Chapter 65 4. Delayed first love

After I arrived in Beijing, I never forgot my wife who stayed in Dashangou in Guangxi. I knew how desolate it was to live alone there.Therefore, every four or five days, I must send her a thick letter.Some classmates found that I was always immersed in writing letters, and they were curious. When they heard that it was for my wife, they laughed and said, I have never seen someone write letters to my wife so frequently, so what's the point?I really miss Toshiko, afraid that she won't be able to bear the loneliness.After watching a movie, I will describe the plot and feelings in detail, and I want her to share the pleasure of watching the movie.I kept cheering her up and encouraging her to learn English and other knowledge by herself, which can make her life more content, and it will be easier for her to find a suitable job once she is transferred to Beijing.A large part of my letters to her is my diary.I don't use a diary any more. I keep my diaries on paper and send them with letters.The reason for doing this is to let her keep abreast of my daily life, thoughts and the situation in Beijing, which not only relieves her boredom, but also prevents the growing estrangement between us.However, I soon discovered that the combination of diary and letter actually caused great trouble.It often happened that some idea I wrote in the diary caused her misunderstanding or dissatisfaction, and she wrote me a letter of anger and resentment, or did not reply at all, so I had to write to explain the origin and consequences of the idea, Then I waited anxiously for her next letter, wondering if I could get her understanding.In the process of our correspondence, such quarrels emerged endlessly, and I couldn't help but regret the pedantry of reporting ideas at any time.But the desire to let her know me always prevailed, and I continued to do so.

In hindsight, Toshiko's anger was not entirely due to a misunderstanding.Whenever she had a fit like this, it was mostly because I had written in my diary my thoughts on sex, love, marriage, or dealings with girls.Of course, my views are very sensible, which aroused her vigilance and worry.At the time, I was indeed talking about my own thoughts, so I blamed her for being too practical and not good at thinking from a philosophical and social perspective.I pointed out to her that advocating freedom of sex does not mean that I want to have adultery with another woman, any more than advocating freedom of divorce means that I want to divorce her.My sensible views do not prevent me from loving my wife more tenderly and passionately than other husbands. Rather, only a person who advocates freedom of love knows how to truly love someone, and his love will not be false.I swear to her that I will never abandon a partner who is in trouble, especially because she loves me so much that I have become her whole life and only sustenance, and it is even more impossible to do unfeeling things.I have written many of these words with the utmost sincerity, and have no doubt that I will keep the vows I have made from my heart.However, a woman's intuition is closer to the truth than a scholar's lyricism, and Minzi is still deeply disturbed.

In one communication, Toshiko told me clearly that the reason why she was worried about me was not because of my personality, which she trusted, but because of my understanding of the problem.She sees more clearly than me that a person who regards love as the main value of life and the only reason for marriage marries someone he doesn't love very much. whats the matter.At that time, no matter the character and conscience, or the experience of suffering together, they will not be able to stop that thing from happening.Perhaps because of this, we both lived with self-deception to varying degrees, albeit in different ways, for quite some time.She often talks about me excitedly to people, saying how good I am and how I love her, and I keep stating reasons to myself and to her, proving that she is worthy of my love.When she sensed the crisis, she was eager to escape to the dreamland she wove, while for me, I wanted to resist the temptation of the dream of love, so I tried my best to beautify the fact of the marriage.I don't want to face my obvious shortcomings, as if I have to wait for someone to show up and make my pent-up love volcano explode before I realize that I have never really been in love.

This person was bound to appear, and he did. In the spring of 1980, I met her on an outing.A figure in the woods, sitting motionless on a stone, resting his cheek on one hand, looks like a statue.She whispered to her companions: "Look, Rodin's thinker." A man and a little boy were chasing butterflies in the weeds, and she cried out in a crisp voice: "Look how cute that man is!" and ran away immediately. In the past, join the ranks of chasing butterflies.However, when the editor-in-chief of a famous journal arrived, people stood up and shook hands, but she sat still, and the editor-in-chief walked up to her, but she just smiled and extended her hand for a shake, without any intention of standing up.I saw these details in my eyes, and my heart beat.I've never seen a girl like this, so innocent, so out of this world.

Later, I saw Yu'er often, and fell in love a year later.Bystanders said that they have never seen people in their thirties fall in love so crazily.It's no wonder, since this was my first real taste of what it's like to be in love.The flood was so great that I had no choice but to accept the catastrophe—or the bliss of it.Yu'er was really cute too. She was twenty-four years old that year, her whole body radiated youthful brilliance, her face was naturally charming, her personality was very good, natural and healthy.A female classmate wrote an inscription in her graduation yearbook: "Your strengths are overwhelming, and your shortcomings are for appreciation." , but will suddenly say amazing incisive words.

From falling in love in 1981 to getting married in 1988, we have traveled a long and tortuous road.Minzi is too pitiful, once you lose me, you will have nothing, we all know this, so in the first few years we don't think about marriage, just be lovers.Due to accidental reasons, our affairs were known by both units. Fortunately, I had already graduated and stayed in the Institute of Philosophy. I only received criticism, but she paid the price.Due to the uncertainty of the future, at least this is one of the reasons, she once wavered and put me on hold for half a year, allowing me to taste the ups and downs of love, including the taste of broken love.When I finally survived, she returned to me with a relaxed face, but she came back without hesitation.I said, "You are a child playing with water, stirring up the sea of ​​my life." What did she say?She said this sentence is good, hurry up and write it down.There is no way, she is a small animal, and everything about her, including her confusion, absurdity, and betrayal, comes from nature, so I have to forgive her and still appreciate her when she is most unruly.

From the very beginning, I didn't hide my love affair with Yu'er from Minzi, and in fact I couldn't hide it either.Every year on family vacation, I go to resources, or she comes to Beijing, she is sensitive and she will not fail to notice my abnormal emotions.The thing she'd been dreading had finally happened, and her reactions were conflicted.Sometimes she was extremely reasonable, even noble, and expressed complete understanding of me, saying that I should not suppress my artist nature, which must be suppressed with her, and advised me to divorce quickly.Sometimes, she blamed fiercely, accused angrily, and vowed to live with me like this.I know that both of these are real, the so-called conflict between reason and emotion, but what is more real than these two is her attachment to me, her pain and despair, which are often expressed through eyes and tears.However, we all understand that the overturned water is hard to recover, and separation is only a matter of time.This is a ruthless step, but I can't be ruthless enough to throw her in the ravine. As long as she can't get out of the resources, I won't divorce.She was transferred to Beijing in 1987, and after she settled down, we went through the divorce procedures by agreement.She appeared calm and self-respecting that day, and she won my eternal respect for her behavior at the moment of parting.

I never thought that Yu'er and I could not make it to the end, and we broke up in the end.However, I don't want to judge love by success or failure.To measure whether a love is successful, the length is not the only criterion, but its quality, whether it has had a long-term positive impact on the lives of both parties.I am a miser of my life's wealth, and never cross any income once it has been credited to my books.I believe that the truth is the same, whether for me or Yu'er, our love is a very good time in life.Yuer once asked me, "I know myself through you. Don't you too?" I replied, "Yes, not only knowing myself, but also improving myself." I really feel that we can inspire each other, and our Relationships are productive.When we first started dating, she praised me like this: "You are very complete, with superior personality, intelligence, and emotions." A few years later, she said this to others: "He looks easy-going, but his heart is simple, sensitive, and delicate. , but soft but not weak, with inner strength." Even if these words were said when I was blindfolded by love, it was a great encouragement to me, a person who has always been unconfident.She always had an enthusiastic anticipation of my writing, and it gave birth to my first productive period.She liked the poems of Munk and others, so I was not convinced, so I worked hard to make her like it. The result may not be as good as Munk, but it is much better than my own before, a leap forward.I wrote most of the poems in my collection of poems "Sorrowful Lust" published in 1991.In a sense, the impact of this love on my life is second only to Guo Shiying.When I entered the university, I wanted to do learning. Guo appeared and told me: life is the first thing, and then learning.When I returned to Beijing, I felt that my life was over and all that was left was learning. Yuer appeared and told me: Your life has not passed, in fact, it has just begun.Through this relationship, I rediscovered my purpose in life and became stronger than ever.