Chapter 15 13. The Storm of Sexual Awakening

The physical development of a boy is a process full of psychological confusion.At the beginning, it seemed as if a strange breeze occasionally blew from a distance, with a smell he had never smelled, passing over the boy's body, arousing a slight inexplicable joy.Then, the wind blew more and more frequently and with increasing force, and it came closer and suddenly appeared as a violent storm.The storm seized the boy's body in its own hands, bumping it, tearing it, and playing with it like a new prey.From then on, the storm settled in the boy's body, like a mysterious and powerful intruder, inexplicably became the boy's master, forcing him to surrender with ecstasy and panic.

An interest in one's own body begins at an early age.I used to feel lost when my mother announced one day that she would no longer bathe me.However, I soon discovered that bathing by myself was much more fun, and I could have fun with that special little organ.I hide it and imagine myself as a girl.I stroked it, watching its subtle reactions.Sometimes, I play a game of taking turns being doctors with a number of children of similar age.With the door closed and the curtains drawn, boys and girls study each other's different parts.I prefer to be a patient and have a female doctor study me.When I was reading a novel, my body gradually began to suggest possible meanings to the places I didn’t understand.This is all just the history of sexual awakening.

When I was about eleven years old, one night, I had a dream.I dreamed of a girl in my class, and then dreamed that I ate an egg-shaped thing, and suddenly felt a strange pleasure.I woke up immediately, nothing happened, but a pleasant tiredness permeated my body.This dream was a signal that my sexual awakening was beginning.I didn't like that girl at first, but after I had this dream, I started to pay attention to her and followed her quietly on the way home from school.This behavior didn't last long as I found myself still not liking her and my attention was quickly shifted to another girl.

In the class of the second grade of junior high school, the little boy sitting in the first row kept turning his head to look at a big girl in the back row.The big girl has a fair and plump face and wears a green floral dress.The little boy thought she was charming, and at first he unconsciously wanted to look back, but later he did it on purpose, and even wanted to let her know his affection.She really knew it, and every time she met the little boy's eyes, she immediately lowered her head, her cheeks blushing.The little boy was proud and sweet in his heart, and expressed his affection even more presumptuously.This little boy is me.In those days, I really seemed to be in love.Every day after school, I procrastinated on purpose, waiting for her to leave the school gate first, and then followed her from a distance, staring at the green floral dress in the crowd.After returning home, I always thought about her and typed up countless drafts of love letters.However, once I saw her, I didn't have the courage to say a word to her.There is a boy in the class who is her neighbor and dares to talk to her casually. I admire and envy that boy.Once, when we were working in the woodworking workshop run by the school, the two of us happened to form a team and work together.With such a close contact, I was even more cautious and just buried myself in my work.We made two products. When distributing, she asked for the small bookshelf. I was happy to meet her wish, and I willingly took a small hanger that was obviously inferior.Later, at a parent-teacher meeting, I saw her mother, an ugly old woman who looked like a man.This discovery made me feel disillusioned, and my crush on the girl in green suddenly cooled down.In the review class on the eve of graduation, our seats were adjusted together, and she was very close to me.During a chat, she suggested that I apply for the Shanghai Middle School. According to her, every weekend, the students of Shanghai Middle School are picked up by cars.I just listened to her and passed the entrance examination to Shanghai Middle School. After passing the entrance examination, I knew that there was no such thing as a car to pick me up and drop me off.

Later facts proved that my daydream-like love for the girl was just a precursor, a beautiful glow that foretells the coming storm in my body.In two years, the storm came from far and near, and finally wrapped me in the center and completely captured me.For countless sleepless nights, I wrestled helplessly against a raging tide of desire.My head was full of all kinds of sexual fantasies.I listed to myself the most desired things over and over again, and made a list one after another. The first thing is always the bliss that I have imagined countless times but still feel unimaginable.I calculated the age at which I would be able to marry, and I despaired at the thought of the thousands of long days and nights to come.One late night when I was thirteen, I lay on the bed with my eyes open. Desire was like a hot bomb, aimlessly shooting into the air. It was eager to explode, and it really exploded.It terrified me, but also inspired me, and I found a way to masturbate.However, I was still terrified.No one told me what happened and what to do.I went to the bookstore to secretly look through books such as common sense on physical hygiene, and every time I left, I brought back deeper regret and self-blame.According to those books, masturbation is not only a moral vice, but also has serious physiological consequences, while spermatorrhea is a disease.I was caught in a dilemma, because even if I temporarily refrained from masturbation, after a while, nocturnal emission would inevitably occur.Moreover, the more fearful the nocturnal emission is, the more frequent the nocturnal emission will be.Bad habits and diseases must be one of the two, in fact, both cannot escape.Many years later, I realized that the statements in those bullshit physiological hygiene knowledge books were pure nonsense, so I adjusted my psychology.

My personal experience tells me that a boy's sexual awakening is a rather painful process, and he needs kind help and guidance.I don't know what's the best way to do it, but I believe it's a bad way to completely suppress it.Therefore, I am sympathetic to the puppy love of today's boys and girls.The educational environment back then prevented me from tasting the forbidden fruit early, and I always felt that it was a pity, not an honor.I don't think the situation will get out of hand once the rein is let go.During adolescence, the spirit and the body are awakened at the same time, and a check and balance relationship will be formed between the two.In an open environment, no young man with a normal mind and body will indulge in carnal desires and is willing to give up all other higher pursuits.As far as my situation at that time was concerned, I had not only a ferocious desire that was awakening, but also an almost instinctive vigilance and rejection of it.This situation typically manifests itself as a separation of desire and emotion.On the one hand, I had to surrender my body and let desire run wild within that narrow confines.On the other hand, I will never allow desire to cross its territory and defile this poetic world of the opposite sex that is emerging before my eyes.When I first saw a grown man naked, I was even disgusted, thinking it was unclean, believing that it must be the result of some dirty relationship that had already taken place, and therefore believing that virginity must keep my body from becoming that way.My sexual fantasies can be as obscene as they are, but they are directed at abstract females, or rather, at some abstract organ I have never seen, never with a concrete object, and I never apply them to On any girl I see or know.I like to look at the beautiful faces of girls, but my eyes are pure, only infatuation, no pornography.I didn't do this on purpose, it's completely natural, and to put it mildly, it's the sublimation of the flesh to the spirit spontaneously realized in the subconscious.