Chapter 20 18 Future (1997-after the age of 62)

Based on my maverick behavior on Taiwan Island, China, I have known for a long time that I have "limited future and endless troubles". Under this kind of foresight, how should I seek for myself, how to manage myself, and how to take root and grow on the small island? Leaves, blossoms, and fruits, how to establish my outlook on life, universe, religion, country, love, friend and foe, money, lawsuits, travel, etc., is ingenious. People with lofty ideals, their afflictions are all faced with a choice.Seeing his servant Zheng Zhanyin, Qu Yuan said, "I have doubts, and I hope Mr. Yin will resolve them." He said "doubt" for a long time, and the key point is only two sentences:

Ning Zheng is outspoken, in order to endanger himself? Will you live by stealing wealth from vulgarity? This is a moment of choice.In the end, Qu Yuan made a choice. He refused to "follow the vulgar riches and honor, refused to "steal a life", and took the route opposite to the secular. Mi Heng of the Three Kingdoms also had the same problem, and he also made a choice. His choice was "Ning His line is correct, at least in front of Cao Cao and Liu Biao, you can’t say that he is wrong. The problem is that he met Huang Zu in the end, and Huang Zu did not have a minimum standard. Boss, ended up killing Mi Heng. I don’t really think Mi Heng is courting death on purpose, or “the birthday star eats arsenic all the time—I’m impatient to live.” He doesn't care whether others kill him or not. He has no interest in educating the enemy, or figuring out the level of the enemy. Of course, with this kind of style, "there are many mountains and many tigers in the end", and he will die when he finally encounters an enemy of Huang Zu type In short, it is exactly what Mencius called "don't get rid of what you suffer from"! "Don't get rid of what you suffer from" doesn't mean that you must die, but you don't avoid the danger of sacrifice, and you don't just because of sacrifice or danger Quit. My situation in Taiwan is like this. I think the biggest goal in life is to find out the truth and bravely defend it.

That's one reason I'm so courageous and one reason I'm not afraid of isolation. Although I am going forward bravely for the truth, it is by no means the bloody courage of the violent tiger Feng He, but the one who plans before acting and stands in an invincible position first.If you have courage and are not afraid of isolation, you must have its supporting forces, the most important of which is the economic foundation.In this regard, I am a shrewd "self-employed" and "single-handed household". I hate being poor, and I will never let myself fall into poverty.Franklin said that people with empty pockets can't straighten their waists. My ability to straighten my waist is absolutely related to my wealth, not asking for help, not looking at the boss's face, and not afraid of being blocked.Like Voltaire, I am a great literati supported by money, and I have long since escaped from the poverty of "one money can hardly beat a hero".Whenever I see some poor people talking about ambition, I despise them.This kind of person can't even manage his own livelihood, so how can he be an independent person?A person who has enough energy is qualified to be a person of lofty ideals, otherwise he is just a braggart who smells of cigarettes and alcohol.

Of course, it is also a good thing to have a friend to do it for you instead of making a living by yourself.Back then, Marx was able to write with peace of mind, thanks to the funding of the capitalist Engels.Times have changed now, and Marx was able to succeed only because he was also Engels, so he kept busy and took it easy.This kind of career as a Marne can be said to be my misfortune and characteristic. It is a pity that I don't have such a friend who has a lot of money and understands righteousness.Although Marx and Engels had a close relationship, they seldom met each other for more than 20 years. Instead, they often corresponded.After Marx's death, Engels compiled the complete works for him, and now I am compiling "The Complete Works of Li Ao" by myself, which is also an example of myself and Engels.For Marx, Engels really managed to preserve one's life and sacrifice one's life, and was able to support his friends in a righteous way.At the age of fifty-three, Cui Shu, a Qing Dynasty scholar, took in a thirty-two-year-old apprentice, Chen Lvhe. Nine years after his death, Chen Luhe also died at the age of sixty-five. Before his death, he carved books for his teacher and was so poor that he "has a poor official pocket and a burden".My five-year-old son is too poor to go back to his hometown.Students all over the world, there is no one greater than him.I think Engels was born in China, so it will be the same.If I, Li Ao, were Engels, I would do the same to Marx.It's a pity that no one is Marx in front of me. If I want to find Marx, I can only look in the mirror.

Precisely because I, Marx, can straighten my back, I "dare to show my innocence with frankness" and dare to denounce hypocrisy. After I came back in 1979, Ping Xintao of the Crown invited me to dinner, accompanied by several colleagues of the Crown. When I arrived, Ping Xintao said: "There is a writer who admires Mr. Li very much. Mao." So he introduced Sanmao to me.Sanmao told me: She went to the African desert to help the black people in the yellow sand. They need her help. She is a Christian. She admired Schweitzer who went to Africa, so she also went to Africa.I said: "You said that you help the black people in the yellow sand, why don't you help the yellow people in the dark? Your own people need your help more! It's a bit wrong to stay close and seek distance, to be close but to be distant, isn't it?" What’s more, Schweitzer won’t help black people and leave villas and “foreign exchange reserves” in the Canary Islands, right? How do you explain your property?” Sanmao was a little embarrassed when she heard what I said, and she couldn’t answer.Of course she couldn't answer, why?Because Sanmao's so-called helping black people in the yellow sand is actually a kind of "show", and its nature is no different from that of movie stars and other charity concerts. Their "show" is more than anything else, and you must not take it seriously.For example, do you really believe that Sanmao is a Christian?She knelt down at the Guan Temple and begged for a lottery. What kind of Christian is this?She is superstitious about the theory of astrology and destiny. What kind of Christian is this? ... Therefore, Sanmao's words and deeds are nothing more than Baihuxing's Kefu, Baiyunxiang's escapism, leukemia's international route, and boiled water's flood of emotions. She is hypocritical.In addition to Sanmao, there is Jin Yong.Jin Yong cheered for the Kuomintang and came to Taiwan.He came to my house one night and talked for eight hours.He specifically mentioned that after the death of his son, he studied Buddhism intensively, and he was already a very devout Buddhist.I said: "Buddhist scriptures talk about 'seven treasures'. 'Seven sacred treasures', 'seven virtues', although 'repaying kindness', 'no karma sutra', 'precious accumulation sutra', 'long Agama sutra'' There are some discrepancies in what is said in the "Agama Sutra" and so on, but in general, abandoning property is the prerequisite. The so-called "abandoning everything without defilement" and the so-called "giving whatever you ask for, without stinging anything". You have With so much property around you, you say you are a devout Buddhist, how do you explain your property?" Jin Yong was a little embarrassed after hearing what I said, and he couldn't answer.Of course he couldn't answer, why?Because Jin Yong's so-called belief in Buddhism is actually a "choice method". He believes in whatever is beneficial to him; You must not be serious, he is hypocritical.Sanmao and Jin Yong have no problem in terms of livelihood, but they dare not denounce hypocrisy even if they are rich. It can be seen that for a hypocrite, being rich and daring to denounce hypocrisy are not equal. Levels are also not easy.

Some hypocritical people are not hopeless, and if they happen to "call", they can also become successful by chance.Take me and my teacher, Professor Fang Hao, from the History Department of National Taiwan University as an example.Fang Hao is a Catholic priest. Although he is a priest, he is a "political monk". Pulled off the horse: After arriving in Taiwan, the flattery remained the same, and finally became the dean of the College of Arts and Sciences of Chengchi University (I said flattery here, and I did not mean to blame Fang Hao alone. Shit, in fact, there are only a few people like Li Ao, the others are all snobbish and obsequious. Intellectuals on this island have become popular, and this is not Fang Hao’s unique problem).As for his appointment as an academician of the "Academia Sinica", although he has an academic foundation, he is not lacking in flattery.He was obviously elected under the political atmosphere of the "Academia Sinica" intending to reduce the influence of Peking University. As for the fact that he ran around the door of academic lords Li Ji and Shen Gangbo before the vote, it is naturally not enough to talk about it.It is said that Fang Hao’s family was poor since he was a child, and his father worked as a handyman in the church, so he made a wish for him to enter the church and prepare to become a priest. Therefore, Fang Hao’s priesthood is not voluntary.Because he was involuntary, he would cry and make a fuss when he was drunk at the banquet, saying, "I don't want to be a priest! My father told me to do it!" Too little polytheism is also relevant.He once visited Yangmingshan with me and Xiao Qiqing, and talked about him and Hou Rongsheng in the hostel of National Taiwan University.It is said that he was teaching at Fu Jen Catholic University in Beijing, and he was spotted by female student Hou Rongsheng on the first day without wearing a priest's attire.Hou Rongsheng went home and told his mother that he had a plan.Unexpectedly, one day, Fang Hao wore a priest's costume to class, and Hou Rongsheng ran home, crying to his mother, "Oh my god, he is a priest!" I asked, how did you know?He said that later in Taiwan, Hou Rongsheng told him that Hou Rongsheng reunited with him in Taiwan, and the love continued, and he wrote an article "The Broken Madonna", which was written about him.I am very proud of my words.

Fang Hao has entered a convent since he was eleven years old. All his life, he has suffered a lot from Catholicism. He was in National Taiwan University, where he organized a Catholic junior high school student association, but was snatched away by the Jesuits. He was so angry that he was withdrawn and left. Guting Church, he managed one in Gouzikou.I went to Gouzikou to see his new house, and found it quite luxurious. I said you are really rich, and he said, "You don't know how cruel the church is! The priests don't do things for themselves, and they ignore us when they are old and sick. The church doesn't care about us." Yes! So you have to be prepared.” I said that you spend all day in the church witnessing marriages and holding funerals, and you probably saved a lot of “consecration” money, and the church is tax-free, so you clergy may have a better way to get money.He said he had no money because he was excluded from Catholicism.I said that your academic status is so high, but you are no more than a priest in Catholicism, which is too unfair.He said he was an earth priest, so of course he couldn't eat it.I listened and smiled knowingly.Catholicism is a foreign religion, and if you want to become popular in Catholicism, you must take an international route.The international route works well, and even though the academics are "sloppy" (this is what Yu Bin himself said), they still hold high positions, such as Yu Bin, Luo Guang, etc.In this situation, of course, Fang Hao inevitably felt resentment.Among the methods of expressing grievances, verbal criticism of him is not daring, but writing - anonymous writing - I heard that he waited for an opportunity to do it. He wrote anonymous articles attacking Yu Bin and was found out, so he wrote a letter of repentance thing.There is one thing that is strange, that is, an anonymous article "Taiwan squeezed crowded" published by "News World", in which Wu Xiangxiang was scolded, and I was also scolded. Wu Xiangxiang was furious after reading it, and indirectly questioned the KMT culture Who wrote "The Person in Charge of News Tianfei" by secret agent Bu Shaofu?Bu Shaofu said it was Fang Hao, Wu Xiangxiang ran to scold Fang Hao, and then told me to tell me to scold him too.I said: "Mr. Fang is my teacher, let him scold and scold." Wu Xiangxiang said: "These foreign monks are too hateful!" I said: "Your teacher Wu believes in the Catholicism of foreign monks, and you can see them even if you don't look at them. Maria noodles!"

At that time, I was promoting modernization in "Wen Xing", and one of the projects was the excrement movement - the excrement of higher education. On November 1, 1963, I published "The Strange Status Quo of Higher Education" in the 73rd issue of "Wenxing", which was the first to attack National Taiwan University; on May 1, 1964, I turned to Fuda University, the 79th issue "Viewing Fu Jen Catholic University from a Slap", revealed by Sun Zhikou and written by Meng Xiangke (Meng Juezi), has many climaxes.After it was published, I had dinner with Fang Hao and asked him to write some articles about Fuda University, because I believed that he was close to the water and must have insider documents.Fang Hao listened and told me sternly: "I am a priest, how can I do this?" I said: "Taiwan is so crowded—ah!" Howard's complexion changed drastically.I said: "1, I guarantee that only you and I know about this matter; 2, I will write with you, and I will also write part of the article; 3, no matter what happens, I will block it by myself, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you I said again: "Teacher, think about it: Tian Gengxin and the others came to Taiwan from the mainland, 'beggars chased away temple officials', and seized the power of the local churches in Taiwan. How can you bear this tone? The church is so dark, this kind of The darkness has eroded into higher education again. How can teachers not speak? There are two reasons for bad things in the world. One is that bad people do bad things, and the other is that good people tolerate, sit idly by, and even acquiesce in bad people doing bad things. Being good is not enough. You have to be a good person who struggles. The so-called good person who struggles means to stand up and fight against bad people, against evil forces, against corruption and ignorance. I will sigh with my hands behind my back, I will not complain behind closed doors, I will not be bullied by bad people or watch bad people bully others, and good people who struggle should always show their impact. Today I persuade the teacher to write something, and the purpose is nothing more than this After hearing my words, Fang Hao was finally moved. He agreed to write an article, but there was a condition that he had to return the manuscript to him at the end. I smiled and agreed.Sure enough, the article came. The title was "Looking at the Faculty of Arts of Fu Jen Catholic University from Three Documents". After I added it to the part I wrote, it was published in "Wen Xing" on September 1, 1964 under the name "Shen Chen" Issue eighty-third.As soon as this article came out, it was tantamount to dropping an atomic bomb on the head of Catholicism.Tian Gengzai and others immediately held an emergency meeting to investigate how the church's internal documents were leaked?And who is the author?Without thinking about it, the participants unanimously concluded that Fang Hao was none other than Fang Hao, so they immediately called Fang Hao and Tian Gengxin personally interrogated him.Fang Hao refused to recruit.Tian Geng asked him to kneel down and swear in front of the Virgin, but Fang Hao threw himself down, took off the oath, and still denied it.Tian Geng led him to yell at him for making false oaths, and Fang Hao was forced to do nothing, so he had a plan, saying that he would go to "Wen Xing" to check, and if it could be proved that I wrote it, I would accept it.Tian Gengzai thought it was reasonable, so he decided to send someone to investigate.But there is Li Ao in "Wen Xing", what kind of fierce person is Li Ao, is he easy to be with?After discussing for a while, they decided to send priest Xu Xiguang to "hang the copper bell".Father Xu first greeted me through a friend who knew me, and then came to my home alone.

As I write this, I have to interject Fang Hao first.After Fang Hao escaped from death at Tian Gengzai, he ran away in despair and found me in a panic.I comforted him and said, "Didn't I promise you? I promise that only you and I know about this matter. No matter what happens, I will block it by myself. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. What are you afraid of?" Said: "Of course I believe that Li Ao is the best friend, but this time I was frightened. I came to see you specially and told you that they will look for you. You are prepared. In addition, I have another request, I hope you can help. I would like to ask you to publish an announcement in the newspaper, declaring that this article is written by you and has nothing to do with a certain priest, I wonder if that is okay?" I said, "I will do whatever you want me to do. , I can do whatever I want. It’s fine to publish the notice, you can write it as you say, you draft it, and I’ll post it.” Fang Hao was overjoyed, and immediately drafted the draft, and asked him to send it to the United Daily News, and I published it for him. He refused to accept the report fee, and just like that, "Li Ao's notice" appeared in "United Daily News".

Father Xu appeared, and after the host and guests were seated, he said: "Mr. Li is a straightforward person. Let's open the skylight and talk: as for the church, it is determined that Fang Hao did it. Fang Hao's behavior is not good. We will not blame him. But , in order to have complete evidence, we still found Wen Xing and asked Mr. Li to issue a certificate to prove who the author is.” I said, “No matter who the author is, Wen Xing has no obligation to answer you.” He said: “Of course I didn't say that there is no obligation or no obligation, just to ask you to answer. "I said: "Please don't do it either. He said: "The church said that this article has constituted a serious defamation. Many people advocated suing Wenxing. Once sued, the author can be sued." "I said: "It can be sued, but the author's name is Li Ao. He said: "Mr. Li was joking, this article was not written by you, but by Fang Hao." I said: "I wrote it. Fang Hao couldn't write it so well." He said: "We believe that Mr. Li revised and supplemented it, but Fang Hao must have drafted it. Mr. Li will not know so many church inside stories." I said: "As long as you tell me, you will be surprised that I know the inside story of the church, far beyond your imagination!"You can tell Tian Gengxin, and I promise that on the second day after you sue me, the list of priests who are closed to homosexuality will be announced—including you, Father Xu! "Father Xu's face changed drastically when he heard this, and he hurriedly said: "Where is the matter, what is the matter, Mr. Li has completely misunderstood us.Cardinal Tian sent me here, definitely not to inform Wen Xing that he would sue Wen Xing, it would be so hurtful. ... On the contrary, the church is planning to send 200,000 yuan in cash to the "Wen Xing" reference room without a receipt.The church is determined to eliminate the scum of the priest, so it asks Mr. Li for help anyway. "I said: "Two hundred thousand is a big number, but you misread the wrong person.Please go back and tell Tian Gengxin to keep 200,000 and go buy someone else!Li Ao does not sell, nor does he help!And by the way: I wrote the article, so don't punish Fang Hao, don't wrong a good man.If Fang Hao is punished by the church, I cannot remain silent! "Just like that, Fang Hao passed the test safely. Fu Jen Catholic University was reorganized, and the leader Zhou Youwei stepped down. Zhou Youwei was so angry that he printed a pamphlet - "Arguing as a last resort" cursed Fang Hao, but was immediately ordered by Tian Gengshen to take it back , Do not distribute it. Zhou Youwei died of anger soon after he left Taiwan.

Fang Hao was shocked, and had a secret meal with me, and praised me for being a good friend.What a man, what he says is what he says.I smiled and said: "Why are you so afraid of them? Let them expel you from the church (broken door law), forget it, don't be a priest, and find a wife to celebrate the New Year!" Fang Hao said with a wry smile: "It can't be done, I'm too old! If I'm excommunicated, I'll be ruined and have to start all over again. I'm too old! I don't have the time or courage to struggle!" I said, "Anyway, you've made a struggle A good person who does nothing, not a good person who does nothing.” He said, “I don’t want to be a good person who struggles anymore! I’d rather be a good person who does nothing! Fighting with you is terrifying!” laugh.I drank a lot that day and got a little drunk.Fang Hao's face has changed in my eyes, it seems to be short and long, like a rubber band.After waking up, I remembered: In physics, when the rubber band is stretched, it is actually squeezed, and when squeezed, the temperature rises.The so-called good people, why not?Good people are actually the most timid, cowardly, lazy, hypocrite, escapist, afraid of bad people, do nothing, only good for themselves and not for the world.A good person will only be a good person passively, and will not actively do good deeds.Therefore, good people are actually very calm.If you treat a good person like a rubber band and squeeze it, squeeze it, its temperature will rise.It can be seen that our "good guys" and Li Ao and his ilk have a great use, that is, they can make good people do good deeds, induce good people to do good deeds, and force good people to do good deeds.Because of our deep hiding, they can be revealed; because of our generosity, they have achieved merit. After this incident broke out, Fang Hao began to skyrocket. In 1969, he became the dean of the College of Arts and Sciences of National Chengchi University. In 1974, he became an academician of the "Academia Sinica". Participate in the St. Vincent Charity Annual Meeting and give lectures overseas. ...became a good person with high morals and high prestige; I started to go downhill, was beaten by the Kuomintang, and was later sentenced to ten years for rebellion.At that time, Fang Hao was the dean of the School of Arts and Sciences at National Chengchi University. I wrote a letter from prison, asking him to sell part of my book collection and give the money to my mother.He agreed.Unexpectedly, he sent someone to deliver the book, but he regretted it.I was furious, wrote a letter to scold him, and threatened to announce the "heavy matter" after I was released from prison.He was afraid, and wrote a letter to say that although the book could not be sold on behalf of others, since I am a dutiful son, he would like to pay my mother 3,000 yuan a month until I was released from prison, and I agreed.He really kept his word and sent it, and I thanked him in my heart, but I couldn't be soft-spoken, otherwise he would play tricks again.Now that Fang Hao has already returned to heaven, I miss him and think that there are two real Fang Hao, one is secular, priestly, and public; the other is extraordinary, human, and secret.Having been his student for many years, I am confident that I can penetrate his extraordinary, human and secret side--a side that even he dare not admit to himself.I don't want this side of Fang Hao to be buried after death. If I don't write, Fang Hao will really die too small. The example of Fang Hao proves that good people need "good guys" to force them to do good things. Good people are mostly hypocrites, and if Yunlong matches, hypocrites will also do good things.This kind of attitude of mine is really "being kind to others".Not only hypocrites, but even real villains and villains can be created in due course.I am not afraid to cooperate with bastards in my life. If you are so powerful that the bastard can't show his bastard side, he may become a good person and do a good deed once. The eunuch Liu Jin in "Famen Temple" is an example. Another aftermath of the Fang Hao incident is that Father Xu Xiguang later became acquainted with me.He later had a financial dispute with a bookstore, but the other party had underworld forces, and he hoped for my help in collecting debts.At that time, I was being followed and placed under house arrest by people from the police headquarters twenty-four hours a day. I thought that the gangsters were most afraid of the police chief, so I could use my strength to fight evil with fire, so I agreed.On the day of debt collection, a gangster appeared on the other side, looking like a samurai sword out of its sheath. I made a move, and the police officer Xuan Fenglin who was following me immediately stepped forward, revealed his identity, and shouted: "You have something to say!" Tell Mr. Li well, we are 'protecting' Mr. Li, if you mess around, you will be arrested and disciplined!" The rogue rat ran away in fright, and I couldn't help laughing.After more than 20 years of no communication with Xu Xiguang, Zhang Xiaoci invited me to Soochow. When the news spread, Jingyi University in Taichung also came to recruit me with a letter of appointment signed: "Principal Xu Xiguang".I laughed at it and declined him.Later Lu Xiaozhao told me: Xu Xiguang is really a very good person. I am a "good bully", with a clear distinction between grievances and grievances in my life, and I will repay my kindness and revenge, and I will never "forget it".I often say that a person who does not repay his grudge is an ungrateful person, because such a person does not know right from wrong.In my life, I taught three ungrateful people a lesson, and all three of them were "served by writing books" instead of "served by great torture".They are Bo Yang, Lin Zhengjie, and Peng Mingmin.I was kind to Bo Yang, and I tried my best to save him when he was suffering. One of the reasons why I was imprisoned later was that the officials hated me for helping Bo Yang.After he was released from prison, he was suspicious and suspected that I had an affair with his ex-wife, so he couldn't help but tell me, and he went straight to revenge.Gao Xinjiang revealed this matter to me, and I was furious with Bo Yang.I angrily said to Xinjiang: "Maybe Bo Yang can doubt my Li Ao's moral standards, but I can't doubt my Li Ao's aesthetic standards." - Many people think that Bo Yang's ex-wife is very beautiful, but she is not the type I like at all " I said angrily again: "A beautiful woman is the last to know that she is getting old; a star is the last to know that she is old; bastard is the last to know that her wife is stealing a man;..." Xin Jiang comforted me again and again, and I Still angry, he wrote "Ugly Chinese Studies" to expose Bo Yang.As for Lin Zhengjie, I have been kind to him in the non-party period. I helped him make his first weekly magazine outside the party——"Forward" popular all over the world.Later, for political purposes, he colluded with his Kuomintang intelligence personnel, who were not even qualified for the entrance exam, to spread rumors and slander "Brother Li".Not only did I expose it myself, but I also encouraged and assisted my "colleagues" to expose it together, and at the same time sued the court for sentencing.Ten years later, he campaigned for Lin Yanggang and invited me to a meal. He knew he was wrong for the past offense, and he was ashamed.As for Peng Mingmin, I used to stand up for him when Taiwanese were oppressed.Because he was in prison, after he described his little-known relationship with me in adversity, he once wrote: "During my suffering, his (Li Ao)'s kindness and righteousness to me will always be remembered in his heart, and he still remembers it from time to time. Thank you." However, more than 20 years later, after "Taiwanese came to the fore", he published a book and deleted Li Ao, and eliminated the "kind and righteous" foreigner.For such an ungrateful person, I wrote "The Peng Mingmin You Don't Know" to expose him.Or if time goes back, will I still help these three people? My answer is yes, because the charity to them back then was based on fighting the injustice of the Kuomintang government, based on sympathy and human rights, rather than hoping for What repayment.But according to common sense in the world, between helping and being helped, although the giver has nothing to ask for, the recipient should be grateful.If the recipient is not only not grateful for Huaide, but repays the kindness with hatred, this is too out of the common sense in the world.In ancient times, "Jie Zhitui doesn't talk about salary, and salary is beyond reach", Jie Zhitui is a master, he doesn't mind.However, if Jie Zhitui is outside of "Lu Yi Fu Ji", and he is beaten up by the people he has helped, I am afraid that even Jie Zhitui will not be able to swallow this breath, and he will write a book to expose it. In fact, to teach ungrateful friends a lesson is nothing to me.My real main force is mainly focused on the enemy. Among my countless works, from "Studies on Sun Yat-sen" to "Studies on Chiang Kai-shek", from "Debunking Chiang Kai-shek" to "Liquidating Chiang Kai-shek", from "Studies on the Kuomintang" to "Studies on Chiang Kai-shek", from "Studies on the Kuomintang" to "Research on the Democratic Progressive Party", from "Research on Chiang Ching-kuo" to "Determining Chiang Ching-kuo", from "Communist Lee Teng-hui" to "The True Face of Lee Teng-hui". …The debunking of the truth in this aspect is the main force of my work.Not only did I dismantle it myself, but I also encouraged and assisted my "colleagues" to dismantle it together. Li Shijie wrote in "Investigation Bureau Research" and "Nine Years of Military Law Detention Center".Zeng Xinyi wrote in "Studies of Sun Liren", "Studies of Sun Cases", Dafeng (Pan Junmi) wrote in "New Officialdom", Indulged in "The Inside Story of Military Regime", Cheng Siyuan wrote in "Secrets of Zhenghai", Tang Degang wrote in " Li Zongren's Memoirs, Wang Xiaochi's "Three Works of Sanmao", Sima Ji and Liu Xinhuang's "The Appearance of Chiang Kai-shek", Wan Yagang's "KMT-Communist Struggle", Song Xilian's "Hawk and Dog" "The General", Wang Rongzu's "Research on Zhang Taiyan", Xie Congmin's "Tanjing US Law Detention Center", Gu Zhengwen's "Secret Documents of the Security Bureau". ... All kinds of hard work, it can be said that "everything is hidden, no trace is not continued", the Jiang family has encountered a deadly enemy like me, and there is really no peace in life, and there is no peace in death. In addition to verbal criticism, litigation is also one of my unique hobbies.The people I have sued, their official positions range from "President" to "President of the Fifth Academy", and their official offices range from Taipei City to Taichung City and Kaohsiung City. Councilors, Kuomintang professors, etc., all reported.The fact that I caused a lawsuit in this way was brought to the Kuomintang court by Hu Qiu, a member of the Kuomintang, thirty-three years ago. Since then, I have been "attended", "heard", "surprised", and "submitted the case" all the way, with many climaxes and few peaceful years. Individuals also change from "defendants" to "plaintiffs", from "little people" to "troublemakers", from "self-defense" to "defenders", and from "defendants" to meddling in their own affairs and fighting for the weak. Therefore, with the Kuomintang judicial The dark avant-garde people clashed, whether it was judges and corrupt officials, whether it was prison leaders, whether it was the chief justice, the minister of justice, etc., all of them were included in my "criticism by name".During the thirty-three years, for the truth, for justice, for myself, and for others, I fought too many lawsuits, had dozens of conflicts with a thousand judges, appeared in court hundreds of times, and wrote hundreds of thousands of words. The nature of litigation, from young to old; disputes between right and wrong, grow stronger with age.In addition to being strong, especially on the eve of his 61st birthday, on a day when he was involved in many lawsuits, he compiled a book "The Darkness of Judiciary You Don't Know", and talked about his happiness and hatred.In this book, a total of 450 judges and other judicial officials were "named and criticized".I firmly believe that only the method of "calling and criticizing" and "publishing names" can make judges vigilant and have nowhere to hide, and then form external pressure to promote judicial reform.Otherwise, the judge will be dereliction of duty, people will not know it, and the verdict will only be known as the "District Court Judgment", "High Court Judgment", "Supreme Judgment", and people can only blame the court instead of finding out the judge. Monk, it is definitely not a good strategy. You should know that the court is empty and the judge is real. Only by closely monitoring people can we find out the cause of the disease. After all, bad things are done by people. If you don’t lock people up, it’s useless to condemn the house Yo! In the same way, I also use the method of "calling and criticizing" and "publishing names" to deal with prominent figures from all walks of life in Taiwan. I wrote "Roster of Eighty-Five Mixed Persons" and declared that they would return to Taiwan under the name of "Republic of China". The names of the eighty-five "legislators" of the United Nations will be listed and announced; I wrote "reprimand one hundred and sixty-two professors" and list the one hundred and sixty-two who supported and recommended the Democratic Progressive Party You Qing as the magistrate of Taipei County. The names of the twelve "Academia Sinica" and the professors of National Taiwan University were ranked first, and all of them were announced. ... This kind of writing momentum can be described as unprecedented in ancient and modern times. There is an interesting record about my litigious character. On May 7, 1987, I have the following diary: "This morning, Sima Wenwu and other eight-person courts were held in the 17th Court of the District Court. Sima Wenwu said that Li Ao also cursed people in his articles, and the judge Huang Dexian said: 'That is another time. Others can sue him, it has nothing to do with this case.' Sima Wenwu said: 'But no one dares to sue him.'"——Why no one dares to sue me?Because suing will further piss you off.He was scolded by Li Ao only once, but because of the lawsuit, he was scolded more times.Getting entangled with Li Ao is not worth the candle.As for whether a good lawsuit is won or lost, I have always litigated with the mentality of "success is pleasing, and defeat is gratifying". Anyway, I am on the side of justice. "; The judges are in the same boat and not on my side, but their verdicts can be left in my infamy for thousands of years and remain as living evidence of history. This is not bad, it is "gratifying".Litigation is "just entertainment" to me. Since it is "entertainment", I have to face it happily and not get angry! Once, Huang.Ye told me that Yan Yuzheng once said a famous saying: "Li Ao is the happiest person in Taiwan. Because he is a loner, he can scold whoever he likes, he can scold anyone, he dares to scold anyone, and he doesn't care about anyone. He has no boss, no boss, no friends, and he has a lot of money to deny his relatives. What a joy! Li Ao is the happiest person in Taiwan.” I laughed and said, “It’s true. Stalin said that it is the happiest thing in life to knock down the enemy at once after careful work. I think I also have this kind of state of mind in the process of fighting for right and wrong and the truth. Beating the enemy is one of the joys in life. Your enemy reverses right and wrong, distorts Truth, you dismantled him and made him look ashamed, Xiao Li flew a knife and chased him thousands of miles away, how happy he is!" Someone asked me: "You have so many enemies, and you write articles every day to make new grievances, and you press every month. The geometric progression increases the enemy, is there any trouble?" I said: "Not trouble, but one thing to be confused, that is, I don't know who is going to kill me. After I divorced Hu Yinmeng, someone called anonymously and said: 'Li Ao, You shameless love liar, I'm going to kill your whole family!' I said, 'I'm the only one in my family.' He said, 'Then kill you alone.' I said, 'Okay, you go to the queue Bar!'" "Guanzi" said: "A one-year plan is better than planting valleys; a ten-year plan is better than trees; a lifelong plan is better than growing people." The older I get, the more I feel that the last word in this passage is wrong.I think the "lifelong plan" is not to cultivate "people", but to cultivate "enemies", and it should be to establish a large number of enemies to follow behind you.You want to make yourself like a comet, and behind the broom is a large piece of offal, and that piece of offal is nothing but the enemy of the comet.From the perspective of the "China Township Wishes" people who want to not offend others, my strange idea is really unreasonable, and I really can't live with myself, but it is not the case.In fact, making enemies has the joy of making enemies, sometimes more than the joy of making friends.And the abuse of making friends can be completely avoided.I thought of it this way: for a person like me who takes distinguishing right from wrong and pursuing the truth as his career, it would be a disaster to make many friends.Firstly, I don't have much spare energy to mess with my friends, and secondly, in many cases, my friends are actually an obstacle to discerning right from wrong and pursuing the truth.当我坚持是非与真理的时候，往往跟朋友发生冲突，或者破坏了朋友的公共关系、人际关系，这样一来，反倒令人不安。如果不是朋友，就可以没有这种心理负担；如果四面皆敌，我就可以痛痛快快地大干特干，这样多好！就在这种心境下，我慢慢变得以交友为苦，以树敌为乐。 不无遗憾的是，纵使我以树敌为乐，无奈这个岛上连敌人都不够看。我佩服的法国英雄戴高乐做总统时，一天在回家的路上，被一群刺客伏击。刺客们一阵乱枪，朝戴高乐的座车射去，戴高乐头都不低，理都不理他们。结果行刺者一哄而散，逃之夭夭。戴高乐只讲评了一句话：“这些家伙的枪法真差劲！”如此而已。三十多年来，我备受国民党和比国民党还国民党的小人们诬谤，对所有攻击我的人，我的讲评，也是如此。“这些家伙的枪法真差劲！”攻击我的敌人，实在不够料！基本上，他们是国民党教化下的一群杂碎，严格地说：他们做为李敖的敌人，是不够格的，如今我六十二岁了，我可以论定：我一生中，实在没碰到够格的敌人，虽然我也花不少时间排除这些杂碎，但在心情上，是游戏性的、逗乐性的、恶作剧性的，基本上，我根本没把他们看在眼里。江述凡跟人家常说：“李敖为人，极守行规，他的行规是基度山式的，一切恩怨，照方吃草药，有恩报恩、有仇报仇。李敖不问亲疏，不论黑道白道。他不相信狗咬人，人不能咬狗，他虽是人，也会咬回来。这就是李敖的可爱处。”——所谓咬回来，就是我游戏性、逗乐性、恶作剧性那一面。述几这段话，是知我者言。魏廷昱告诉江盖世说：“批评李敖的人，没人比得上李敖的人品。李敖比他们至少高十倍！”也是知我者言。 1983年2月，我收到读者张大为的信，他说他看到Tom Wilson的漫画专集，看到漫画一个人拿着乒乓球拍打球，可是球打过去，对面并没有人，这人自忖道：“对别人可能是'乒乓'，但对我只是'乒'而已。”张大为说他看了这幅漫画，“第一个印象就是：李敖！”最后署名是：“您的读者'Pong'张大为敬上”。我在足足一年后回信给他说： 十年前，我被李翰祥国联公司的刘经理诬告“诈赌”，说我跟蒋光超串通做假牌，法院传蒋光超去，蒋光超说大家玩牌是实，何来“诈赌”？并且当天晚上才与李敖相识，两人原系素昧平生，又怎能串通？法官大人发现整李敖就要整到蒋光超，乃不了了之。法官顺便问我会不会做假牌，我说假牌实不会做，但真牌打得极好。——我凭真牌就可以赢别人，谁还要做假牌？ 如今我在这个岛上，凭真牌就可以赢尽死友死敌死百姓，可以“Ping”尽芸芸众生而成one－man show，谁还要做假牌？ 因此，我是第一真人，无须做假，也不屑做假，处处以真面目示人，这是我最值得自豪的。谢章铤“赌棋山庄词话”中说辛弃疾，说：“稼轩是极有性情人，学稼轩者，胸中须先具一段真气奇气，否则虽纸上奔腾，其中俄空焉。”一般人只知道李敖有才，却不知道李敖是“极有性情人”，我打遍天下的一“ping”，其实非我之才，而是我之真。大为老弟，以为然否？ 除了我对“人”的有“Ping”无“Pong”之感外，我对“地”也有“不够看”之感。1984年9月5日，罗小如从美国来，问我今后的方向，我说跟国民党陷在一个岛上，又有个屁方向！在这种局面下，我们做的一切努力，都会因国民党在世界上无立足之地而连累得也无立足之地，——台湾变小了，你也跟着变小了。我们牢也没少坐、刑也没少受、罪也没少遭，可是声名成绩却不如苏联的人权斗士，也不如韩国的、也不如菲律宾的、也不如大陆的，这都是因为同国民党“与子偕小”的缘故。但是，“与子偕小”还是走运的呢，搞不好还要“与子偕亡”呢！我在《世界论坛报》写专栏时候，段宏俊（现已绝交）打电话来，说有读者抗议，埋怨李敖的文章谈了许多小人物的小事。我告诉他：“你呀，要有见识一点！台湾哪有大事可谈？台湾有的，都是屁事小事，不谈这些，没得可谈了。”其实，我的文章，大小事皆谈，就近取譬、随缘论人、因材施教、雅俗共赏，并无所定型。纵所论者小，也是以小喻大，乍看起来，或是论断一些杂碎小人物，其实文章深处，别有大义存焉。这些大义，都表现在我文章中的新意见上。英国哲学家洛克说得好：新意见常被怀疑且时遭反对者，无他焉，只因其不落俗套耳。所以，我人虽与台湾偕小，我的文章与思想却离台自大，与小岛根本二分。 我一生饱蕴救世心怀，但救世方法上，却往往出之以愤世骂世，这是才气与性格使然。我有严肃的一面，但此面背后，底子却是玩世，这是别人不太清楚的。正因为玩世，以致明明是严肃的主题却往往被我“以玩笑出之”。所以如此，一来是轻快处世，二来是避免得胃溃疡。被杀头的古人金圣叹曾有“不亦快哉”三十三则，我曾仿其例，一再写“不亦快哉”，现在把1989年写的一次抄在下面，以看我严肃中玩世之态： 其一：得天下之蠢才而骂之，不亦快哉！ 其一：国民党过去欺负你，现在把它欺负回来，不亦快哉！ 其一：老蒋生前他下我牢，老蒋死后我鞭他尸，写《蒋介石研究》、《蒋介石研究续集》、《蒋介石研究三集》、《蒋介石研究四集》、《蒋介石研究五集》五书，并编《拆穿蒋介石》一厚册，不亦快哉！ 其一：鞭尸之外，旁及其妻其子，无一幸免，—'一大书伺候，不亦快哉！ 其一：平生有恩必报，有仇必报，快意恩仇，不亦快哉！ 其一：仇家不分生死，不辨大小，不论首从，从国民党的老蒋，到民进党的小政客、小瘪三，都聚而歼之，不亦快哉！ 其一：在厕所里读党义，不亦快哉！ 其一：在监牢里读禁书，不亦快哉！ 其一：在浴盆里泡热水，不用手而用脚趾开水龙头，不亦快哉！ 其一：在浴盆里一动也不动，由美女一切代劳，自己像死猪一样，不亦快哉！ 其一：在动物园，抱小老虎、小狮子照相，不亦快哉！ 其一：逗小狗玩，它咬你一口，你按住它，也咬它一口，不亦快哉！ 其一：破白蚁窝，见彼等奔相走告，不亦快哉！ 其一：以DDT喷马蜂窝，见彼等欲振乏力，个个倒毙，不亦快哉！ 其一：以快速放领袖万岁歌，以慢速放蒋经国演讲电影（蒋经国演讲本来就比别人慢五拍），看了笑不可仰，不亦快哉！ 其一：看自己出书、看朋友出狱、看高手出招、看敌人出丑，不亦快哉！ 其一：看丑女出嫁、看美女出家、看大钞出笼、看老贼出殡，不亦快哉！ 其一：看傻瓜入彀、看笨蛋入伍、看阿婆入席、看流氓入伙，不亦快哉！ 其一：看淫书入迷、看债主入土、看丑八怪入选、看通缉犯入境，不亦快哉！ 其一：看新女性大脑每下愈况、脸蛋美下愈况，不亦快哉！ 其一：去拍卖萧孟能家电话，萧孟能说：我付钱一万六千元买下这电话行不行，免得我改电话号码，我说你付十六万都要拆你这电话，非逼你改号码不可。气得他呼呼直喘，不亦快哉！ 其一：萧孟能诬告我，被我反告。他怕坐牢，逃到美国去了。Not too happy! 其一：学邱创焕讲台湾语，一边学一边笑，不亦快哉！ 其一：写文章骂台湾人，不亦快哉！ 其一：写文章替高山族仗义执言，不亦快哉！ 其一：送女儿念美国学校，不考三民主义，不亦快哉！ 其一：快行己意，有话直说，高兴骂谁就骂谁，从蒋经国到他妈、从李登辉到杨丽花、从蜗牛族到女娲、从“忘了我是谁”到“教我如何不想他”，都在被骂之列，不亦快哉！ 其一：与牙医为邻，十多年拔牙不给钱，不亦快哉！ 牙医张善惠和林丽苹小两口儿做我邻居二十年，一直相处甚得，我笑说我不同你们吵架，就是要你们永远做“李敖为人很好相处”的证人。不单牙医夫妇如此，我还把许多好朋友“保存”下来，做我的证人。以姓名笔划为序，眼前的夫妻档就有丁颖和亚蔽、王惠群和朱先琳、王荣文和陈芳蓉、汪俊容和阮雅歌、周弘和“女强人”、周渝和林慧华。沈登恩和叶丽卿、林永丰和连凤珠、孟绝子和欧阳杏如、施性忠和庄姬美、高信疆和柯元馨、徐汛和玉芝芝、孙英善和“小林”、黄胜常和高继梅、黄奠华和李元枝、许以祺和梁绪华，陈兆基和应雅玲、陈良榘和叶于玫、陈彦增和郭文华。张坤山和陈秀梅、陆晋德和邱素莲、邓维桢和黄宝云、赖阿胜和邓玉娟、赖宪沧和张玲玲、简志信和黄月桂、刘峰松和翁金珠、刘绍唐和王爱生、刘显叔和陈烈、蔡仲伯和李金环、龙云翔和李琼媛、罗小如和'小马”、苏秋镇和邓香兰。萧启庆和王国樱等。至于其他熟知旧识，除书中已提到的外，台大老同学有李念萱、翁松燃、景新汉、马宏祥、袁祝泰、龚忠武、胡之伟、陈又亮等。同学以外，王长安、王孟亮、王秋原、王维贞、王维纲、王树权、尹章义、包奕洪。石文杰、石齐平、江述几、池士勋、何伟康、何国庆、李昂、李宁、李安和、李志仁、李成林、李华俊、周才蔚。林秉钦、林清玄、武忠森、金惟纯、马家辉、胡兆扬、胡基峻、施寄青、宣中仪、洪金立、唐德刚、夏光天、梁铭远、连家立、黄玉娇、屠申虹、张明彰、张福淙、张锦郎、郭鑫生、曾心仪、曾祥锋、赵文华、陈中雄、陈宏正、陈平景、陈芳明、陈晓林、庄申庆、汤麟武、潘君密、杨祖珺、应凤凤、戴天昭、魏光中、苏墱基、苏洪月娇等，都可做我的证人。此外，在我眼中，王淑江、王淑英姊妹是天下最好的人，黄怡是最有观察深度的人，陈文茜是最聪明慧黠的人，汪荣祖是最有正义感的文学家，陆善仪是最纯正的“新女性”，周之鸣、郁慕明是我化敌为友的朋友，而胡虚一、林永智、赖智信、罗贤义等他们都是义人。……老辈人物我对沈铭三先生（已故）、胡适先生（已故）等，感其鸿恩；对叶明勋先生、杨西崑先生等，怀其令德。我的新朋友中，谷正文老将军心狠手辣，却豪迈过人，最有特色；亚洲巨星王靖雯（王菲）从香港来台特别看看我，最不寻常。 我为人外宽内深、既坦白又阴鸷、既热情又冰冷、既与人相谐又喜欢恶作剧，我立身光明，待人真诚，虽有权谋，但用来自卫而非害人。我为人很够朋友，也喜欢交朋友，可是我却愈者愈抑制自己，不大交朋友。其中最大的原因有二：一是怕朋友是“匪谍”；二是怕自己的时间过于浪费在朋友身上。关于朋友是“匪谍”方面，我在台中一中，认识一位教英文的朱景昌老师，那时他四十出头，河北饶阳人，英文造诣颇深。他很孤僻，曾公开宣布不交任何朋友，理由就是交到“匪谍”怎么办？此公理由颇为有趣，我戏而识之，每以此自勉。但是四十多年来，不幸还是交到“匪谍”，因而进出警备总部，几无宁日。幸亏胡秋原公开指我为“匪谍”，我自己既是“匪谍”，则复何惧于“匪谍”耶？从此“匪谍”坦荡荡，再也不怕“匪谍”矣！关于怕自己的时间过于浪费在朋友身上方面，这一怕，随着年华老去、来日无多，更形严重。有些人整天游手好闲、喜欢跟你聊天，我最怕交到这种朋友，因为实在没工夫陪他神聊，但这种人往往又极热情、极够朋友，你不分些时间给他，他将大受打击。所以一交上这种朋友，就不能等闲视之。这种朋友会出现在你面前，以怜悯姿态劝你少一点工作，多享受一点人生。当然我是不受劝的，我照样过我的清教徒生活，不烟、不酒、不茶、不咖啡、不下棋、不打牌、不考究饮食、不去风月场所，什么三温暖、什么啤酒屋、什么电影院、什么高尔夫球……统统与我无缘。这种朋友看我如此自找苦吃，也就懒得再劝我，只是间歇性地跟我吃碗牛肉面、或买来便当到我书桌旁同吃、或同我快步散步一段路，就逃掉了。在这种极热情、极够朋友的人以外，有些朋友跟我颇多“君子之交淡如水”的味道。但“君子之交”还是要见面的。不过这种见面，十九都是到我家，而不是我去他家。我最不习惯去别人家作客，“君子之交”的朋友要看我，大都要来我家作客，不过，天知道那是什么容！ 到我家作客的朋友，都知道我有一个奇怪的“待客之道”，就是绝不专心待客，而是要一边做工一边同客人谈话。所谓做工，大都是整理资料：圈呀、剪呀、贴呀、分呀、捆呀、搬呀……两手动个不停，也忙个不停。不过我这样做，丝毫不影响我的注意力、反应和应对。我常常给客人“教育”与“洗脑”，提醒他们我有一心两用甚至多用的本领。我告诉客人，17世纪大学者王船山可以一边向学生讲课，一边跟太太吵架，而证国演助中的庞统庞士元，更是十项全能。中的黄寓庸也有“耳聆客言，目睹来牍，手书回札，口嘱亻奚奴”一身四用的本领。正因为我有这些一身三用、一身四用的本领，所以我待客时，就先声明我要一边做工一边谈话，一如蒋介石到印度拜访甘地，甘地却一边纺纱一边谈话一样。朋友们知道我这一奇怪的“待客之道”，也就不以为什，有的甚至跟我一起做起工来，像孟绝子、像陈兆基、像陈彦增……一到我家，就从客人降为苦工，不由分说，立被拉夫征用。当然也有向我抗议的，老友骆明道就是一位。骆明道说：“李敖是一个苦人，有福不会享，整天做工。你跟他谈话，他五分之四的时间都不抬头看你，谁吃得消他啊！我才不要去他家呢！”所以，骆二哥只愿同我通电话。但他不知道，通电话时我用下巴夹住听筒，照样做工不误，骆二哥至今还蒙在鼓里呢！ 我不但是个工作狂——裹胁朋友一起工作的工作狂，生活方面，也有狂在。我身怀大志、志不在温饱，衣、食。住、行方面，后两者比较考究：住大房子，原因之一是补偿我多年蹲小牢房的局促；坐宾士车，原因之一是警告想收买我的人老子有钱。对吃，向不考究，并且喜欢奚落老是喜欢做美食、吃美食的家伙。有一次，哥儿们邓育昆请“敖哥”吃饭，他特地以松花江白鱼饷客，下著之后，问我口味，我说：“我实在消受不起这种贵鱼，我觉得它不如吴郭鱼好吃。”育昆闻而大笑。我不好吃，并已饮食极有节制，已有超清教徒水准。我身高一米七三，一生体重没超过六十八公斤，看起来比所有同年龄的人年轻，“善保千金躯”，有如此者。至于衣，我更不考究了。我以买百货公司换季时廉价品为主，所以穿的都不考究，也不太合身，因为志在天下，没有耐心去量来量去。多年前我同颜宁吃晚餐，饭后搂着她的腰在马路上散步，她忽然笑着说：“李先生，你穿的裤子不是你自己的。”我问为什么，她说不合身啊，我闻而大笑。我做“李敖笑傲江湖”节目，电视上永远一袭红夹克，近四百场下来从不改变，大丈夫不靠衣服显，由此可见。不过我的红夹克倒是名牌，因为只有那个牌子的式样看来最保守，不怪形怪状。我本有一件，后来在电视中看到郝柏村也穿了一件，我大为着急，因此把同样的都买来了，现在一共四件，可穿一辈子，死后还可留给我儿子。 我儿子勘勘四岁半，女儿湛湛两岁半，太太王小屯比我小近三十岁。小屯十九岁时候，我在台北仁爱路碰到她，先看到背影，她身高一米七○、下穿短裤、大腿极美。她既有一腿，我就有一手，就这样认识了她。后来她念文化大学植物系、中兴大学中文系，成绩优异。她为人聪明、漂亮、善良，喜欢偷吃零食，还会写诗呢。还有，她又脱俗纯真、不喜奢华，因我反对戒指等俗套，我们结婚时没有戒指，她也同意玩笑性的以“易开罐”上金属环代替。和她认识八年后，在1992年3月8日结婚。我笑她“骗婚”，她笑说：“你那么奸诈，谁骗得了你。”这次结婚，为了向户籍机关陈报，买了市面上卖的“结婚证书”。陈兆基、陈良榘、陆啸钊、陈彦增四老友见证完毕后，我题字其上，字曰： 证人从老， 证书从俗， 正朔从伪， 三三人人出炉。 小屯若生古代，一定是三从型女人，因为她思想忠贞保守。郑南榕的太太叶菊兰、林世煜的太太胡慧玲，都戏呼她“王大牌”，因为她对不熟的人常常一言不发，看来架子很大。她的父母是最质朴的河北省人，节俭持家，不慕荣利，住在南港，都是非常好的人，但我和他们说话却说不多，倒不是“李大牌”，而是丈母娘年纪比我还小，我不知道怎么说。在合法婚姻以外，跟王尚勤有一私生女儿，是美国人，名叫Hedy Lee，小名小文，与我太太同岁，我有“坐牢家爸爸给女儿的八十封信”一书，就是写给她的。1964年她在美国出生的时候，陈鼓应跟人说：“李敖这个女儿在美国出生，就是美国人了，李敖的目的，是二十多年后，可以以'美国人的爸爸'身分去美国。”这话传到我耳里，我开玩笑说：“李敖这么有远见吗？有本领把计划定到二十年后吗？二十年太长了吧？变化太多了吧？我靠小文去美国，还不如靠老蒋回大陆也！”如今，“岁月如矢，革命未成”，二三十年一晃就过去了，靠老蒋回大陆固是笑谈，靠小文去美国却逼人成真呢！如今许多家长大做“小留学生”之梦，他们的“大头”，其实还不如李敖的“小头”远见呢！又何止他们，连我李敖自己，恐怕也都我“大头”不如我“小头”有远见呢！鼓应老友，真深知我“小头”者，在这一点上，他真是先知呢！不过，我靠女儿去美国，又何必呢？我三姊早就在不告知我前提下，替我申请成功移民名额，美国在台协会一再催我不要失掉机会，我理都不理。——我要以中国人身分死在台湾，此志不移了。在小文成长过程里，我正坐牢，她被我妈妈溺爱、又加上在美国学校学到不少坏习惯，最喜奢华，所以不无“世纪末”的问题，近年在我金钱攻势下，“折节读书”得到哥伦比亚大学教育硕士。我妈妈生在1909年，今已“米寿”之年，眼看九十了。她本来跟我住，现住加拿大我弟弟家。我在1991年1月4日写信给在昆明的大姊，有这样的话： 老太自昆明返台北，大有白居易“新丰折臂翁”诗中“从兹始免征云南”之慨！本来是“应做云南望乡鬼”的，如今重走台北敦化南路红砖之上，意气风发，不似八十老妇。两个月前，我的四个朋友，都在一月之间，死了八十老娘，我笑谓老太：“别人的妈跟你同岁，都死了，你有何感想？”老太笑答曰：“我身体好得很呢！我跟你一起死！” 老太太的风趣，由此可见。 在这最后一章，我故意写得很随性，信笔所之，像个老去人儿在话家常，想到哪儿就说到哪儿，别有倚卖之趣。既然行云流水般地写这部回忆录，我想随性谈谈我“性之所至”的事。我小学四年级十岁以后，因为看到北新书局《健康的性生活》一书，就发现了手淫之乐。这个习惯，跟随我五十多年，直到今天。“手淫”两字对我说来，其实不符实际，因为我不用手久矣。我精选美女图片，虚拟实境，顾而乐之；穷极视想之欲，意而淫之。因为美女图片愈选愈是极品、愈是上选，所以去实际上的女人愈远，实际上的女人其实极少符合我那十分挑剔的审美标准，因为她们缺点太多。古人说“书中自有颜如玉”，是对的，因为马路上颜如玉的毕竟太少了。而符合高标准的，多在书中。这也就是我愈老愈难被实际女人迷住的原因。——平面的美女，我可见得太多了；实际上的，反倒不够看了。我偏好“意淫”如此，人或以幻相讥，但我看来，幻其实也未尝不真，是真的另一面。相对的，真之为物，也并不与幻相对，它其实也未尝不幻，是幻的另一面。1982年1月25日，我出狱前十六天，独坐牢徒四壁的囚室中，首写《真与幻》一诗，表达此义： 人说幻是幻， 我说幻是真。 若幻原是假， 真应与幻分。 但真不分幻， 幻是真之根。 真里失其幻， 岂能现肉身？ 肉身士。不现， 何来两相亲？ 真若不是幻， 也不成其真。 真幻原一体， 絮果即兰因。 这诗的立论是很明显的，我认为真幻一体，但是幻是更根本的。这种根本，并不是笛卡儿“我思想，所以我存在”那种，而是真是存在的，但只有根之以幻才成；而幻的存在，也要附之以真才成。这种关系，有点玄妙，但在第一流的爱情里，我们便可看到它的相成。没有幻的爱情，其实是一种假的真，“假作真时真亦假，无为有处有还无。”当你追求的纯是真的一面，你将发现真只是缺憾、现实与索然，并且变化不居。逃离这种情境的方法只有“意淫”、“精神恋爱”。“限时分手”，此外别无他途。 古人说太上忘情，最下不及于情，情之所钟，正在我辈。但是我辈中人，钟情之事，却每入魔障、误入歧途。魔障与歧途之尤者，就是把爱情搅成痛苦之事，这是最要不得的。其实，男欢女爱是人类最大的快乐，这种快乐，是纯快乐，不该掺进别的，尤其不该掺进痛苦。在爱情上痛苦是一种眼光狭小的表示，一种心胸狭