Chapter 49 Fanwai Yixinxiang

After the crabapple flowers in the palace had bloomed thirteen times, she understood that it was time for her to leave. It's not that I haven't thought about staying with that person for the rest of my life. It's not like I didn't think about it, just indulge in that gentle smile, don't think about anything, don't ask anything, let the time go by in a hurry, the blue hair is stained with frost, and the beauty is withered, so soon, I can use up this life . However, he didn't even give her such a chance. When she was young, she didn't pay much attention to him.

At that time, her parents were still alive, and she was still the spoiled princess.The only impression of him is the figure seen from a distance at a large celebration. At that time, there were some thin and thin teenagers in the distance, wrapped in bright yellow court clothes, standing quietly under the throne, with the appearance that they could easily be ignored. In fact, the attitude of the whole court towards him at that time was almost ignorant. Before the death of the first emperor, or even before he came to power, almost no one thought that his existence would have any significant impact on the empire.

Maybe there are always some people who have to go through the tempering of time to gradually reveal their light. And there are always some people who walk into the heart slowly, just one laugh, a touch of warmth, calm and trivial, bit by bit, and when they wake up, they turn around and fill their chests. People's smiles and figures are imprinted in the deepest dreams, which cannot be erased. That's how he got to her heart. When she was six years old, she lost her parents suddenly, and was pitifully accepted by Concubine Liu Gui as a adopted daughter to live in the palace. When she first entered the palace, she was just a helpless young orphan, facing completely strange people and things, lonely and fearful. Like a ghost, it is always by your side.

On that most difficult day, he was the first one to come to her. It was also he who showed her a gentle smile and led her gradually into the dreary deep palace life.When she was distressed, he would make a casual joke, after she worked hard, he would give her an encouraging and approving look, and when she was underestimated, he would silently block those gossips for her. Unknowingly, she began to feel that the young man's faint smile was brighter than any dazzling light, and holding the young man's warm hands was the safest protection. That time was so beautiful, the lonely young girl who had just entered the deep palace, the gentle and delicate young man, the lotus flowers in the royal garden bloomed side by side, and then fell side by side, the clear water of the Jinshui River flowed quietly through the red walls and golden tiles. The Forbidden Palace also quietly passed away for two years.

It's a bit silly to think about it. At first, she thought this was her life. And who is not?The first person I met when I was young, I would think that all his tenderness and meticulousness would be given to her alone. From then on, it will be a myth of childhood sweetheart. It was that little girl who shattered her myth, that girl who was two years younger than her, the daughter of Chief Assistant Ling Ge. During that time, there were rumors in the palace that the late emperor wanted to choose a concubine for him. She didn't take it seriously. For her, getting married was too far away. Besides, in her tactful thoughts, apart from him and her , There has never been a shadow of other girls.

But that day after he met the late Emperor in the Hall of Mental Cultivation, when she saw him, she was surprised to find a blush on his usually fair face. She thought that he was reprimanded by the late emperor for being unwell, so she hurried forward to inquire. But he shook his head and smiled, with a look of joy and sorrow: "Father said that he would choose her to be my wife." She was a little confused, so he smiled and explained: "Mr. Ling's daughter." After speaking, as if afraid that she might not be familiar with her, he continued to describe: "A very lively and very talkative little girl."

She nodded, feeling an indescribable feeling in her heart. She had never seen so many emotions on his face. Slightly wrinkled together, a pair of deep black eyes seemed to be lit by something, flashing light from time to time. With a little sadness and unclear expectations, she asked, "Brother Huan, do you like her as your wife?" The answer she heard next, she will never forget in her life. It seemed that he was stunned for a moment, the corners of the young man's raised mouth slowly lowered, and his frown also slowly calmed down. He finally smiled, with a quiet tenderness in his eyes: "If I can make her happy ,I like."

She looked at him who was smiling in front of her, forced her lips into a smile, turned her head away, but there was bitterness in her chest. This is jealousy, for the first time in her life, she lived in such a thing in her peaceful life: resentment but unwillingness, sourness and pain, piercing into the bottom of her heart like a needle, and she couldn't get rid of it. She began to deeply resent that unknown girl—she was just one step earlier than her, and just one step earlier had already taken up all the luck. Some things have quietly changed, but her life in the deep palace is still going on as usual.

Before she entered the palace, she was already well-known in the capital for her intelligence, so Concubine Liu Gui, who loved her so much, asked her to be the prince's companion, and he was with her every day during homework. Besides her, the one who is closer to him is Ying, his only half-sister who is tied to him like a small tail. After homework, he would also take Ying to see her at her residence, gossip, and chat about poetry, books, piano and chess with her who is intelligent and knowledgeable. They get along well and have a stable intimacy. A few years passed in such a hurry, during which the first emperor passed away, he ascended the throne and proclaimed himself emperor and changed his year name, Ying no longer followed him all day long, that Miss Ling also became his fiancée, the future queen handpicked by him, their relationship But still as usual.

There was a time when she secretly hoped that he would put his eyes on her. After all, their hearts and natures are so similar, even their favorite poets and poems they love to read are exactly the same, and that girl has never been by his side. Almost nothing is known about each other. Also, such a girl has no strengths at all! She always pays attention to the news of the eldest lady of the Ling family, all of which are bad rumors: rude, uneducated, female celebrity in piano, chess, calligraphy and painting. A pair of fists that always fight and make trouble. Such a girl, she thought conceitedly, could she not be more worthy of him than her?

However, as they got older, his attitude towards her was the same as when he was a teenager, but he gradually began to pay attention to some of the defenses between men and women, and when he looked at her, he lost the intimacy of childhood, and gradually became respectful and polite. She felt sore in her heart, not sure what he was thinking, and she didn't know whether to be happy or sad. That day when I was free to read a collection of lyrics with him, his eyes fell on a poem, and a smile suddenly appeared on the corner of his mouth. No matter how she looked at it, she couldn't see what was funny in that poem, so she jokingly asked him what was so funny? The smile at the corner of his mouth was even stronger: "Just seeing this word, I think of a person." She curiously asked which sentence it was, and he smiled and pointed to one of the lines.It's a sentence that doesn't look special at first glance: it's not about being obsessed with being light-hearted, and it's better to be cold. She felt sore, but she still smiled and asked, "Did you think of Miss Ling?" He actually nodded without hesitation, and there was a smile in his eyes: "I heard from Shi Yan this morning that she beat the son of the Minister of Rites because she was fighting for the peddler on the street." It's a violent temper, when will it change." Her heart seemed to be hollowed out suddenly, and an echo could be heard in the emptiness: he was much clearer about her things than she was, he had been looking at her all the time, he didn't say anything to anyone, but he was watching her all the time looking at her. A bitter taste gradually came to her mouth, and for the first time, he made her know the taste of despair. Aware of her long silence, he finally turned around in surprise. She will never forget the way he looked at her that day, gradually changing from surprise to understanding, and finally, what was left was a peaceful apology and compassion. As if it was intentional, since then, he has treated her more politely and distantly. Even for the usual visits, he will send someone to notify in advance. The etiquette has become more and more impeccable, but his attitude seems to be far away. Before taking office, because he was forced to learn medical skills from Dr. Lizheng, and the government did not require too much attention from him, he would go out with Dr. Lizheng every once in a while to learn about the local customs. Favor.Whenever at this time, because of her talent in disguise, she would pretend to be him and hide it from other people's eyes. They did this a few times, because he acted cautiously, and he would never stay outside for too long, and he never showed his flaws. In the fall of the year before he took office, he was preparing to leave the palace as before, to explain to her some matters that needed attention.After everything was arranged properly, he smiled and made an exception for the first time and said: "If I haven't come back when the day comes, I'll have to trouble Xin'er for a while longer." He always came and went on time when he went out, and there was never any delay, but this time he was exceptionally prepared to delay his return time. She was stunned for a moment, and then quickly thought that the girl ran away privately a few days ago.This is obviously dissatisfaction with the upcoming wedding, which has caused many people in the know to talk about it.He went out this time to find her, right? That wayward girl has humiliated him, does he understand?He still went to find her? She was angry and angry, and for the first time in her life, she suddenly sneered out of control: "It's really embarrassing!" His brows were slightly frowned, which was the first time in his life, and his tone of speaking to her softened: "I never value these things." She was stunned and didn't know what to say, he was still gentle, in order to avoid further embarrassment for her, after just saying this one sentence, he lightly took the topic away, and told her some things to be careful about. Finally finished speaking, before leaving, he suddenly smiled and said to her: "Xin'er, I have troubled you all this time, thank you." She froze again, then smiled politely and sent him out. Seeing his back disappear behind the screen wall, she finally lost all her strength and fell back on the chair. She understood that from now on, even if he wanted to leave the palace, he would never ask her for help again. There was always something between her and him, there was always something between her and him, as if it was just one step away, but she still couldn't get close to him. In fact, how did she ever care about other people's opinions and worldly judgments? Why did she, Du Tingxin, ever worry about the eyes of those ordinary people?But he has to worry about it.He is the Son of Heaven of Dawu, the ruler sent by the heavens, who reigns over the world, and must be as perfect as a god—even the partner around him must be equally perfect. Didn't she always do that?Try to perform better and show your best side to others.She wanted so much to be the perfect woman around him, a person like him, and she didn't want him to be criticized a little because the woman around him was not good enough. That night, she covered her face and cried bitterly, so what about her exquisite wisdom?So what about paying silently? He has never been able to see her efforts, or he has never looked at them with his heart. The night was as cold as water that night, and since that day, she has completely become a bystander. From then on, in Jiangnan thousands of miles away, her charming laughter and his tenderness and indulgence had nothing to do with her anymore. In fact, even at this point, she didn't give up completely. In the deep palace, she heard the news of his postponed return again and again, and dealt with new situations according to his arrangement time and time again. In the late nights when she couldn't sleep, she began to get used to getting up alone and lighting a burner of incense. There are all kinds of incense, such as Rui Nao, which was tributed by the feudal kingdom, century-old sandalwood from the deep mountains, and Tibetan incense added with blessing nectar pills. Every time the furnace is lit, there will be a strong fragrance that spreads out and wraps her in it. In the end, she fell in love with a spice prepared by the palace itself, which tasted very peculiar. After lighting it, the curling light smoke spreads out. At first smell, it is a lively fragrance of flowers. It blooms after the spring rain, and what escapes is the tenderness of the little daughter. When I smell it again, there is a very quiet smell. It penetrates into the fragrance of flowers, like the hand holding the delicate flower buds, as generous as the sea, it is the fragrance of Ruinao. Ruinaoxiang is the smell that often lingers on his sleeves. It was just such an incense burner, she would smell it in the middle of the night, and she would smell the dawn. In the empty room, there is only that kind of smell slowly lingering: those gentle hands holding up that delicate flower bud. Again and again, like an endless dream. The incense burner lasted until the winter of that year, and she waited for him to come back. After a few months, the moment she saw him again, tears flowed silently. In the palace of Daiyu City, he was awake, but he could only sit at the table, and he didn't even have the strength to take a step. He was stabbed in the chest by the girl's sword, the blood from the wound stained half of his clothes, and he was in a coma for four days before waking up. When she rushed to see him, he had only been awake for less than a day, but he had already got out of bed and was sitting by the window.Seeing her, she smiled. Although her voice was soft, it was still the same tone as before, light and warm: "Xin'er, it's hard work for you to come here." She couldn't take it anymore, and ran over to hug him, but she was afraid of touching his wound, tears kept dripping on the green shirt on his shoulder. He watched her cry, but just smiled and comforted softly: "Don't worry, it's okay." But she couldn't stop her tears, she was so sad that she could hardly breathe. With such a deep sword, and his body like that, how could it be okay. She didn't dare to imagine how the girl did it, and she didn't dare to look into the scene at that time, but she just rejoiced over and over that he didn't suffer more damage. But such a wound was already too serious damage to his body.He insisted on returning to the capital before the twelfth lunar month. During the bumpy journey, she heard him coughing in the carriage behind him. When she got off the car, she helped him up. The silk handkerchief in his hand was already stained dark red. In the winter that followed, his injuries continued to come and go, but there was no major improvement. She heard sporadically from Eunuch Feng from the Hall of Mental Cultivation that he coughed up blood several times, and after his already weak heart and lungs were injured, the cough never stopped. But he never let people come near when he was sick, and when she went to see him every day, she still saw him at his best—except for being pale and emaciated, there was nothing else to show. After the initial shock and heartbreak, she had no waves in her heart, and it was not like that thought never came to her: that girl hurt him so much, would he return to her in despair? Holding on to this thought, she waited for the long winter to pass day by day. This is seven years since Deyou, and the eleventh year since she came to him. After being stabbed by that girl, she never heard a word of resentment or anger from him, not even the slightest complaint. His big wedding is coming soon, and the girl finally stopped running away. The preparations for the big wedding are complicated. People often mention her in front of him, and he sometimes mentions her name. His tone is gentle and calm, not the slightest difference from before . Maybe this is better, she thought: Since that girl is destined to be his queen, wouldn't it be better if he didn't care about that past? While she was sad, she couldn't help but feel relieved for him. However, one day when she went to visit him in the Hall of Mental Cultivation, she inadvertently saw a drafted imperial edict on his desk.He is preparing to abolish the late emperor's edict and make Xing Yu's daughter Xing Yiyong the queen. She panicked in shock, it was the late emperor's edict, what did he want those unscrupulous officials to scold him for?Violating the last emperor's will before taking office? Taking the imperial edict away from him, she asked him anxiously, because she was a little anxious, and she said a lot. He listened to her, but didn't say a word. He waited for her to finish, then smiled and took the imperial edict from her hand, spread it on the table in front of him, picked up a pen and continued to polish it. She looked at his pale profile, and finally turned her head away, without saying a word. Even in such an edict, he still calmly took all the responsibilities on himself - there is nothing wrong with the eldest lady of the Ling family, but the bad thing is that he fell in love with other women . Once this edict is promulgated, it will be a stain on his life. She turned around silently, walked out of the Hall of Mental Cultivation, cold tears could not stop sliding down her cheeks, what kind of girl is that?Is it worth him doing this for her? There was a strong sadness welling up in my heart, for him, but more for: why not her?Why can't it be her? This question has been asked a thousand times, and there is still no answer. Just like the incense burner that has been lit thousands of times, it burns to ashes inch by inch, and there is never a word. The edict was not issued in the end. That day she happened to be in the Hall of Mental Cultivation, seeing that he had received a secret letter from outside the palace, and it was too late to change his clothes, so she hurriedly bid farewell to her. She had never seen him walking in such a hurry, she was a little worried, so she stayed in the Hall of Mental Cultivation and waited for his return. It was still afternoon when he went out, but it was already late at night when he came back. The weather was still extremely cold, and he entered the door with a cold air, his face was extremely pale, and seeing her there, he smiled at her and said hello to sit down. As soon as he sat down, he couldn't hold on to the table and coughed, his voice was dull and depressed. She didn't know what to say, so she had to hand over a cup of warm tea. He thanked him and took it, but his hand was shaking so much that he couldn't hold the teacup steadily, pieces of tea splashed on his hand, he finally leaned weakly on the table and coughed in a low voice. She sat on the side and looked at him, until he finally adjusted his breathing and propped up his body, she tried to say: "Go to see her?" He paused for a moment, then nodded slightly and smiled. Sure enough, he went to see her.She could only laugh too, and then asked, "What did she say?" After a slight pause, he smiled: "Let me meet someone and tell me that she will be my queen." "Who did you meet?" What does this have to do with whether she is a queen?She was a little confused, but in a moment, her heart became clear: "She said that person...is her lover?" He was still smiling, with a faint shadow cast by the candle on his side face, but his expression was still soft: "Well, she said she likes him." Tell him she likes another person, but she still wants to marry him. That girl, how could she be so ruthless? She looked at his calm face in a daze, and the corner of his mouth was still slightly smiling, slightly raised, gentle and peaceful. She suddenly hoped that he could look a little sad, at least sneer a few times, and no matter what, just stop being so calm. Tears flowed down her face silently, and she couldn't even control it. Seeing her crying, he was stunned for a moment, and after a while, he handed over a clean handkerchief: "Xin'er, don't cry." She held the handkerchief and buried her face deeply in it, but the tears flowed more and more, and she gradually cried out. As if hesitating for a long time, he stretched out his hand and placed it lightly on her shoulder: "Xin'er, don't cry." Suddenly she couldn't bear it anymore, held his hand, and wrapped her arms around his body. For the first time in her life, she burst into tears, across the collapsed low table, just hugged his body like this, buried her face in his collar, crying without the demeanor of a lady. He also reached out and patted her on the shoulder, but didn't say another word.Until she cried hoarsely and finally raised her head from his shoulders, he still didn't say anything, but just looked at her quietly, with a touch of pity in his eyes. She wiped away the tears on her face, smiled self-deprecatingly, and said hoarsely, "Brother Huan, I will be eighteen years old next year. Is it the age for marriage?" He froze for a moment, then nodded and smiled: "Yes, Xin'er has reached the age to marry." She smiled: "I'm used to living in the palace, and I don't want to go out for a while. Brother Huan also knows that I hate dealing with outsiders the most. Why don't you make me a concubine while you are getting married, so that you can stay in the palace openly and honestly?" In the palace, okay?" He looked at her, and for the first time, she read a look of bewilderment in those dark eyes, those eyes that were as bright as the night sky seemed to be covered with a layer of fog, as if looking through her, looking at unknown distance. He watched her quietly for a long time, and finally, he finally smiled and nodded slowly: "Okay, Xin'er, I will go visit my mother." He paused, then smiled: "Xin'er, if one day , you have a beloved man, I will definitely do my best to help you get out of the palace." Holding his hands, she also laughed, she should have known this would be the end, no matter how much she begged, it would be the same end: he was willing to make her a concubine, but refused to give her any promises, even at this time , all refused. Already so humble, but not in exchange for any promises. She kept laughing until tears welled up from the corners of her eyes and dripped on the back of his hand. This time, he watched quietly and did not speak again. In the eighth year of Deyou, on a cold February day, she became his queen. Three months later, they had sex for the first time. Five months later, when she was taken captive to Shanhaiguan, he rushed there immediately and sneaked into the enemy disguised as a soldier to rescue her. Another month later, they returned to the Forbidden Palace. Thirteen days later, in order to escort her out of the city safely, he fell from the white jade railing in front of the Hall of Supreme Harmony and lost his breath. Another day later, the queen mother sent a funeral to the whole country, and made the king of Yu the new king. Seven days later, she returned to the capital with the 100,000 cavalry of the guarding generals at Shanhaiguan, imprisoned the Queen Mother and King Yu, and took Xiao Qianqing's autographed will to make Xiao Qianqing the assistant king. Another day later, according to her request, the new year was named Deyou Nine Years.It was also on this day that she disappeared in the forbidden palace and never returned. In March of the ninth year of Deyou, when the begonias in the royal garden were in full bloom in the courtyard, she was standing under the brilliantly blooming begonia tree with her long-distance luggage. She suddenly felt that this kind of floral fragrance was very similar to the kind of incense she loved. After he left, she had no longer lit it: at first smell, it was a clear floral fragrance, like it bloomed after the spring rain. Detachment and innocence, I smell it again, but I can smell another mellow and fresh fragrance, as broad as the sea, like a pair of hands holding delicate flower buds, it is his smell. She smiled softly, turned around and walked out of the tiered flowering branches of the crabapple tree, the lingering aroma flashed for a while, and then disappeared again. She thought that her incense burner would finally not need to be lit again.