Chapter 74 Thirteen, still the same me

When I was writing this autobiography, I looked through my diaries in the past. On the one hand, I was surprised by the dramatic changes in my life scene, but on the other hand, I found that in fact, I have not changed much. My temperament is still the same as before. And indifferent young man.Perhaps, it is difficult for people to really change. The inner core has already been formed, but it presents different forms in different scenes. The change of the scene proves the firmness of the inner core. Now I seem to be famous, wherever I go, I will meet readers who like my books.But, am I not that little civil servant who worked hard to read and write in the valley of Guangxi but remained unknown? Or, am I not the student who indulged in reading extracurricular books in the Peking University class and didn’t pay attention to the lectures?I have long developed the habit of independent study and work, the only difference is that it was criticized in the past, but now it has brought me a reputation, which shows how superficial a reputation is.Am I going to stop my job if I don't have this reputation?of course not.This habit of working for myself has become such a part of my personality that without it, I really wouldn't be me.I believe that every creator must be a person who loves work and develops the habit of working. This work is chosen by him and activated by his spiritual desire, so he never tires of it and cannot stop it.Those who have no such experience looked at him from the outside and found it incomprehensible, so they reluctantly gave an explanation, which is called diligence.There are many people in the world who work under extrinsic motives, who really do not understand what it is to work for themselves, and who do not know what to do without the extrinsic impetus.There are also some smart or talented people who can't always form the habit of working, and finally achieve nothing.They often feel that their talents are underappreciated, but it seems to me that a person's inability to develop the habit of work is a proof of lack of talent in itself, because the desire to create is the most important part of talent.

People often talk about an impression of me, thinking that I am humble, and there is an imperceptible arrogance hidden in my modesty.On my own reflection, this is partly true.The reason why it is said is partly because there is still a part that may come from a misunderstanding.I have always been not sociable, and I would be cautious in front of unfamiliar people. In order to avoid mutual embarrassment, I would rather keep my distance. This attitude may be misunderstood as pride.However, I have had the reputation of being noble since middle school, and being noble is of course a kind of arrogance.I can't restrain my arrogance in front of two kinds of people, one is those who are famous and rich, and the other is self-righteous people.I am relatively inferior in nature. One of the reasons may be that I am too focused on my heart, so the vast field of the external world is unfamiliar to me. Once I step into that field, I will be at a loss. If you are a capable person, I will feel ashamed of myself.However, after all, I'm not a non-human eater. After seeing a lot, I have a basic judgment.What I've found is that extremely confident people tend to be superficial.I have an instinctive aversion to those who demonstrate a sense of great mission in their words and deeds, and I keep my distance.According to my analysis, they basically belong to two types of people, one is a spiritual tyrant who has not yet succeeded, and the other is a social actor with a strong sense of role.Dealing with them just makes me tired and bored.In my opinion, a true sense of purpose is nothing more than a love for the work that one has chosen and is doing.When I meet such people, my blood instinct will recognize them as my own brothers.

When I was young, I was a very shy person. Every time I wanted to meet a stranger or even someone who was not very new, I would linger outside that person’s door for a long time, and finally worked up the courage to knock on the door. , I was relieved instead.Now that I have seen a little bit of the world, I have a thicker skin, but my basic character is hard to change, and seeing strangers still makes me feel uncomfortable.Shyness seems to be a kind of beauty, and I know it in my heart, but in fact I am clumsy.I don't want to take care of social affairs. The important reason is also my clumsiness.If I want to guide young students, the more suitable way for me is to teach by precept and example in a small area, rather than giving lectures in a large audience.I was really afraid to give a speech. My first reaction to this kind of invitation was to decline. If I accepted it softly, the disaster would start from then on. I didn’t feel at ease until the day of the speech.People who are good speakers have three characteristics, and I lack them all.One is memory. Famous quotes and good examples can be picked up at your fingertips, but I can't even remember what I wrote.The second is self-confidence. I feel that I am a person, and I can speak platitudes vividly, but I don’t even have the confidence to say things that have been thought through.The third is the desire to express, I get emotional when I face the audience, but I feel flustered when I go on stage.Occasionally, my speeches are successful, and most of them are thanks to the audience. Their emotions are really good, and they mobilize my emotions, making me seem to be a different person, and I can even speak eloquently.Most of the time, though, I walk off stage frustrated with myself and apologetic to my audience.

When a person is young, external factors—including the people, things, and opportunities he meets—will have a greater impact on his life beliefs and life paths.However, after reaching a certain age, the influence of external factors will be greatly weakened.At that time, if he has formed his own belief in life, it will be difficult for external factors to change it; if it has not yet formed, it will be difficult for external factors to form it.I am glad that I formed my own life beliefs earlier, and I have already walked on a life path that is in line with my nature.So, I'll keep going like this.

Is there no more confusion in my mind?of course not.People can use wisdom to solve many confusions, but I see more and more clearly that there are some confusions that cannot be solved with wisdom, which are the great confusions of life.I have solved the little confusions of life with my wisdom, so now I live a quiet life and feel happy in it.However, this quiet day may still not be my destination.Where is my home?It must be a state that relieves the great confusion of life, I don't know what it is, but I know that in that state, all the days of my life will be blessed. Finished on May 10, 2004