Chapter 33 14. Suffering and sublimation (1)

Writing awakens all sweet dreams.Writing activates all emotions.Writing mobilizes all memory.Writing produces all the fun.Similarly, writing makes me seem powerless, full of holes, and nothing good.If you are going to write, no matter how rich you think you are or are thought to be, you will still be poor, no matter how clever you are or are thought to be, you will still be too clumsy, no matter how imaginative and Creativity, you are still too mediocre, too easy to walk in the footsteps of others, and no matter how you think or be identified as a natural blessing, you still find that the prospects are very uncertain, even It's a bit dangerous.

I know that I am not incapable of success.But the road to success is perilous and bumpy.I know I am different, but the differences have not yet been recognized by authority.I know that writing will make me famous, but I know that I will pay a price for it.I know that from then on, all my experiences, joys, sorrows, joys, ups and downs, greatness and smallness, wind and rain, thunder and lightning, and trivial matters all have colors and meanings. From then on, everything in life will not be bad. When it rang, the strings of life vibrated Wang Meng's every day, every hour and every minute. Since then, Wang Meng has done what only Wang Meng can do.I have saved the great era, I have saved the beautiful youth, I have saved the unique agitation of the first generation of young people in New China, I have saved the flame and flower ornaments of life.But I have to give up, give up, give up many of my favorite real life and happiness for this.And it was my favorite, my real life and happiness that prompted me to pick up the pen, and it was after I picked up the pen that I could only face the wall and meditate, waving the pen baldly, nervous, full of dullness, and alienated from my favorite Favorite life, practical work and community.Even, writing will alienate me from the leadership. No matter how enlightened and talented, no cadre, section chief, division chief, bureau chief or secretary would welcome his subordinates to indulge in literary writing one after another.A leader whom I respect and love, and who is loved by many people in the country, once said in private: so many young people love literary creation, China will perish!I totally understand what he said, and I don't disagree with what he said.

On weekend nights, the district trade union that works at the same location as us organized an open-air dance party. The tunes of "Backgammon" and "College Student Waltz" (Soviet songs) were charming, and people were dancing, enjoying the openness and joy of a new life, but I couldn't go, I must use this opportunity to write. A rally that I may or may not participate in. In the past, I would choose to participate and put my drop of water into the vast ocean of the people's youth. This is my happiness and my pride.But I can't share my writing ideas with the crowd too much, I have to quietly pursue my somewhat adventurous endeavor in a secluded place.

I am already the deputy secretary of the Communist Youth League Committee. I have an independent office. I have various files on my desk. At the time when the Youth League Committee was established, there were still very few grassroots) reports, summaries, plans and requests for instructions, and various approval forms.My desk is full of the office papers that were commonly used at the time: a cheap and cheap sheet of brilliant paper, as well as carbon paper, thin and soft Mino paper, as well as staplers, staples, paper clips, glue, and paper clips .I took a piece of bright paper to write my great novel, and as soon as the door slammed, I covered the draft paper with other files.I feel that my expression is a little unnatural, and my words are a little distracted. I hope to end the conversation as soon as possible. I am a little out of group, at least not the same as before.

It is only after starting to write that I realize how great, difficult, stretched, poor, exhausted, in a dilemma, and at a loss when writing a book.You have to consider the characters, and you have to consider the relationship between the characters.You have to consider events.You have to consider the weather, scenes, backgrounds, props, sounds, trees, flowers, insects and fish, sunlight and moonlight, morning glow and sunset, all seasons, joys and sorrows, life, old age, sickness and death, right and wrong... You are creating a world, you become God of your world. (Later, in 1958, it was the respected and beloved teacher Wu Boxiao who wrote an article criticizing the "writer God" theory without naming names, because I confessed this idea in my confession materials.)

And you are only 1.68 meters tall, weigh more than 50 kilograms, have a malnourished and stunted body, are 19 years old, receive 18 grades, have a first-year high school education, and have published 300-word reports and 800-word essays... ...The career is always so great, the literature is always so noble, the revolution is always so selfless, the feelings are always so hot, and you who do all these are always so small and even humble! And you think about it, one idea per minute, you hesitate, and you stand at the crossroads all the time.There are dozens and hundreds of possible choices for any paragraph, and dozens and hundreds of ways to say each sentence. You can also think of every punctuation mark once, twice, eight times, or eighteen times.The freedom of literature makes you fall into space, anything is possible, anything can be chosen, anything can be successful, and nothing can be ineffective... How terrifying and heartbreaking it is !

You have no experience.You never read a book on how to write.You rarely read monthly literary magazines and new books.Liu Shaotang, who is two years younger than you, is already famous, followed by Cong Weixi, who has already made his mark.Shao Yanxiang, who you admire and is moved to the ground, has already stood tall. "I am looking for you in the sky full of stars, I am staring at you, you know?", "A song makes the river swell, and a song makes the rainbow appear", Yanxiang's "The Earth Facing Mars" "Say" and "Reed Flute" have been written into my heart and my dream, what else can I do?