Chapter 43 Chapter Forty-Two

I often feel like I must have done something bad in my previous life for these horrible things to happen to me.Before I was twenty-two, my life seemed to be smooth sailing, loved by my parents, got good grades, had a bunch of friends, and all the boys I liked seemed to like me too.Even in college, life is sweet.I had to study hard, but I enjoyed it and the fun times.I want to be involved in all the activities and get as many experiences as possible.I am fearless and nothing bothers me. Finding out I was pregnant with Jasmine was not really part of the plan, but Danash and I were so in love that our last two years in college were inseparable.When we decided to live together, I thought we would be happy forever for the rest of our lives.How naive was my thought at the time?

Things started to turn sour when Samir arrived from Iran to talk to Dhanash about his family responsibilities.Samir was sent by his parents to convince Dan to go home and marry his cousin, something his parents had been planning.I was terrified and couldn't lose Dan, he meant everything to me.But I could see that he was shaken, not because he didn't love me, but because he respected his parents very much.I remember the pain on his face when he said he would lose me or his family, what a terrible choice it was. I knew how hard it was for him to make the choice, but instead of helping him, I added fuel to the fire.I yelled at him and told him what he would lose if he left me.He was going to lose his true love, give up his life as an engineer in the West--what he had always wanted most--and go back to Iran.It was also a place he loved dearly, but at the time he was ready to give it up, for me.

I can't believe I'm doing that.Samir was putting pressure on Dan, and I was putting more pressure on him because I wanted him so badly. Samir took advantage of my weakness.He taunted me for being selfish and made me feel like an ignorant child.He is not a few years older than us, but he is already a qualified doctor.I was like a spoiled child who never had anything and was determined not to fail that time.What would that young me think if she could see what I am now? I can't lose Dan, but don't know what to do to keep him.I tried to make him jealous and even used his own brother to make him realize how much he loved me.Samir also pretended to cooperate with me, and he didn't tell me until later that it wasn't because he was attracted to me, but just to prove to his brother what a shallow person I was.My actions at the time were driving Dan away, and I knew it, but I just couldn't stop.

I tried to excuse my behavior by saying it was because I was in love and love was more important than anything.But now I realize it's been so easy all this time, I haven't tried to fail. Then a miracle happened.I found out I was pregnant, which felt like a big win, but it wasn't what I had planned.Even the young and naive me knew that it was one thing to try to convince Dan to stay with me, but quite another to intentionally force him with pregnancy. But Dan did stay with me, and I knew he would.Samir had returned to Iran to report to his parents when my pregnancy was confirmed, and as soon as we confirmed the news, Dan told him and Samir had to come to terms with things that were out of his control.I know what he's going to think - I planned that and he'll resent me.But I don't care.I won, or so I thought.

The day Dan left, I felt as if my life was over, and if it wasn't for Jasmine, I don't know why I would.Dan has given birth to my beautiful daughter and seems to love me as much as ever, as passionately and caringly as ever, but I still often see him pondering his self-imposed exile from the family. I remember every minute of the day I lost him.It was November 6th, and I took my daughter outside to experience the special atmosphere of "morning after campfire night" that I remember from my childhood.On that day of every year, the dawn seems to be accompanied by thin smoke lingering on the countless bonfires in the back gardens of each house. The mist, the smell of burnt wood and the faint smell of burnt fireworks filled the day with a unique aroma.And there's always a surprise to be found on the lawn—the empty husk of a firework, or a blackened fairy wand someone threw over a fence.

But that day I was disappointed.It was dawn as usual in that suburban student housing complex, and the only new thing to find on the lawn was an empty beer can that someone must have discarded on the way home the night before.I took a deep breath, and as usual in the morning, all I could smell was exhaust and the occasional smell of burnt bread. Little did I know at the time that that day was unlike any other, that my world fell apart because Danash didn't come home that night and disappeared from my life. Now I know the truth.I knew why he left, but the pain didn't lessen. In the months after losing him, life seemed as bad as it could possibly be.The parents weren't very fond of Dan in the first place, and his disappearance only strengthened their point of view.Their lives follow the rules.When I yelled that they never understood Dan's love for me, I saw Mom suck her lips and look at Dad, like, "We knew this was going to happen."

It wasn't that they didn't like Dan, they just didn't approve of him being my "living-in partner," as my mother called him.They don't think international marriages can be successful, not because he is Iranian, but because he is a Muslim.At least in their eyes, I am a Christian. When Dan disappeared, I thought religion was getting him into trouble.Perhaps he was mistaken for a terrorist, taken to an abandoned warehouse and beaten.But I got a message from him the day after he left saying he was sorry.Police traced the mobile phone signal to Heathrow Airport, where he bought a one-way ticket to Australia.

It seemed he didn't want me anymore, and he didn't want his family anymore. Although my parents were reluctant to approve of my love with Dan, they did everything they could to help me.They knew I was very depressed and worried about my granddaughter.I thought I was getting used to the arrival of our little one, and for the first two months we were as happy as any other young family.Yes, I was tired and so was Dan, but we didn't care, that was where my dream started.After Dan disappeared, I tried to focus on Jaz's needs, and even though I routinely nursed and changed her, there were times when I was so tired and worn out that I could barely get up at night to do them for her.

I had no choice but to sell the apartment and live with my parents, it didn't fit my ideal life at all, but what else could I do?Every day my mother's "brace yourself" decree, or my father's "it's not too bad" statement drives me crazy, and I know it.I love my parents deeply, but they have not experienced any ups and downs, and their lives have been peaceful. Once again I made the wrong choice.If I had been stronger then, the wheel of fortune might have turned again and stopped in a new place.But at the time I was vulnerable and made an easy choice. The apartment sold on the first day it was listed.

The buyer was Robert Brooks.