Chapter 3 Stepping through the thick red door-4

Four I sat alone on the spacious porch in front of the north house, it was early summer, and it was the season of flowers blooming and falling.Scenes of the past danced before my eyes.I saw the thin and vigorous father again, writing his last masterpiece tirelessly at his desk; Laughing and running in the yard.Of course, I saw Guanhua under the moonlight, holding my hand, and said to me: "If one day in the future, I lose my official position and become blind again, you just lead me to beg for food like this!" Long white clouds floated gently over the roof of the South House, just like those 40, 30, and 20 years ago.But where is the former owner of this courtyard house now?I sighed softly, probably I should leave this courtyard too!It brought me too many memories, too many traumas, my heart has been unbearable!

Two days ago, definite news came from the hutong: all the houses about 200 meters south of the west entrance of Shijia Hutong will be demolished within a month.The land was sold to a foreign company, not sure what to do with it.Two hundred meters from the west entrance, it happened to be the opposite door to mine.I originally thought Shijia Hutong, an alley with cultural and historical value, would not be demolished.But it seems that in this increasingly commoditized era, cultural history and traditions pale in comparison to money! What will become of this Shijia Hutong?I really do not know.At least, I no longer see some of my neighbors who have lived on the same street for forty years.Back then they affectionately called Guanhua "Master Qiao", and they called me "Niu's mother".I no longer hear groups of big ladies gossiping with each other, and neighbors chatting about the past and the present under the street lamps on summer nights, spreading social news and gossip.All this will disappear with the disappearance of this alley!This is a great sadness, but I have a faint feeling that this may also be a relief.Since Guanhua left the yard, it is no longer a home.Sometimes, I also wanted to take a walk in the courtyard on a night with a bright moonlight.But I can never get back that lost feeling.In this empty courtyard, where I was the only one left, I was like a ghost, writing all the things that happened in this courtyard in the past under a solitary lamp many nights.Siheyuan is beautiful, engraved with feelings that will never be forgotten.But perhaps like its surrounding form, for more than ten years, it has tightly surrounded me in this square world, and my thoughts and hearts have never jumped out of this square world.Well, maybe the gradual disappearance of this alley will finally free me!In retrospect, since I came to Beijing in 1949, I have never left the courtyard for nearly half a century.From Dongsibatiao to Shijia Hutong, I have been living in a courtyard surrounded by four sides.Recently, foreigners in Beijing have taken a keen interest in my yard, and several batches have come to visit.There are quite a few people who came to this courtyard with admiration. After admiring them, they all returned to their respective real lives.I am the only one who is deeply rooted in this courtyard. Sometimes, I really feel oppressed and heavy. I feel like an unearthed cultural relic in this courtyard, which belongs here forever, and the life outside the Dahongmen has nothing to do with me.No matter what I do outside, I end up back in the yard where I am alone.

For a while, I intentionally went out more, to foreign countries, to bustling modern cities.I want to find a gap to free my mind from the courtyard.But as the days went by, I missed my yard again, and hurried back like a tired bird returning to the forest.As soon as I entered my familiar courtyard, I was relieved and enjoyed the loneliness that only belonged to me. Life goes on like this, and I always hover between history and reality.I really want to break out of this courtyard, but I am so affectionately attached to this courtyard, because every brick of it is engraved with my joy and sorrow.Holding it makes me heartbroken, leaving it makes me lose, and returning to its embrace from afar makes me enchanted.I think this kind of courtyard complex will probably be difficult for me to unravel in my life.