Chapter 5 chapter Five

On the steps of the playground, he surprised me by hiding a tab from a soda can in a sandwich he bought for me, nearly cutting my tongue while eating it.But he put the pull ring on my finger seriously: "Marry me after graduation.": It's very old-fashioned. Even a few years ago, the plot had appeared on TV N times.But at that time, I really felt very happy, just because it was him. I was very happy, but I said, "Who wants to marry you? I still have to go to college." "Then marry me after graduating from university." He even smiled with happiness: "It can't be later, or I will be old."

When we were in high school, both he and I felt that it would be a long, long time before we graduated from college. When we graduated from college, we would be adults and we could get married. Teenagers, for three to five years, really thought it was a lifetime. It never occurred to me or him that we would break up before graduating high school. From now on, Xiao Lang is a passerby, and for him, I am also a passerby. When I was still in a daze, someone patted me. It turned out to be Mu Zhenfei. He held a plate of cake and handed it over: "Here." The fluffy cake, I didn't even care that the cream got to the corner of my mouth. If I didn't eat any more, I was really afraid that I would cry.Mu Zhenfei saw that I was devouring my food, so he left his own piece to me again: "I haven't seen you so hungry." With my mouth full of cake, I mumbled, "It's delicious."

It's really delicious, it's cloyingly sweet, bitter and sour, and the burning sensation shoots out from under the eyes.I ate the cake one bite after another, afraid that if I stopped, I couldn't help but want to turn around and run away. Everyone was very happy. First, Zhao Gaoxing and Yue Ying sang two songs together, and then all the Maiba rushed to refresh the screen, and the microphones were passed around in everyone's hands. Swish Swish", all the people sang in chorus loudly, because there were so many people, there was no singing, it was all roaring, and the sound of roaring was hee, swish, swish.

Xiao Shan didn't sing a single song, even his best song, Jay Chou.I actually sang several songs, Yue Ying knew that I was also a Maiba, so she swiped the screen for me, all the songs I was good at.I sang one song after another, concentrating on it and being very involved.My mouth was dry, finally Mu Zhenfei brought me a glass of juice, I drank it with a gulp, and then my voice became hoarse. We played very late that night, and when we walked down the stairs, everyone was a little bit drunk. They were drunk, and we were drunk.There are only a few guests left in the hall, and the white grand piano is placed in the center of the huge glass floor, which is reflected by the lights.Zhao Xingxing must have been really happy today. He ran over to open the lid of the piano, and managed to play "Two Tigers" in a barren accent.Before he finished playing, Yue Ying slapped him on the back of the head: "It's a disgrace, there is a tenth-grade piano player here, and you still dare to play tricks."

Zhao Xingxing only had admiration in his eyes: "Are you still a tenth grade piano?" Yue Ying lightly pushed the back of his head again: "I'm not capable of that." Turning around, she yelled at me: "Tong Xue, come here, show him a hand, and shock him." ^ I was laughing all night, my cheeks were sore from laughing, and at this time I felt my cheeks were even more sour: "I haven't played it in years, and I don't even know where the keys are. Let's go, it's too late .” Yue Ying still refused to let go: "You showed your hand at the orientation meeting back then, don't hide it, come quickly, and play your famous song."

I didn't dare to look up at people at all, but fortunately Mu Zhenfei was standing next to me, he was tall, so I desperately shrank into the shadow behind him, and then said incoherently: "It's too late, let's go back quickly, otherwise The door of the dormitory will be closed." I have already forgotten how to get out, I just focus on not trembling, and I just try my best to avoid Xiao Shan's imaginary gaze.Or maybe I was just being sentimental, and he didn't look at me at all, or didn't pay attention to what Yueying and I were talking about. It was really late when I went back that day, and the lights in the dormitory were already turned off.Yueying washed up first and then fell asleep, and I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth.The aroma of snow-white mint overflowed between my teeth, and I mechanically moved the toothbrush in my mouth, thinking about my final farewell, outside the west gate.Zhao Gaoxin was in one group, and Yue Ying and I were in another group. We were going back to different schools, so we parted ways outside the west gate.When I got to the west gate, I turned around and saw Zhao Xingxing and his group had long since disappeared. In the bright lights of West Street, there were small food stalls on both sides, selling barbecue, snacks, and pirated books... A smoky street, light bulbs one after another on the stalls, a brightly lit street, like a bustling river, the shadow of Xiaoshan disappears in the river of lights, just like this night is still just In my dreams, he never appeared.

I have been restless all night, I talk too much, Mu Zhenfei usually says that I am noisy, but tonight I must think that I am extremely noisy.In fact, I was panicked and anxious tonight. I was afraid that others would see that I was different from usual.The result is that I really look different from usual, I acted too much, from the moment Xiao Shan appeared, I was in a mess, until he and Zhao Gaoxin walked from the brightly lit West Street to another and us. In the diametrically opposite direction, one of my hearts still seems to be tugging. It took me a lot of effort to finish brushing my teeth, and my mind was still confused, so I picked up the cup with my left hand.With the dim light coming in from the street lamp, you can see the water in the mouthwash cup shaking violently, splashing and splashing.I put the cup down quickly, and I might lose my grip in a second, and the cup will fall into the sink.

I stood in front of the washbasin, the light coming in from the street lamps outside was very dim, and myself in the mirror was also a blurred black shadow.I subconsciously groped for the string of beads on my left wrist with my right hand. Everyone in the dormitory knew that this string of obsidian was my amulet, and they refused to take it off even in the shower.In fact, this bead is only because of a secret, because it can block the scar on my left wrist. The scar left on the left wrist was not thick, but the wound was very deep at that time.It was so deep that it almost cut off the entire left hand nerve. It is said that the best surgeon in this city performed the repair operation for me, but until now, my left hand has no strength at all, and I can't even hold a glass of water.

When I was fourteen years old, I passed the tenth grade in the piano exam. My mother loved to listen to me playing "Cavatina". A long time ago, Xiao Shan and I sneaked into the piano room of the school. I also played "Thanks giving" for him . But I will never play the piano again in my life. I still remember that night, in the ward, Mo Shaoqian's cold fingers pressed on the main artery in my neck.Even his eyes were cold, and his tone of voice was very calm.He groped for the throbbing artery in my neck, with an almost contemptuous smile: "Why don't you do it here? If you want to cut it, cut it here. The blood will be sprayed out at least two meters, and even to the ceiling. You are five Will die within minutes, how much trouble will it save?"

At that time, the long operation had exhausted me, and I had no extra strength to resist, or the last attempt was still hopeless.I looked at him, and there was no resentment. If this is fate, then I will accept my fate. I resigned to my fate, so I survived heartlessly and gave up going to Jiuquan to reunite with my parents.I accepted my fate, so I brazenly became Mo Shaoqian's mistress.I resigned myself to my fate, so I continued to pretend to be a college student, acting as if nothing had happened. I'm really glad I broke up with Xiao Shan a long time ago, at least I don't have to drag Xiao Shan into this dirty relationship.

Xiao Shan, in fact, these two words have a very light tongue sound, like the wind in spring, gentle and warm.Every time I say this name silently, it is so soft that no one in this world can hear it. It was my one and only treasure, the best thing I ever had. But it's gone, no matter what, it's gone. Just like my parents, no matter how I cry, make noise, or despair, they will never come back to me.Will no longer comfort me, take care of me, give me leaning on. This chance encounter with Xiao Shan made me lose my energy for a whole week. I didn’t go anywhere, except for class and stayed in the dormitory. In the dormitory, I tried my best to do the questions. After finishing most of the book, only when I do the questions can I feel peaceful in my heart, and only when I do the questions do I feel that I am not alone.The tip of the pen is rustling on the manuscript paper to write calculations. Whenever I am standing in front of the blackboard in high school again, I know that there is someone beside me, and the chalk creaks in my and his hands. Line-by-line formulas, line-by-line calculations, are emerging from his hands and me. I know that he is by my side, walking hand in hand with me, and will finally write the same answer as me. On weekends, Mu Zhenfei came to invite me to have hot-boiled mutton, but I refused to go, and was dragged along by Yueying.Since Xiao Shan appeared last time, every time Mu Zhenfei and Zhao Gaoxing met, I had a feeling of fear, I was afraid that Xiao Shan would be with them again.It was only when I saw Xiao Shan that I realized how timid I was. I thought I was broken, I thought I really didn’t care, but when Xiao Shan appeared, I was broken again immediately. The light "click" came from the bottom of my heart, and then spread to the first bone, every inch of skin, cracking them into the tiniest pieces, and then it hurt again. " Three years, it turns out that I have not been able to forget him for three years. He said to break up, I agreed, and then we broke up.To this day, I still remember the comfort I gave myself lightly that day, isn't it just breaking up?Sixteen-year-old love really lasts a lifetime—but I've never been able to forget him. When I entered the mutton shop, my heart suddenly sank like a stone into an invisible abyss.Not only did I see Xiao Shan again, but I also saw Lin Zixian who was sitting next to Xiao Shan. I haven't seen her more beautiful for several years, and she was filled with a unique and charming temperament.I don't even know how to move my legs, if it wasn't for Yue Ying holding my arm, I guess I would have collapsed there like a pile of sugar sand. Lin Zixian was quite graceful when she saw me, so she stood up and shook my hand.It was only now that Mu Zhenfei knew that Xiao Shan and Lin Zixian, I, and I were classmates in high school, and he seemed to be looking at the three of us with interest.Among the three, I talked the most. I praised Lin Zixian's beautiful bag, which is indeed a representative work of an independent designer. Then I praised her scarf and her plaid, which are always so classic and timeless.A series of nouns and adjectives spit out after rolling on my tongue. I am more talkative than those counselors who are always doing ideological work, and I am more wordy than those menopausal aunts who manage periodicals in the library.Because I don't know what I will say when I stop, my relationship with Lin Zixian seems to be better than ever, even though we haven't seen each other since leaving high school Even Yueying was successfully concealed by me. She thought I was so excited to see an old classmate, so she took a chopstick of mutton and put it on my plate: "Eat quickly, you are really like the Yellow River, talking endlessly." Absolutely." I laughed and started to eat mutton, Xiao Shan also boiled a spoonful of mutton for Lin Zixian, Lin Zixian coquettishly said, "It's so fat... how can I let others eat it?" Xiao Shan was very patient and used chopsticks to pick out the fat ones for her bit by bit.I buried my head in eating sugar and garlic, but Zhao Xingxing said: "Boss, look at Xiao Shan and his girlfriend, they are the only ones who raise the eyebrows. You don't care about your sister-in-law, just eat it by yourself." I was almost choked to death by Tang Suan, Mu Zhenfei glanced at Zhao Xing, his usual dimpled, red lips and white teeth charming smile: "You want to tease me to be courteous, I won't be fooled by that." Zhao Xingxing laughed loudly, and boiled a spoonful of mutton for Yue Ying: "If you don't offer it, I will." Yue Ying deliberately tapped the spoon with her chopsticks, making a clanging sound. Everyone was chatting and laughing, and it was very lively. It was the most strenuous meal I've ever had in my life, and I ate it as hard as I could, telling myself not to think too much. In the end, Zhao Xingxing wanted to go to sing K, Xiao Shan and Lin Zixian seemed to be in high spirits too, but I really didn't want to hold on any longer, so I had to rush back to cheat on the excuse that there was still an experiment report to be handed in on Monday. They all went to sing K, and it was Mu Zhenfei who sent me back. Originally, I said I would go alone, but Yue Ying said, "Let the boss see you off." Zhao Xingxing also chimed in.I didn't have the strength to argue any more, so I followed Mu Zhenfei away. Because on weekends, the campus at this time is still quite lively. After entering the west gate, we took a shortcut and walked directly through the hillside.The slopes are full of plum trees, some of which were planted when the school was founded in the early years of the Republic of China. When the flowers bloom, it is fragrant and snowy. Even tour groups regard this place as a scenic spot. During the flower season, there are tour guides holding small flags all day long. , leading the tourists to visit. This road is very quiet at night, and there is only one street light far away. Halfway through the winding path, I was sweating all over, and I could already see the gazebo on the top of the mountain from a distance.This pavilion couplet was inscribed by a master of Chinese studies, and the characters are in cursive script with a bit of Zhu Xizhe's style. The wooden couplet with pillars was just changed to engravings on marble pillars two years ago.This master of Chinese studies was unbearable to be criticized during the Cultural Revolution, and eventually sank in the Mingyue Lake, so every time he saw the wild grass in the couplet: "The breeze and the moon are still shining", most of the students would be fascinated by a mysterious and sad feeling. The association is shrouded.This is also the school's dating resort, the famous lover's mountain.I seriously suspect that the boys in this school choose this place to date their girlfriends because it is convenient for telling ghost stories and can scare the girlfriend's face. I didn't walk very fast in the first place, and Mu Zhenfei followed my frequency, and his steps were also very slow. It was probably my procrastination that made him think that I was tired, so he said, "Why don't you take a rest for a while." In fact, I always felt a breath in my chest. When he said this, I was like a martial arts practitioner, and my true breath was lost.I sit on the side of the beauty of the pavilion, behind the stiff mahogany railings, a century-old famous school, how many people have sat here, vigorous youth, but who will pass away quietly after all. Mu Zhenfei sat down beside me, took out the cigarette case, and asked me very gentlemanly: "Is it okay?" I haven't seen Mu Zhenfei smoke yet, but Mo Shaoqian occasionally smokes one. If I was beside him, he would ask me politely: "Can I?" It was only then that I realized that Mu Zhenfei was actually a very good tutor, and now that I think about it, he is at least a child from an upper-middle class family.Advance and retreat are well-founded, and there is a kind of calmness in everything you do.I didn't pay attention to it before, probably every time I meet with a bunch of people, I don't have time to pay attention at all. I nodded, Mu Zhenfei lit the cigarette, and a faint smell of tobacco filled the air. In fact, he was sitting a little far away from me, and he was still at my disadvantage.But the smell of tobacco makes me feel familiar and powerless, like sometimes waking up in the middle of the night, seeing the light occasionally, rubbing my eyes and pushing open the door of the study, I will see that Mo Shaoqian is still awake, concentrating on reading Computer, or something else I don't understand, he would occasionally hold a cigarette between his fingers, like coffee, to refresh himself. I was exhausted physically and mentally, so I asked Mu Zhenfei: "Can I lend you your shoulder to lean on?" He put out his cigarette and sat down next to me, and I relaxed on his shoulder.He said: "Don't cry, if you cry, I will charge you extra." I laughed, feeling that the friendship was indestructible, and I was glad that he knew that I didn't miss him.This night, I just want to find someone to rely on. Since I caught him casually, it is right for him to say something mean. There are very few stars in the sky. In such a heavily polluted city, the four corners of the sky at night are glowing red. This is the light pollution of the city. The stars become blurred and dull, one here and one here, like a Omitted sesame seeds. Mu Zhenfei asked me: "Why have you been so unhappy?" I grinned at him with bared teeth: "Is there?" He didn't look at me, but raised his head to look at the stars, and said flatly, "Even when you laugh, your eyes are sad." I got goosebumps all over my body, and grabbed his collar: "Boss, you are a top student in the Department of Automation, the future father of robots, the pride of the nation, the pillar of the motherland, and your school is self-improving and generous. You suddenly Literary cavity, I really think it's nasty, okay?" He finally glanced at me indifferently: "It's really nasty to have such a Taiwanese accent." I burst out laughing out loud, and smoothed his collar flat: "Hey, why don't you fall in love? If you are willing to fall in love, it will definitely make that girl very sad." He said: "Why do people have to be so sad? Isn't love supposed to make the other person happy?" I shook my head like a rattle: "You have to make her sad to the death, so that she will remember you all her life, remember you firmly, her teeth itch when she thinks of you, and her heart feels sore when she sees you. I feel that I have loved you for the rest of my life, how nice it is." Mu Zhenfei smiled, revealing his charming dimples: "If I really love someone, I will make her happy, I would rather be sad to death, and I would remember her all my life, and I would be ashamed when I think of her." Tickle, seeing her makes my heart sore, and I love her forever without knowing it." Where can I find such a man, I really want to cry. I grabbed Mu Zhenfei and said with a dead skin, "Then you just love me, please." Ya is really a person who has seen big scenes, she blocked my hand calmly, and said to me lightly: "Dream!" Yueying came back at ten o'clock in the evening. When she came back, I was still asleep, lying on the bed and reading the real English test.Yueying brought me back grilled chicken wings, and I got up to eat the grilled chicken wings as soon as I got up.As soon as I took a bite, I felt a pain rising from the tip of my tongue. It was so spicy, and the girl baked it for me was extra spicy. Seeing my tearful virtue, Yue Ying looked annoyed: "Cry, why don't you use this energy to cry?" I ate the chicken wings in silence. She poked my forehead fiercely with her finger: "Look at how promising you are, didn't you just bring a girlfriend? You almost fell apart!" I have never told her about me and Xiao Shan before, and I have never mentioned Xiao Shan's name in front of her.I don't know how she knew, but she babbled at me for a while: "Fortunately, there was no hole in the ground at that time. I guess you got into it. I really want to hand you a mirror so that you can see for yourself." Look at your ugly face. Either it’s a high school classmate, or it’s just bringing a flowery girlfriend, did you have a crush on him for many years, or did you have an affair with him back then, making you look like you’re out of your mind!” This girl really deserves to have read tens of thousands of novels, but she never thought that what happened to me tonight would have nothing to hide from her.I asked in embarrassment, "How did you find out?" "Bah! Even a blind person can tell that your hands are shaking, your face is pale, and your voice is wrong, as if you are forcing yourself to sing. You think you are Susan, and you can win international awards for acting casually?" I didn't even care that she compared me with Susan, I just wanted to fall on the bed and cry: "Is it so obvious? I thought I was very calm and rational." "It's so embarrassing, it's almost embarrassing to throw it at grandma's house." Yueying gritted her teeth, and she seemed to be sneering and angry: "If you really can't forget him, why didn't you snatch him back? Didn't you just learn foreign languages? Hmph, our school's admission score was 100 points higher than their school's transfer score! How could we lose in the hands of such a girl?" Where is this all? Love has nothing to do with college entrance examination scores, it has nothing to do with anything. For example, if I love Xiao Shan, that is only my own business, not related to Xiao Shan's business, let alone Lin Zixian's business. I continued to eat chicken wings, and Yueying continued to interrogate me, interrogating me about what happened back then. I couldn't handle it, so I hummed and told her simply: "We talked about it...were you young at that time...it was him I mentioned the breakup... I also think it's right to break up...we didn't get along well...we kept arguing...we both got tired of the quarrel...the first love so I couldn't let it go...I really don't love him anymore... Really... I swear in the name of the postgraduate entrance examination..." Yue Ying was furious, and slapped her on the table: "Fuck you! You don't love me anymore, you're going to die from my birthday? Don't bully me, I can't remember, just He went that night too, right?" Yue Ying was really angry, she would only swear when she was really angry, she usually acted like a dog and pretended to be a lady, just like me, only when she was really angry would she greet Mo Shaoqian's eighteen generations of ancestors in her heart.I finished eating the chicken wings, and said calmly: "You are right, but I have no fate with him. Really, we couldn't get along. Think about it now, he has a girlfriend, and I also have a boyfriend." My friend, everyone is safe and sound, it’s good to leave a thought. In ten or eight years, I may miss him even more. After all, it was my first love. At that time, I might get married early, and maybe even have children. Now, I have to hug my little daughter and tell her, your mother’s first love was so handsome. She was 185 in high school... Tall and handsome... Your math scores are good... English is also good... You can play basketball and Can sing Jay Chou... If Jay Chou had changed and stopped singing at that time, what should our daughter do if he doesn't know who he is..." Yueying listened to my heartless nonsense, she suddenly stopped being angry, and just sat there, sighing slowly, as if she was coaxed by me. In fact, I often coax myself like this, and it’s over, and I forget about it, I just need to bear it... bear it... just like when I suddenly heard the bad news about my parents, I cried again and again in the middle of the night Wake up, but in front of people during the day, I have to bear it, no matter how sad I am, I have to bear it, Mom and Dad will not come back, no matter how sad I am, I can only bear it myself.No one knows what I have suffered, I lie to myself over and over again, I have to bear it, I have to bear it...so I can bear it no matter how hard it is, how bad it can be, the worst Things have already happened. Yi Shu said that if you can't bear it, you can bear it from the beginning.If I couldn't bear it, I would not be alive today. If I couldn't bear it, I would have died three years ago. I guess it was the look in my eyes that frightened Yue Ying. In those days long ago, when I looked in the mirror, I was usually startled by the panic in my eyes. Maybe now I have that look in my eyes again, so She suddenly reached out and hugged me, and said to me: "Tong Xue, if you feel uncomfortable, why don't you cry, huh? Cry." Instead, I grinned at her and smiled: "I'm not uncomfortable, really." She patted my vest hard: "It's really uncomfortable for you to be like this, it makes me feel uncomfortable, disgusting!"