Chapter 46 Chapter Four

The name of Feiming is the year of the orange, and it comes from the old proverb "good at observing non-ming, being able to observe but not observing is called Ming; winning is not brave, being able to win and invincible is called brave".A long, long time ago, Ju Nian used this sentence to enlighten a pale young man with gloomy eyebrows. In fact, she has always tried to use this as her life motto. confused.Later, she thought about it for a long time, and felt that most of these creeds did not belong to the wise, but more to the self-comfort of the weak.Ju Nian has always thought that he is just this kind of cowardly person, but because of this cowardice, it is probably better not to understand many things too clearly.

Is the other side of black white?Is the flip side of love hate?Is the other side of death life?It sounds like a mess.The first thing Ju Nian did after she was released from prison was to try her best to find the place where Wu Yu was buried. This was the only hope that supported her to spend the long night in prison. The power of the model female prisoner, go out quickly, and return to him even if he is buried deep in the ground.She didn't know what the meaning of that glance was, but it minimized the suffering in the high wall. It was a rainy day when she was released from prison, and the inmates inside and the familiar prison guards all said their blessings to her: the rain can wash away all the dust and filth of the past, and herald a new life.But Ju Nian, wearing the suit that Cai Yilin gave her last when she was imprisoned, walked slowly out of the rusty iron gate of Changping Women's Prison. There was no one outside except the rain curtain that connected the sky and the earth.She didn't know where the road was, maybe she could only blame the rain for covering her eyes.

Her parents have long disowned her as a daughter, and she can't go home.The only person in the world who will care about her is sleeping quietly somewhere, waiting for her visit.With the certificate of release from prison and the 262 yuan earned in exchange for work points in prison, Ju Nian couldn't find the bus line back to the city, so he had to reach out and stop the occasional passing taxi over and over again.Those vehicles whizzed past her without exception, and water droplets merged from the end of her short hair into countless winding streams.After her anxiety passed, she gradually felt that it was absurd. Which driver would stop to pick up a drenched woman at the prison gate?

The world is infinitely large and desolate, but there is no safe place for a person. At this time, Ju Nian saw the woman hurriedly approaching with an umbrella in the rain. It's Pingfeng.She was wearing the most gaudy red dress, burning like a fire in the rain, with sweat on her forehead, and she said casually: "It's late, the guy who picked up at the end, it's like a chicken blood, I'm fucking... ..." Those vulgar words spit out smoothly from the corners of Pingfeng's delicate mouth, and Ju Nian embraced the real warm breath of this world after being taken aback for a moment.

For a period of time after that, Ju Nian has been temporarily living in a small and messy rental house in Pingfeng.Ping Feng was released from prison half a year ago, and without any accidents, he returned to his old job to make a living.She seldom spoke heartfelt words to Ju Nian, she was always very busy.At that time, Ju Nian was struggling to find a job, and her limited money soon ran out. She knew that without Pingfeng, she would not be able to survive those days.Ju Nian can't do anything else except keep the Pingfeng kennel-like rental house in order in his spare time. Pingfeng is young, beautiful, and enchanting. She is considered the top among her peers, and her business is always good. She is usually away at night. For the sake of the New Year, she never brings "guests" back to her residence.With the support of Ping Feng, Ju Nian also spared no effort to inquire about the whereabouts of Wu Yu's body, traveled to many places, looked at many faces, and finally got what he wanted.

It was basically consistent with what Chen Jiejie knew, because Wu Yu was buried in the outskirts of the city by the government because no one claimed her.In the eyes of Ju Nian, it was a blessing that he was not sent to the medical school laboratory like some death row inmates.Based on the general identification of the insider, Ju Nian vaguely found that desolate place.Due to the long distance, it was almost dusk when we arrived. Standing in front of the weeds, facing the direction of the setting sun, Ju Nian could barely open his eyes due to the last glare of the afterglow.For a long time, her heart was full of chaos, and she couldn't tell whether everything in front of her was real or illusory.From one edge of the city to another, from a forgotten corner to another, is this Wu Yu's life?Is he really the silent person inside?

Ju Nian stood until his feet were numb, and then left under Ping Feng's urging.Before leaving, she numbly buried the "best loquat leaf" given to her by Wu Yu in her sophomore year in high school.As he said, pomegranate and loquat, Wu Yu and orange year.Let this familiar breath accompany the long-sleeping person. Surprisingly, during the whole process, Ju Nian did not shed a tear. Not only was Pingfeng worried that she would get sick, she also thought that she would collapse at this moment, but no, nothing.She didn't even forget to cry because of the heartache, but she just felt dazed and unfamiliar, and she completed a long-awaited ritual as numbly as if she had no emotion.Is the eternal parting and years of loneliness in the high wall blunted the deep-seated missing?

Pingfeng chewed gum and walked back with Ju Nian, but her eyes were not without worry. Ju Nian's calmness and indifference made her feel a little creepy, until she walked out of the cemetery, she just breathed a sigh of relief, the person who had been by her side all the time But the year of the orange stopped. Ju Nian rushed back to where he was before as if he couldn't hear Pingfeng's call. Without saying a word, he bent down and pulled out the loose soil with both hands.Pingfeng was taken aback, afraid that Ju Nian would do something amazing, but Ju Nian just dug out the withered yellow leaf that was buried not long ago from the soil.

"What's wrong with you." Ping Feng asked while holding Ju Nian on his arm. Ju Nian held the leaf, and suddenly smiled at Ping Feng, she said: "I'm so stupid, how could Wu Yu be here." Yes, how could Wu Yu be here?How could the dead bones under the loess be the young monk of Ju Nian.Whether he was buried or cremated, even if he was dissected to pieces in the laboratory of the hospital, it was not him, it was just a discarded body. "But they clearly said...then where is he?" Ju Nian smiled and said nothing, and pulled Pingfeng away. She didn't say anything because she was afraid that Pingfeng would think she was crazy.But she knew that she was sober, and she had never been so sober since she watched Wu Yu stepping into the air in front of her.

Her little monk never died, she was always there, but he watched her from an invisible place, just like the day he left his aunt's house, he watched Ju Nian leave under the pomegranate tree.He didn't speak, refused to look at her, maybe he just took a nap, one day, he would open his eyes, turn around in the gentle flower language, and smile at her brightly. The worries are over, and the reality is in front of us. If we want to survive, we must find a place to make a living.Whether you want to admit it or not, those three years in prison were an obstacle for Ju Nian to earn a living. You can say you don't care, but you can't pretend it doesn't exist.There are so many job seekers like crucian carp crossing the river, and employers are not willing to choose someone with a more innocent worth.

At the time of the most despair, Ju Nian, who was already well-known for being optimistic enough, also fell into a long silence in the exhaustion of disappointment.After all, she is not the lucky one who fell to the bottom of the fantasy world and learned peerless martial arts. On the contrary, she has nothing and is so ordinary. Pingfeng came back at dawn, and without taking off her shoes, she lay down beside Ju Nian on her back, knowing that the people around her couldn't sleep. "or……" "No, Pingfeng, no..." Ju Nian flatly rejected the suggestion before Pingfeng hesitantly said it. She hurriedly realized that she was not strict with justice, but how afraid she was of being shaken. Ping Feng was silent for a while, and then let out a faint sneer. "That's right, of course you say no, you are different from me. I am dirty, but you are clean. I shouldn't drag you into the quagmire." Ju Nian couldn't hear the ridicule in Pingfeng's words, she turned sideways. "Dirty, clean? What's the difference between me and you, but we are dirtier than anyone else. Pingfeng, I just think, there are always other choices, there must be." She tried to make her words sound less unpleasant Be sure, this is what I said to Pingfeng, and I also said it to myself. "Pingfeng, maybe we all have another way out." "Really. I'm sleepy..." Pingfeng didn't speak any more, she seemed to have fallen into a deep sleep, and Ju Nian closed her eyes in silence.Yet one same question still seems to linger. Will there be other options and ways out? Maybe there is, this "outlet" is not worth mentioning to those who are used to the broad road, but in the eyes of those who need it, it is enough to get a piece of life.It was all thanks to his good performance in prison over the past few years. A person in charge of the Changping Women's Prison came forward to help after learning about Ju Nian's predicament after he was released from prison, and finally found a job for Ju Nian in an orphanage in this city. Although the monthly income of odd jobs is not much, it is enough to make ends meet.Apart from being grateful for Ju Nian, hard work is naturally a no-brainer. An orphanage is a place of care and a place of abandonment.There are old people with no one to depend on, children who have lost their parents after a few years, Ju Nian assists the staff in the hospital, cleans up the house every day, washes the sheets, is busy, but no one cares too much about her past.She was only afraid of the eyes of those dying old people, and even more afraid of those abandoned children who left and came again. Every time she saw those small figures, she couldn't help herself to think of the children Chen Jiejie said would never be seen again. However, the arrangement of fate has its own wonders.After working in the municipal orphanage for more than half a year, one afternoon, she was mopping the floor of the corridor when she overheard a poor child mentioned by the nurses in the courtyard and caring people from outside.It was a girl, three years old, whose parents were said to be unknown, and who had been adopted since birth.When the child was about two years old, the adoptive parents found that she suddenly developed symptoms of bruising on the cheeks and convulsions in the hands and feet during the feeding process. At first they thought it was accidental ingestion and suffocation, and they were diagnosed with congenital epilepsy after being sent to the hospital.The adoptive parents were shocked when they learned about it, and took their children to various hospitals for treatment many times, but they were told that there is still no effective medical treatment.Although the disease does not occur frequently, as long as it exists for a day, it is tantamount to a time bomb exploding at any time.Since their own family circumstances were not very good, the adoptive parents flinched after careful consideration, and sent the girl back to the orphanage despite their reluctance.Later, although there were couples who wanted to have children who had planned to adopt, they all retreated when they heard about the disease. Ju Nian didn't know how many times she dragged that corridor that afternoon, from one end to that end, and started all over again.It wasn't until the dean walked by and kindly reminded: "Xiao Xie, this floor is already so bright that people can be seen." She stopped, and only then did she realize that she was very tired. A three-year-old abandoned child suffering from epilepsy. Ju Nian said to himself, in the half year in the orphanage, haven't I seen enough poor examples? What does this have to do with me?But after putting away the cleaning tools in her hand, somehow, she walked to the children's activity room in the afternoon. At that time, there happened to be a man and a woman who planned to adopt orphans. The staff in the yard organized all the toddler children to form a semicircle and sing nursery rhymes, waiting for selection.No one gave Ju Nian any guidance or hints, she saw a child from a distance, she was the smallest in that semicircle, with thinning hair, thin and weak, if it wasn't for the color of the clothes on her body, the gender could hardly be identified, she followed The other children clapped their hands and sang, hitting the wrong beat from time to time, and their eyes showed the usual emptiness of the children here. The young couple ended up choosing an 8-month-old baby, who doesn't have much memory and is easier to raise.The unselected children dispersed one after another, some chased and played, and some played their own way. Ju Nian grabbed the staff member who was taking care of the child, pointed to the child hesitantly and asked, "Sister Wang, is that epilepsy...a child whose epilepsy was returned?" The woman called Sister Wang nodded, and her words were full of pity: "It's also poor, the child who is more than three years old looks about the same as two years old, and she is a girl again." Ju Nian didn't know how he came to the child. The child sat on a small wooden stool, didn't speak, and stared straight at him with a pair of eyes that were so big that they seemed to take up too much space on a small face. look at the people around you. Ju Nian's outstretched hand was trembling all the time, and for countless moments, she was convincing herself to avoid such a touch, just like back then, when she was pushing a dilapidated bicycle and galloping happily in the wind, don't look back, Don't look back, without the beginning, there will be no ending. Now, how many shocking waves have gradually calmed down, she no longer dreams of her slowly opening palm in the blood light every night, where did the hand that took her go, she can't hold anything, only the lonely palm pattern. Is it this kid?Is it the child who changed half of her life but never met? Ju Nian's hand fell on the child's thin and limp hair, but the child didn't move, just looked at her.The eyes are strange. Ju Nian put his hand down between the child's brows, covering those eyes, and the girl's thin lips finally had familiar traces, as if it was such a lip that said: "No matter where I go, I will remember to follow you!" You say goodbye." Goodbye, goodbye, just like before? Ju Nian gritted his teeth, but the tears had their weight and fell down hard.The tears seemed to drip into the dry and cracked land, and were swallowed instantly, but awakened the memory of the long drought, and felt the unspeakable pain, which could no longer be concealed.Ju Nian squatted in front of the child who didn't understand anything, crying silently. She had never shed tears so freely. If everything was true, half of this child would be her robbery, and the other half would be her soul. . The child felt something strange, turned his head sideways, and dodged Ju Nian's hand covering her eyes. "Auntie, I'll sing for you." The child obviously misunderstood.Like all the children here, she instinctively longs for an adopter to take her away. These days, she has met many adults who come to choose children. The aunt in the yard said that as long as they are good enough, there will be New mom and dad.She has been the best, but no one picks her.She also thought that the young aunt squatting in front of her was also an adopter, and she was clumsily trying to show the adopter. Ju Nian shook his head. "Auntie, can you take me away?" Although the children in the orphanage have no worries about food and clothing, they are definitely not growing up in a warm flower room, and there is no one who does not want to leave. Ju Nian felt a chill in her heart when she heard the words, and then woke up from the colorful bubble she gave herself.She is a person who believes in her feelings and destiny, but whoever said that this child must be Wu Yu's flesh and blood, there are countless people in the world suffering from the same serious diseases as her, not to mention, how can she be sure that his child must be unfortunately inherited from these diseases? , and was sent to her side by fate by coincidence?She is not a saint, what can she do to take care of a child?Even if this is really Wu Yu's daughter, then the other half of the child has blood that she doesn't want to get close to, and the biological mother is no longer looking for the whereabouts of the child, why does she have to carry this burden?No, she has already memorized too much for them. Why should she pay the price for other people's absurdity? "Will you, auntie?" The child's gentle hand touched the tears on Ju Nian's cheek. Ju Nian flinched as if electrocuted, and quickly got up and fled. "No, it won't." Throughout the night, Wu Yu's face, Wu Yu's face, Chen Jiejie's face, and even Han Shu's face were repeatedly overlapped in Ju Nian's mind, overlapping into a child's face, sometimes like the child during the day, sometimes like Wu Yu, and sometimes She actually looked a bit like herself, sometimes she was a terrifying evildoer, and sometimes she was a pool of dirty blood... She wanted to scream, and waved her hands wildly in the illusion, but she couldn't touch anything. She woke up panting, sweating and cold.Pingfeng hasn't come back yet, Ye Hei is tolerant and lonely.Sitting up under the quilt, Ju Nian tried her forehead, and her breathing gradually calmed down. After a while, she found a piece of the city's evening newspaper from under her pillow. The newspaper was brought back by Pingfeng from the guest.At the bottom right of the page is a small piece of news with pictures - "The famous British oil painter Xie Sinian will hold a solo exhibition in his hometown in the near future".He once mentioned this cousin to Pingfeng in prison.Pingfeng is a caring person. "Why don't you go to him, he is your relative and rich, maybe you can make a fortune." Ping Feng said so. At that time, Ju Nian had already found a job in the orphanage. Although her income was not good, her life was getting more and more stable, so she shook her head.She was happy that Sinian's guest was back, but she didn't want to see her, except that she didn't dare or wanted to.When she was young, her cousin Sinian used to say that she was a girl with aura, and she didn't want a young woman who had been worn down by life to be mediocre or even had a terrible history to break her cousin's memory.Let the little cousin in his memory always be that well-behaved girl with a weird heart.Besides, she wants a peaceful life, and her cousin can't help her. Maybe, it's different now.From the moment he saw that child, Ju Nian's life trajectory was destined to change.She also knew that she couldn't pretend that the child didn't exist, and couldn't leave her alone in the orphanage.No reason, because if she could, she wouldn't be the Xie Ju Nian today. That is, five days later, at his art exhibition, Xie Sinian met a timid but smiling young woman—and another small figure sticking her head out from behind her. Ju Nian is still grateful to Si Nian's cousin, he is the person who has given her the most substantial help in her life, and he does not ask for anything in return.Ju Nian's parents have been out of touch with Xie Sinian for a long time, and Ju Nian himself has not seen his cousin for many years.But Xie Sinian quickly helped Ju Nian finish everything, even more than she expected. Ju Nian is unmarried and cannot legally adopt an orphan. In addition, she does not want this child to be called her mother in her own heart.Xie Sinian said that he married the one he loved, even though the one he loved was terminally ill.Due to Xie Sinian's fame and financial resources, the adoption procedures went surprisingly smoothly, and the child quickly changed his surname to "Xie". In addition, after learning about Ju Nian's current situation, Xie Sinian easily bought from his aunt and uncle who went north to do business in Ju Nian, the small courtyard that Lin Henggui took away from Wu Yu, and used it as Ju Nian's A safe haven for young people and children.After settling all this, he didn't stay for long. Just like that, Ju Nian took the child back to the place where Wu Yu was born and grew up.Ju Nian told the child that Xie Sinian was originally her father, but he accidentally lost her before, and now he finally found her. Because of his busy work, he entrusted Ju Nian, his aunt, to take care of her. The child was still too young at that time, and he didn't know how to distinguish many things, so there was no reason for unbelief.A stable life is easy to cover gray traces, not to mention that the memory before the age of three is originally vague, and it doesn't take long for the child to gradually forget the foster parents and life in the orphanage. In order to avoid suspicion, Ju Nian also resigned from his job in the orphanage. Relying on the skilled sewing skills he learned in prison, he applied for a job as a clerk in today's fabric shop.The years seem to have turned a new page since then.Ju Nian once persuaded Pingfeng to withdraw from that business as soon as possible, now is the time for her to repay Pingfeng, and Pingfeng can move here to live with her.But Pingfeng laughed off the suggestion.She said: "I've been like this all my life. You can't even talk about repaying me. You owe me a few months' rent, but I owe you my life. You can live it well." Yes, have a good time.Ju Nian leads the child and stands in the courtyard with falling loquat leaves. The past and the past are like an electric phantom. Nan Ke Yimeng, the water surface shattered by shocking stones returns to a peaceful ancient place like dust, as if nothing has ever happened. She has always been Here, always.Only the loquat tree that Wu Yu personally planted was no longer what it used to be, which made it easy for Ju Nian to think of Gui Youguang's sentence. "There is a loquat tree in the courtyard, which was planted by my wife when she died, and it is as pretty as a cover now." She knew that the desolation was hidden behind the tranquility. But why should she be miserable.Pingfeng once complained that she was stupid and adopted a child without blood relationship. What's more, it is not certain whether the child is an old person or not. There may not be such a coincidence in the world. illusion.Ju Nian didn't refute, maybe Pingfeng was right.But she named the child "Feiming".Too clear, not necessarily happy.She chooses to follow her heart. The wind blows over the low wall of the garden, and the shadows of the trees dance.I heard that this loquat tree has already produced fruit.In Ju Nian's world, he was always alone, and Wu Yu was the closest to wandering, but he never knocked on the door.Now, Ju Nian felt that he was here, that he was back, and was with her and the child, but she couldn't see him. Ju Nian spread out her palm, and the leaf Wu Yu gave her was blown to the root of the tree by the wind.Her world has never been more complete. She smiled slightly at the empty corner and closed the courtyard door.