Chapter 3 Chapter 2 Boyfriends

My male literary friends include Zhang Zun, Li Guan, Zhang Xiaodong, Mei Xun and several others. I love them to varying degrees, there is a deep attachment emotionally, if I don’t see them for a few days, I will look for them, whether it’s sunny or raining, I will run to the compound where they live Go, stand downstairs and shout their names loudly (How uneducated, how unladylike! I don’t like ladies even now, this fruit of civilization, they walk on tiptoes, sit with their chests and stomachs in , talk like an ant, eat like a bird, I will feel tired in front of them), if there is no one upstairs, I will ask the neighbors.

Each of their wives is recognized as a beauty in the whole city, she is the school girl in the university, and the queen in the ball, and they are very attractive.In the 1980s, all beauties were willing to marry a young writer. That was really the golden age of literature!Even if ten years have passed, if you visit Nanning now, their wives are still as charming as ever, and real beauties never grow old.Of course, none of them are natives of Nanning. There are no beauties in Nanning. Most of the beauties in Guangxi come from Guilin, or their ancestral home is Jiangsu. Only Li Guan is still unmarried.

Li's problem is that he was too picky when he was very young. His fame was so great that the literary youth in Guilin were proud to speak ill of him. It is an honor to be familiar with Li Guan.Falling in love with Li Guan is a greater honor. Back then, I had a little liking for Li Guan.I have a soft spot for all the talented people, including Dali and Bunuel.In 1985, Li Guan, Zhang Zun, Mei Xun, and Bao Xiaosong and I took the examination of the Literature Department of Guangxi Film Studio. It is to evaluate these scripts, point out the advantages and disadvantages, and propose a modification plan.In the end, both Bao Xiaosong and I successfully passed the test and were transferred to the film studio, but the three of them were wiped out.

In the winter of 1985, the situation was uncertain and everyone seemed hopeful.Chen Dunde, director of the Department of Literature at the time, was ambitious and opened a film seminar and invited experts from Beijing. The experts brought in-house films, including "Golden Pond", "Lovers Song", "Married for the First Time", "Lenin in Paris", "Strange "The Woman of My Life" and "The Mocking of Fate". After watching the movie, I gave lectures, and after the lectures, I went out to collect folk songs. In order to train us, Director Chen brought all five of us with him.Drive all the way to Longlin, the westernmost part of Guangxi, to see the girls and local products of the Miao nationality, to see the Tianshengqiao Hydropower Station in the upper reaches of the Hongshui River, and to see the former site of the Seventh Red Army headquarters.

Li Guan said my name like a social butterfly in the tunnel of Tianshengqiao Hydropower Station. On one side is a weird American boring machine, on the other side is a huge pipeline shining with iron light, light bulbs are hung in the tunnel, and the smell of mud is all in the nose. It is said that such an environment should first think of trenches, air-raid shelters, and the Soviet film "Battlefield". "Romantic Song" is reasonable, but after looking around, he suddenly said: Lin Baiwei, your name is too like a social butterfly, Chen Bailu, Lin Baiwei.There were only him and me in this section of the tunnel, and no one else heard it, but Chen Bailu's coffin in the movie left a deep impression on me, even if no one heard it, I was very angry.I immediately retaliated to him: the courtesan is also good, better than the beauties of the Tang Dynasty.

After I finished speaking, I was very happy. "Beauty of the Tang Dynasty" was a nickname bestowed upon Li Guan by his enemies. Li himself was relatively fat, so he hated this term very much.I picked up the stone and threw it, and it hit Li Guan about seven inches away. He stepped back and almost fell off the pipe (no danger). At this time, someone snapped a photo of us.I kept this photo in my hometown in Beiliu, and I have completely forgotten about it in the past ten years.Last year when I went back to Beiliu, I saw it in a bunch of old photos. At that time, Li Guan was wearing a short windbreaker, the outside was beige, and the inner collar was red. He wore it very fashionable, but he was slanted in the photo, I was very embarrassed, and I was wearing jeans and an army green sweater on my upper body. My hair was disheveled, my eyebrows were erect, my face was bright like metal reflections, there was a light bulb on top of my head, and the whole background was black.

It's just such two inexplicable people, I don't see any sweet stories happening. But last October in Nanning, on the night I arrived, Zhang Zun asked me out for coffee at Mingyuan Cafe, and the first thing he said when he saw me was: Is it possible for you to marry Li Guan back then? I think this is a strange question. Li Guan and I have never had any affair, nor have we been in love for a minute. How can we talk about such a big thing as marriage? I replied calmly: If you develop it, it is still very possible. Zhang Zun said calmly than me: Let me tell you, if you married him, you would have been separated for ten years now.

I don't know if he accused me of being divorced, or he thought Li Guan was too unsuitable for me.It took me a while to understand that Li Guan called Zhang Zun from Zhuhai and said that I had been calling him long distance from Guilin Airport to Zhuhai for half an hour.I rarely take the initiative to call others, not to mention long-distance, let alone men, and it takes half an hour. Zhang Zun feels that I have a little bad tendency. As a friend, he has the responsibility to nip the danger in the cradle. (The thing about the phone call is this: I went to Xi’an to sign a book in October 1998, and after the end, I went back to my hometown in Guangxi to see my mother. Because there is no direct flight from Xi’an to Nanning, I needed to transfer in Guilin. I was at 10:30 in the morning Arriving in Guilin, the plane took off at 2:30 in the afternoon, and I stayed at Guilin Airport for four hours. I called my friends in Guilin and Nanning, but Zhang Zun couldn't get through, so I called Li Guan again. On the phone, we ended up talking for half an hour. I asked about Li Guan’s marriage on the phone, and he said that he was about to register once, but he still didn’t register.)

Zhang Zun is one of my best friends, his name makes me feel warm and kind. Back then, I went to interview with Chen Dunde together with another female author Y and Li Guan. Zhang Zun repeatedly told me to wear my best clothes and dress up beautifully.Because Y came from a famous family, he was beautiful, and he was already a reporter of the literature and art department of the provincial newspaper, so he was well-informed, while I was just a librarian.Zhang worried that Y would overwhelm me. It turned out that I was in really good shape that day, and I performed completely beyond normal. On the contrary, Y feels depressed, no matter what topics are discussed (mainly movies and novels, the movie is about Coppola's "Apocalypse Now", and the novel is about Mo Yan's "Red Sorghum"), Y will not open his mouth. Then she left first.

On the second day, I went to see Zhang Zun. He said that Li Guan said that I performed very well last night and suppressed Y. He said: "That's what I want to do."He also said that when he asked Li Guan what clothes you were wearing last night, he couldn't tell at all, and then asked me: Are you wearing this dress?I said no, I just wore a pair of jeans. Zhang Zun said that it is easy for a person like you who doesn't like to dress up to lose points, because Chen Dunde thinks that people from the literature department should be very eye-catching and energetic when going out.

Fifteen years have passed now, whenever I think back on the transfer back then, the first thing I hear is always Zhang Zun's voice: Are you wearing this dress?He is from Shandong and grew up in Guilin. He has been an actor for many years and can speak very standard Mandarin. His voice floated from my desk, and everything that was then is no longer there. A movie worm is about to go to a huge leaf. This leaf is called a movie factory. Its veins are boundless, and its juice is endless, and it can't eat it up in a lifetime.What a joy it is!The voice of Zhang Zun taking care of me to wear beautiful clothes is like an entrance gradually opening, through which light shines through, and the lush branches and leaves of the past years are swaying in the light. In the green of early summer, I saw myself in 1985 again. Lin Spider Spider, black and thin, with two short braids and a row of seas on the forehead, casually dressed, likes to tuck clothes into the waistband of trousers, has a neutral (or masculine) taste, described by the poet Yang Ke ( Yang is now in Guangzhou. In 1999, he edited the "1998 Chinese New Poetry Yearbook" (published by Huacheng Publishing House). In his words: Lin Zhizhu is the kind of person who is overwhelmed in a crowd. It is easy for women to lack self-confidence because they realize that they are not good-looking, or their clothes are too rustic, or their hairstyles are not fashionable. A lot of depression and discomfort, just like this, more and more men's eyes are gradually accumulated in the air, even if there are no men present, women will feel these eyes and these fields unconsciously. When I was young, I hardly felt oppressed by my appearance and clothes, not because I was armed with some advanced theory and thinking ahead, but because I was often unaware that I was a woman. I don't know how this is the case. I love my boyfriends wives. I love them.Their friendliness made me feel that even if I went to see their husbands every day, there would be no problem.In the darkness of the night, even if it’s just me and a certain boyfriend, even if the door is closed, even if there is no one around within a hundred meters, nothing will happen. At twelve o'clock in the middle of the night, within a hundred meters, what is the place with no one around?Whether the fox fairy haunts or not, the weeds are overgrown.Overgrown grass is an environment I am very familiar with. Behind me, all kinds of grass are twisted like animations, twisting eastward and westward, with a slightly exaggerated posture. Once twisted, twisted, and twisted, their leaves fall from the foot of the wall. Growing up to my window, there were long, sharp leaves with tiny serrations, and there were fuzzy oval leaves, and a vine whose leaves were a thin, brittle heart shape crowded and climbed up to my window. The rear window of the window was nailed with two layers of iron sheets from the hardware factory, and there were rows of neat round holes on it, like a deliberate pattern.The strong smell of iron and fresh grass lingers all day long. That is the bungalow I lived in many years ago. The library at that time was in the park, and the one-story house I lived in was in the deepest part of the garden, where there was no development, the back hill was desolate, the trees were tall and the grass was high, and there were few people. Sometimes criminal cases happened like in movies. A few meters away, under a few gardenia trees, a dead woman was once found wearing a pink top and a pair of brown plastic sandals on her feet. That night, Chen asked a few of us to go to the film studio to watch an in-house film, two American films, and it was past twelve o'clock after the show ended, so Zhang Zun decided to see me off. We rode our bicycles across most of Nanning from the northern suburbs where the film studio is located, back to the park.I have never seen a park late at night. I often go out at night, but I come back before ten o’clock. At this time, there are still street lights, and there are lovers embracing on the benches beside the road.I rode on the car and rushed to the back door of the dormitory as fast as I could.There is no light on the back door, and there are bushes on both sides. I often worry that after I get out of the car, before I have time to open the door, a black shadow will jump out from behind and drag me into the woods with my mouth covered.Every time I take out the keys, my heart is raised. If my high-strung nerves hear some slight sound, I will close the door with lightning speed after entering, and leave my bicycle at the door. Outside.My car has been exposed to wind and rain countless times like this, and it has become the rustiest, dilapidated and dirtiest car in Nanning.There are two types of words that make fun of me, saying, "Hey, this car is really revolutionary!", and the other type is "People are too far from cars!" Those who say this are young people who go to the park on Sunday, In groups of three or four, I think they are more of a compliment.If I were a boy and I saw a young woman riding the worst bike in all of Nanning, I would sincerely point out how unfair things were.At the same time it occurred to me that this young woman probably didn't have a boyfriend. The fact is true, Zhang Zun is my friend, but not a lover, he sent me home at twelve o'clock in the middle of the night out of the nature of caring for friends.He was next to me, but I couldn't see him at all, all the street lights were off, and we couldn't even see ourselves, so we had to push the cart, which was like walking with eyes closed, even knowing that the front was flat On the road, you will also feel that there are pits or stones out of thin air. You can only keep your eyes closed for three seconds, and you will be so scared that you will open them in the fourth second.The same is true for walking backwards. After two or three steps, I can't help but look back, feeling like I'm about to fall into a pit.We are always overly suspicious of what we can't see. I am a trained person who dealt with all kinds of darkness alone in my childhood.As I grew up I found out that most women are not used to sleeping in a completely dark room, they have to keep hallway lights or floor lights on all night, and if they don't have them, they have to turn on the bathroom light and leave the door open Standing, letting the bathroom light bounce into the room. All women are afraid that there will be a dark shadow falling on them in the dark.Darkness has weight in our senses. It increases in one moment and relaxes in another according to our panic level. It is an extension of the nerves deep in our body.Its shape and texture are all given to us at some point.There are as many dark tempers as there are inner screams. That night was the heaviest hammer in a thousand hammers.I have never experienced such darkness, the darkest darkness will always have a little faint light, or a lamp in the distance, or the starlight in the gaps in the clouds, which will make us see our hands in the thick darkness.The darkness of that night engulfed everything, such thick clouds, such dense tree crowns, such deep night, up and down, left, right, no sense of direction at all, as if floating in an abyss, and every time you take a step, you will fall into it again Deeper abyss. Every time I took a step, I called Zhang Zun's name, and his voice of agreement was like stones protruding from the water in a stream, and I stepped on them carefully to move forward.After walking a few steps, he rang his car bell while agreeing to me. The bell hit my body again and again, and then fell to the ground and became fine sand between the stones. The abyss disappeared, and the road resumed It became a corridor in the garden.After walking for more than ten minutes, I arrived at the back door of my dormitory. He stood by the side and watched me enter the door before leaving. This late-night road can still scare me into a cold sweat many years later.Many years later, I often see myself walking through the empty streets of Nanning alone at twelve o'clock in the middle of the night. I am full of grass and trees, soaked in cold sweat, and rushing forward in horror. No matter how hard I try, it is impossible for me to cross this dark abyss. For this one night, I will forever be grateful to Zhang Zun. Back then I liked an atmosphere that wasn't gender conscious. Was my feeling for them a brotherly feeling?If I were in the movie "Youth in War", I would be that mountain. I cut off my braids and pushed them into a cropped cut. I just looked at a broken mirror and didn't look at it.Then, under heavy artillery fire and heavy snowfall, in order to save the platoon leader Lei Zhenlin, that personal hero, I rushed to the mill at the risk of danger, and shouted loudly in the raging fire: Platoon leader _ platoon leader _ the firelight reflected on my On my face, I have a dirt mark on my forehead and cheek, which makes my eyes look brighter.Lei Zhenlin was hiding under the millstone at that time. I pulled him up and ran outside. In front of a wall, I supported him to turn over first, then I turned over, and a bullet hit my thigh.Later, during the march, Lei Zhenlin carried me on his back, and beads of sweat oozed from my forehead and his forehead. I was afraid of exposing my female identity, so I refused to have surgery.The doctor wears glasses and has a thin and wrinkled face, a bit like Bethune, a member of the Canadian Communist Party, who came to China all the way.In the end, I wore short hair to my ears and appeared in the farewell team. The comrades in my platoon, wearing leaves on their heads and carrying machine guns (just captured) on their shoulders, passed in front of me.Lei Zhenlin, he is here and gave me a command knife.How exciting, a real command knife captured from the enemy!I like this kind of gift the most. It is my magic wand. When I wave it upwards, thousands of troops will burst forth, thousands of horses will gallop, huge waves will overwhelm mountains and seas, and flying dust will be raised by horseshoes.I like the title "Youth in the Flames of War". I like both the flames of war (it must be in the movie, virtual, I love peace, but I prefer the passion in extreme states) and youth, the youth in the flames of war is condensed His youth is full of gunfire, one day is equal to a hundred years, and it is as hard as iron. "Youth at War" is a film made in 1959, and it is impossible for me to enter it.In the peaceful 1980s, I regarded poetry as a flame of war. From People's Park to Nanning Theater was my marching route.