Chapter 12 willing to go to hell

Qin Guitian's death made me suddenly have great doubts about life. If it can disappear so easily and completely, then how has it ever really come?As far as death is concerned, what is the essential difference between whether he was a third person or a demon in his lifetime?What does people's abuse and praise have to do with him? Where was I before I was born?Where will I go after I die?A life is like a flower that blooms in time, but is it the wind that blows the buds, or does the blooming of the flowers release the wind? I don’t know what flowers know, but I can’t remember any details before the age of three. At that time, I was already a living person, and I would cry when I was hungry and laugh when I was full, but I have no memory. Produced by what?Where did it reside before it was born?Is it temporarily kept by my parents like knowledge, and it will be continuously poured into my mind in the future?So after I die, who are these knowledge and ideas returned to?They exist without any specific form, nor should they disappear because of the demise of a specific form.They should still exist in the air, looking for another carrier somewhere.

The big issue of life and death entangled me so much that I had a splitting headache. I wished I could reach out a hand from my mind to straighten out my thoughts, brush away the thick smoke and mist, let me see the truth of the case clearly, and return Song Ci and Yuan Ge to innocence. .In Beijing, I only had these two friends, and now they were suddenly arrested at the same time, and there was nothing I could do to help them.In particular, their detention was related to me because of my jade. The three of us seemed to be imprisoned by an invisible spell. An ancient game that has been popular for centuries was forcing us into the trap, making us fall into a trap without knowing it, and we were exhausted.

Now, someone has finally paid the price with their lives for this, but the game is not over yet, so we can only be driven by the rules of the game that we don't understand, and we can't release it. Their simultaneous misfortune made me more and more convinced that everything was related to hatred and our karma in previous lives.I can't just sit back and watch what happens to them.But what should I do?what to do? I hugged my head and groaned in pain.In this most confused and helpless mood, my only thought is to see Zhang Chu. I want to see Zhang Chu, desperately want to see him before the pain and troubles swallow me up.

However, I don't know how to find him, should I call him?date him?No, I dare not.I'm afraid of being underestimated by him.He has already rejected me, how can I ask him again? I came to the bus stop in front of his school. I know that he takes this bus to and from get off work every day, and I also know that he has a class this afternoon. I believe that as long as I wait here, I will definitely see him.Regardless of whether the sky is falling or the earth is falling, I just want to see him again. It was time for him to get off work, but he didn't show up. I waited there, willing to turn myself into a pillar of salt looking back, as long as I could wait for him.

Wait until the end of time! Time passed by every minute and every second, the sky gradually darkened, and the flow of people changed from dense to sparse, until every time the bus arrived at the station, only a few people got on and off, and there was still no sign of Zhang Chu. I lingered at the bus station, filled with hopeless loneliness.The voice of his lecture rang in my ears again: "The ancient Chinese myths are all very lonely stories, with a kind of tragic spirit, like Kuafu chasing the sun, like Nuwa mending the sky, like Chang'e flying to the moon, like Jingwei filling the sea , full of loneliness..."

Kuafu can't catch up with his sun, and Jingwei can't level the bottomless sea. Will I never be able to wait for Zhang Chu?Is this God's punishment for me?Punish me for falling in love with someone who cannot be loved? Disappointment and inferiority flooded me like a tide. Song Ci and Yuan Ge were interrogated in the police station, while I was judged by my own heart. The neon lights gradually turned on, and the last train passed by. I don't know how long I have been waiting, it must be as long as a century, right? Qin Guitian died, Song Ci and Yuan Ge were detained, no one could help me or comfort me.In this vast world, I am so small and lonely, and because of Zhang Chu's neglect, this smallness hurts me even more.

My limbs were stiff, and every step I took made a "clack" sound. I walked into an alley in a daze, and a few hooligans were sitting under the street lamp playing poker. I can't hear or see, I walked towards them without fear, let me destroy, let that pure love-filled fantasy Tang poetry disappear from now on!Let me never really exist in this world. The road was blocked, and there was a giggle in my ears: "Miss, let's play together?" I looked up blankly and looked at the obscenely smiling faces.A Wenqing's hand grabbed my arm: "Girl, come here." The consciousness came back to my mind, I became scared, pushed the person in front of me and ran back, but the bag was caught by someone Then, I fell into the arms of a hooligan, and in a whirl, countless smiling faces swooped down on me.

"Ah!" I couldn't bear it anymore, and screamed loudly, and Ah Fei who was catching me was startled, "What are you shouting for? You want to call the police? Shut up!" "I'm sorry, I'm late." At this time I heard Zhang Chu's voice descending from the sky, as if he suddenly appeared from the ground, he pulled me by with one hand and said to those A Fei: "She is my girlfriend, we have an appointment Wait for me here. Do you know her?" "I don't know. It's your girlfriend, you can take it away. Don't let her out to wander around and seduce people to commit crimes?" Ah Fei and the others were joking and talking salty words, but Zhang Chu didn't make a sound, and pulled me away.

I followed him blankly, my mind was in a mess, too many things happened this day, and I waited too long, I was already numb, and I was a little bit overwhelmed by the shock just now. Until I sat down in the cafe, I still didn't figure out what happened. He lit a cigarette and smoked it silently, without saying a word. Then, I gradually woke up and sorted out my thoughts.There's no reason why he would show up in such a timely manner like a prophet, who just fell from the sky when I was being molested by a hooligan. He must have spotted me long ago. He found out when I was waiting for him on the platform, but he didn't show up on purpose. Watching me from afar.In this way, I should thank those hooligans.

I sighed softly and asked in a low voice: "If it weren't for those hooligans, even if I waited until dawn, you wouldn't come out to see me, would you?" He looked at me without saying a word. I asked him again: "Am I really, that annoying to you?" He shook his head, his eyes were painful, and the veins on his forehead were bruised, but he still didn't speak. I can't bear to see him in pain, and I don't want to force him anymore.It's all my fault, it's because I didn't live up to it, it's because I didn't hold back, I should completely disappear from his presence.

No matter how strong my heart is, I can't stand that kind of rubbing again and again. What tortured me was not only bitter love, but also the humiliation brought about by challenging morality.I held back the tears that came up wildly, and said in a low voice quickly: "I understand, Zhang Chu, I'm sorry, don't worry, I will never pester you again in the future." I stood up, and I didn't delay for a minute , turned around and left. He didn't keep me. How can he keep me?His wife is pregnant, and he cannot have both sexes at this time.He is just, and he is responsible to his conscience. But what about my heart?My heart aches so deep and so intensely, am I just waiting for it to shatter completely? After getting into the taxi, I had already walked a long way, but I regretted it again.This will probably be the last time we meet. In the future, unless we plan carefully, I'm afraid we will never see him again.Did you break up like this? No, no, I want to take another look at him, even if it's just the back view, just one look. I told the driver to turn around and drive back to the café.Maybe he's gone, maybe he's still there, but I've got to try. This time, I noticed that the sign of the cafe was called "Old Stories".Old stories, what kind of stories are they? At the entrance of the alley, where the few hooligans were playing cards just now, there were people forming a circle and shouting something loudly.My heart was moved, and I quickly asked the driver to stop the car, settled the fare and squeezed into the crowd. It's Zhang Chu!It was Zhang Chu!After I left, he went back to the alley and started a fight with those hooligans.Tears welled up all at once, and at this moment, I clearly realized how much Zhang Chu loved me, and how strong his pain was, so strong that I couldn't restrain myself, and wanted to use a fight to vent and punish myself. The crowd was shouting and excited inexplicably. Zhang Chu was very skilled. When he was fighting, he didn't look like a college teacher at all. That childhood Zhang Guoli reappeared in front of me, yes, at this moment, he was no longer Zhang Chu, but Zhang Guoli in my life.That Zhang Guoli who led me to beat all the enemies who bullied me, his childish voice rang in my ears again: "Listen, whoever dares to bully the girl in the future, I will beat him!" How heroic, capable, innocent and straightforward he was at that time, now, he is back again! In the distance, there was the sound of a police car honking. Has anyone called 110?I suddenly woke up from my childhood memories, rushed into the crowd, grabbed Zhang Chu and shouted: "The police are here, run!" Just like what is often performed in Hong Kong movies, the two of us held hands and ran wildly, weaving left and right in the small alleys, and quickly got into the crowd and escaped.When we were sure that we were absolutely safe, we stopped and looked at each other and laughed, and ran hard to wipe away the depression just now. I gasped and said, "I swear, I have never run so fast Pass." "I also swear, you have never been chased by the police." Zhang Chu smiled, "If you were photographed by a reporter, you might be able to make headlines." At this time, I noticed that there was a bruise on his face, and I couldn't help stretching out my hand, covering it lightly, and asked him, "Does it hurt?" He grabbed my hand, squeezed it tightly, but soon let go, turned his head and said, "It's okay... Tang Shi, I'll take you back." "Zhang Chu..." My voice choked up, "I didn't expect you to fight with others." "You know now? In fact, sometimes I am very barbaric, not the gentle person you imagined." He smiled self-deprecatingly, "I let you down, didn't I?" disappointment?I looked at him, didn't he know that doing this would only make me love him more?I love his gentleness, but also his savagery. I wish he wasn't so nice, I wish he let me down, but, day by day, I love him more. I lowered my head and saw a drop of water suddenly falling on the floor tiles, and then another drop.Only then did I realize that I was crying.Oh, I’m crying again. I am a worthless person. It seems that since I met Zhang Chu again, I can only cry endlessly. Seeing my tears, Zhang Chu suddenly collapsed: "Tang Shi, don't cry. Girl, don't cry, okay?" A "girl" made me even more difficult to hold back. I threw myself into his arms and cried out, "Zhang Chu, what should I do? What should I do? I can't stop loving you, there's no way I can't stop loving you." I looked at him and looked at the god in my heart: "Zhang Chu, I know I'm wrong, and I shouldn't pester you anymore. The only thing I did wrong was to fall in love with you again and again. But, Is there any reason not to love you? You are so knowledgeable, intelligent, enthusiastic, sincere, and full of trust and kindness to people. You like this, appearing in front of me again and again, seem to be doomed. Zhang Chu, it’s not that I want to love you, Rather, I can't not love you, I have no reason not to love you." "Just like, I have no reason not to love you." He whispered, using all his strength to hug me tightly, in my arms Desperately whispered in his ear, "Tang Shi, believe me, my pain is absolutely no less than yours. You are so beautiful, kind, infatuated and upright, how could I not love you? That time, in the hospital, I Watching you every day, feeling so distressed that I want to go crazy, I want to rush in several times and tell you loudly that I love you. But, I have no qualifications, no position to love you, I am a married man, and my wife, Pregnant. Such a man should go to hell!" "No, no, no!" I yelled in confusion, "I don't want you to cheat on your wife, I won't ask you for a divorce, you can still be a good husband, a good father, I just want you to know, I love you, that's enough; and if, if you can also fall in love with me, it will be my greatest happiness. I don't ask for status, I just want to be with you!" "It's impossible!" Zhang Chu closed his eyes, and I saw tears flowing from his closed eyes. He was right. His pain was no less than mine. For me, there are also conscience remorse and moral whipping. "I can't love you without giving you a future, I can't love two women and hurt two women at the same time. I have to choose one!" "So, you chose her and gave up on me, didn't you?" I asked bitterly. He looked at me, his eyes were so painful that he wanted to bleed: "I have already made a choice, haven't I? Long before I met you again, I was married, and I have made a choice with my marriage. I have no reason to choose again." Second time, isn't it?!" "No!" I shouted, "That's not a choice. You didn't find me at that time, you just met her first, but now I'm here, and now you have to choose again..." "So, how do you let me choose? Abandon her? Abandon a mother of my child who has no fault?!" Zhang Chu’s words stopped me, no, it’s not my intention to hurt others, especially hurting a woman who is also infatuated and kind. I love Zhang Chu, I should love Zhang Chu’s love, and love everyone who loves Zhang Chu as much as I do , instead of treating myself as their enemy, that not only hurts the other party, but also hurts Zhang Chu, and thus hurts myself more deeply.No, I can't, I can't be that selfish and cruel.But, but I love Zhang Chu, what should I do? I covered my face and cried bitterly: "Zhang Chu, let me forget you, why can't you be a little bit worse? Don't be so good, so kind, so upright, so... let me love you desperately!" We hugged tightly again and wept together.Why can't the world collapse at this moment and let me die in the arms of my lover? At that moment, I said to myself again that I should leave Zhang Chu, but when I said this to myself, it seemed that a sword pierced deeply into my heart, and it was constantly rolling and twisting, letting me know No pain in the world can compare with the pain of leaving Zhang Chu. Compared with loving him, all principles, pride, morality and status are insignificant. Suddenly, my mind became clear, and I saw myself and his love clearly.I raised my head, snuggled into his arms, and swore word by word: "Zhang Chu, I love you without any conditions. I don't expect you to treat me better than your wife, even as a concubine. Dare not ask, I will not hinder you from being a good husband, good father, I just want you to allow me to love you. Because, whether you allow it or not, I will always love you! " "Tang poetry!" Zhang Chu cried out in a low voice, and suddenly hugged me in his arms. He kissed me in tears, entangled in love and guilt, and uttered the most painful words from the bottom of his heart. Wailing: "Tang Shi, I love you, let us go to hell!" Yes, let's go to hell!Let me never be reincarnated!Let me go up the knife mountain and down the oil pan, and be cut into thousands of pieces by the guillotine, and there is still love for him in a piece of debris!