Chapter 7 the night before the storm

I have loved fantasy since I was a child.That may be because I have never experienced the affection and warmth of a family, so I put all the emotions that I can't get into my fantasy. When I was in junior high school in Shanghai before 1949, I spent most of my spare time in the writer's bookstore near my home.Because I don’t have so much money to buy books, I sit on the bookstore’s book-taking steps every afternoon and read those novels one by one without spending money, including those by Ba Jin, Cao Yu, and Xu and Anonymous.The more I read these books, the more my fantasy will be enriched.So, when my mother was indulging in the mahjong table and no one asked me, I would like to climb the narrow stairs, get into the flat roof of the third floor, sit by a wall, or read novels, or just stare blankly. Looking at the blue sky and white clouds, let your own feelings wander in the free world of imagination.I fantasize that I am a flock of birds in the sky, flying carefree in the vast world; I also fantasize that one day, I will get rid of this dull family and create my own happiness.Maybe I would be a good actor, because I was obsessed with the theater arts at that time; maybe an accomplished scientist; maybe a pianist, because I was so eager to learn piano.I also imagined that I would get the purest and most beautiful love in the world.

Later, I went to Beijing with my family and entered a completely new revolutionary environment.But I still have fantasies, but what I think is that I went to North Korea to fight, even if I sacrificed on the battlefield, it is a magnificent life; I have recited excitedly "Loyal bones are buried everywhere in the green mountains, why bother to return them shrouded in horse leather"; I also want to go to the frontier , go to the place where the motherland needs it most to contribute my youth; before graduating from high school and applying for university, I fantasize about applying for the Department of Water Conservancy of Tsinghua University and becoming a new generation of Qian Zhengying;

The only thing I have never imagined is that I can engage in diplomacy, nor have I ever imagined that I will marry an all-powerful foreign minister and become a "celebrity" myself! All my fantasies are so beautiful, I never imagined that one day I would have bad luck, I would be involved in the vortex of politics, and almost died in the political games played by others.I also never thought that the marriage would break down, that the unforgettable love would eventually turn into a life-and-death separation, leaving me alone and wandering around when I was only forty-eight years old.

What I really regret is that in my life, almost none of the good wishes I had fantasized about were realized, but the things I didn't think about happened, and constituted my tragic life. Looking back on the past, it seems that the disillusionment of illusions and the difficult life of many disasters all started from the "Cultural Revolution".And without knowing it, this disaster was approaching me as early as 1964. I remember that from the end of 1963, I went to Chairman Mao's place every weekend to help him learn some English for entertainment.On the eve of the Spring Festival in 1964, when I had dinner with Chairman Mao after learning English, Chairman Mao told me that after the Spring Festival, he would tour the south.He invited me to go with him, and exchanged teachers with me along the way. I taught him English and he taught me history.Chairman Mao asked me to buy a set of "Historical Records", and he would guide me to read along the way.

I am very excited!How lucky I am to have Chairman Mao teach me history!Go home and tell your father that he is also very happy.I immediately went to the bookstore to buy "Historical Records", and waited for the chairman to inform me to leave after the Spring Festival. Unexpectedly, around the third day of the new year, the chairman's secretary called and said that the chairman had decided to cancel the southbound plan.I'm so disappointed!After the Spring Festival, when I went back to help the chairman learn English, Chairman Mao told me that the party is busy with work and there is no time to go to other places, so I will talk about it later.

At that time, I naively thought that it was just that Chairman Mao was busy with work, and after I was busy for a while, I would still have the opportunity to accompany him on tour.How did I know that the specter of the "Cultural Revolution" that later brought unprecedented catastrophe to the whole of China has quietly appeared in the political life of China's top leaders at this time. Shortly thereafter, the "Four Cleanups" movement, a prelude to the "Cultural Revolution," began, but mainly in the countryside.We all went to the exhibition hall to listen to the experience report meeting of the "Four Cleans Up" movement.Later, the school was about to go to the "Four Cleanups". I asked Chairman Mao if I wanted to participate.If he wants me to continue to help him learn English every week, I will ask the school for leave.Chairman Mao said that I should participate in the "Four Cleanups" movement.He said it was a class struggle and that I should be trained.He said that his English class could be suspended, and when I came back from the "Siqing", he asked me to report to him what I saw and heard during the "Siqing".

Not long after, some faculty and staff of my school set off to a rural area on the outskirts of Beijing to participate in the "Four Cleanups".At that time, all of us young teachers were the so-called "three disciplines cadres" who went out of elementary school to middle school, and out of middle school to university.Although after a terrible "anti-rightist struggle", he still basically lived a peaceful life dealing with books and students in the campus environment.We don't understand the situation in rural China at all, and we don't understand why there are so many problems in the countryside that we are required to carry out this investigation.The experience reports I heard before I went to the countryside were very scary. It seemed that a large part of the rural cadres had "rotted".Therefore, everyone felt uneasy about going to the countryside to carry out the "four clean-ups".But at that time, the direction given by the Party Central Committee and Chairman Mao was unlikely to arouse any doubts.

I don't remember which village or brigade it was in the suburbs.But I remember that when we arrived in the village, we were assigned to live in the poorest farmers' homes, and we were told not to accept the invitation of the cadres to visit the cadres' homes.We started "undercover investigations", "visiting the poor and asking the poor", and mysteriously collected materials on the cadres.The next step is to check the accounts. It is said that the rural cadres have serious corruption, so they need to check the accounts. I remember one night I went to the house of a village cadre to pick up the account book.That cadre was very nervous and repeatedly asked me to uphold justice, no

To wrong him.I was terrified. For the first time, I felt that my actions and judgments might affect another person's life, future, family and even life!I really don't want to participate in this "Four Cleans" movement, but it means avoiding the struggle, almost a kind of betrayal! Later, something terrible happened!A censored cadre in a village committed suicide by jumping into a well!At that time, although I had been in the party for six or seven years, I was not yet thirty years old, and I had not experienced any storms.When I got the news, I was horrified.I dare not go out at night, because the well is not far from where I live.Even in broad daylight, I dare not approach it.I always see the figure of the cadre who jumped into the well from time to time.For the first time, I began to have doubts in my heart, doubting whether it was correct for us to collect cadre materials behind the scenes to prove that we assumed that there was a problem with this cadre.I also doubt the theory that only the poorest and dirtiest are the most revolutionary.After arriving in the village, I was assigned to live in two peasant families to "take root and connect" with them.The first family was a couple in their fifties.They all seem to be sick, unable to participate in farm work, and therefore very poor.Their so-called home was nothing but a dark shabby house.At night, they hardly light any lamps, and hardly cook any meals.Every meal is steamed corn bread with pickles.The filth of their dark room has continued to this day, and every time I think about it, I feel sick to my stomach.This pair of "reliant objects of the revolution" is still somewhat demented. I asked them any questions, and they all looked at me blankly and said they didn't know.They also wondered why I, a "student in the city", had to squeeze into their shabby house to live with them, disrupting their lives.

Later, I couldn't bear it any longer, and felt that it was extremely absurd to "take root and join forces" with them.The leader decided to find another "tandem partner" for me.This time it was a young couple living in a relatively spacious room with a bunch of children, with a difference of at most two years between them!The wife was around my age, but she was eloquent. When talking about the "serious problems" of the village cadres, she could tell me a lot of plausible things.I heard from other farmers that the couple had committed petty theft and had been criticized by the village cadres.They don't like to work very much, so they have less work points and live a poorer life.Probably one is that they are poor, and the other is that they are very keen to attack village cadres, so they have become the targets of the "four cleanups".I don't know if the dirtiness of their house is also a symbol of revolution.I remember one time when lunch was just put on the kang table, the baby in the woman's arms had loose stools, making the table and the edge of the kang full of shit.The woman even grabbed a diaper, dabbed it a few times in a daze, and asked her husband and me to go to the kang for dinner.At that time, no matter how much I told myself to overcome my bourgeois consciousness and share the joys and sorrows with the poor and lower-middle peasants, I couldn't suppress the churning in my stomach. I reasoned that my stomach hurt and I didn't eat lunch.I have trouble convincing myself that filth and revolution are synonymous.

When the "Siqing" came back, I always felt uncomfortable.It seems that my peaceful campus life can never be restored.I no longer fantasize, because I don't know what will happen after the "Four Cleanups".The society has begun to talk about "class struggle" constantly, and the dramas staged have also begun to talk about class struggle.The complete Othello, which we carefully rehearsed to commemorate the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare's birth, was not officially performed because the leaders worried that Shakespeare's masterpiece would spread bourgeois ideas. After the "Four Cleanups" came back, I met Chairman Mao several times.He asked me what I was doing in the country.I didn't dare to tell him my doubts, so I can only briefly tell some anecdotes.Later, around May and June, Chairman Mao said to me: "There is something wrong in the party. I have to be busy. I am afraid I don't have time to read English, so I have to stop and talk about it later." At this time, I vaguely felt that there was something important to do. happened.But what it is and how serious it will be is far beyond the imagination of me, a small intellectual party member.Since then, I have not seen Chairman Mao for six full years. When 1965 came, the political atmosphere in the country was even stronger.At this time, an incident occurred at the Beijing Foreign Studies University where I was working, which resulted in the persecution of Wu Pu and a dozen other party members and teachers of the English department, including me, during the "Cultural Revolution". That is, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs sent a working group to The School of Foreign Languages ​​engages in the "Socialist Education Movement" (referred to as "Social Education"). The background of this movement is a institutional reform of higher education institutions in 1964.The School of Foreign Languages ​​has changed from the original dual leadership (Beijing Higher Education Commission and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs) to a single track under the leadership of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.It turned out that during the period of dual leadership, the quality of teaching was managed by the Beijing Higher Education Commission, but personnel issues such as student allocation were managed by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.At that time, the Beijing Municipal Party Committee was led by Comrade Peng Zhen. Most of the leaders of the group were highly educated intellectuals who had participated in the "December 9th" movement. Organized.However, after the school was fully taken over by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, the Ministry sent some cadres to the school to replace the original main leaders. Since then, the teaching order of the school has been disrupted. The School of Foreign Languages ​​has been turned into a stage where "soap operas" are staged. It is also difficult for the newly appointed Secretary of the X Party Committee to become a leader in a college with a lot of intellectuals, because he participated in the revolution in his early years and his education level is not high. Therefore, Secretary X was determined to grasp the political and ideological education that was already very hotly publicized at that time.At that time, the Beijing Municipal Party Committee issued a document prohibiting college students from dating, let alone getting married.So Secretary X made a big deal of it.Not only were the conferences held repeatedly, but also a lot of opinions that made people laugh, for example, when someone sent a note to ask him if the teacher could have children, Secretary X, in a hurry, said angrily that the teacher would not If you are allowed to have a child, you will be suspended from your job if you violate the law. Secretary X also personally took a flashlight stick to make surprise checks on whether there were any male and female students in the classroom who were in love after evening self-study every night.As a result, there was a lot of trouble, and the students couldn't bear it anymore and put up big-character posters to protest, because Secretary X mistook a female student league branch secretary for asking a male student to talk about joining the league and treated it as a relationship.And because the Youth League branch secretary had just taken a shower and his hair was loose, he was severely criticized by Secretary X as "misbehaving". What was even more lively was that Secretary X was catching and exterminating bedbugs in the school.Originally, this was a good thing to do for the dormitory, but Secretary X arranged it as an overriding political task for the whole school.All personnel were not allowed to go home on Sunday, and he himself sat on the platform outside the auditorium to oversee the battle.Students and teachers lined up carrying washbasins to the boiling water room to boil water, and they had to pass in front of him, and he would spot check whether the water was hot enough, and then go to water his own bed board.Of course, the scalding water also turned cold after such a toss, and the entire campus bedbug catcher army laughed and laughed, which was very funny.Teachers are buzzing that schools need to catch bedbugs, but it doesn't have to be so fanciful.At the same time, since the new leaders of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs arrived at the school, no one has been caught teaching.Later, the central government began to focus on class struggle in various fields, so school leaders concentrated their efforts on collecting class struggle trends in foreign language teaching.After a series of investigations, Secretary X finally made a report to all teachers and students criticizing the bourgeoisie in foreign language teaching as "only professional but not popular".But because the secretary himself lacked basic knowledge of foreign literature, the report became a big joke.For example, when Secretary X criticized the literary works selected in foreign language teaching for poisoning students and young teachers, he conflated the world famous book and "Anna Karenina" into one book in his example. He said that some students had read "Notre Dame de Anna" Hurt deeply.He also criticized our English department teachers for rehearsing Shakespeare's "Othello", but obviously he has not read or even heard the plot of "Othello", and he doesn't even know that Othello is the hero in the play, a Moor.So he said, "After a female teacher played Othello, I looked in the mirror every day and imagined that I was as beautiful as Othello."The result naturally caused an uproar.In addition, Director W who came to the school at the same time as Secretary X was middle-aged and unmarried, so he showed admiration for the young female teacher when he talked about his thoughts.The news also aroused great resentment among the teachers.An institution of higher learning becomes the stage for endless burlesque. All of this led to the result that teachers criticized the school party committee after the Ministry of Foreign Affairs sent a working group to the school to carry out the "social education movement".The head of the working group at that time was Comrade Liu Chun, who was once the ambassador to Laos.In his mobilization report, he clearly stated that the movement was mainly for the rectification of school leaders. He asked all party members to be responsible to the party, open their minds to give opinions to the leaders, and said that no matter how sharp the opinions are, the leaders will not retaliate in the future. Otherwise, the "Party Discipline and State Law" will not allow it. Therefore, the Party branch of the teachers of the English Department first put forward sharp criticisms to the leaders of the school.Especially the dozen or so young party members in my party group were impassioned at the meeting every day, hoping that the leaders of the college would get rid of those exaggerated styles and seriously go deep into foreign language teaching. Improving the quality of teaching is the mission of colleges and universities. None of us could have imagined that a year later, every opinion we raised would become the "evidence" of our "frenzied attack on the party in accordance with the will of the gangsters".Unexpectedly, our frankness at the time ruined Wu Pu's life, and also affected the future and career of many other people. Not long after the "Social Education Movement" ended, it was 1966 in a blink of an eye.My memory seems to be that there was a lot of wind and sand in the spring of that year, and there was always an impetuous factor wandering in the air, which made people speculate and uneasy. In late May, the party finally conveyed the Central Committee's "May 1st Six notices". Although we as grassroots party members don't know what will happen next, the atmosphere of "the rain is about to come and the building is full of wind" is very obvious. On the surface, it is still a peaceful campus. At the moment, I am nervously waiting for the coming storm. It didn’t take long for this storm to come with overwhelming momentum. The newspapers began to criticize "Hai Rui Dismissed from Office" and "Sanjia Village", and the momentum became more and more fierce. In name, it was a Anyone can see that the cultural debate is actually a ferocious political struggle. Next came the Red Guards' "sweeping the four olds". The slogan at that time was "destroying the old and the dead", but it really meant that all traditional My life was completely uprooted. The whole society fell into chaos and terror. At that time, I was worried about the elders in my family, and I rode home every day. One morning, on the way back to school, I was stopped by the Red Guards patrolling the street for no reason. , accused me of having too long hair and too small trousers, and waved the scissors in his hands, threatening to cut off my hair and cut off my trousers. Then they started arresting people, everyone, and the cadres became "gangsters". People who have lived in society are all "suspected spies". They arrest whoever they like, and beat whoever they like. I don't know which revolution in the world can be compared with this. The October Revolution in Russia or the French Revolution? I think I have seen groups of young students wearing red armbands and waving belts, whipping them on human flesh and blood; I have also seen them paint the faces of a group of so-called "gangsters". Like the big painted faces on the stage, wearing high hats on their heads, writing their respective "criminal charges", and hanging a big sign on their chests with their names marked with X, parading the public like a group of livestock being driven to the slaughterhouse... I simply cannot bear this brutality, this horror.Inner torment of fear and anger.Knowing how inhumane all of this is, but unable to say a word of my own heart, I still hypocritically praised this as "the revolutionary young general rebelled for a reason."At this time, Wang Shifen, a young English teacher who lived in the dormitory next door to me, was so frightened that he became mentally ill.This incident stimulated me so much that it prompted me to risk my life and write my first letter of appeal to Chairman Mao. It was around mid-to-late June, and the school had started posting various big-character posters.At that time, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs sent a working group to lead the movement, and the big-character posters of the students were mostly aimed at the cadres and some teachers in the past leadership of the Beijing Municipal Party Committee.At noon that day, I went to the cafeteria to eat, and saw Wang Shifen, who was in the room next to me, ordered food from the cafeteria and brought it back to the dormitory.I saw her expression was very dull, the bowl in her hand was tilted, and the vegetable soup kept flowing out.I reminded her, but she didn't seem to hear.I had a quick meal, and when I went back to the dormitory to see Wang Shifen, I saw her sitting at the table blankly, tearing many photos of myself into pieces with my hands.Several of our teachers who lived nearby comforted her, but she didn't seem to hear her at all.That afternoon, I was very irritable and really didn't want to stay on campus, so I rode my bike to the zoo.When returning to school in the evening, I ran into Wang Shifen on the way.She walked straight towards the zoo alone.I jumped out of the car and asked where she was going.She smiled at me and pointed forward.I went back to school and reported to the working group about seeing Wang Shifen, hoping they would find her and come back.That night, the construction site of the Capital Gymnasium called the school to say that there was a crazy woman from the School of Foreign Languages, and they asked the school to pick it up.The working group remembered that I had reported it to them, so they sent a car and asked me and another person to pick up Wang Shifen. Wang Shifen had just graduated from the English Department of our school at that time.She is from Shanghai, and has the unique beauty and gentle personality of Jiangnan girls.She is usually introverted, never talks too much, and gets along with everyone in a friendly manner.On the morning of the day when she became ill, a big-character poster posted by the students in her class appeared at the corner of the stairs in the teaching building. I don’t remember what criticized her, but I remember the last sentence of the big-character poster was: “Whether you are Li Shifen, Wang Shifen, you must be caught..." I think it was this big-character poster that frightened the demure and gentle Wang Shifen. When we rushed to the construction site of the Capital Gymnasium, the Wang Shifen we saw was a completely different image.Holding on to the barbed wire fence at the construction site, she was speaking hoarsely to a crowd of onlookers.She didn't know when she memorized so many fashionable slogans at that time, such as overthrowing the old municipal committee and uncovering gangsters; petitioning the new municipal committee and so on.We went up to persuade her to go back with us.She shouted for help to the onlookers, saying that we were a gangster and wanted to persecute her.Many people at that time seemed to lose their minds.It was obvious that a mentally disturbed person was talking crazy, but there were many people responding, wanting to follow Wang Shifen to the "New City Committee" and stop us from taking her away.It was a really sad and frightening night.Wang Shifen grabbed onto the barbed wire with both hands, bleeding profusely.After returning to school, her dormitory was next to mine, and I heard her yelling all night long.A quiet and elegant girl suddenly turned into a lunatic who lost her mind, and I couldn't face this reality no matter what. Wang Shifen's later story was also very tragic.The next day, she was taken to Anding Hospital.About a year later, she returned.On the surface, it was still the same as before, but it looked a little paler and haggard.She was quieter and less talkative.Everyone sympathized with her and treated her well.She also seemed to be back to normal.At this time, the god of love came, and a young male teacher in the department had admired her for a long time. At this time, he resolutely married her regardless of her illness.We all look forward to Wang Shifen's full recovery under the comfort of his lover and family.Unexpectedly, not long after, the two factions in the school fought, and two tweeters yelled at each other.This time, by a strange coincidence, I was the first to notice her abnormal demeanor.It was in the bathroom on the third floor of Building 1, Wang Shifen was listening to the harsh high-pitched speaker Ba looked nervous, and asked me, "Who are they going to defeat?" I comforted her by saying that all this had nothing to do with her, so she didn't have to listen.But within a few days, her old illness relapsed and she was admitted to the hospital again.It is said that she never recovered.She also gave birth to a child under these circumstances, who should also be in her twenties by now. By this time, I could no longer accept that this kind of brutality and violence could be called a revolution, and it was also a "cultural" revolution.I think this is a violation of humanity and civilization!At that time, it was true that "newborn calves are not afraid of tigers". I actually decided to write to Chairman Mao to express my confusion and worries about this kind of violent terror, hoping that Chairman Mao would be able to turn the tide and stop the spread of this situation.I said in the letter that the so-called "Cultural Revolution" in today's society is not aimed at establishing a proletarian culture at all, but an irrational act of violence.I thought Chairman Mao didn't understand what was happening outside the red wall in Zhongnanhai, so I described various phenomena in detail, focusing on how many veteran cadres and intellectuals were criticized.I said that there may be mistakes among the veteran party cadres, but the scope of attack should not be so wide. Besides, they have always contributed to the establishment of a new China. Why should they be regarded as enemies?I said that many intellectuals yearned for the new China, so they gave up their superior conditions abroad and returned to the motherland to make contributions, but now they have become "bourgeois authorities" and are criticized and fought.How can China be built without senior intellectuals?Intellectuals are not afraid of suffering, but they cannot be insulted, and this movement is precisely humiliating the personality and dignity of intellectuals.I asked Chairman Mao to allow me to meet him immediately and express my opinion. I hope that he will stop this kind of movement that is pushing the country into a dangerous situation in time. After the letter was delivered to Zhongnanhai, I anxiously waited for Chairman Mao to summon me.But about a week later, Chairman Mao asked his secretary to call me and said: "It is inconvenient for Chairman Mao to see you right now, but I have a few words for you. One is for you to 'survive the wind and rain, see the world', and the other is for you 'Today's wine is drunk today, tomorrow's worry comes tomorrow's worry'." I think I understand the meaning of that first sentence, but I don't understand how I can "have wine today and get drunk today" when the country is in such chaos Woolen cloth? The call was to home.I told my father about it.My father let out a long sigh and said with great emotion that "China is going to be in chaos again."Our father and daughter lacked a common language for most of our lives, and only at this moment did I feel that we were very close.We all sincerely hope that the country will be prosperous and the people strong, stable and united.We are all worried about where this chaotic and irrational barbarism will lead China? This night, I thought a lot.My ivory tower has finally collapsed completely!I suddenly felt that I had been living in a dream for the past thirty years. I was so naive, and now I really grew up.From then on, I can only face this thorny life alone to explore my own way!