Chapter 33 11. Childish complexity

I wrote a short article, to the effect that I walked the road of life behind a gray figure, and this figure was Guo Shiying.I see the world from his face.He turned around with a pained expression on his face.So, I thought the world was also suffering.Shiying read the essay, smiled wryly, and did not speak.Now, this figure disappeared, but I didn't see the truth of the world, but felt that the world was empty. My feelings for Shiying can be called an infatuation.I am by no means a homosexual, this infatuation with a friend of the same sex has only happened once, and only at that age.With this experience, I feel that I can understand the love that the young students of ancient Greece had for their philosopher teachers.From the time I entered Peking University, Shiying was my guide, regardless of whether the path I took was the right one or the wrong one.Now without him, my life has suddenly lost its purpose.I can't get any news about him, and I can't stop thinking about him every day and night.There were many days when I couldn't do anything but write poems about him.

I started to drink by myself in a small restaurant in Shanghai Dian.Once, I drank too much and stumbled back to the dormitory.Zhao Hongzhi saw how uncomfortable I was, and helped me take a walk on campus, from the dormitory area to the edge of Weiming Lake.As soon as I sat down on a stone bench, I fell unconscious.When I opened my eyes again, what I saw was the endless sky, and I didn't know where I was.Zhao Hongzhi's voice sounded in my ear, asking me if I felt better, and it was only then that I realized that I had fallen asleep on the stone bench.He told me I slept for an hour.It was the first time in my life that I got drunk.This classmate who is ten years older than me has been patiently by my side, and I am very moved.On the way back to the dormitory, he advised me kindly and incoherently: "You like to use your brain very much, but the problems you think about are different from everyone else's. If you think about the same problems as everyone else, your progress will be even greater. ..."

In all fairness, most of the students in the class are friendly to me. This has something to do with my young age. Everyone treats me as a naive little brother and tolerates me.The little man from the Northeast often stretched out his arms and tried to hug me, saying that he wanted to weigh me, and I bluntly avoided his intimacy.The older Zhejiang native pushed me awake from my afternoon nap and told me to be careful not to catch a cold. I laughed at why he didn't just cover me with a quilt.Sometimes I take pride in my talents and make hurtful remarks, often to that Beijinger who I think is pedantic, and he never cares about me.However, while I am grateful, I still feel lonely. Perhaps the reason is that Zhao Hongzhi said that I think differently from everyone else.Once, Teacher Chen excitedly invited me to Feng Ding's house to celebrate the birthday of the famous red professor who wrote a widely circulated "Communist Outlook on Life". Go forward and be proud.At that time, most of the students who applied for the philosophy department were student cadres in middle schools. They thought that studying philosophy was to engage in politics and be a cadre.In fact, at that time, the main destination of philosophy students after graduation was government agencies.It is conceivable that under such a background, there must be very few people who are really interested in spiritual things.There are a few students who like literature, and they should be regarded as the closest to this requirement.

He had heard from Shiying a long time ago that there are several good people in the first class, and the one he admires most is Fang Xiaozao.At the end of the first grade, I had more contacts with Xiaozao.We are all implicated in the X case, and we feel a little bit sympathetic.It turned out that his relationship with Cao Qiuchi was as close as that between me and Shiying.Now, I don't have Guo, and he is estranged from Cao.The reason for the estrangement is that he found that Cao often lied to him.Even after the estrangement, the lies continued.Once we walked out of the classroom after class, he looked at Cao's back and said jokingly: "We have nothing, unlike him, and we have touched the lips of the opposite sex." When eating, he held up a spoon to imitate Cao's tone: "She His slender figure is like this spoon." At that time, Cao was courting a girl from the Eastern Language Department, and he once bragged to him about dancing with her, writing love letters to each other, giving each other verses from "Evgeny Onegin", etc. .Soon after, the truth came to light. The fact was that the girl ignored Cao's pursuit. In the end, Cao threatened to kill her. She asked the school for help, and Cao was warned by the school.

What Xiaozao was most worried about in those days was that he heard that the department head was investigating his absence from class.He told me that if you miss 25 classes in a school year, you will be expelled, and he has at least double that.Fortunately, this matter finally let it go.He later took a year off due to lung disease and was a grade below me, but our friendship lasted a lifetime.A classmate in his class once said to me: "In our grade, you and Xiaozao are the smartest, but you work harder than him." I know this is not true, Xiaozao is smarter and harder than me.However, his study has no utilitarian motive at all, so it doesn't seem like he is studying.Regardless of Chinese and foreign books, he has read more books than me, and has more relaxed and witty discussions after reading.There is a kind of Tao Yuanming's temperament in him. Reading is just for enjoyment, extremely casual, and there is almost a kind of physical resistance to fame and fortune.This character has been maintained throughout his life, making him finally a hermit in this noisy age.I feel sorry for his talent, and sometimes I can't help but persuade him to make progress, but he is always calm.My detachment is the product of self-discipline, and his detachment is deep in the bones. In front of him, I will feel that I am a layman after all.

Xiao Zao was only one year older than me, and we were both very naive at the time, and one thing is very telling.Before the end of the school year, the school asked every student in the first grade to write an autobiography and put it in their files.The two of us were worried about a similar problem. I was worried about whether to write about Guo Shiying, and he was worried about whether to write about Cao Qiuchi.After discussion, we decided to write. We all felt that if we didn't write about people who had such a great influence on us, the autobiography would not be true.My autobiography is very lyrical. There are two main points of lyricism. One is the influence of Guo Shiying on me, and the other is the significance of books in my life.This is actually in line with the facts. In my nearly eighteen years of career, I can't find anything more worthy of writing than these two.Later, when I got a general idea of ​​the nature and functions of personnel files, I realized how stupid my approach was.

Also at the end of the term, a so-called small stool incident happened in our second class.The thing was very simple: the school gave everyone a small stool, and the monitor lost his small stool, so he took someone else's stool and wrote his name on it.Several students in the class seized this incident and started to make a big fuss, aiming to subvert the power of the class.They did it step by step. The first step was to talk to people separately and win over the so-called centrists.I never cared about right and wrong in the class, but I was also listed as an object of struggle.A person from Jiangsu who was the leader came to talk to me personally, and launched a very skillful attack.He pointed out at the beginning: "People say that you are complicated in thinking, but I think you are naive and complicated. Although you have read a lot, you are very naive in politics." This sentence is right, and I readily agree.Then he asked me: "Do you know who is punishing Guo Shiying?" The answer he gave me was Teacher Chen and these class and regiment cadres.This is outrageous, he probably doesn't know, I know a little bit of the inside story.The conversation finally settled on the small stool incident, which mobilized me to stand up and fight.What's ridiculous is that they managed to complete the work in one class, and they didn't even let someone as detached as Xiaozao go.After creating enough public opinion, they forced Mr. Chen to call a class meeting, urged the head of the department to participate, and criticized the class leader again and again, and the class leader made self-criticism time and time again.However, the request to remove the squad leader was rejected, and the goal of seizing power was not achieved.I watched this scandalous struggle for class power with disgust, feeling only that I was among complete strangers.Thinking back to Shiying, I can't help being amazed at the huge difference between people.Even if Shiying is pursuing the truth on a wrong path, compared with these people, he is still so bright and aboveboard.Later, I discovered that under the power-based system, wherever people gather, there are such small struggles for power and profit, and I have naturally become a permanent outsider.I like the comment given to me by the student from Jiangsu - naive and complicated, I wish I could only be complicated in the field of spiritual exploration, and I might as well be forever naive in the field of social relations, or never sophisticated.

The first year of university is over.In this year, I have experienced more things than the past seventeen years combined.The impressions in my mind are vivid and chaotic, and I can't sort out a clue for the time being.I'm also still confused about the future.However, when I set off to go back to Shanghai for my summer vacation, I knew that I was not the same person I left Shanghai a year ago.In the depths of my heart, a certain spring has been dug open, and its water flow is faintly visible, but even when it is submerged by the great river of the times, it still has its own existence.Once a person's spiritual self is awakened, he is not willing to go completely with the flow.