Chapter 21 Chapter 19 Gone

It was a long night, and I almost called the lovely lady in the forensics team, but I think there is nothing more disappointing when you are in bed than "the person next to your pillow knows how your ex-girlfriend died".I thought about going to the bar, but there's no point in going there unless you're planning to get really drunk, and I think getting drunk is boring.I even thought about calling Olivia and asking if she could let me stay the night.But I think I've used too much luck this week. Finally I went to Ned Kelly's Bar on O'Connor Street and played a few rounds of pool with three Russians who couldn't speak English but understood the common language of heartbroken men.After the bar closed, I went home and sat on the balcony and smoked until my ass got cold.I went back to the house and watched a few neurotic white brats compare the gestures of rappers in the live show, and saw that the sky was slightly brighter, so I could have breakfast.Every few minutes, I have to flick a switch in my heart so that I won't see the faces of Rosie, Kevin, or Shay.

What keeps coming to my mind is not the grown-up little Kai, but the little one with sticky cheeks, who slept in the same bed with me for so many years, and I still remember the feeling of his feet sticking to my calves to keep warm in winter.He was the cutest of our brothers and sisters, the plump, blond angel in a cereal ad.Carmel and her friends used to take him around, change his clothes like a rag doll, stuff candy in his mouth, and practice being a mother.He'll catch everyone's attention with a happy grin in his doll stroller.He was so young that he had already fallen in love with girls.I really wish someone would inform all his girlfriends, and in a soft and gentle tone, explain why he doesn't show up anymore.

When I think of Rosie, what comes to mind is not Rosie with her first love and grand plans, but her anger.One night in the fall of my seventeenth year, Carmel, Shea, and I sat on the steps and smoked—Carmel still smoked, and I couldn’t work during my second grade, and I couldn’t afford cigarettes, so I asked her Do--peat smoke, mist, and Guinness in the air, Shay whistling softly ((Take me to Monto) when someone growls. It was Mr. Daly, and he was blown away.I forgot the details, but the general idea is that he is the biggest in the family, if someone doesn't restrain himself and slaps him carefully, my internal organs will freeze instantly.

Shay said: "I'll bet a quid he caught his little girl in bed with the lad." Carmel clicked his tongue: "Keep your mouth clean." I said in a casual tone, "I bet." At that time, Rosie and I had just been dating for a year, and my friends knew about it, but we kept a low profile, emphasizing that we were just joking together, not serious, so as not to spread too much.But the more time passed, the more I felt that the bullshit didn't make sense, but Rosie said her dad would be upset, and her expression wasn't lying.Honestly, I've been secretly looking forward to this day for a year.

"You have no money." "It's not necessary." Someone had already opened the window—the Dalys rarely had disputes, so it was definitely a good show.Rosie yelled, "You can't figure it out!" I took my last puff and let the fire burn to the filter. "Here's a pound," I said to Shay. "Wait until I get my salary." Rosie rushed out of number three and slammed the door hard.The tongue-in-cheek woman who probed her head immediately hid in her den, savoring the pleasure of being frightened by herself.Rosie came toward us, her fiery red hair against the gray autumn sky, as if she were going to set the air ablaze and blast Loyalty into the sky.

Shay said, "Well, Rosie, you're still pretty." "You're still retarded, too. Franco, can I talk to you?" Shay whistled, and Carmel was tongue-tied.I said, "Of course," and stood up, "Let's go for a walk, how about?" She and I turned the corner into Smith Road, only to hear Shay laughing in the most obscene way possible. Rosie tucked her hands into her jeans pockets and walked so quickly that I almost couldn't catch up.She gritted her teeth and whispered, "My dad found out." I knew there would be such a day, but my heart still sank to the bottom of my feet.

"Oh, damn it, I suppose so. How did he find out?" "Because Neely's. I should have known it wasn't safe there, my cousin Shirley and her friends would be drinking there and her mouth was as big as a church door. The heifer saw us and told her mama , her mother told my mother, and my mother actually told my father." "And then he went crazy." Rosie went crazy: "That bastard, damn it, the next time I see Shirley, I'll definitely give her a slap in the face. He doesn't listen to my explanation at all, he just plays the piano to the cow—"

"Rosie, slow down—" "He said I was pregnant and got dumped, so don't go home crying all over your body to find him. God, Franco, I want to kill him on the spot, I swear—" "Then why did you come to me? Does he know—" Rosie said, "Yes, he knows. He wants me to break up with you." It wasn't until she turned back to see where I was running that I realized I was standing still on the sidewalk. "I won't do it, you stupid pig! Do you really think that if Dad tells me to leave you, I will leave you? Are you crazy?" "Holy shit," I said, my heart slowly snapping back into place, "are you trying to give me a heart attack? I thought...Jesus."

"Franco," she said, walking back to me and clasping my fingers so hard it hurt my palms. "I'm not breaking up, okay? I just don't know what to do." As long as someone is willing to provide a good idea, I am willing to sell my kidney.I used the most handsome method in the story of dragon slaying: "Then I will call your father, and the two men will have a good talk, and promise him that I will never let you down." "I've told him, over a hundred times. He thinks you're flattering, you just want to put your hand in my pants, and I believe it all. He won't even listen to what I say, and you think he'll Listen to you?"

"Then I'll prove it to him, as long as he finds out that I'm good to you—" "We're running out of time! He said I'd either break up with you tonight or he'd throw me out of the house. He's the guy he says he is, really. My mom's heartbroken, but he doesn't care. He'll call She won't see me again, and she will be obedient, poor wretch." In my seventeen years of living in my family, the standard answer I've learned is to keep my mouth shut.I said, "Tell him you broke up and dumped me, don't let anyone know we're still together."

Rosie froze, and I could see her head racing.After a while, she said, "How long?" "By the time we figure out a better way, or your dad dies, I don't know. As long as we hang on, things will change." "Maybe," she said, still struggling to think, looking down at our holding hands, "do you think we can do it? People here have such big mouths..." I said: "I didn't say it was easy. We have to tell everyone that we broke up, let everyone believe it, and we will never go back to the past. From then on, you have to worry about being found out by your father and kicking you out." home." "I don't care. But what about you? You don't have to hide, and your dad didn't plan to turn you into a nun. Is it worth it?" I said, "Are you mistaken? I love you." I was taken aback myself.I never said it, and probably never will.This kind of thing can only be said once in a lifetime, but I chose to blurt it out on a foggy evening in autumn.The street lamps cast a yellowish glow on the wet sidewalk, and Rosie's soft but strong fingers intertwined with mine. Rosie opened her mouth and said, "Oh." Accompanied by a voice that sounded like a laugh, it was beautiful but helpless. "That's it." I said. "Uh, so," she said, almost laughing again, "so it's all right, isn't it?" "Isn't it?" "Well, I love you too. So we'll figure something out, right?" I was speechless, my mind went blank, I just wanted to hold her tightly in my arms.An elderly dog ​​walker walked around us, muttering about openly flirting in the street, but I couldn't move.Rosie pressed her face against my neck, and I felt her eyelashes fluttering over my skin, leaving it moist. "Yes," I said against her warm hair.I'm sure it will be because we have the trump card in our hands and we can beat everyone. "We'll figure it out." We walked and chatted until we were tired and went home, carefully carrying out our mutual plans, convincing the land of loyalty that we were a thing of the past.Late that night, we waited for a long time according to the well-planned agreement, and finally hoped to meet on the 16th, regardless of how dangerous it would be to go out at that time.We lay on the creaking floor, Rosie covering us with the blue blanket she carried with her.Rosie never said "stop" that night. It was that night, and for many reasons, that it never occurred to me that Rosie might be dead.Her whole body is burning with anger. Just touching her skin can light a match and light up a Christmas tree. Even in outer space, the fire on her body can be seen.I can't imagine how all this will disappear without a trace. Danny Match would definitely help me set fire to the bike shop and put the blame on Shay in a clever way if I kept my head down.Either I know a few guys, Danny is childish compared to them, no matter how much pain I want them to cause, they all have a way of doing it cleanly and making sure that no part of Shay's body will be found. The thing is I don't want Danny Match or SMG or anyone, let alone Ball - he wants Kevin to be the bad guy so much, so let him be - Olivia's right, it doesn't matter now Saying nothing can hurt Xiaokai anymore, and justice is no longer my Christmas gift.I just want Shay.As long as I look at the Lifei River, I will see him standing by the window smoking a cigarette, staring at the river, waiting for me to find him.I want him more than any woman, even Rosie. On Friday afternoon, I text Stephen: old time, old place.It is raining heavily outside, mixed with fine snow, no matter what you wear, you will get wet, and you will be chilled to the bone.Cosmo is packed with wet and tired passers-by, counting their shopping bags and hoping that if they stay longer, their bodies will warm up.I just ordered coffee this time because I'm sure it won't be long. Stephen didn't quite understand why they met, but he was too polite to ask, and just said, "Kevin's contact record hasn't come yet." "I think so. Do you know when the investigation will end?" "Tuesday, it says. Detective Kennedy said... well, he thinks we've got enough evidence to close the case, and we just need to go through the administrative process." I said, "Looks like you know about Imelda Tini." "Oh, yes." "Detective Kennedy thinks her story is the final piece of the puzzle that fits just right enough for him to wrap up the case nicely and tie it with ribbons for the D.A.S. Am I right?" "Almost, um." "Then what do you think?" Stephen scratched his hair and pulled it into tufts. "I think," he said, "according to Detective Kennedy—tell me if I'm wrong—I think Imelda Tini must be very upset with you." "I'm not her favorite person at the moment, that's true." "You knew her, maybe a long time ago, but you did. Does she make up stories when she's upset with someone?" "You can say that I am biased, but I have to say that she will be relentless." Stephen shook his head and said, "I would love to, but I don't think the fingerprint problem has been solved. Unless Imelda Tini can explain why the fingerprints on the note were erased, the fingerprint problem is still better than her for me." Words. People lie, evidence doesn't." This kid is ten times more valuable than the king of the ball, and even better than me.I said, "I like your judgment, Detective, it's just a pity, and I'm sure Ball King Kennedy won't change his mind anytime soon." "Unless we come up with another possibility, which is so certain that he can't ignore it." When he said "we", he was still slightly shy and uneasy, just like a teenager talking about his first love girlfriend. "So I've been working on that and spent a lot of time mentally going through the whole case to see if something was missing, and I found one thing last night." "Oh, what did you find?" "Okay," Stephen said, taking a deep breath: he had obviously rehearsed to impress me. "One thing that no one has noticed at the moment is that Rosie's body is hidden. We thought about what it meant to be there, but not why. I think this is worth looking into. We all agree Rosie's murder wasn't premeditated, was it? It was just a fit of rage." "It seems so." "If this is the case, then his head must be in a mess when he finds out what he has done. If it were me, I would have fled the house immediately, but our murderer just calmed down, found a good place, and hid the heavy body in the heavy cement It's going to take a lot of time and energy to do that. He needs the body gone, he needs it. But why? Why not just leave her and let someone else find the body tomorrow morning?" He must be a good suspect profiler.I said, "What do you think?" Stephen leaned on the table, staring at me, completely absorbed in his deduction. "Because he knew someone would think of him from Rosie or the house, and only him. If her body was found the next day, someone would definitely say, 'Wait, I saw so-and-so walk into sixteen last night. No.' or 'I remember so-and-so had an appointment with Rosie Daly' or something. He couldn't let her be found out." "Sounds reasonable." "So the only thing we have to do now is to find a connection. We don't believe what Imida said, but there are definitely people who say otherwise, but what they say is true. They probably forgot because they don't know what happened. It's important, but we just have to wake up their memories... I'm going to start talking to those closest to Rosie, like her sister and buddies, and people who used to live at even numbers in Loyalty. You said in your affidavit that Heard someone crossing the backyard, probably someone saw him in the back window." Follow this clue for a few more days, and he will definitely find something.He looked hopeful, and I didn't want to throw cold water on the poor little thing, it felt like a young hound came over with his best toy and I kicked him in the mouth.But I must.I said, "Well done, Detective, the deduction is perfect, but never mind." Stephen looked bewildered. "What? What do you mean by that?" "Stephen, why do you think I texted you today? I know you didn't get the contact record, and I also know about Imelda Tini. I believe that if you have any major progress, you will have contacted me. Then I Why meet again, do you think?" "I thought... you wanted an update." "You can say that if you want. The latest situation is: from now on, the case will be handed over to the responsible person. I will take my leave. You can go back to work as a typist and enjoy it." Stephen's coffee mug slammed on the table. "what why?" "Didn't you hear your mother say 'because I call it a day'?" "You're not my mother. What are you doing—" halfway through his words, he suddenly realized. "What did you find," he said to me, "right? You actually thought of something after you left last time. You chased it for a few days and then—" I shook my head and said, "Nice theory, but it's wrong. I'd love to be able to solve a crime based on an unfounded intuition, but I have to tell you that it doesn't happen as often as you think." "...Then you found the clue and decided to monopolize it alone. Bye, Stephen, thank you for your cooperation, go back to your office. Should I be happy, because you are afraid that I will catch up from behind?" I sighed, leaned back in the chair and rubbed the back of my neck. "Son, I've been in this business much longer than you. If you don't mind listening to the old man, let me tell you a secret. The simplest explanation is the correct one, with few exceptions. There is no cover-up, no conspiracy, and the government There are no chips implanted behind your ears. The only thing I've discovered over the past two days is that you and I should let go." Stephen stared at me like I had an extra head. "Wait a minute, what about our responsibility to the victim? And didn't you say 'they're just you and me, no one else'?" I said: "It's useless, kid, that's it. The king of the ball, Kennedy is right. He caught the key to the case. If I were the prosecutor's office, I would definitely let him close the case. Even if the archangel Gabriel came down to tell him he made a mistake. He will not abandon his inferences and start over. Not to mention Kevin's contact records, even if there are problems, even if we think Imida's confession is ghostly, he will not care. From now until Tuesday , no matter what happens, the case is over." "Can you accept this?" "No, boy, I can't take it, not at all. But I'm a grown man, and I don't want to take a bullet unless it's useful. I don't do things that are doomed, not even great, because it's a waste of effort, Just like you were caught leaking useless information to me, and you were demoted back to the grassroots, and went to a remote village to work as a clerical for the rest of your life, why bother?" The kid was so angry that he clenched his fist against the table, wishing he could reward me in the face. "That was my decision, I'm old enough to take care of myself." I laughed out loud. "Don't be so sentimental, I don't want to protect you. As long as it works, I'm happy to let you ruin your future until 2012 or next Tuesday. The problem is that it doesn't work." "You made me join, and forced me to. Now that I'm in, don't you try to tell me to leave, don't try to change your mind. Pick up the stick, Stephen; let it go, Stephen; pick it up, Stephen... …I'm not your dog, or Detective Kennedy's minion." "Honestly," I said, "you are. I'll keep an eye on you, little Stephen, and if you poke around where you're not supposed to be, I'll take the autopsy and fingerprints to Detective Kennedy and talk to him. Say where the report came from. You'll be blacklisted by him, blacklisted by me, and you'll be sitting at a desk in the middle of nowhere. So I'll say it again, don't touch it! Do you understand? " Stephen was too surprised and too young to control the expression on his face.He looked at me bitterly, unable to hide the anger, surprise and disgust in his eyes.Everything was just as I wanted it to be, the more arrogant and rude he was to me, the less he would touch the nasty things that happened next, but there was still a sting in my heart. "Man," he said, shaking his head, "I really don't understand you. Not at all." I said: "Isn't it?" After speaking, I started to fish for my wallet. "I don't need you to invite me to drink coffee, just come by myself." If I hit his ego too hard, I might end up making him pursue the case hard enough to prove his worth. "It's up to you," I said. "Also, Stephen," and he bowed his head and went on rummaging through his pockets. "Detective, I want you to watch me," I said after he gave up struggling and reluctantly looked up at me. I can tell you, I will remember it in my heart. As long as there is an opportunity to help you, there will definitely be one, and I will definitely do my best." "I said, I can come by myself." "I know you can do it, but I'm not a person who likes to be in debt, and I do owe you. It was a pleasure working with you, Detective, and I hope to have another opportunity to work together in the future." I didn't try to shake hands.Stephen gave me a serious look, without revealing any thoughts, and put a ten pound note on the table with a snap.In terms of rookie salary, this is a big protest.He put on his coat with a shake of his shoulders, and I stayed in the seat and let him go first. And just like that, I'm back where I started a week ago, with the car parked in front of Lil's house, waiting to pick Holly up for the weekend, but it feels like years have passed. Olivia was in understated ale, not last week's understated little black dress, but it meant the same thing: Demo's would-be pedophile was coming, and he had a good chance of being featured.However, Olivia didn't block the door this time, but pulled me into the kitchen as soon as the door opened.When I was a couple, I was most afraid of her hinting that "we need to talk", but now I welcome it, because it means that the state of "I have nothing to say to you" can be temporarily put aside. I said, "Isn't Holly ready yet?" "She's in the shower. It's Sarah's fun day with her hip-hop dance class and she just got home, sweaty. She'll be out in a few minutes." "how is she?" Olivia sighed, brushing her impeccable hairstyle with one hand. "I think she's okay, at least as far as we're expecting. She had nightmares last night, and she's been pretty quiet for the past few days, but it doesn't seem... I don't know. She likes the hip-hop class." I said, "Has she eaten?" Holly had gone on a hunger strike when I first moved out. "Eat, but she is no longer a five-year-old child. Recently, she has stopped speaking outright, but it doesn't mean she doesn't feel it. Would you like to talk to her? Maybe you can better understand how she is facing it. " "Then it looks like she's keeping quiet," I could say viciously, but I don't. "I don't know where you learned it from?" Olivia's mouth tightened. "I made a mistake, a big mistake, I admit it, I apologize, and I'm trying to make amends as much as possible. But please remember this: no matter what you say, it will not hurt me more than if I hurt her. " I pulled up a high chair and sat down on it.Not to piss off Olivia, but I'm so exhausted that even just sitting for two minutes in a room smelling of toast and strawberry jam is a great treat to me. "It's inevitable that people will hurt each other. But at least you have good intentions. Not everyone can be like you." Even his shoulders tensed now."People don't have to hurt each other," Lil said. "You're wrong, Lil, they will. Parents, lovers, siblings, take your pick. The closer you get, the more it hurts." "Well, sometimes it does, of course. But speaking like a law of nature, that's an excuse, Franco, you know that too." "Let me pour a basin of cold water on reality to make you sober. Most people are rushing to twist each other's heads. As for the very few perverts who deliberately don't do this, the world will not let them go. Sooner or later, they will join forces. .” "Sometimes," said Olivia coldly, "I wish you'd listened to yourself. Do you ever find yourself talking like a teenager? Listening to Morrissey too much makes you feel sorry for yourself. " It was the exit signal, she had one hand on the doorknob, but I didn't want her to go away, I wanted to leave her bickering with me in the warm kitchen.I said, "I'm speaking from experience. There may be people out there who have never played hard, at most, with marshmallows in each other's hot cocoa, but I've never met one. If you do, do let me know I am an open-minded person, just tell me one example, one is fine, it is a relationship that never hurts each other." I'm not sure about other things, but I will always have a way to provoke her to raise her argument. "Well," she said, "well, take that Rosie. Tell me, did she hurt you? Not her murderer, but herself, Rosie." There is another characteristic between Lier and me, that is, I will always be overwhelmed in the end.I said, "I think I've talked enough about Rosie Daly this week. If you don't mind, let's try another example." Lil said, "She didn't leave you, Franco, all along. You've got to face that sooner or later." "Let me guess, is it Jackie's big mouth again?" "I don't need Jackie to know that you were hurt by a woman, at least you always thought so. Honestly, I've known since the day we met." "I really don't want to expose you, Lier, but your telepathy is not very reliable today. I hope you will be better next time." "I don't need telepathy either. Just ask the women you've dated, I bet they know they're just a second, a substitute, until your real sweetheart comes back." She wanted to continue talking, but she swallowed her words.Her eyes were full of worry, even surprise, as if she suddenly realized how serious this matter was. I said, "Go on! Speak what's on your mind. Now that you've started, you'd better finish it." After a while, Lier moved slightly as if shrugging. "Well, that was one of the reasons why I asked you to move away." I laughed loudly: "Oh, yeah, okay. So those damn complaints before, that I was too busy at work and too little at home, what are those, just talk about him? Let me guess for myself?" "You know that's not what I mean, and you also know that I hate it to death. I don't know if the 'see you at eight' you said is tonight or next Tuesday at eight o'clock, and every time you ask how you are doing, The answer is always 'work,' and—" "If I knew it earlier, I would have made it clear in the divorce agreement that I would never have this kind of conversation when I was younger, not to mention what does Rosie Daly have to do with these—" Olivia's tone was flat, but it was so violent that it pushed me off the chair. "It's a big deal. I knew all the problems came down to one point, because I'm not her, no matter who this woman is. If she calls you at three o'clock in the middle of the night and asks why you haven't come home, you must I'll pick it up. I think it's more likely that you'll be home early." "If Rosie could call at three, I'd be able to make millions of hotlines to my afterlife, moving to Barbados." "You know exactly what I mean. You never treated me the way you treated her. Sometimes, Franco, sometimes I feel like you purposely exclude me, punish me for what she did to you, because I'm not her .You want to force me to leave so that when she comes back she won't find someone else to take her place, that's how I feel." I said, "Let me put it another way, you dumped me because you wanted to. I'm not saying I was surprised or that I deserved it, but I'm going to say that Rose Daly had nothing to do with it." Not at all, especially since you don't even know of her existence." "You're wrong, Franco, there is a relationship, there is. You and I were married with the conviction that this marriage would not last long. It took me a long time to find this out. Once I understood that marriage is It doesn't make sense anymore." Olivia looked so beautiful and so tired.Her skin was beginning to age and weaken, her crow's feet accentuated by the sickly lighting of the kitchen.I thought of Rosie, of her round, firm body like a ripe peach, but she could never have any other beauty than that.I hope Demo understands how beautiful Olivia's wrinkles are. I just want to quarrel with her, but at this moment, the rain is about to come, and the killing spree is about to take place, which makes the quarrel between me and her before eclipsed, like a child playing a game.Every ounce of anger I had was sucked into a huge vortex, and I felt bored at the thought of having a good fight with her and finding something meaningful in the fight. "Listen," I said, "I'm going upstairs to get Holly. If I stay any longer, I'm just going to keep throwing tantrums, let's have a big fight, and ruin your mood and your date. I already did it last week. I've done it once, and I don't want you to catch my habit." Olivia smiled, a little surprised and unable to hold her breath. "Unexpectedly," I said, "I'm not a complete jerk." "I know, I never thought you were," I gave her a suspicious look and started to get up and step off the high chair, but she stopped me and said, "I'll get her. She doesn't want you knocking on the door when she's in the shower. " "What? When did it start?" Olivia had a slight smile on her lips, with a bit of sentimentality. "She's growing up, Franco. She won't even let me in the bathroom until she's fully dressed. A few weeks ago, I opened the door to get something, and she screamed like a banshee and gasped. She scolded me violently, saying that people need privacy. If you approach her now, I guarantee she will warn you. " "My God!" I said.I still remember when Holly was two years old, she rushed out of the bathroom and jumped on me, naked as a newborn, splashing water everywhere, and I scratched her small ribs, making her giggle. "Pick Holly down quickly, or she'll even grow armpit hair." Lil nearly laughed again.I used to be able to make her laugh anytime, but in recent times, twice in one night is a record. "I'll come as I go." "Don't worry, I have nowhere to go anyway." Before leaving the kitchen, she said to me in an almost forced tone: "The coffee machine is on, you want to drink it yourself, you look tired." After she finished speaking, she closed the door and made a crisp knocking sound, telling me not to Deliberately lest Demer should come, I decided to go out and answer the door in boxer briefs.I slid off the high chair and made a double espresso.I'm well aware that Lil made a lot of interesting points just now, some very important, and two very ironic, but all of them can wait until I figure out how to deal with the goddamn Shay and do it. I heard the bathtub running upstairs, Holly chirping, and Olivia occasionally interjecting.I suddenly thought about it, I couldn't breathe, I really wanted to rush upstairs and open my arms to embrace the two of them, just like the previous Sunday afternoon, the three of them stumbled and fell on the double bed between me and Lier, pressing The voice sniggered, listening to Demo ringing the doorbell frantically, chin, watching him driving the Audi into the sunset, then ordering a lot of food to be delivered, and staying at home for the entire weekend, and even next week.I almost did it. Holly chirped for a while before talking about the recent news.Over dinner, she chatted with me about hip-hop lessons, with a full demonstration and a bunch of excited, breathless comments.Then she talked about her schoolwork, complained a lot less than usual, and then huddled up on the sofa and watched "Montana" next to me.She had a lock of hair in her mouth, which she hadn't done in ages, and I knew she was thinking. I didn't rush her.She didn't say, "Dad" until she went to bed and covered her with the quilt, and I hugged her to accompany her to drink hot milk and tell bedside stories. "What are you thinking?" "Are you getting married?" What is this little guy thinking? "No, sweetheart, it's not possible. Marrying your mother is enough, how could you think of that?" "Do you have a girlfriend?" Mom, it must be her, maybe because divorced people can't go to church to remarry or something. "No, I told you last week, remember?" Holly thought for a moment. "That dead Rosie," she said, "was the girl you knew before I was born." "What's up with her?" "Is she your girlfriend?" "Yes, she is. I didn't know your mother then." "You want to marry her?" "That was the plan." Holly blinked.Her eyebrows were as thin as a brush, and they were close together now.She was still thinking hard. "Then why didn't you?" "Before we could get there, Rosie died." "But you said you didn't even know she was dead, only recently." "Yeah, I thought she dumped me." "Why don't you know?" I said, "She just disappeared one day and left a note saying she was going to England. I found the note and thought it meant she had dumped me, and it turned out I was wrong." Holly said, "Dad." "how?" "Did someone kill her?" Holly is wearing a pink and white patterned pajamas that I've just ironed for her.Holly loves the freshly ironed clothes.She lays Clara on her bent knees.The bedside light was dim yellow and soft, and she looked as eternal and perfect as the watercolor girl in the storybook, but it scared me.I wish someone could tell me the right answer, or even not be terribly wrong, and I'd sacrifice an arm in exchange. I said, "It should be, because it happened a long, long time ago, so it's hard to be sure." Holly looked into Clara's eyes thoughtfully, and a lock of hair slipped back into her mouth. "If I disappeared," she asked, "would you think I ran away?" Olivia said she would have nightmares.I said, "It doesn't matter what I think, even if I think you've jumped on a spaceship and gone to another planet, I'll still look for you, and keep looking until I find it." Holly let out a long sigh, and I felt her shoulders get closer to mine, making me think it was done.But she said, "If you married that Rosie, wouldn't I never be born at all?" I took her hair out of her mouth and put it back where it should be, her hair smelling of baby shampoo. "I don't know how it works, baby, it's very mysterious. I just know that you are you, and I think you've found a way that no matter what I do, you're yourself." Holly got deeper into the quilt, and said in a tone ready to fight: "I'm going to grandma's house on Sunday afternoon." She's going to grandma's, and I'm going to have a good cup of tea with Shay and have a good chat. "Uh," I said cautiously, "let's think about this and see if it will affect other plans. Is there any special reason?" “多娜星期天都会去，只要等她老爸打完高尔夫球。她说奶奶会做很棒的晚餐，饭后还有苹果塔和冰淇淋。有时洁琪姑姑会帮小女生做好漂亮的头发，有时大家会一起看DVD。多娜、戴伦、艾舍丽和路意丝轮流挑片子，但卡梅尔姑姑说只要我在，就让我第一个挑。我以前都不能去，因为你不晓得我会去奶奶家，现在你知道了，我就可以去了。” 我心想，老妈是不是和老爸签了周日下午密约，还是直接在他午餐里塞了快乐丸，把他关进房里和地板作伴？ "Let's talk about it later." “有一次，谢伊伯伯带所有人到自行车店，让他们试骑自行车。凯文叔叔有时会带游戏机过去，而且他有很多的遥控器。可是奶奶会生气，因为他们跳来跳去，她说房子都快被他们弄垮了。” 我侧头好正眼看着荷莉，她抱着克拉拉抱得有点紧，但脸上不动声色。“小甜心，”我说，“你知道凯文叔叔星期天不会出现了，对吧？” 荷莉低头贴着克拉拉。 “嗯，因为他死掉了。” “是啊，亲爱的。” 她匆匆地斜瞄我一眼。 “但我有时候会忘掉，就像莎拉今天跟我说了一个笑话，我很想告诉他，后来才想起来他已经死了。” “我知道，我也是这样，你的脑袋需要时间调整，之后就不会了。” 她点点头，用手指梳着克拉拉的鬃毛。我说：“你也知道这个周末到奶奶家，大伙儿心情一定很糟糕，对吧？不会像多娜告诉你那样好玩的。” “我知道，我想去因为我想在那里。” “好，小乖，我们再看看。” silence.荷莉帮克拉拉的鬃毛扎了一个辫子仔细检查，接着说：“爸爸。” "how?" “我想起凯文叔叔的时候，偶尔不会哭。” “没关系，小甜心，这很正常，我也是。” “假如我很关心他，不是应该哭吗？” 我说：“小甜心，我想遇到这种情况，世界上没有规定一个人该怎么反应，你可能得自己慢慢去发觉。你偶尔会想哭，偶尔不会，偶尔会气他抛下你走了。但无论如何，你都要记得这些感觉很正常，脑袋里会有什么想法也一样很正常。” “《美国偶像》里面的人讲到死掉的人都会哭。” “是啊，但你不能忘了那是哪里，小甜心，那是电视节目。” 荷莉用力摇头，头发拂过了双颊。 “爸爸，不对，那个不是电视，是真人。他们都会讲自己的故事，比如奶奶人很好，很相信他，但后来死了。他们都会哭，有时候连葆拉也会掉眼泪。” “我想也是。但这不表示你也应该哭。每个人不一样，而且跟你说一秘密：那些人常常是假装的，好让更多人投他们的票。” 荷莉仍然半信半疑。我记得自己头一回目睹死亡，是在我七岁的时候，新街有个远房亲戚心脏病发，老妈带着我们几个小鬼去守灵。过程和凯文的守灵式差不多，泪水、笑声、往事、堆积如山的三明治、整夜喝酒、唱歌、跳舞。 有人带了手风琴，还有人带了《马里欧·兰莎全集》。比起葆拉·阿巴杜和《美国偶像》，我得到的丧亲入门教学健康多了。这让我不禁想到，我是不是该带荷莉去参加凯文的守灵式才对，虽然那天有老爸闹场。 我一想到要和谢伊共处一室，却不能剁烂他，我的脑袋就一阵晕眩。我想到自己当年只是一个毛头小子，却为了萝西而光速成长。又想起老爸对我说过，男人应该知道自己愿意为了什么而死。为你心爱的女人与小孩，做他们要你做的，即使比死还难。 “这样吧，”我说，“星期天下午，我们一起去奶奶家，就算待一下也好。虽然我们会谈到凯文叔叔，但我向你保证，大家会用自己的方式面对。他们不会一直掉眼泪，要是你都没哭，也不要觉得自己做错了，你觉得这样有帮助吗？” 荷莉马上精神一振，甚至抬头看我，而不是盯着克拉拉。 "Well, maybe." “唔，那么，”我的脊椎仿佛被冰水浇灌，但我必须像大人一样咬牙忍住。 “我想就这么办吧。” “真的吗？一定？” “嗯，我现在就发短信给洁琪姑姑，要她转告你奶奶，说我们到时过去。” 荷莉说：“好。”接着又长叹一声，但这回我感觉她肩膀放松了。 “另外，假如你现在好好睡一觉，我敢说你醒来感觉会更好，睡觉哕。” 荷莉扭着身体躺好，让克拉拉抵着下巴。 “帮我盖被子。” 我帮她盖上被子，刚刚好不会太紧。 “今晚别做噩梦了，小乖，好吗？只准作好梦，这是命令。” “好，”她眼睛已经眯上，缠着克拉拉鬃毛的手指也开始放松。 “晚安，爸爸。” “晚安，小甜心。” 我早该发现的。过去十五年，我和手下小伙子一次次死里逃生，靠的就是我从来不曾错过半点征兆。走进房间闻到刺鼻的烧纸味、电话闲聊对方语气里的兽性。我没注意凯文身上的征兆已经够糟了，疏忽荷莉身上的迹象更是千万个不应该。 我该看到的，看到征兆有如火光在玩偶四周闪烁，有如毒气充满那个舒服的小房间，不停告诉我：危险！ 然而，我却离开床边，切掉大灯，移开荷莉的袋子免得遮住夜灯。她扬起脸庞，对我低声呢喃。我弯身亲吻她的额头，她更往被子里钻，发出一声满足的轻叹。我看着她看了好久，凝视她的浅发披垂在枕头上，睫毛在双颊留下针状的影子。之后，我轻轻离开卧房，将门关上。