Chapter 11 Chapter 9 Miss the call, miss the life

I drove off towards Dazzy.The car smelled like a drunk sleeping in sweaty clothes. It smelled so good.I rang the doorbell at Olivia's house, and immediately heard a whisper, the sound of a chair scraping back on the floor, followed by the sound of stomping upstairs--Holly in an invincible mood--and a nuclear explosion. The door slams. Olivia opened the door with a livid face. "I hope you'd better have a very good reason. She's upset, angry, and disappointed, and I don't think she's wronged you at all. Also, I don't know if you care, but my weekend Ruined, I'm not very happy."

I'm usually sensible enough not to try to sneak in and attack Olivia's refrigerator.I stood where I was, letting the residual rain drip from the eaves to my hair. "I'm sorry," I said, "I'm really sorry, Lil. Believe me, this is an emergency and I really don't have a choice." Olivia raised her eyebrows slightly, sarcastically: "Oh, really? Then tell me, who died?" "People I knew, long ago, before I left home." She was startled, but regained her composure. "In other words, a guy you haven't bothered to talk to for over twenty years is suddenly more important than your daughter. Should I change my date with Dermot? Or has something happened to someone you used to meet?"

"That's not true. This girl, who was close to me in the past, was killed the day I left home and her body was found this weekend." Olivia pricked up her ears. "This girl," she said after staring at me for a while, "you said you were 'close', meaning girlfriends, right? First love?" "Well, almost." Lier was silent, thinking about something.Her expression didn't change, but I saw her hesitate, thinking about it.She said: "I'm sorry to hear this news. I think you should explain it to Holly, at least in general. She's in the room."

I knocked on Holly's door, and she yelled, "Go away!" Only Holly's room in this house can still see traces of my existence: between the full pink and frills, I bought her dolls, ugly caricatures drawn for her, and funny postcards written to her for no particular reason.She lay face down on the bed, her head pressed against a pillow. I said, "Hi baby." She squirmed angrily, pressing the pillow tighter over her ears.I said, "I want to apologize to you." After a while, a vague voice came from under the pillow: "Three apologies." "why?"

"You sent me back to my mother; you said you would come to pick me up later, but you didn't; and you said you would come to me yesterday, but there was no result." A direct hit. "You're right, absolutely right," I said, "and I'll watch you and apologize three times if you'll come out from under the pillow. I don't say sorry to the pillow." I sensed that she was considering whether to continue punishing me, but Holly wasn't angry.Five minutes was about her limit. "Besides, I still owe you an explanation." I added a sentence as a gesture of goodwill.

Curiosity really works.After a while, a few centimeters back from the pillow, a suspicious little face appeared.I said, "I apologize once, I apologize twice, I apologize three times, I apologize from the bottom of my heart, and I put a cherry on top." Holly sighed, sat up and brushed the hair from her face, but still didn't look at me. "What happened?" "You remember when I told you that Aunt Jackie was in trouble?" "Remember." "Someone died, baby, someone she and I knew a long time ago." "Who?" "A girl named Rosie."

"Why did she die?" "We didn't know. She died long before you were born, but we only found out last Friday night. Everyone was very disturbed. Can you understand why I went to Aunt Jackie?" One shoulder shrugged slightly. "Maybe." "Does that mean we can continue the good times we didn't have over the weekend?" Holly said, "I decided to go to Sarah's instead." "Girl," I said, "I'm begging you. It would mean a lot if I could do it all over again this weekend. Go back to the beginning, Friday evening, play as much as you can before I bring you home tonight, Play as much as you can. Let's pretend none of this happened." I watched her blink her eyelashes, give me a quick glance, but said nothing.

"I know it's a lot to ask for, and I know that I may not be qualified, but people should let others breathe once in a while, so that everyone can live. Will you do this for me?" Holly thought for a moment. "If something happens again, do you have to go back again?" "No, sweetheart, there are two or three police detectives dealing with it now. No matter what happens, they will be called back. It has nothing to do with me anymore, okay?" Soon Holly nudged her head against my arm like a cat. "Dad," she said, "I'm sorry your friend died."

I reached out and stroked her hair. "Thanks, baby. I don't want to lie to you, I had a terrible weekend, but it's starting to get better." The doorbell rang downstairs and I asked, "Are you waiting for someone?" Holly shrugged, and I adjusted my expression to scare Demer, but it was a woman's voice.Jackie. "Hey, hello, Olivia, it's really cold outside, isn't it?" Lier hurriedly interrupted her in a low voice, there was a moment of silence, then the kitchen door was gently closed, and then the two of them shared the latest news whispers.

"It's Aunt Jackie! Can she come with us?" "Of course." I said.I tried to lift Holly out of bed, but she slipped under my elbow, rushed to the closet and started rummaging through the stacks of pink clothes, looking for the cardigan she had in mind. Jackie and Holly are as good as a house on fire.I didn't expect Jackie and Lil to do the same, which made me feel a little overwhelmed-men don't want women around them to get too close, lest they exchange information.Lier and I had known each other for a long time before we introduced her to Jieqi. I didn't know if I should be ashamed or scared, because I did think that if Jackie went against my middle-class friends and walked out of my life, I would be much more relieved.I like Jackie very much, very much, but I have a natural instinct to detect people's weaknesses, including my own.

In the first eight years after I left home, I never took a step near the danger zone. I only thought of my family once a year, that is, when I saw a woman who looked like my mother on the road, I immediately wanted to take cover.That's how I live, and it's fine.But in such a small town, this good thing won't last long. Jackie and I were able to meet again thanks to an unqualified exhibitionist who picked the wrong partner.This idiot jumped out of the alley, took out his dick and started to fiddle with it. Unexpectedly, Jie Qi not only laughed, but also kicked him there, making him unable to lift his head from now on.Jackie was seventeen and had just moved out of our house, and I was trying to get my way into the undercover squad by solving sex crimes.Since there were two rape cases in my hometown, the superior asked someone to take a record for Jieqi. It wasn't something I needed to do, and in fact I shouldn't have to: the police don't touch their own family cases, and I knew it when I saw "Jackie Mackey" on the complaint.Half the population in Dublin is called Jackie and the other half Mackey, but I doubt anyone other than my parents has the genius to combine the two names into "Jackie Mackey". I can honestly report to my superiors, let others do the transcript, and listen to how she describes the inferiority complex of that idiot, so that I will never have to think about my family, the place of loyalty, and the mysterious case in my life. But I'm curious.Jackie was nine years old when I ran away from home. It wasn't her fault, and she was such a good kid. I'd love to see what she's become now.In a nutshell, I was like: Hey, what's wrong with me doing this?My mistake was that I thought the answer was obvious. "Let's go," I said, finding Holly and tossing her another shoe, "we'll take your Aunt Jackie for a drive and eat the pizza I promised you on Friday night." One of the many benefits of a divorce is that I no longer have to walk in Daisy on Sundays and nod to the serge-clad neighbor couple, knowing they think my accent will only bring down housing prices in the neighborhood.Holly liked the swing at Herbert Park - horses, and something to do with Robin Hood, as far as I could tell from what she was muttering as she swung around - so we took her there. The weather turned clear and cold, with a moderate amount of frost, and many single dads apparently thought the same thing as me, and some even brought their girlfriends out to show off.With Jackie by my side and her fake leopard coat, I fit right in. Holly started swinging, and Jackie and I found a bench where we could watch her.Watching Holly swing is the best therapy I know in the world.This child is very strong, with her such a small body, she can swing for hours without getting tired, and I can also watch her all the time, happily indulging in her swing.I felt my shoulders relax and realized how tight they were before.I took a few deep breaths and wondered how I would control my blood pressure when Holly was too old to come to the playground. Jackie said, "Holy shit, has she grown another foot since the last time I saw her? She'll be taller than me soon." "As soon as she mentions a boy's name and starts shy and doesn't giggle, I'm going to lock her in the room until she's eighteen. I'm ready to do it anytime." I stretched my legs, put my head in my hands, Facing the faint sunlight, I wish I could spend the whole afternoon like this.My shoulders loosened a few more inches. "Just wait, kids these days start early." "An exception is Holly. I told her boys don't control their bowels until they're twenty." Jackie smiled. "So she will only look for bigger ones." "The older one knows her dad has a revolver." Jackie said, "Honestly, Franco, are you okay?" "As long as the hangover passes. Do you have an aspirin?" She rummages in the purse. "No, a little headache is good for you, so you'll be more careful next time you drink. That's not what I'm asking, I'm asking... You know, after what happened yesterday, how are you doing? And last night." "As a man, how can I not be happy here in the park with two lovely ladies?" "You're right, Shay is a big bastard, and he shouldn't have said that about Rosie anyway." "Anyway, I can't hurt her now." "I don't think he ever approached or touched her, certainly not, it wouldn't be like that. He was just trying to piss you off." "Yes, Holmes, it's just that dogs can't get rid of shit." "He's not usually like that. I'm not saying he's been a saint lately, but he's a lot more stable now than he was when you knew him. He just...he just doesn't know how to deal with you coming back, you know what I mean ?” I said, "Don't worry baby, really. Do me a favor and leave it alone and just enjoy the sun and see how cute my baby is, okay?" Jackie smiled. "Okay," she said, "that's it." Holly was conscientious, and I couldn't ask for more beauty than I could ask for: a few locks of hair loose from her ponytail, glowing red and golden in the sun, while she hummed a happy tune to herself.Her body swayed neatly, and her legs were skillfully bent and straightened.I look at her and feel the sun slowly seeping into me, relaxing my muscles, as good as a high-grade marijuana. "She has finished her homework," I said after a while, "do you want to go to the movies after dinner?" "No, I have to go home." The four of them lived up to their weekly nightmares: Sunday nights with Mom and Dad over roast beef and tri-color ice cream.It's fun and fun until someone goes crazy.I said to Jackie, "Then go back later and be more rebellious." "I told them I was going into town and had a drink with Lao Jia before he met his buddy. If I didn't spend a little time with him, he would think I was making a fool of myself. I just came to see if you were still alive. it is good." "Call him along." "Go to a cartoon?" "Just right." "Shut up you," Jackie said calmly, "you don't appreciate Gavin." "Definitely not as good as you. Still, I doubt he would want me to appreciate him the way you do." "You're disgusting, really. I wanted to ask you, what happened to your hand?" "I went to rescue a screaming virgin and was wounded by a demonic Nazi biker." "Oh, I mean it. You didn't fall down, did you? After you parted from us? You were kind of—well, I didn't mean you were so drunk, but—" At this time, my cell phone rang, and it was the special line used by my little ghosts. "Watch Holly for me," I say, pulling the phone out of my pocket: there's no name on it, and I don't know the number. "I have to answer the phone. Hello?" I had barely stood up when I heard Kevin stammer, "Uh, Franco?" I said: "Sorry, Xiaokai, the time is wrong now." After I finished speaking, I hung up, put the phone back in my pocket and sat down again. Jieqi asked, "Is it Kevin calling?" "Ok." "You're not in the mood to talk to him, are you?" "Yes, no." She looked at me with wide eyes and sympathy. "It will get better, Franco, it will." I didn't answer. "Let me tell you," Jackie said, suddenly blissful, "after you sent Holly to the country, you came back to Mom and Dad's house with me, Shay must have woken up by then, and he must have wanted to apologize to you, Carme I'm going to take the kids——" I said, "I don't think so." "Oh, Franco, why?" "Dad, dad, dad!" Holly was the best at picking the time.She jumped off the swing and strode toward us with her knees out in front of her like she was riding a horse.She was flushed and out of breath. "I just thought, in order not to forget later, can I buy white boots? There are bristles on the edge, two zippers, the leather is very soft, the kind that is as high as here?" "You've got a lot of shoes. Last time I counted, you had three thousand and twelve pairs of shoes." "Wrong, that's not the case! This pair is different." I said, "It depends, what's the difference?" Every time Holly wants something, but it's not enough for necessities, and it's not a major holiday, I ask her to explain why, and hope she learns to distinguish needs, wants, and wantings s difference.I'm glad Holly usually comes to me for my opinion, not Lil, despite my treatment of her. "Celia Bailey has a pair." "Who's Celia? The little girl you took dance lessons with?" Holly glared at me with a "no way" look in her eyes. "Celia Bailey, she's famous." "Congratulations to her, what does she do?" Her eyes became more dazed. "She's a celebrity." "I suppose so. She's an actress?" "no." "singer?" "No!" I was obviously getting more and more idiot.A smile appeared on the corner of Jieqi's mouth, waiting for a good show. "Astronaut? Pole vaulter? French anti-German heroine?" "Dad, stop! She's on TV." "Astronauts, singers and people who make animal noises with their armpits are on TV too. What the hell does this lady do?" Holly covered her lips with her hands, wanting to scream in anger. "Celia Bailey's a model," said Jackie, deciding to reach out to save the two of us. "You must know her. Blonde, two or three years ago with a guy who owned a couple of nightclubs, and then he was flirty, She found all the emails and sold them to the "Daily Star", so it became popular." I said, "Oh, it's her." Jackie was right, I did know her.A slut from back home who specializes in sleeping with trust fund jerks, and often goes on the daytime show about how he beat cocaine, so plainly, with his eyes squinting like needles.That's the kind of guy Irish stars are these days. "Holly, honey, she's not a celebrity, she's an asshole with too small clothes and an empty head. What has she done worth doing?" shrug. "What's her specialty?" Shrugged angrily. "Then what exactly does she do? Why do you want to imitate her?" Roll eyes. "She is very pretty." "Jesus," I was completely petrified. "There is no part of the woman's body that is the same color as before, let alone her figure. She doesn't look human at all." Holly was furious, miserable and bewildered. "Aunt Jackie said it! She's a model!" "She's not even a model, she's only been on a goddamn yogurt poster, that's different." "She's a star!" "Nope. Katharine Hepburn is a star, Bruce Springsteen is a star, and this chick named Celia is an ass. Keep telling people she's a star, and get some idiots in town to believe she is, doesn't mean She really is, and it doesn't mean you have to become an idiot." Holly blushed and raised her chin to fight, but she insisted on keeping her temper down. "I don't care, I just want white boots, can't I?" I know I'm getting mad, but I just can't help it. "No, as long as you start worshiping celebrities who are really doing things, you think about it, I guarantee that I will buy you everything in her wardrobe. But unless I die, don't expect me to spend money and time Turning you into an idiot who thinks that the highest value in life is to sell your wedding photos to magazines." "I hate you!" Holly yelled. "You're an idiot who doesn't know anything. I hate you!" Watch out for pain in your feet.Someone took her swing and Holly crossed her legs angrily and stamped her feet hard. After a while, Jackie said, "My God, Franco, I'm not going to tell you how to raise a child. I have no idea, but do you have to?" "Crap, of course. Do you think I ruined my daughter's afternoon just for the fun of it?" "She just wants a pair of boots. What difference does it make where she sees them? That Celia Bailey is kind of stupid, God bless her, but it doesn't hurt anyone." "No wonder. What's wrong with the world, you can find it in Celia Bailey. If she doesn't hurt, neither can a cyanide sandwich." "Oh, come on, Mr. Cop. What's the big deal? In less than a month, Holly will forget about her completely and start crazy about some girl band—" "It's not a trivial matter, Jackie. I want Holly to understand that truth is not the same as bullshit or nonsense. People around her teach her every day that truth is 100% subjective: just believe that you are a star , even if you are tone-deaf, you should make a record; as long as you believe in weapons of mass destruction, it doesn't matter whether the weapons exist; fame is everything, because you don't exist without everyone's attention. And I hope my daughter Learn one thing, not everything in the world is worth as much as how often you hear it, or hope it's true, or how many people pay attention to it. In this world, if a thing is true, it's There has to be content. I bet she would never learn that from anywhere else, so I have to do it myself. If she resists now and then, I don't care." Jieqi raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. "You're so right," she said, "I reckon I'd better keep my mouth shut." We both keep our mouths shut.Holly stepped onto another swing and began twisting the chains in laborious circles. "Shay's right about one thing," I said, "would adore Celia, Bailey's country is absolutely doomed." Jieqi snorted, "Don't do it again." "I haven't. If you ask me, I'd say it's probably not a bad thing to be finished." "My God, Franco!" "I'm raising kids, Jackie, and that alone would scare any normal person into a coma, and she's in an environment where she's told every day that nothing matters but popularity, fame, and fat, and never mind the man who manipulates you , go out and buy beautiful things...I'm terrified, always have been. When she was little, I could handle it, but every day she grows up, and I'm getting more and more scared. Maybe I'm crazy, but I really I really wish she had been born in a different country, and people occasionally only care about the most important thing, not 'no big drive' and Paris Hilton." A playful smile appeared on the corner of Jackie's mouth and said, "You know who you sound like, Shay." "Damn it. I'll blow my own head off if I believe you." She gave me a misunderstood look. "I know what's wrong with you," she said to me. "You had a bad drink last night and you broke your bowels. That kind of thing always puts men in a bad mood, am I right?" My phone rang again: Kevin.I said, "Please shit." The tone was worse than I thought.Giving him a number seemed reasonable at the time, but just give my family an inch and they'll ask for a foot, and they'll move into your house and start redecorating.I can't even turn off my phone because at any moment someone might need me on the street. "If Xiao Kai is always so ignorant, it's perfectly normal that he can't get a girlfriend." Jackie patted my arm to comfort me and said, "Leave him alone, just let him ring. I'll ask him at night if he has anything important to do." "No thanks." "I guess he just wanted to know when you could see each other again." "I don't know how to make it clear to you, Jackie, that my mom doesn't give a damn what Kevin thinks. Even if you're right and he just wants to know when we meet, you can tell him it's me Yes, with all my love: never see you again. Okay?" "Oh, Franco, shut up, you know that's not what you mean." "I am, trust me Jackie, I really mean it." "He's your brother." "And as far as I know, he's a great guy, and there must be a lot of friends and acquaintances who like him, but I'm not. The only connection I have with Kevin is a natural accident that brought us together under one roof for a few years. We don't live together now, he has nothing to do with me, like the guy on the bench. Carmel too, Shay too, Mom and Dad definitely more. We don't know each other, don't I have searched all over the world created by God, but I can't find any reason why we should meet, drink tea and eat biscuits together." Jackie said, "Don't be so hysterical, okay? You know it's not that simple." The phone rang again. "No wonder," I said, "it's as simple as that." She poked the fallen leaves with the toe of her shoe, waited for the phone to stop beeping, and then said, "You blamed us for being dumped by Rosie yesterday." I took a deep breath and said slowly, "I don't blame you, baby, you were still doing diapers." "So you don't mind meeting me?" I said, "I don't think you even remember that night." "I asked Carmel yesterday, in our... I only remember a little bit. All the past will be mixed together, you should have experience." I said, "It was different that time, I remember it clearly." It was almost three o'clock in the morning when my friend Weggy came back to the parking lot after working at the nightclub, gave me my money, and continued to work.I was walking home with only a few Saturday drunks staggering and shouting.I whistled softly, fantasized about my elopement tomorrow, felt sorry for all the men in the world, sorry that they were not me.I floated round the corner into the place of allegiance, as if walking on clouds. I knew something was wrong when I thought about it with my toes.Half the windows on the street were brightly lit, including my house.As long as you stand at the end of the road and listen carefully, you can hear the whispers in the room, the words are hurried and full of excitement. My front door has new dents and scratches, and the living room has a kitchen chair upside down against the wall with the legs crooked and cracked.Carmel, in faded patterned pajamas and a coat, knelt on the ground with a broom and dustpan to sweep up broken china, but her hands shook so badly that the debris fell out after sweeping. Panting, my mother sat on the corner of the sofa, patted her chapped lips with a wet face towel.Jackie curled up on the other side of the sofa wrapped in a blanket, her thumb in her mouth.Kevin sits in an armchair biting his nails, his eyes blank.Shay was standing against the wall with his hands in his pockets, his feet tiptoed back and forth, bright white circles around his eyes, like a trapped animal, his nostrils flared angrily.He has an extra beautiful dark circle.I heard Dad gasping and growling in the kitchen, throwing up over the sink. I said, "What's going on?" Everyone was startled, five pairs of eyes turned to look at me, wide and round, without blinking, completely expressionless.Carmel is crying. "You really pick your time," Shay said. No one else said anything.After a while, I took the broom and dustpan from Carmel, gently led her to the sofa, sat between Mom and Jackie, and started cleaning.After a long time, the noise in the kitchen turned into snoring, and Shay walked in quietly, taking out all the sharp knives.We didn't close our eyes that night. Someone throws my dad his black job of the week: four days of plaster work, without having to let the unemployment office know.He took the money he earned to the bar and drank as much as he wanted.Alcohol made Dad feel sorry for himself, and self-pity made him merciless.He staggered back to the Loyalty, barged at Daly's door and yelled for Matt Daly to come out and fight him, only this time he did it harder and started banging on the door.He couldn't knock it away, like a battered old car, so he took off one of his shoes and started throwing it repeatedly at the Daly's window.That's when Mom and Shay arrived and started pulling him home. Usually Dad knows the situation well enough to know that the night is over here.But that night, he still had a stomach full of fire.People all over the street, including Kevin and Jackie, were standing by the window, listening to him yelling at my mother as a slut, Shay as a useless idiot, and Carmel, who came to help, as a bitch.My mother called him a waste, a beast, and prayed that he would die wailing and go to hell to rot.Dad told the three of them to let go immediately, or he'd cut their throats with a knife when they fell asleep at night.He yelled and beat the three of them with all his might. None of this is surprising.The difference is that he used to only get mad at home, and breaking that boundary was like letting go of the brakes and slamming on the gas."He's gotten worse," Carmel whispered in blunt indifference. No one looked at her. Kevin and Jackie were screaming at the window for Dad to stop, Shay yelled at them to come in, Mom yelled loudly that it was their fault that Dad was drinking, and Dad yelled at them for waiting until he came upstairs.Later, someone called (only the Harrison sisters had a phone on the whole street) and called the police.In those days, calling the police was as taboo as giving heroin to a child or cursing a priest.But my family drove the Harrison sisters so hard they had to call the police. Mom and Carmel begged the police not to take Dad away—because of the embarrassment—and they were willing to cooperate.For many police officers at the time, domestic violence was like destroying things in one's own home. Although it was stupid, it might not be called a crime.They dragged Dad upstairs and threw him into the kitchen before leaving. Jackie said, "It was a bad day, yes." I said, "I think it was that day that Rosie made up her mind. Growing up, her father kept warning her that the Mackeys were a bunch of mean, dirty savages, but she ignored them, fell in love with me, and I told myself I was different. As a result, just as she was about to hand over her life to me in a few hours, and when all the tiny doubts in her heart swelled a thousand times, the Mackey family came out and showed Rosie herself that she was old. Dad's argument. Putting on a bad show in front of all the neighbors, yelling, yelling and yelling, like a bunch of angel-pilled uglies out there dog-eat-dog. She's gonna wonder what I'm like in the house, she's gotta be skeptical Am I the same as them, and will my hidden character surface soon.” "So you left anyway, even without her." I said, "I guess I'll have to fend for myself." "I used to think about that, and wonder why you didn't come home." "If I had money, I would have jumped on a plane and headed straight to Australia, the farther away from here the better." Jackie asked, "Are you still blaming them? Or just talking drunk? I mean last night." "Yeah," I said, "I blame them, all of them. Maybe it's not fair, but life's just being an old bitch sometimes." My phone beeped, it was a text message.Hi Franco, I'm Kay, I don't mean to bother you, I know you're busy, but can you call me back?Let's chat, thanks.I delete it directly. Jackie said, "But what if she didn't dump you? What if that wasn't the case?" I don't have the answers, I don't even quite understand the questions, and it feels decades too late to find them.Seeing that I ignored it, she shrugged and began to put on lipstick.I watched Holly twirling wildly with the untied chains of the swing set, careful to keep my thoughts only on whether she should add a scarf, how long it would take her to get over food, and what kind of pizza would I like.