of day - I say "sorry" to the big iron gate - I made such a big joke with myself

I reunited with Huijuan in January 1997 at a Spanish painter's exhibition, and I recognized her at a glance as she was whispering to a blond boy.Although she is no longer the delicate girl with long hair and shoulders, the charm of a mature woman still makes her stand out.There was no Chinese character on the business card she handed over. Now she is a reporter for an overseas news agency based in Beijing, her name is Julia. I still call her "Sister Juan".Her smile is still bright, and there is somewhat a sense of desolation in the vicissitudes of life: "For six years, I thought no one would recognize me anymore." Indeed, six years have passed unconsciously, and we The last time we saw each other was at her wedding, and now, she should be the mother of at least one child.So naturally I greeted her husband, a very gentle man I had ever met.She held my hand and said, "We divorced two years ago." When my searching eyes fell on her face, she smiled slightly: "Don't ask me why."

After we made an appointment to reminisce, she turned and left. When she stepped out of the exhibition hall, the foreigner who had never left her side put her arms around her shoulders.Huijuan sat in front of me refreshed on a fine day in March.She said that she had never told anyone about the series of changes she had made from Huijuan to Julia, from the wife of an ordinary and considerate man to the secret lover of a petty politician and then to a cohabiting partner of a foreign colleague. All this is called "wandering". "My body wanders from one man to another, and my heart wanders from carefree to miserable to full of utilitarianism and so-called reality. I don't know if this is what people call maturity," she said.

Huijuan used to be a master at writing prose, her narrative language made me feel like I was there, and her expression was calm and consistent. 1991 was the second year after I graduated from university. The man I married was my first love. His name was Lin Feng.I was 25 years old and worked as a reporter and editor for a trade newspaper.He is 4 years older than me and works in a foreign trade company.We should count it as a typical popular combination, the husband has a high income, and the wife has a decent job and leisure.At that time I had no living burdens.Now that I think about it, I have done it to this day.

Lin Feng often travels on business, he probably thinks I'm too lonely, and brings back a small gift every time as compensation.That's when I started writing essays, also to fill my time after get off work.The things written in that state of mind are very similar to diaries. They are all for him alone or for our marriage, so they are very self-centered, which is the kind of narcissistic writing you mentioned. When Huijuan smiled, her head was slightly tilted back and her eyes were half-closed. This was her new "foreign" expression that I had gradually adapted to since our reunion.Seems like a no-brainer.

I always put that book next to his pillow. Sometimes when he comes back from a business trip, I am on duty at the newspaper office. As soon as he sees the book, he knows that I am welcoming him home. In fact, my article can be published all because of him.I don't know when he transcribed each one for me, and then sent them to those newspapers and magazines.Later, I inexplicably received the manuscript fee, and he took out the sample papers he had collected.On our first wedding anniversary, the gift he gave me was a newspaper clipping, which was full of articles I published everywhere. He said that every time I published an article, he would deposit 500 yuan for me, and he would make it up one day With 200,000 words, he published a book at his own expense. He said it was the book of the two of us.

We lived a comfortable life for more than two years, which should be the most peaceful period of my life, a concrete marriage and a concrete happiness.I never got it again. It was a man who changed my destiny, a...how should I put it?He can be regarded as a politician now, but at that time he was still climbing the ladder. I don't know if strong women always have a self-deprecating look when they recall their less strong years, or if only using this expression to treat the unsuccessful days of the past can show strength.Huijuan's appearance is a bit like the so-called "strong woman" full of performance in the movie.

The winter of 1993 was extremely cold, and I remember that I was always wearing the fur coat that Lin Feng gave me.It was a cloudy day, and I was already looking at the proofreading at dusk. The editor-in-chief called and asked me to come to his office.I met Ding Li for the first time there, he is our propaganda minister.The editor-in-chief said that he came to see the news edition in person.I thought it was ridiculous at the time, such a small blackboard-like newspaper was worth it, almost enough.I didn't think so, so I nodded and handed him the big sample, but he didn't answer, and gave me my seat very politely.He has an amiable affinity with him, and maybe people who are climbing will let themselves have such an energy.But I was still quite infected.He pointed out to me how to make the title and how to cut down the text to make it more concise. He was right, and I wrote it down on a manuscript paper.When I looked up at him, I saw that his teeth were very white, his eyebrows were thick, and he looked about thirty-eight or nine years old.

After his modification, the main news version has indeed become a little better.During that time, Lin Feng was also on a business trip.I was on duty every Thursday, and the headlines were the last to sign and go to press, so I was always the last to leave the paper.If Lin Feng is not on a business trip, he will come to the newspaper office to pick me up from get off work. We have a small red car, which he drives all the time.It is reasonable to say that my life is already very good. At that time in Beijing, we were regarded as the middle class. I don’t understand why that kind of life can’t let me settle down. The only explanation can only be that Lin Feng and I have no relationship. The fate of growing old.

Although Huijuan's indifference is revealed in every minute of the narrative, her regrets about her first divorce are still everywhere.Of course she didn't admit that she regretted it. Our workload has increased virtually due to Ding Li's continuous improvement, but we must say that he is a very competent leader. He speaks humorously and thinks quickly. His colleagues accept him very much and consciously practice some of his ideas. Requests and ideas.Slowly we know that he is 39 years old, he studied journalism at a university in the South.That's all, I really have no other ideas.

I was the last one to leave the office that day. Lin Feng was on a business trip to Malaysia, but no one came to pick me up.I stood on the side of the small road outside the newspaper office and waited for a taxi.At this time, a blue Toyota car parked in front of me, it was Ding Li.He said it was too late and he could take me home.He drove by himself because "I don't want to drag the driver down, just like him, there is no morning or evening".He drives very skillfully, even beautifully.I like to watch men drive, and it's the same for Lin Feng, every time I say that, he will drive our car to fly.Ding Li asked me to lead the way while talking to me.He actually read some of my essays, and jokingly called them "little women's essays". He also said that "little women" refers to those modern women who have money, leisure, and delicate emotions, saying that they are a new class.I explained that for a woman like me who gets off work so late, even the most delicate feelings are blunted.We laugh together.At that time, I felt that this person was not the kind of petty bureaucrat who had been worn out. Huijuan shook her head. Of course, later circumstances proved that my feeling was inaccurate.We broke up downstairs in my house, and the last words he said when he left were: "The prose is very good, very pure, I like it very much." Later on Thursday, when Ding Li came to the newspaper office in the evening, the editor-in-chief asked me to call him because I was the only one left with no signature.He called back and said he couldn't come to the meeting.I left the newspaper office at about eight o'clock that day.At the gate, a blue Toyota parked on the side of the road.Ding Li looked very tired, with his left hand resting on the steering wheel, holding half a cigarette.I thought he came to see the show, so I waited for him to return to the office with me.He put me in the car and said, "I'll take you home." Huijuan stopped and went to the kitchen to add some hot water for herself. I knew she had reached a critical point. Maybe she needed to calm down or choose a less agitated way of expression.I think her self-conscious cut-off narrative is very different from ordinary Chinese women who are eager to talk.Probably this is the so-called foreign culture she soaks in every day. I am not a fool.No matter how dull a woman is at this time, she will understand, so there is no need to say anything.The way home was shortened little by little, and I was a little panicked.Thinking about it now, maybe I was also hoping for something to happen at that time. I don’t think I am a very responsible woman in my bones, and it can be said that I just live a responsible life because I am not reconciled.He turned on the radio, and I remember very clearly that after the host read the names of a group of people, it was "Love Is Like the Tide" sung by Xinzhe Zhang.The lights on the Second Ring Road are dim, and those two lyrics are repeated in my ears: "My love is like a tide, love is like a tide, pushing me towards you..." I have often thought these years, in fact, sometimes people are I will design a destiny for myself, and then consciously practice it according to that design. I am this kind of person.The environment and atmosphere at that time were actually planned by us artificially, so it's no wonder that nothing happened. My fate was rewritten by myself at this time.The car was parked on the side of the road, but he didn't leave, smoking quietly.When I said I was going to leave, he grabbed my hand. In fact, we should have grabbed each other, maybe I was stronger than him.I forgot everything, who I am, who is Lin Feng, who this person is, whether I want to work with him in the future... all forgotten.We both went upstairs in the dark, opened the door, and made love in the dark.Everything is done in the dark, probably this kind of darkness means that he and I are destined to never have light. After getting dressed and sitting on the sofa, I found that I never dared to look at him again.My home is full of traces of my life with Lin Feng. Our wedding photos are hung on the wall, and the small notebook I write is next to the pillow. In just ten minutes, I smashed all of these.I no longer have the face to say that I am pure, and this leader who I have known for such a short time has become a secret and a pain in my heart... I don’t know if all women who have similar experiences will cry, anyway, I cry very much sad.Ding Li hugged me, and I heard him say: "I want you to be my little woman." Huijuan picked up my teacup and walked into the kitchen. When she came back, her attitude was much more relaxed. Lin Feng came back on Saturday.Before that, I did a thorough cleaning of the house, and replaced the sheets, pillowcases and quilt covers with new ones, but it didn't work. I couldn't get rid of the embarrassment and guilt.As soon as Lin Feng entered the door, he hugged me and said what he would say every time he came home: "My wife, I really miss you." I felt very uncomfortable when I heard it.There is nothing wrong with Lin Feng. He loves me wholeheartedly, almost innocently. I don't know if I love him too, but the fact that he is my husband is obvious. Ding Li didn't change anything.From this point, I also saw the difference between men and women.If a woman is in love, there will be some clues from her expression and behavior, but a man can cover it up very well, just like a client at night can become a celebrity in the morning.He still came to the newspaper office, laughing and laughing with everyone.He sometimes asks me some puns, and I answer in the same way.I was a little proud of the thought that only the two of us could understand.One Thursday, Lin Feng was waiting for me to get off work at the gate of the newspaper office. When I was sitting in the car, I suddenly saw Ding Li standing next to his car from the front windshield, and was looking at me.His eyes were a little sad and cramped, we almost passed him and his car, Lin Feng didn't seem to see him at all, that's how he was, as long as he was with me, he couldn't see anything.Later I realized it didn't feel right either.But Ding Li's expression left a deep impression on me, I am afraid that all my subsequent decisions are related to his vision. Lin Feng's job changed at this time, the company sent him to Thailand as a permanent resident, and he could take his wife after one year.Ding Li hadn't come to the newspaper office since that night, and there were many legends about him, most of which said that he was going to be the director of the bureau soon. He appeared again in April 1994. At that time, I was the kind of left-behind lady that people said. He was a little thinner than before, and he still talked and laughed. He sent me home again that day. The moment I got into his car , I was really desperate, for Lin Feng and me. The car was still parked in the same place, and he immediately turned around and kissed me, and I was still crying. He mentioned that day at the gate of the newspaper office: "I have an indescribable pain in my heart . "At this moment I decided to leave Lin Feng. I wanted to have a pure love, and I also wanted to give Lin Feng a complete life without deceit or concealment. Who knows why I am so wrong! I touched Ding Li's On the forehead, there were lines of wrinkles on it, and I actually said: "I won't let you feel that way again. " Huijuan grinned.There is a word called "littleness makes wisdom faint", and I was "emotion makes wisdom faint" at that time.Lin Feng came back in August 1994 to accompany me for follow-up visits.I refused to have sex with him that night and sat alone in the living room watching an endless soap opera.When it was almost 11 o'clock, Lin Feng asked me: "Who is he?" I thought it was time, so I said: "I can't tell you." What he said next surprised me: "It was the person who drove the Toyota that day, yes Isn't that right?" Lin Feng slapped me like those people in the movie.I slept in the living room, the first time we were separated and the last time we lived in the same home. There is no property issue in our divorce. I don't want anything, just take some of my own things, including clothes, books and tapes. I haven't forgotten to bring the newspaper clippings made by Lin Feng.Originally we were going to publish a joint book, but it was never possible.The house was divided by Lin Feng's unit, so I have to move out.When I call for a taxi.Lin Feng gave me a thick envelope and said: "If you don't want anything, just take the money. If you can't find a house, you can live here. I will go back to Thailand tomorrow and don't rush you." He left after saying these words, I haven't seen him again to this day. I moved out anyway, and the money stayed in the original home.I cried when the door was locked, and I said "sorry" to the big iron door. I rented a 10-square-meter bungalow on the side of the third ring road and became a single woman. No one knew about it.I didn't tell Ding Li either, I didn't want him to think that I was threatening him with this behavior and forcing him to make some promises. I still think that women are sometimes very noble and self-disciplined, but men are not required to be self-disciplined. like a martyr. Huijuan has expressed her love for women many times, and she uses the best words for women, such as brave, pure, tenacious, flexible and so on.She said that in the face of this series of virtues of women, men appear very "uninteresting", they shrink.Weak, muddled and afraid of responsibility. Everyone said that Ding Li has the hope of becoming the new leader, so I can't reveal anything, men want official careers. Christmas was the first time I saw Ding Li after my divorce, and he came to our dinner.He is the kind of person who is very thoughtful and greets everyone with a smile.When talking about me, his eyebrows trembled unknowingly, and asked me why I lost so much weight.I wanted to smile at him, but I couldn't.Everyone was playing karaoke that day, and he sang different songs with different people. Everyone talked about his literary and military skills and his promotion.Those joys are far away from me, I can't devote myself to thinking about those nights and the person I hurt in one stroke.I thought again of the pain that Ding Li said, and I totally understand it, because that's how I feel right now. Ding Li also asked to sing with me, and my colleagues applauded, so I could only deal with it.It is a song in the TV series written by Qiong Yao, "You are the deep imprint in my heart".Before this, this song never touched me, but after this it became my favorite song to listen to.Ding Li sang "You are the depths of my dream soul \ I will never stop thinking \ You are my infatuation in this life and this life \ I will never regret..." I suddenly couldn't help crying.Ding Li was very calm and said that I was probably not feeling well, so he took me home first.He got another perfect score for his personality. My hut made him understand the story that happened during this period, I couldn't say a word, and I thought he could understand that I did it to make him no longer feel heartache.He said: "How can you be so stupid, so stupid..." Huijuan smiled slyly. What he said was true and true, but wasn't I confused at the time?It sounds like "I love you".We're here to make love, passionate and committed.Regardless of anything else, Ding Li is still very good at making love, and it may be because I am younger than his wife. Ding Li has a key to my place. He doesn't come here often because he says he is busy.I never take the initiative to look for him, everything is at his convenience, after all we are different, he is a good man with a bright future, I am just a lonely divorced woman.I never asked him to say things like he would marry me. On the one hand, it was because I thought I was a modern woman who dared to be brave, and on the other hand, I didn’t want people to think that I was with him for his status.It's hard to live alone, and every night is long.This is different from those days when Lin Feng was on a business trip; at that time, I knew that a man who belonged to me would soon return to our common home, and my heart was very at ease, but now my man is another woman's husband. Every time Ding Li left my place around 9 o’clock, he said he had to wait for someone’s call, to write something, to prepare a speech for a meeting, to ask his superiors for instructions... After he left, I would wrap up Sitting on the bed under the quilt, sitting for a long time, there are still some paper balls we just used leftover on the ground, I am a bit like an outhouse raised by some "members outside" in the Song Dynasty, right? Huijuan suddenly laughed out loud, which startled me.Look at her eyes, there are faint tears.I remembered what she often said: "Whoever suffers knows." You definitely don't understand, and there is something even more incomprehensible to you.Once he asked me what virtue and ability he had to get me.I said: "I am the most reliable lover who wants nothing but love me. If one day you have to leave me, I will keep my mouth shut for you all my life." I really want to slap myself! I really knew who Ding Li was in the winter of 1995. I had to find him because I was pregnant.At that time, he was already "Director Ding", and he rarely came to my hut, and he was no longer in charge of my newspaper office, so we had a rare chance to meet.My pregnancy reaction was severe, and the doctor warned me that if I didn't want it, I had to do it right away, and I couldn't wait any longer.I really have no choice, this is not my own business, I must seek his opinion.This was the first time I called his office. I was very nervous and a little excited. I didn't know how to tell him that I was the mother of his unborn child. He was not in. The secretary said that he had gone to Xiehe Hospital for treatment.It was also the hospital I was going to, so I decided to go to him and decide on the spot whether to take it or not. I was probably naive enough, sitting in a taxi and even planning his performance, imagining that he would be very happy, even if I had an operation, he would always be with me and feel sorry for me.We're no different than real couples except we don't have a marriage certificate. But I was wrong.Everything about this day has taught me that I no longer believe that all ideal designs can become reality.I ran into them in the hallway of internal medicine, him and his wife.The woman was very thin, with a pale complexion, and she should be more beautiful. Ding Li supported her, looking very considerate.We face each other.After all, Ding Li is an official, and his reaction is very quick. He asked me if I was sick like an old colleague, and introduced his wife to me. The woman nodded to me generously. The performance is extremely in place.Ding Li said that he had a cold recently and his wife caught a cold.I didn't hear anything clearly, I just saw his mouth moving habitually, saying some hypocritical words, and his face was filled with the kind of affinity that left me a good impression when we first met, and later I knew it was his must prepared expression. Huijuan finally couldn't bear to light a cigarette for herself. It was a brand I had never seen before. She said it was called "Eve", an American product, and the blond man only bought this kind of cigarette for her.The smoke lingers between me and her, I don't know if she can be more relaxed and natural this way. They left, and I stood still and couldn't move.I finally met his wife. He never mentioned her to me, but he never left her during our cheating days.Those nights of making phone calls, writing manuscripts, accompanying guests, and reading documents, in fact, the calls he had to wait for, the manuscripts he wanted to write, the guests he wanted to accompany, the documents he wanted to read, etc., were all due to this woman who was pampered by him. It's all so grand.I'm nothing, a man came here to kill me and his illegitimate child... I found the obstetrics and gynecology department to be the most intimidating place, where women are no different than female cattle.Those disinfectants, clips, alcohol and the like are all cold, and so is my heart.The doctor is very kind, talking to me while doing it.In fact, I very much hope that she will be more cruel and make me feel ashamed or ashamed, so that I may feel better in my heart.To be honest, the person I missed at that time was my ex-husband, it was unfair to him, and I had no right to think about him, but he just burrowed into my heart like that.After marrying him, he has been very careful, for fear that I would get pregnant. I remember he said that he was very afraid that I would enter the obstetrics and gynecology department, and he was afraid that I would faint because of fear. When Ding Li came, it was already the fourth day after my surgery.He could understand the medicines and test sheets on the table at a glance.He actually shed tears and said the old saying: "You make me feel pain in my heart." Suddenly, I didn't care. Only I knew whether it hurt or not. The doctor showed me the piece that was pulled out of my body. When I was a little meat, I used to be in pain, but now I don't know what pain is.He bought me a bunch of food, sat on the chair by the bed and looked at me.I lay with my eyes closed and said nothing.When he took my hand, I said the only thing: "Go home, your wife has a cold." This is the last time Ding Li came to my hut. Huijuan rubbed her eyes vigorously a few times, then stood up and went to another room to answer a call—the same person had already called her three times.I heard intermittent English, as if she was not at home tonight, and asked the other party to come here tomorrow morning, the sooner the better.When she came back, her expression was as happy as when we met again. I resigned in the spring of 1996.I had no other choice, mainly because I couldn't face such an environment.My news page often reports news about Ding Li, and he is on the rise.His personal life is actually a part of his career, and he will not change his status for a divorced woman like me. The difference between us is that I don’t want anything but love, and he doesn’t need love as long as he has status. Huijuan laughed again.There is no desolation, only ridicule. If I ended up in his office asking for my house keys to get revenge on him, so be it.I told his secretary that I was a Beijing correspondent for a newspaper, and my name was Julia, and they immediately agreed.I came to his office as agreed, and the secretary sent me to him, which surprised him.But he was really experienced, and he frowned and scolded me when the secretary went out.He said to me like criticizing a child: "You are too self-willed, how can you come here to find me? Go back and wait for me, and I will come over after work. I don't have the mood to entangle with him anymore. I have a relationship with myself. Such a big joke, the person I love has such a face, I found fear and panic in his face. I told him I just came to get my keys back, I am moving again, and I will follow the As I said, "I will keep your mouth shut for the rest of my life". I am really sad, the kind of relationship I asked for is doomed to be impossible, and it is definitely not something such a petty politician can give, and I suddenly want to tease him After a while, I said, "You don't think I'm here to threaten you, do you?Is your lover's cold better? "He didn't speak, and stood in front of me. I found that he was a little old. I didn't know what kind of mentality it was. I reached out to touch his face, but he avoided it very instinctively. At that moment, I could almost say Totally giving up, those nights. The blue Toyota, the puns, the lovemaking that goes into it every time, all faded away. I still reached out. He reached out from the back of the drawer The key to the hut, I grabbed it hard and held it in the palm of my hand, really holding my past and present lives. After I left Ding Li's office, I went to the place where I used to live, which was the home of Lin Feng and I, and it was also the place where Ding Li and I said goodbye every time we were secret lovers.Formally and emotionally, I know everything.I really hoped to run into Lin Feng, but it didn't happen so coincidentally. When Huijuan was telling her story, she always stopped and asked me if I thought she was stupid, but I didn't answer.Then she asked the question again.I shook my head and asked her back, "Do you regret it?" She smiled and let out a puff of smoke: "People only regret for lying. I am so real, what is there to regret?" She closed her eyes and slowly said to him: "What does it matter if you love it or not? We are the best partners, in every way, enough. Love is too much of a luxury for me, it's not as affordable as a green card." She turned on the stereo, and the song that once made her cry filled the room: "You are the deep imprint in my heart \ You are the only figure in my eyes \ You are the eternal story in my dreams \ You are the one that keeps rolling around in my ears Exhort..." I dare not ask her, who is that "you" that appears repeatedly.