Chapter 19 Seventeen, lonely boy

I entered high school with a secret anguish that made me more withdrawn and sensitive.Throughout high school, I pushed myself to study hard like an ascetic, and I seemed to pay no attention to girls at all.Some boys and girls in the class like to fight with each other, and I am very disgusted when I see it.Once, they were playing around again, a girl wrote a string of my name on the blackboard, and then walked to the seat and patted my head, I immediately put on a straight face.In fact, I have always liked this lively girl in my heart, and her behavior is actually a friendly expression to me, but I am so unreasonable.Because of my rigidity, the prettiest girl in the class nicknamed me Little Old Man.Now I analyze, at that time

I am actually in the stage of spontaneous adjustment of sexual psychology. In order not to let the awakening of sensual desire damage the poetry of the opposite sex, I unconsciously stay away from the opposite sex and build a barrier between me and them. I served as the editor-in-chief of the blackboard newspaper in my class, and I used this opportunity to express my opinion and attack the phenomenon of flirting between boys and girls.I remember a miscellaneous feeling written like this: "Some boys like to say how you girls are, and some girls like to say how you boys are, such boys and girls are not very good." This challenge quickly Revenge ensued.Before that, the Chinese teacher read out a composition of mine entitled "When the Wake-up Bell Rings" in class. Eating snacks under the mosquito net was discovered by the visiting teacher, and the situation was very embarrassing.So, an anonymous article titled "Xiaolin and Xiaoping" appeared on the blackboard newspaper I hosted, which mocked me as that Xiaolin.I soon knew that the article was written by Huang Yihe. He is a boy who likes to play with girls the most. No wonder he thought of a way to pay me back.

Another cause of my isolation was my infirmity, which filled my head with pessimistic thoughts.During the winter vacation of the third year of high school, I read a book on the history of Chinese literature, which was greatly influenced, and I wrote many poems in one go.They are nothing more than two types of content, one is to express aspirations, and the other is to sigh about life and death.In the latter category of poems, such sentences are full of sentences: "You can fulfill a thousand-year dream in one night, and you can sigh at the impermanence of the world"; , Nashi Ambition actually fell into the ground."When I read the deeds of Wang Bo and other short-lived poets in history, I feel very sad, as if that is also my destiny.I slept very badly and often woke up in the middle of the night tormented by two things, sex and death.Sex and death are my two dark secrets, revealed in the night.Sex is rampant in the quilt, and death is hideous in the boundless darkness outside the window.I seem to be able to see death very clearly, and see myself absolutely disappear after death, never to exist again, so I feel indescribable fear and emptiness.

My eccentricity is manifested in the relationship with my classmates, which is a kind of aloofness that is not gregarious.Among the crowd gathered in the dormitory to play poker or chat, I would never be seen.The three years I was in high school were in times of economic hardship, and I didn’t have a deep feeling for it. At most, it was just a reduction in food rations, and there was often bean dregs on the table, which was not a pain to me.Because in Shanghai County, a considerable part of the enrollment indicators of the upper middle school is for the rural areas, the students from the rural areas show a kind of fanaticism for food, and often gather in the dormitory to talk about eating and drinking.After leaving the meal for a long time, they poked their heads outside the cafeteria door, inquired about the recipe, and then rushed to tell each other.Once, when I heard that I had baked pancakes for breakfast, a classmate was so happy that he went crazy, not knowing how to vent, he pulled down his pants in public, revealing his lower body.Some students always arrive at the cafeteria first, in order to control the power of sharing food at their own table, and give themselves more food.These phenomena made me very disgusted, and made me even more like to appear as if I didn't eat fireworks.

For high school students at that time, joining the Communist Youth League was a big deal.A student who has not joined the group is a backward element in the eyes of everyone, as if he has entered a separate book.When I was a sophomore in high school, I was fifteen years old, and I also wrote an application for joining the team on the eve of leaving the team.However, because I didn't take the initiative to get closer to the organization, I couldn't join the group until I graduated from high school, went to college, and graduated from university.The so-called active closeness to the organization means to constantly express determination and report ideas to the regiment cadres.My nature made it impossible for me to do this. Even if I approached me passively, that is, the regiment cadres took the initiative to talk to me, I would feel extremely awkward and feel that there was an insurmountable psychological barrier.There are two obstacles. One is that I can't speak the same political and ideological language, which is always a foreign thing to me, and the other is that I can't pretend that this language seems to be from my heart. They are an emotional color.I was not that detached. For a long time, because most of the students in the class were members of the League, I was excluded and I really felt ashamed.However, after seeing clearly the contradiction between this matter and my nature, I felt at ease.

Both the subjective and the objective situation made me more focused on the inside, and I found a way to bear the loneliness, which is to keep a journal.When I was in elementary school, I spontaneously kept a diary, and the records were all trivial things, such as whose house my father took me to as a guest, what delicious food I ate, and so on.The basic motive of all writing is hidden in this childish diary, which is to use words to preserve the happiness in life and the years, so as not to let them disappear without a trace.When I was in junior high school, I basically developed the habit of keeping a diary.From the first semester of high school, I started to write a diary every day, and persisted until a certain day during the Cultural Revolution. It has never stopped for eight years.The diary has become my closest friend, and I dedicate many hours to it every day, to which I can tell everything.In this process, it is not just a passive listener, it talks to me, analyzes, evaluates, enlightens, and actually becomes the incarnation of another self.The greatest benefit I have gotten from journaling is the formation of a space for an inner life, a habit of talking to a higher self.