Chapter 4 Scarred West Street

On the plane back, I told Delle about my dream. "I always thought your grandparents were hiding something when they told the story. I really want to know the whole story." Dai Er said: "I think so too, I just don't know who to ask to know the details." "When you ask, don't forget to tell me as soon as possible." "of course." After a while, Dai'er sighed: "I long for such a love." "What kind? Is it your grandfather's unforgettable love for Miss Chen, or your little grandmother's love for your grandfather without complaint or regret?"

"I long for them all. Because they are all so strong, shocking, lingering, and painful." "Pain? You mean you want pain?" "Yes." Dai'er looked at me and said earnestly, "When I was young, I had a puppy, a white dog with long hair, and its barking was similar to that of a cat. It was very small, and I hugged it. When I went home, it was just out of the moon, and the road was not stable. I could hold it whole with one hand, and I fed it milk, noodle soup, chewed bones and mixed it with rice, and fed it every day. It took a bath and held it even when it was sleeping. Once it fell ill and was so sick that even the doctors in the pet hospital were unwilling to waste needles and medicines for it. I held it all night and cried again and again. At that moment I'm terrified, I'm so afraid that it will die and leave me. I've put too much affection into it and can't bear to lose it anymore. It's like a part of myself, and when it dies, I'm not whole anymore Yes. Yan'er, do you understand that feeling?"

"I understand. But I don't understand what exactly you're trying to say?" "I want to say that from that time on, I knew that love is painful. If you have never paid and been sad, you will not understand the value of love. The little prince said, when you water a rose, it will It's different. Love is like this, you have to do something about it, it's yours. I long for the day when I'll meet someone who can make me not only happy but also miserable He has to make me cry for him, sad, and in pain. Only then will I fall in love with him and give him my whole heart."

I looked at Del, and her eyes were full of longing for love, the lack and longing of a whale swimming in a goldfish bowl. It's not that she doesn't have love, she's just dissatisfied with the love she gets. She wants more. She wants the whole sea. Although it may be full of wind and waves, it is the sea after all. Dai'er looked at me with such longing eyes and said, "Yan'er, do you think I will meet such a love?" To be honest, I don’t agree with her unique theory of pain in love, but I don’t want to spoil her interest. The strange brilliance in her eyes made me nod and agree: “Yes, definitely. As long as you set your mind to find it, you will always find it.” will find the rose worthy of your watering."

"Then why haven't I met him yet?" "There will always be, maybe tomorrow, when I turned around and bumped into a pair of eyes, it made my heart hurt slightly." I cupped my hands in front of my chest, pretending to be desperate, "Oh, it's him, it's him." The two laughed happily, causing other passengers to look back. The fellow group members said enviously: "It's good to be young, to be happy in everything you do." Dai'er made a grimace: "But I still have to deal with homework and broken love. What I envy most is a baby, who only knows how to eat and sleep together, so that he is really carefree."

I interface: "But the baby suffers from being unable to express his will, so it may not be without pain. Maybe the baby will envy the unborn floating ions." "Ion, if you know, who should you envy?" The group members were taken aback by what we said, and we couldn't help but looked at each other and laughed again. Back in Beijing, I saw Allen standing guard at the door of the dormitory holding a large bunch of carnations. Dai'er regarded him as transparent, and walked past him without turning the corner of her eyes. I couldn't bear it, so I bit the bullet and stepped forward to say "hey".

Allen looked at Dai'er's back in a daze, "She doesn't forgive me." "Ignore her, she's in menopause." There was a wry smile on the corner of Allen's mouth: "Tang Yan, why doesn't Dai'er have your gentle temperament?" "That's because I don't have Del's beautiful face. Allen stared at me: "Tang Yan, don't you know your beauty?" I hold the corner of my mouth.Whether I know anything or not, when Dai'er and I are walking side by side, I just need to see who the passers-by are looking at. "Do you want me to send a message to Dai'er for you?"

Allen lowered his head: "I'm not here today to make amends. I just want to explain that this time it was a misunderstanding. I've been nervous recently and have been suffering from insomnia. I need to rely on sleeping pills to help me sleep, so I took a few more in a daze..." I don't know if his words are true or not, but I already laughed out of my heart: "So that's the case, just say it, so as not to embarrass everyone." What does it matter if it is true or false?As long as the parties deny it, it is false.The most important thing is for everyone to save face.

After that incident, Dai'er restrained herself a lot, even her dress was no more revealing than before, and she became a lady.However, no matter how ordinary clothes are worn on her body, there is a special style. One day, Dai Er wore a half-sleeved emerald green shirt, narrow-leg cropped trousers of the same material, and lace was densely embroidered on the cuffs and trousers. Her usually long hair was combed into two braids today In front of the chest, there is still a green ribbon bow at the end of the braid. It is as beautiful as if it just walked out of an old painting in the Republic of China. Even the old professor of ancient literature was provoked to lift it from the lecture notes eye-catching.

I couldn't help sighing: "Daier, if I were a man, I would really be fascinated by beauty." How dare you scold those men who are infatuated with Dai'er for being superficial?In the face of beauty, who is the deep wise man? Dai'er said: "Grandpa said that I look like grandma. If he saw me dressed up like this, he would say that I look more like me, right?" I asked, "Have you ever inquired about Miss Chen again?" "I asked, but no one knows. You know that my parents' generation is very different from the previous generation. It's better for me to have a chat with them. Besides, my grandfather went to Hong Kong early, and no one knows their stories. .”

I sigh.Somehow, ever since I came into contact with the old story half a century ago in the small building, I can't let it go. I began to often have the same dream. In the dream, a woman in white was holding a baby in her arms and wanted to tell me something, as if she wanted to entrust me with something.However, I still couldn't see her face clearly, let alone hear what she said.Every time I wake up from a dream, I always feel very tired, as if I ran eight kilometers in the night. I complained to Dai'er: "If you can't solve the mystery, I'm afraid I will have to live in your ancestor's nightmare for the rest of my life." Dai'er didn't believe it: "If my ancestor really entrusted the dream, it should be entrusted to me. Why are you talking to me?" Dai'er was suddenly obsessed with computers, and refused all suitors to come to her door. After class, she hid in the electrical room with her computer card and became a net bug. She became silent, more melancholy, and her big eyes became more and more black as stars. At first I thought all these changes were for Allen, but soon I found out that I was wrong. In the evening, when it was rainy outside the window, Daier read aloud Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tale "The Snowman" in the dormitory: "Snowman saw the stove, the bright flame is the symbol of love, no pair of eyes are brighter than it, no smile is warmer than it, it illuminates the snowman's heart, so that heart becomes Soft and painful to the touch, it feels an emotion that it has never felt before, it does not understand, but everyone else, as long as it is not made of snow, will understand." Dai'er raised her head and asked me, "Yan'er, do you understand?" "Understood. Be careful of fire, stay away from danger." Dai'er didn't smile, but suddenly asked without thinking: "Yan'er, if I want to go to work in Xi'an, will you help me set up a line?" "Going to Xi'an? Why?" I stopped writing in surprise. The graduation exam is coming soon. I have been excellent for years, but I don't want to lose my time at the last moment.But Dai'er's proposal was too outlandish. I knew her parents had already planned for her to go abroad as soon as she graduated. How could she suddenly think of going to Xi'an? I couldn't help listening to my friend's new plan. "Because Ziqi doesn't want to come to the south." Dai'er lowered her head and said, "He said his parents are both in Shaanxi, so it's inconvenient to stay away." "Ziqi? Who is Ziqi?" "Ziqi is Ziqi." Dai'er scolded me, "It was you who helped me lead the thread, why did I forget." I thought for a long time before I remembered the encounter at the coffee shop in Hong Kong, and suddenly realized, "It's him, you guys got in touch later?" "I have been in correspondence with him." Only then did I know that Dai'er went to the computer room every day to chat with Gao Ziqi online. "It turns out that there is such a thing as love at first sight in the world." Dai'er lowered her head: "Before I met him, I didn't know that love was like this." She said it so tenderly and tenderly, I couldn't help but get serious. "So, what stage is it now? Is there any talk of marriage?" "No." Dai'er's eyes were unexpectedly a little melancholy, she said with a little hesitation, "I have decided to go to Xi'an to find him, I want to see him every day, can you help me?" "But, will your parents agree? Didn't you plan to go abroad as soon as you graduated?" "So I don't know Ziqi." "So, your future will be rewritten for Ziqi?" "My whole life will be changed for him." Dai'er said firmly, "The love between a man and a woman is a war. Whoever falls in love first will lose. I lost, and I am willing!" "I do", this is like the vow that the newlyweds will forever be united in front of the godfather.I was surprised that Dai'er was serious this time.The flames in her eyes were hot and determined, and there was a burning gesture, which made me faintly uneasy.But I am very happy to think that I can still see my friends day and night after graduation. And just as Dai'er said, the matter between her and Ziqi was facilitated by me alone, if the two of them missed each other, it would be disappointing my painstaking efforts, so it was my duty to agree. Back in Xi'an, I immediately started looking for jobs for myself and Dai'er. My father said: "Actually, why bother to apply everywhere? Tang Yu's place is short of manpower. Wouldn't it be a good idea for you two to go there and help?" But I don't want to continue to rely on the Tang family, and I only agree to introduce Dai'er to my brother as a secretary. My brother was reluctant at first because he was afraid that the college students who had just graduated had no experience, but when he saw Dai'er's photo, he immediately agreed with a smile on his face. The reason was simple, "With Dai'er's face, she doesn't need any experience. There is nothing better than a couple of smiles when I meet clients with me." The matter was settled in this way, and it was agreed that Dai'er would come to Xi'an to take office after the "11th". And my own work is still missing. The original ideal was to get admitted to an advertising company to show off my skills, to bring out the highest value of my literary talents, to turn a stone into gold. But for some reason, I applied for copywriting creativity, but the examiners all lobbied me to do business contracting. I could not understand.Tang Yu said, "Stupid, isn't this obvious? Now that the advertising company is in a recession, the biggest shortage is the amount of advertising. There is no order. What's the point of copywriting ideas?" When I was persuaded by the examiner seven or eight times to change to business contracting, I finally broke out: "Excuse me, teacher, why do you think I should not apply for copywriting?" The chief examiner was a young man with a white face and beardless, and immediately replied softly: "Miss Tang, you are eloquent and you are the most suitable for public relations. Why don't you want to try?" I raised my head and asked, "Mr. Examiner, you are young and unrestrained, why don't you... give it a try?" I'm talking about the name of a famous local "duck bar".After all, without waiting for the other party to react, hurry up and run away with thirty-six tactics. So I no longer expect to become an advertising master and create miracles one day, but I also refuse to find a job as a clerk in a general business company.After spending more than a month, I finally applied to a magazine and got a job as a trainee reporter. The monthly salary was 300 yuan, but I had to clock in four times a day. People say that time is life, but the lives of journalists are so worthless. Tang Yu made fun of it: "It turns out that you worked so hard to abandon business and seek literature, just to explain that the difference between business and literature is not to make money." I argued strongly: "It's not that I don't make money, it's that I don't mention money." Anyway, if there is no money, what is the use of bringing it? I was used to a free life in college, and I could no longer bear the feeling of being dependent on others. The first thing I did after I found a job was to ask my parents to rent a house and live separately under the pretext of staying with Daier. My mother was quite unhappy at first, but seeing that I was determined, it was fine. On the day of the move, I invited my parents to have a meal, and solemnly stated that just because I moved out of the Tang family, it did not mean that I would forget them. In this life, they are my closest parents. Naturally, Tang Yu saw me off again after the meal, but this time it was more thorough and sent me, including my luggage, to my new home on West Street. West Street is an old street. old and poor.His face was weathered and his clothes were ragged. The road surface is all patched, and at a distance of more than ten steps, you can see five or six kinds of bricks and stones repaired at different times.The house is only two stories high, and the street lights are dim, and they can only see a few steps away. It is said to be a "new residence", but for a "novice" like me, in fact, the house may be half a hundred years old. But the rent is surprisingly low.This advantage outweighs the other ten disadvantages. It's just that Dai'er has been wronged, such a brilliant person wants to live in such a gloomy place. In the second week of living here, my father came to visit unexpectedly. Fortunately, I just prepared a few necessities for life the day before, so I boiled water to make tea, and cooked a few side dishes, so I wasn't too negligent. The father sighed: "Yan'er, you have grown up." After a pause, he asked again: "Have you thought about starting to look for your biological parents?" I replied immediately: "You are my real father. I don't have to look for another father." Father stopped talking. I know that they are still worried about my move, and their words are becoming more and more cautious. In fact, many biological children move out and live apart from their parents after working, but they don't have to worry about my worries. After dinner, I accompanied my father for a walk along West Street. The streets are very dilapidated, and many old houses have been demolished, but they have not been demolished cleanly, revealing the internal organs of reinforced concrete, which is very strange.Most of the shops are deserted, with a few outdated products scattered here and there, no one cares about whether they can be sold or not.The display window was also sloppy, the simulation mannequin was stripped of its clothes, naked without dignity, its arms and legs were bruised and purple, and the screws connecting the wrist and arm were a little loose, revealing black rust, it was a shocking feeling to watch. The whole road is full of scars. The trees on the side of the road are also old, and the same color of Chinese locust trees has long been covered with green shade. They greet each other from a distance on both sides of the road, getting closer and closer, almost connecting together, covering the entire sky.There is a tree with a large circle strangely swollen from the middle, which is in the shape of a ball, twice as thick as itself. The father said that it was the tree that was hurting.For example, if a tree is strangled with a wire when it is young, it will continue to secrete sap from the wound, and it will gradually thicken day by day. A scene suddenly appeared in front of my eyes: the tree had grown a tongue, soft, wet, shy and painful, and Yu Jingye quietly spit it out, again and again, licking his own wounds.The wound scabbed and gradually healed, but left a scar, which strengthened day by day, and finally became what it is today. Trees also have memory. I can't help but bow my head. My father said: "In fact, West Street was once very prominent in history. During the Sui and Tang Dynasties, this generation was located in the center of the imperial city. West Street was the fourth horizontal street in the imperial city. The Bell and Drum Towers were all on this street. Song, Yuan , Ming, and Qing Dynasties, the government offices of all dynasties were concentrated here, so it is worthy of the name, and it is also called "Command Street". It is a pity that the city center moved eastward, and it was originally located in the Yingxiangguan area of ​​Guangji Street. The bell tower was moved away. The strange thing is that after the bell tower was moved, the Jingyun bell on the original bell tower could no longer ring, and West Street has been declining year by year.” Father recited the poem again, "In the old days, the swallows in front of Wang Xietang flew into the homes of ordinary people." When he recited poems, his eyes looked at me.I knew he was thinking about my life experience again, and suddenly, I felt much closer to West Street.Sui and Tang Dynasties, Imperial City, Fourth Street...these names all sound familiar and friendly.Maybe, I will really have an adventure on West Street to solve the mystery of my origin, right? After seeing off my father for a long time, I still feel like my heart is falling.The tree always comes to mind. Childhood injuries are internal injuries, which cannot be healed even after a lifetime. I, like a tree, cannot forget. On the day Dai'er came to Xi'an, my brother and I went to the train station to pick up the train. On the platform, we saw a well-dressed Gao Ziqi. Although we had only met once before and we hadn't seen each other for years, I recognized him immediately After all, there are not many men who are as handsome and refreshing as him. What's rare is that Gao Ziqi still remembered me, and greeted me with a smile on his face: "Miss Tang, long time no see." I introduced him and my brother, emphatically saying, "Gao Ziqi, Dai'er's boyfriend." Ziqi smiled, but his brother froze. At this time the car had pulled into the station, Ziqi trotted two steps to catch up, his brother complained softly: "You didn't say that Dai'er already has a boyfriend." I pretended to be puzzled: "Does this have something to do with applying for a secretary?" With the sound of "Kongtong", the train came to a complete stop, and Dai'er appeared at the door of the train. When she saw Ziqi, she jumped out of the train with a cheer, and the two kissed openly in front of the eyes of the world with different expressions. The elder brother blushed with jealousy, and resentfully said: "Pornographic men and women!" I smiled: "It should be said that people are gentle." I stepped forward and patted Dai'er on the shoulder, "Hey, can you save some saliva and talk?" Only then did Dai'er notice my existence, she made a fuss and cheered again, and came up to give me a big hug. I smiled and pushed her away, "Go, go, have enough intimacy with your boyfriend, it's not rare to give the remaining enthusiasm to me." I dragged my brother, "This is Tang Yu, your future boss." Tang Yu didn't have the opportunity to be courteous anyway, so he simply put on a straight face and did his due role as a boss, bowed slightly, and said solemnly, "Welcome Ms. Chen to join our company." Dai'er narrowed her eyes and smiled: "I never thought I would have such a young and handsome boss." My brother couldn't help but froze again. Then the four of us went to Shangri-La to have a buffet, and we agreed to treat Tang Yu, but Gao Ziqi went to the counter to pay the bill without making a sound. I liked him even more, and praised him: "This is the gentleman's demeanor." Tang Yu was still inexplicably jealous, "It's just a good mouth and hard work, the occupational disease of the tour guide. It's really strange why women like cheesy faces." I laughed: "It's so jealous for no reason. Brother, don't you have a girlfriend?" "Blow." "Why? I heard that she is in good condition, and she is some kind of manager." "Mom doesn't like strong women, saying that she is more like a man than me. If I marry her, I will not have a good life in the future." Tang Yu said angrily: "Look, next time I will find a woman among women." , the kind with big breasts and no brains, a piece of blank paper, paint as I please." I laugh out loud. After this battle, Tang Yu no longer has any time to think about Dai'er, and frankly only treats her as a female secretary.On the contrary, Dai'er was surprised and said to me: "It's rare to have such a gentleman in front of me. Everyone in your Tang family is extraordinary." I laughed: "Scholars from the south and generals from the north buried the emperor in the loess of Shaanxi. There are so many emperors buried under the ground in Xi'an, how can the people they nurtured not have a bit of royal style?" Later, when I relayed these words to my elder brother, Tang Yu was proud and became more reserved from then on. Tang Yu's leather bag company originally originated from my fifteen gold bracelets.Now that the three-year period has passed, Tang Yu has never mentioned the matter of redemption. I know that things have changed, so I have no choice but to not ask a word.It’s rare that the company is getting bigger and bigger. I visited it in my free time. I rented a small suite in the office building. The fax computer is still complete. The bookcase is full of business books with gilded covers. It seems that it is still used for decoration, but it is finally on the track, and my bracelet is not in vain. In the blink of an eye, Dai'er is already very familiar with the position of secretary. Although she may not be very good, she is more than competent.It's just that she doesn't seem very happy, she often looks in a trance, and she always likes to read those fairy tales with sad and beautiful endings, such as "Little Ida's Flowers", which makes it a little miserable and sad. .Maybe, people who throw themselves into the river of love are like this, right?However, this did not detract from her beauty at all, but added a bit of calmness. In our free time, we still like to visit antique markets, such as Shuyuanmen, Beiyuanmen, Baxian Temple, Huajue Lane, and Shuyuanmen is our favorite. Walk all the way from West Street to the Bell Tower, turn south, and you can see the gate of the Academy.It really has a sense of surprise: there is a memorial archway across the intersection, which is antique, gorgeous and elegant, and clearly reminds you that this is a rare old street with a long history and beautiful legends. Once you lower your head and step under this archway, it is as if you are on a time spaceship in an instant, flying from the millennium to the prosperity of the Ming Dynasty. The biggest feature of this street is its "ancient charm". The small shops on both sides are antique buildings with high roofs, carved beams and painted buildings, simple and elegant, usually two-story buildings, the downstairs is the storefront, the upstairs has intarsia grids, and the top is still There are cornices and corners, and in some corners squatting animal heads, like a temple.The names are often called "Ge", "Xuan", "Lower", and "Zhai". When you read it, you have a feeling of mouth-watering, and they are often written by famous writers, such as Liu Wenxi, Wu Sansan, and Zhao Puchu.Most of the items sold in the shop are the Four Treasures of the Study, antique jade and the like. Every time Dai'er goes shopping, she spends half a day deliberately dressing herself as a girl in ancient costume, so as to match the charm of the street.Seeing her wearing a long skirt, wooden clogs, and holding a bamboo bone paper umbrella meandering along the small road paved with bluestone slabs, and Shi Shiran walking into the ancient times, it is like seeing a picture of an ancient lady who can move. Figure; but once he stopped to buy something, he immediately returned to the true colors of city people, sharp and sharp, bargaining, and killing and fighting, absolutely unambiguous.Almost every time I find something new, sometimes it is a pure jade hibiscus bracelet, sometimes it is a set of rare shadow puppetry, sometimes it is simply an incense fan and a few paper-cuts. There are quite a few old buildings like this in Xi'an, South Street, Yanta South Road, and Beiyuanmen, all of which are better, but they are not as authentic as the Shuyuanmen.It's a pity that future generations don't know how to maintain and preserve it. The narrow streets are already crowded with pedestrians, and vehicles have to be trampled on them.The old Hanqing bricks were pulled out, and cement was poured in, making it completely unrecognizable and losing its authentic flavor. Dai'er was very annoyed by this, and complained: I really don't understand why those bricks stayed here well, why did they dig them out, and where did they go.Is it going to be sent to a museum for an exhibition?Or throw it in some darkened warehouse to rot in the name of protection?I dare say that if the blue bricks had spirit, knew how to speak, and fought for power for their own interests, they would definitely say that we would rather stay at the gate of the academy and be trampled on by others, because this is our responsibility and our position. They encouraged me again: stop interviewing those whose wife is having an affair, which celebrity is gay, and other boring privacy, why not write an article to appeal to everyone, so that everyone can care about the maintenance and reconstruction of ancient cultural relics, which can be regarded as an article to convey the truth. I can't help but feel ashamed.After changing from a trainee reporter to a full-time job, my income has increased significantly. Although the salary is still 300, but with the addition of editing fees, I get paid according to the page, more work, more pay, more than enough to meet daily expenses.In addition to occasionally writing small manuscripts and submitting them to other magazines, the income is quite considerable.But as my writing became more and more fast, the taste of my articles became lower and lower. In Dai'er's words, it was: poaching other people's corners for my own profit. But there is no way. For some reason, a so-called documentary style is prevalent in the periodical circle nowadays, and all major newspapers and periodicals are searching for anecdotes about cases.It is incest.The ancients said: A gentleman does not drink the water from the stolen spring, and even the water source with the word "robbed spring" is considered unclean, and he will die of thirst and refuse to drink it.Now people's hearts are not ancient, I was a literati in vain, and when I met a robbery spring, I didn't just drink water, it was as sweet as sweets, which is really short-sighted. Now I was provoked by Dai'er's words, so I geared up and said hesitantly: "Okay, I will start writing tonight and write a tear-jerking draft. I will use the sensational energy of Chinese people to bid for the Olympic Games, so that I will let everyone know." People were heartbroken when they saw it, and they wished to immediately take out money to donate to rebuild.Don't tell you to underestimate my kitsch. In the evening, I turned on the lights to fight at night, checked a lot of information, added and deleted several times, and talked a lot.He also specifically cited the example of the Town God's Temple on West Street as evidence. The Town God's Temple is just opposite our residence. It was first built in the 20th year of Ming Taizu Hongwu (1387), and has a much longer history than the Academy Gate.However, since the "Cultural Revolution", it has been in disrepair for a long time and has become increasingly depressed. The ancient temple of a thousand years has now become a market, with a wide variety of boots, socks and underwear hanging everywhere.The stone lions outside the gate, the cultural relics of thousands of years, were left unattended in the mud like that, eroded by the wind and rain, and their fate was worse than the green bricks of the academy gate. It is said that the four Buddhist gates are all empty, but the City God's Temple is full of walls, full of goods and people.The City God Incense, however, succumbs to the window sill of a family at the back of the temple, with a precariously erected platform and a flag pole, which can be regarded as a temporary incense burning spot. I made a generous remark in the article: Nowadays, there are festivals but no temples in the Town God’s Temple Fair.Human ingratitude is here at its extreme.The Buddha is helpless, this is the power of money, right? Dai'er applauded with high fives, saying that this is what is called joyful, and there is something to be said! However, when I excitedly handed the "Tears of the City God", which I thought to be meticulous and meticulous, to the editor-in-chief's desk, he criticized it thoroughly and was worthless. "Is this called prose or essay? What's its value?" The editor-in-chief explained to me patiently, "You are a good editor and reporter. The subject matter is not allowed. You know, our magazines have to compete, and what we talk about is circulation. What is the circulation based on? It is the quality of the article. What does the quality of the article refer to? It is the subject matter. What is a good subject matter? Want to see, want to see, but can't see. What are these things? It's privacy. It's a case. It's suspense. Do you know?" "However, there shouldn't be only violence and pornography in life. There should be better things that are worth cherishing and cherishing, aren't there?" "Maybe, but who cares. A few ordinary people want to know how old the stone lions in Chenghuang Temple are? They like to see things that are close to their lives." "It's not like there are no good things. We also have a lot of articles on the main theme of our magazine. The headlines are always positive articles..." "Eye donation and kidney replacement?" I mumbled, "But those bloody and sensational stories are just as indigestible." "That's exciting." The editor-in-chief patted me on the shoulder kindly, "You are young, energetic, and want to innovate, which is good. But the documentary style is the characteristic of our magazine, which is the experience gained from many years of practice. Guarantee of distribution. Without circulation, even the best ideals are empty talk, you know?" "Understood." I agreed disheartenedly, not daring to pretend to be righteous and act for the heavens. The editor-in-chief chuckled: "Xiao Tang, although you are a newcomer, you have a bright future. Last month, you were the one who submitted the most articles in our editorial department, especially the article about the right and wrong of celebrity love. It's really good. Good job Come on, I have a lot of confidence in you. You know?" "Yes." This time I answered much louder, because I clearly realized what the so-called "maximum number of submissions" meant. Since wages are calculated by page, the competition among editors is obviously fierce.It is a long-standing habit of literati to look down on each other, not to mention that reporters and editors are not pure literati, and the editorial department uses a magic weapon to compete for manuscripts. Replacement if fake. So as long as I have nothing to do, I am always too lazy to stay in the office. I am happy to give up my time and position to those who are willing to flatter me. After all, it is not harmful to health. Gradually became familiar with various film and television companies. The director joked: "Actually, Ms. Tang has pretty features. If she is willing to act, why bother to interview people? She is a ready-made big star." The words made my heart move, so I also wanted to make a guest appearance to enjoy the show. The director answered quickly: "Okay, recently there is a TV movie book, a youth film, about college students, you are of the right age, so you can play the role of the female monitor." But when I got the book, I found out that there were three lines of dialogue in total. "My name is Zhang Jie, acting monitor." "It's okay, you're ready to sleep on the bunk." "Hello teacher." It's over. The producer even made fun of me: "There are still names, not bad." Yes, the leading role is better than the supporting role, the supporting role is better than the supporting role, the one with a name in the role is better than the one without a name, and the one with a frontal face without a name is better than one with a side face... In the one and a half hours of the film, the characters have already been divided into ranks and ranks , Hierarchy is strict, envy does not come. So I tossed and turned for the three lines, tried every means to surprise and win, and insisted on seeing the extraordinary from the ordinary. On the day of the performance, I smiled brightly at the camera: "My name is Zhang Jie." Pausing slightly, he hesitated to speak, showing pride in his modesty, "Temporary squad leader." The director said: "Okay!" It happened once, and I was quite proud of it, so I went to the side to watch others continue to perform. I didn't tell anyone else about this except Dai'er. With three lines of lines throughout the scene, how could a character who couldn't be smaller have the face to speak up. But I was excited in my heart, counting the broadcast time with my fingers day after day. One day when I came back to work from the studio, I just went upstairs when I heard my colleague Zhang Jinding's cadenced baritone: "Tang Yan? There is no such person in our magazine. I'm new here, I don't know, or I have already left..." There was a rush of anger and blood, I really wanted to open the door and go in to have a big fight, but I immediately realized that arguing is not the answer, the most important thing is that I will never gain the upper hand. Zhang Jinding, 27 years old, joined the magazine at the same time as me. He was the editor-in-chief who publicly commented on the two most promising editors at the work meeting, so he was the most hostile.Recently, there was news in the agency that we bought several new houses. In addition to taking care of the management staff and old editors, there is another set to reward new editors. Among the newcomers, Zhang Jinding and I are the most likely.Zhang’s family was poor, and he had cultivated the first college student from generation to generation. It was rare for him to be admitted to a cultural unit.In addition, I have recently made a girlfriend, and I am determined to get that house, so I am regarded as a thorn in my flesh, and I can't wait to kill my feet and hurry up. In his mind, his girlfriend is a woman, but his female colleagues are tigers, especially those who are equal to him for equal work and the same position. But just because the other party has already made such a bad move, if I accept the move, it will be tantamount to equating myself with him.And he's a man, so he can swear, but I can't. If I swear, I'm a shrew. Men and women get equal pay for equal work, but women have to bear more pressure and control than men. I really don't understand why men still have so many opinions. I went downstairs and turned round and round, trying to persuade myself to calm down my anger, not to embarrass everyone by going above Qiqing.Many things are like this. You can do it, but I can't say it. If I say it, it's stingy.This is the rule of the game for cultural people. It wasn't until I calmed down that I regained my smile and went upstairs to the office. When I saw Zhang, I greeted him with a smile as usual.His smile is also sincere and kind, and it doesn't look like he denied my existence just now. His hypocrisy and my helplessness are all the result of free competition, right?I doubt that this kind of competition will have any positive effects, but the editor-in-chief insists that there will be progress only if there is competition, and we can only fight for his orders. Like a game of chess, no matter the generals or soldiers, they are just a pawn in the hands of the fighters. They are already as cheap as dust, but the pawns and pawns still want to kill each other, which is even more cheap. After sitting down, I began to sort out the free manuscripts. Zhang Jinding came over and said, "The editor-in-chief asked me to send the manuscripts. Have you read them?" According to regulations, in addition to being responsible for the editing of our respective manuscripts, we also have to exchange manuscripts for the second review of each other, and Zhang Jinding and I are partners, so all his manuscripts are placed here.I took out the manuscript and put it in a big file bag and handed it to him, and instinctively said "thank you". In this day and age, politeness is as fake as a smile.Hollywood director John Woo has a blockbuster that has caused a worldwide sensation.In fact, what's so strange, I don't know how many times I change my face in a day.It's just that no one gave me an Oscar. When it was close to noon, the editor-in-chief called: "Xiao Tang? Xiao Zhang specifically said that he wrote a special article in this issue. Why didn't I see it? He said he gave it to you. Have you seen it?" "Yes, I remember adding the second-instance opinion in detail. Didn't Zhang Jinding send it to you just now?" "I haven't seen it, see if it's still with you." 我赶紧把桌子翻成废墟状，却仍然一无所见，只好跑到楼下跟主编商量，“的确不在我这儿。不过稿子是电脑打字，张金定那儿一定有存盘，不如重新输出一份吧。” “也只有这样了。”主编意味深长地看了我一眼，“竞争是要的，但应当公平，知道吗？” 我一愣，不由情急：“您的意思是说我故意把稿子藏起来？” “你这孩子，怎么性格这么急？我可没说你什么，别人说什么我也不全信，不过做事还是应该小心谨慎些，不要让别人落下话柄，知道吗？” 又一句“知道吗”，倒真是让我知道了，一定又是张金定搞的鬼。但是证据在前，理亏的是我，说什么也没人相信，我只有吞了这个哑亏，拎起相机袋子出了门。 怨气一天天闷在心里，我怀疑胆结石就是这样形成的。 回到家我对着黛儿诉苦：“你就好了，只对着我哥哥一个人，工作简单，人事简单。不像我，同事间就像王熙凤说的，个个乌眼儿鸡似的，不是冤家不聚头，恨不得将我赶尽杀绝。” 黛儿说：“不被嫉妒是庸人。你文采好，笔头快，别人越攻击你，就越证明你优秀，何必介意？” 我惊讶：“看你不谙世事的，倒是练达人情即文章。” “习惯了嘛。”黛儿言若有憾，心实喜之，“从小到大，我一直被嫉妒包围，不习惯也不行啊。” 我“哈”地一声笑出来，有黛儿这样精彩的良友相伴，真是我枯燥如泼墨山水画的黯淡人生中最亮丽的一笔。 终于等到片子在中央六频道播出，吃过晚饭人我便牢牢守在电视机前等候自己出场，那种感觉十分奇特，好像同一个神秘的人约会，走了几天几夜去赴约，但是总预感到对方会失约，所以越走越急，越急越走不快，浅浅的兴奋中有着十分无奈的真正悲哀。 黛儿则比我还紧张，一会儿开音乐一会儿弄咖啡，一刻也坐不稳。 终于我出现在荧屏上，是个大场面，人头济济，而我远远地一晃，表情根本看不清，声音亦很僵硬。“我叫张洁，暂代班长。” 一下子就过去了。 我错愕，“那不是我的声音。我练了那么久的台词，我根本不是这么说的。”但立刻反应过来，这八成是后期录音，随便找个工作人员录入的，电影公司当然不会为了三句对白再找我一次。 怒极反笑，我忽然觉得滑稽，生命原来是这么讽刺的一回事，在你眼中看去大得不得了的喜怒哀乐，在别人眼中不过是一秒钟的剪辑。 黛儿拍拍我的手：“万事总有开始。那些专业演员也都是打这个阶段走过来的。” 我关掉电视，不想再看到自己的另外两次现眼。 就在那一刻，我下定决心誓必出演一次大角色，让那些小觑我的导演制片悔断肠子，对着我的剧照吐血去。我像于连那样握紧拳头对自己起誓：“这是任务！” 电话铃在这个时候响起来，是高子期先生找陈黛儿小姐。 只听黛儿说：“看电影？现在？可是我……我有点累，不太想出去……要不……” 不等她说完，我已赶紧起身：“反正没事，回家找老爸聊天去。” 朋友是用来同甘的，至于苦，自己吞咽已经算了，犯不着株连九族。何况子期常要带团出差，与黛儿见面机会并不多，每一次约会都被黛儿视为生命中大节目，我不愿令她为难。 关门前，正赶得及听黛儿说最后一句话：“等等，现在我又想去看电影了……”