"Despite the vicissitudes of her life, her life was once gorgeous and colorful--born in troubled times, suffered a lot of torture in her youth, and suddenly God piled up all the good things a woman could hope for: talent, fame, wealth, and even love, It’s like cooking oil in a raging fire, flowers blooming in brocade, but then they are taken away again, in exchange for double the bitterness and suffering, ups and downs, when she blooms to the most beautiful and most beautiful, it is also the time when her road comes to an end, so she can’t help it There is no greater tragedy in life than choosing to die and avoiding it."

Putting down the clippings, my tears flowed down, it was such a grievance that I couldn't control it. Outside the window, the drizzle is like silk, and there are swallows flying in the rain. The gray sky, the gray roof, and the gray pigeon backs, oh, this is the Shanghai described by Zhang Ailing, but it has been half a century since Zhang Ailing left up. It was an old newspaper from September 1995. The news column said that a generation of talented Zhang Ailing was found dead in an apartment in Los Angeles on the morning of the 8th. The police judged that it had been about six or seven days since her death...

Los Angeles?How could it be Los Angeles?She is obviously the daughter of Shanghai, but she walked alone in such a remote and lonely foreign land, and without telling anyone, she decided to end her life quietly. Hey, what joy is there in life, what fear in death, she is really tired and bored, isn't she? I opened the window, let the wind blow in, let the rain float in, and let Zhang Ailing's lonely wandering spirit fly in.I want to tell her how much I love her, how many people love her, feel sorry for her, and don't want to part with her. How could she bear to leave like this? I remember hearing from my grandmother when I was a child that after death, people would retrace all the paths they had taken in life, picking up the footprints of the previous life one by one, so that they could be reborn and reincarnated.

Shanghai has left such deep memories of Eileen Chang and so many footprints, she will always come back, right? When she flies over the sky of Shanghai, will she see me, this Gusu girl who came to Shanghai to seek her dream because of her? ——From seeing Zhang Ailing for the first time in my teens, to finally having the opportunity to buy all of her works in my twenties, I have loved her for ten years and have never changed. In this era of star chasing, every day there are fans fighting to see their idols. If I have an idol, it is Eileen Chang.It is because of her that I am obsessed with the romance of Shanghai, that I regard the TV series "Shanghai Beach" as a bible, that I hang Ruan Lingyu's beauty photos all over the boudoir, and that I turn on the stereo and play Zhou Xuan's "Night at Night" over and over again. Shanghai", will give up work and assign a person to come to a foreign land alone as a stranger.

But walking on the streets of Shanghai, I couldn't see her. Not even a dream. It's such a pity to be born decades late. I wear flat shoes, a white shirt, a long skirt made of soft materials, and braided braids. I always hold a bamboo paper umbrella with sixteen bone ink and wash landscapes in my hand. On rainy days, two orioles sing green willows, and on sunny days, a group of egrets go up to the blue sky. Shanghai sees me as a foreigner, and I see myself as an outsider. Anyway, it's already out of place, so I simply do my best. Zijun laughed that I live in Shanghai and think about Shanghai, but the Shanghai in my heart is not the same as the Shanghai around me.

I agree.Thinking day and night, how can I see Zhang Ailing? Pei Zijun is my boyfriend, a guy who loves to travel and doesn't like to use his brain. His job is a tour guide and his hobby is to be a mountaineering team member.Some people would describe him as handsome, because his height of 1.8 meters is not easy to see in Shanghai, and he has long hands and legs, and well-developed limbs. He always likes to arch his arms in a brave and powerful posture. It's a pity he fought. But I don't think that a man with muscles can be considered handsome. The handsome boy in my mind is Xu Wenqiang-note, it is Xu Wenqiang in the TV series "Shanghai Beach", not the movie star Chow Yun-fat.

An actor who creates a certain role does not become the role because of it; Eileen Chang wrote it, but I love Eileen Chang, not Bai Liusu.I am very clear about this. I said to Zijun, "How can I see Zhang Ailing?" He laughed: "And you said you weren't daydreaming?" This sentence is the dialogue of Qingxia laughing at Zixia in the movie "A Chinese Journey to the West". Learning a few words from Zhou Xingchi is already my boyfriend's highest artistic ability, and he will never read books.Fortunately, although he didn't know that Liu Wenxi was Liu Haisu, and that Bada Shanren was just one person's nickname, not a group of eight, he also knew that Zhang Ai was the abbreviation of Zhang Ailing.

When I celebrated my birthday, he also bought the latest edition of the gift hardcover and gave it to me.But I couldn't help but want to teach him: "You buy a book to read the text, no matter whether it is printed on floral paper or white paper, whether it is packed in a wooden box or a gold box, its value will not change. " He scratched his head: "But wouldn't it look better if the packaging is beautiful? Beautiful female doctors are more popular than ugly ones." You have to admit that sometimes his words may not be unreasonable. But I still have to ask: "How can I see Eileen Chang with my own eyes?"

He laughed at me: "If she comes to Shanghai for a concert, I'll fight for a ticket for you." I stared at him, still couldn't help laughing.I can't blame him for joking, maybe my idea is really absurd. It has been 5 years, even Zhang Ailing has a spirit in the sky, and her soul and dreams have already been separated, or she was reincarnated, drank Meng Po soup, crossed the Naihe Bridge, and never regained the memory of her past. I am the only one, struggling to walk in the streets and alleys fifty years later, looking for the romance of fifty years ago. Every time I go to the Xinhua Theater to watch a movie, I think that Zhang Ailing must have been caught in the first play here decades ago, quietly reaping the joy and admiration of the audience, right?However, among the people who come and go in a hurry, where can we still find the traces of the old people?

I sighed: "In this life, I always miss it. I didn't catch up with Lin Fengmian as the principal when I went to Hangzhou Academy of Fine Arts; I didn't catch up with Zhang Ailing's book signing when I came to Shanghai to work." "But you just happened to meet me, it's not too early or too late, so it's lucky." Zijun giggled, and then said, "We're leaving in two days. What gift do you want me to bring you?" This is another big crime for Zijun. Of course, it is good to give gifts with surprises, but every time he has to ask me seriously first, and I always have to be polite, so I have to answer casually: "Everything is good, style is good." Special necklaces and bracelets are fine, the bamboo umbrellas and embroidered purses you brought me last time in Kunming are fine."

As a result, there is a whole row of various flower umbrella purses in my box, which is enough to open a boutique stall. Pei Zijun, who is stubborn, can’t tell that the handicrafts in all tourist spots are similar. You can sell Yuhua stone in Xi’an, and you can also sell terracotta warriors in Nanjing. A truly unique gift is not just a casual stroll. You can buy it. The most exasperating thing is that he once took more than a dozen scrolls of fake and old traditional Chinese paintings to present treasures to me, saying that they were white graphite treasures he bought with all his money.Don't even think about it, it's really Qi Baishi's own handwriting, one painting is already hard to buy, and you can still buy it in batches?He thought it was 1949, and 400 oceans could buy 170 paintings. It is said that Zijun has traveled all over the country, including rock climbing and diving, and even hot air balloon rafting. He should be well-informed, but what he does is like staying in a closed room and sleeping until he grows old. , do not know how to think at all. The biggest decision he ever made in his life was when I had already decided to break up with him, and all my relatives and friends persuaded me to give up instead. One day, he was so blessed that he quit his job and came to Shanghai with a travel bag on his back. And without saying a word, he didn't suddenly appear in front of me until he found a job and a place to live. At that time, I had been working alone in Shanghai for half a year. I had run out of money, but I hadn’t made any friends. It was the most lonely and hesitant time.In this xenophobic city, Zijun and I are not only people who have fallen in the end of the world, but also old acquaintances who met in a foreign land, so we get back together.It's been five years in a blink of an eye. If there are no accidents, we will go home together to report to the elders next Spring Festival next year and complete the formalities. But, do you really want to marry him?Just like a drop of ink falling on the rice paper, it has decided the fate of the paper ever since? If it is a landscape painting, is it green mountains and beautiful waters or dark clouds overwhelming the city?If it is a flower-and-bird painting, is it a hundred birds facing the phoenix, or a chicken living in a nest in the west of the sun?If it is a figure painting, is it a lady with fine brushwork or Li Kui with splashed ink? ——I'm afraid, even Li Kui can't do it well, so I just get Li Gui to come out. By then, it will be too late for Ri Zhixi to regret! "Have you packed your things for going out?" I sighed, doing my part as a girlfriend, "Do you want me to go to your place to help you pack your boxes?" "No. You're gone, and I'll take you back. It's so troublesome to come and go." Zijun said, "Unless you promise to stay with me at night and not come back." I glanced at him and didn't speak. Zijun was a little embarrassed, and automatically changed the subject: "You just need to do a little..." He looked at me, and made a wish very earnestly and childishly, "You have to say three times before going to bed every day: I miss Pei Zijun , I want to see him right away. Then I'll be back soon." I chuckled: "I want to see Zhang Ailing. I've said it a thousand times, but I've never seen her come." Then we went out together to pick out the accompanying supplies for Zijun. In fact, it is common for Zijun to go out, and he has everything from foldable travel bags to mini toothbrush kits, but every time he travels far, I still can’t help but buy some small things with him, as if I can’t feel at ease otherwise. Walking in the supermarket, Zijun said with emotion: "You know what I envy the most? Look at those newlyweds pushing their carts and walking up and down among the shelves, picking out a pack of instant noodles and researching for a long time which brand is the most delicious. Bottles of soy sauce are also compared to which one is the cheapest. It is the greatest joy in life. Unlike us, every time we come to the market, it is like fighting a war. After thinking about what to buy, we come in. When we come in, we go straight to the destination and take it. Just leave. There is no interest in living at all." "Are you calling me inhuman in disguise?" I squinted at him, "Aren't you living your life now?" "Everyone lives their own lives." Zijun complained, "Brilliant box, instead of paying two rents and buying two possessions, running around every day, why not just..." "It's just to save the taxi fare for walking around." I interrupted him, "Pay it in time while you can still afford it. In the future, it would be hypocritical for you to find a reason to walk around." Zijun sighed, one after another, but after all, he didn't insist anymore. In fact, similar conversations have been repeated once or twice every other day for the past ten years. Sometimes I also wonder, is my choice too outlandish and unconventional, is it abnormal?But if I want to accept ambiguous cohabitation, I would rather get married. I always think that if you can live together, you can get married.However, why bother to bear the disgraceful unmarried first marriage? It's rare that Zijun has been waiting for me for ten years, pampering me and forbearing me all the time. In fact, it’s not that I haven’t thought about it in private. It’s better to just get married like this. Ten years have passed like this. Life is just a few decades. There are two people in a marriage, at least one of them is satisfied, and half of the success is done. , As for the reluctant partner, after a long time, he will get used to it and finally accept it, right? Passing by the reading area, I saw the latest packaging of "Hua Yuan". Although all the stories were familiar, I couldn't help but pick it up and flip it over and over again.Under the stage of a chance meeting, Eileen Chang smiled wryly and lamented the gorgeous fate of this period of life: "Everyone is a 'point' in geometry—only position, no length, width, or thickness. The whole assembly is a dot, a picture of dotted lines; and I, though I am in the The thick cotton robe was covered with a blue gown, but it had no status, only a large piece of length, width and thickness, so I was very embarrassed, stumbled all the way, and staggered out." This is her most real feeling about that era, right?The article was written in April 1947, during the turbulent period of history, among the people with only status but no substance, she couldn’t find her place in the picture made up of dotted lines, but because she had no status, she appeared more and more Suddenly, she had no choice but to flee, "stumbled and staggered out" - when she and Hu Lancheng walked to Meili Garden, walking on the turbulent Yan'an West Road, she said: "Even if modern things are wrong in a thousand ways, what is it? It's ours, kiss us." Her love for Shanghai is sincere and from the bottom of her heart.She once wrote homely and fresh words like "Are You a Shanghainese?" She said that for Shanghai, she would be homesick before leaving, but in the end, she left resolutely, walking so far, Until it disappeared silently in a foreign land.After such a lonely journey, would she be willing to come back again? Zijun said: "I like it, so I'll buy it. It costs more than ten yuan. As for standing here for a long time?" It's my turn to sigh, not being able to put it down is not the same as wanting to have it.Even if I buy it, I will still stop the next time I see this book in a bookstore.What keeps me lingering is not a book, but a complex.However, Zijun would not understand the difference. I sighed again, put the book back on the shelf, and when I turned around, I knocked down a thick-covered photo album and landed on the ground. The pages I opened were a double-page landscape photo, with orange sky, green sea, and sea. A Little Red Sail—This is an exhibition about color, but the fleeting magnificent sunset changes all conventional impressions, so the sky is yellow, the sea is green, the sails are red, and the world is magical . On the right side of the painting is the setting sun perfectly round, while on the left side there is already the beginning of the month, which is as pale as a shadow, a sigh.The title of the photography is called "Sigh". I flipped through the album and took a look at the author's signature: Shen Cao.This should be a photography genius with great wisdom. His talent is not only manifested in the angle, technique, color and composition of photography, but also in his expression through the unpredictable seascape and the contrast of the sun, moon and stars. A unique feeling of time and space comes out.His photography is full of soul and thinking. The salesperson came over, snatched the photo book from me almost rudely, and checked it: "Look, this corner is wrinkled, how can I sell it?" "I'll buy it." I said simply. "Okay then, I'll invoice you." The salesperson immediately became cheerful. Zijun was a little unconvinced: "If you touch it, you have to buy it? This book costs dozens of dollars." "It's only a few dozen yuan. As for arguing with her for a long time?" I imitated his tone just now, but immediately explained, "But I'm not afraid of quarreling, this book is indeed worth buying." "Did he take good pictures?" Zijun flipped through them. "The landscape paintings on the street are so big, and they only cost three yuan a piece, and they are still made of plastic." I laughed.How to explain to Zijun the difference between photographic works and landscape paintings? With Zijun, there may be too many things to explain.And, never expect him to understand. It's as if I also don't understand how two completely different people, me and him, got together. It was far more than ten years since I met Zijun, but I had to go back earlier, as early as the third grade of elementary school. That year, I had just transferred to a new class. Because of my height, I was assigned to sit at the same table with boys in the last row.That boy is Pei Zijun. At that time, boys sat with boys and girls sat with girls in the class. Our pair was very special in the class, so the students nicknamed me "Sister Pei" on the day I arrived. Every day as soon as I walked into the classroom, a good boy shouted: "Sister Pei is here!" Then other students shouted: "Sister Pei! Mrs. Pei! Pei Zijun, your wife is here, you are not happy!" Go pick it up?" Zijun was very annoyed, so he deliberately put on a fierce look and ordered me: "Stay away from me!" It seemed that all his grievances were because of me.But, isn't my grievance because of him? I persisted for a week, but I couldn't take it anymore. On weekends, I secretly ran to my grandmother's house to hide. On Monday, my parents came to pick me up, but I refused to leave, crying, "I don't want to go to school." My mother coaxed and frightened me, forcing me to tell the reason, but she was inconsiderate: "Just for a nickname? What is this? It's other people's business to call you. Don't tell me you're someone's daughter-in-law if they call you twice." Son? Go to school!" In the end, it was my grandma who felt sorry for me, and came to the school twisting a pair of "liberated feet", and commented with the teacher: "People are separated from men and women, why do you assign my daughter to sit with a brat?" The teacher couldn't explain the truth to grandma, so he had to ask the janitor to move another set of tables and chairs, so that Zijun and I could sit separately.But the nickname "Sister Pei" was still used until I graduated from middle school. When I met old classmates in the alley, I was occasionally mentioned: Hey, isn't this Mrs. Pei? Perhaps this is the case with nicknames. After many years, the real name may not be remembered, but the nickname is a lifelong mark, which is hard to forget. But when I mentioned it again after ten or eight years, I no longer hated it so much in my heart, but it would arouse a little warmth, and the wind of memory instantly blew my childhood hair, reminding me of some past events. Perhaps because of this, Pei Zijun suddenly remembered me one morning more than ten years later, rushed into the dormitory recklessly, and told me that he has never forgotten me, and has always secretly liked me. Bar? At that time, I was already studying at the Academy of Fine Arts in Hangzhou, and I was a famous talented woman. Walking on the campus lined with willows, I always thought: This is the road that Principal Lin Fengmian walked in those years, right?She is gearing up, and she is determined to wait for her graduation to become Huang Yongyu's second. His vision is as high as the sky. How can he see Pei Zijun, who graduated from a major in tourism? I was sorry for being too hurtful, so I gave him a half-joking look: "I like it? I still remember how fierce you were at that time! You also said to keep me away from you, have you forgotten?" Zijun blushed, rubbed his hands, and swore, "It won't happen in the future, and I won't be fierce again. As long as you stay close to me, I will do whatever I want." Thinking of that naive look now, still makes me laugh. During those days, Zijun took the train from Suzhou to Hangzhou every now and then, and we would meet each other almost every weekend.Over time, it becomes a habit. Qingxi Lake, Yuxi Lake, Su Causeway, Bai Causeway, Twenty-Four Bridges on a moonlit night, the lotus flowers reflecting the sun are so red...these beautiful scenery on good days should be enjoyed together with the sweetheart.It's not the sweetheart, and after staying by my side like a shadow for a long time, I gradually fall in love with him. When young girls are in love at the beginning, they often fall in love because of the weather.The willow catkins are lightly touched, and the wind is lingering, and there is a little separation for no reason. Every time the flowers fall in formation and the weak willows blow the wind, it seems to be saying softly: not willing, not willing. After swimming in the West Lake once, he sent him to the station, walked under the willow tree, stood still, and casually picked up the catkins stuck to the corners of his hair, and he took his hand. His eyes, so sentimental in the misty season, make one feel flustered. When I was kissed by him, I was so scared that I cried, but I didn't know how to dodge. After many years, I didn't think about it. Although it looks very pure and beautiful, is it love? It's not that I haven't tried to break up with him. Quarrels, cold wars, apologies, reconciliation... this is almost the only way for all lovers, right?For us, such moves are especially frequent. The two of us have different personalities like heaven and earth. I like to be quiet, and he likes to move. When one is going east, the other is going west. There is almost no time when we have completely the same opinion.The few years of getting along is because I accommodate you, and you accommodate me, just like two hedgehogs in the cold wind, if they want to snuggle up for warmth, they have to bald their spines first. This grinding process is too painful. Sometimes when we calm down to examine our love, we always feel bloody and blurred with thorns. I don’t know how many thorns were broken and how many wounds were pierced. The most violent time was when I left Suzhou and came to Shanghai, I sorted out all the small gifts he gave me over the past few years, packed them up and returned them to him, and said clearly: Zijun, let us separate, forever let's make friend. He backed away in a daze, his wounded appearance made my heart ache. He said, "Why did we break up when we could be friends?" Why break up when we can be friends?Perhaps he was speaking of the golden rule, the simplest truth. I couldn't bear it, but I still gritted my teeth and said, "The two of us are not suitable." On the day I left Suzhou, it was raining. I was carrying a rattan box in my left hand and a bamboo paper umbrella in my right hand. I joked to Zijun: "Look at me, do I look like Xu Zhimo?" He didn't take it seriously: "Why Xu Zhimo? He is a man and you are a woman. I don't see any resemblance." I sigh, Zijun Zijun, the two of us are really really inappropriate. However, Zijun refused to think this way all the time, and finally chased him to Shanghai again...