Chapter 28 6. Seek inner fulfillment

I entered Peking University with the ideal of learning. After entering, I found that Peking University was not a place for learning. What greeted me was dogmatic courses and a highly political environment.However, under the influence of Shiying, my original intention has quietly changed.I realize that learning is not the first priority, life itself is higher than learning, and being a person with a rich inner world is more meaningful than being a scholar.Shiying often said that the meaning of life lies in the enrichment of the heart.This sentence has also become my motto.He himself is a role model for me. Although in the eyes of his classmates, he is a person who has gone astray, but I believe he is more real than anyone I have ever met.He was originally a childlike and sincere person, but because he was too attached to spiritual things, he often fell into pain.I thought to myself, I would rather suffer like him than be satisfied like others, because his pain is actually fullness, and other people's satisfaction is actually emptiness.

However, my determination once wavered.It was not long after the second semester of the first grade started, and a movement to learn from Lei Feng was launched.One day, when we were walking on campus, he suddenly asked me: "Who is Lei Feng? I only know two things: he is from the People's Liberation Army; he was crushed to death by an electric pole." he.In the evening, in the reading room, a student sat across from us, flipping through a copy of "Byron's Lyrics" for a while, and writing something on a piece of paper for a while. "Do you think he looks like someone who reads Byron?" Shiying whispered to me.He stood up, pretending to be nonchalant, and walked around behind the man.Walking out of the reading room, he said to me: "I saw that he was writing a poem, and I wanted to ask him to read it. But when I looked at the paper, I was shocked—it was Lei Feng again! We each wrote a poem, too. How about an article about Lei Feng?" I agreed.

The next day, he brought me a stack of papers.This is a group of essays, I remember such a sentence: "Who is Lei Feng? Has he loved? Who is she? A log fell down, and he died." In addition, it is to laugh at all kinds of people who learn from Lei Feng. Reaction.I think that's a little too much.He ridiculed everything and resisted everything, but he didn't have anything affirmative, and he didn't have a belief to uphold. Would this still be the pursuit of truth, and would there be a positive result?I responded with a set of essays, imitating his sarcasm, criticizing him.

At this time, the grade was going to hold a seminar on learning from Lei Feng, and the Youth League branch mobilized me to give a key speech, and I agreed.Now I analyze that the reason why I agree is that firstly, I have doubts about Shiying’s tendency, and secondly, I also have vulgar practical considerations, and I want to change the isolation in the class that I have formed because of being with Shiying.At night, under the fluorescent lights in the classroom, the desks are surrounded by a circle.In the past, Shiying and I always sat together no matter in class or in meetings, but this day he sat far away from me, while a few activists deliberately sat around me to cheer for me.It was my turn to speak, and I mustered up the courage to read the prepared manuscript.I talked about the relationship between personality development and social needs, and said that I should learn from Lei Feng and obey the society personally.I also compared the professors with Lei Feng, claiming that Lei Feng's contribution was greater.When I was speaking, I saw Shiying buried her head and kept writing in a notebook.My speech ended with a generous praise to Lei Feng, to the effect that: Lei Feng is thunder, and the roaring thunder is caused by charged clouds composed of countless ordinary small water droplets; Ordinary small metal molecules are combined together; Lei Feng embodies his great quality with countless ordinary little things.Now, of course, I feel ashamed of these words. They are extremely empty, and they express an authentic point of view propagated at the time with piles of rhetoric.However, as soon as the words fell, there was warm applause, and several classmates around me held my hand excitedly.Before I spoke, one of my classmates wrote a poem praising Lei Feng for me to read. I commented on the paper: "Is this a poem? It's just shouting. It has neither content nor form." At this time, he Said to me earnestly: "Your speech is the real poetry."

The meeting ended, and the classmates surrounded me and walked towards the dormitory.Through the night, I saw Shiying's solitary shadow walking in front, he was the only one, and everyone was far away from him, including me.I suddenly felt deeply guilty and realized that I had in fact betrayed him.Back in the bedroom, he smiled tolerantly at me. We sat together again in class the next day.During class break, he read to me the diary he wrote at the seminar yesterday: "Good guy, I rejected all the professors... Congratulations, we were friends before, but after that, we broke up. I won't hinder you..." Listen As I listened, I wept.When the class bell rang, he scribbled on a piece of paper and handed it to me.It was a poem, which read: "Am I a stone, or a demon? I just sucked up my own blood, but I stretched out the poisonous sting to the weak heart." I cried back in tears. The main idea of ​​this poem is that I am another Gore Dekin (the protagonist in "Double Personality"), and my heart is wandering, and the wandering will not last long.He immediately wrote me a letter, telling me: Individuals and society will inevitably conflict, which makes everyone inevitably have a dual personality; you should listen to your inner voice and let your personality be expressed freely.Freedom of individuality has always been the central issue that Shiying paid attention to. The first article he wrote in Peking University was entitled "On Impulse and Uneasiness", which also revolved around this issue. Repressed by the outside, covered up, manifested as an external purpose, causing hypocrisy, causing anxiety.As I read the letter, he kept looking at me, the muscles in his face twitching nervously.After class, he said to me: "Actually, I didn't blame you, and I don't hate learning from Lei Feng. I support others learning from Lei Feng. The question is you—can you learn it? Are you really willing to be Lei Feng?"

He was right.In fact, I have always been conflicted in my heart.On the one hand, I feel the huge social reality I am in, and I know that if I don't adapt to it, there is no way out.It was under the domination of this sense of reality that I made such a generous statement.On the other hand, I truly believe that life is too pale just to be an ordinary screw, and I will not be really reconciled.I still value independent thinking and individual freedom, preferring to live a painful but fulfilling life.After this, Se Young and I became closer.I, a lost lamb, was once led on the right path by the regiment branch, and before they had time to celebrate, I soon returned to the lost path.