Chapter 20 Chapter 20 Only He Can Share Her Pain

"Is it a pity that he didn't keep you?" After bidding farewell to Dr. Wu, Su Yunjin heard Cheng Zheng's ridicule as soon as she walked into the elevator. "Yes, you guessed it right." Without thinking, she walked around him. "He's right for you?" Cheng Zheng leaned against the elevator door and blocked his way with a smile, "I'm afraid he doesn't know what you want, you just want a man, that superficial How can a kiss comfort you? Why bother to pretend to be noble and refuse to tell him?" Yun Jin laughed: "It's rare that you understand me."

He walked up to her, wrapped her waist gently, and whispered in her ear: "If you just want a man, I can make it." Yun Jin couldn't muster the strength to get angry at him, so she pursed her lips and smiled in his arms: "I'm so free tonight, don't I need to accompany my girlfriend?" "You don't have to worry about this, it's not like you haven't done the third party." His words were already on her lips, and then he kissed her hard, scalding her with his unique heat. Yun Jin panted and moved her lips away from him slightly: "But what if I would rather be the third party than turn back? Cheng Zheng, we have already broken up."

Cheng Zheng put his hand on her face and said half-truthfully, "What if I say I regret it?" "But I didn't." Yun Jin said word by word, she slowly took his hand away and left, a certain part of her heart was cooling down. "You selfish and cold-blooded woman...you are not a woman at all!" Cheng Zheng scolded sharply. Yun Jin turned away from looking at him, but her chest heaved due to the rapid panting. "Yunjin, teach me how to fall in love with another person, and again and again?" He lowered his voice in the next sentence after cursing, and was infinitely sad behind her, "Really, teach me How can I be as heartless as you?"

Yun Jin turned her back to him, and said slowly: "I'll teach you, it's actually very simple, all love can be strangled, as long as you are desperate enough." "Desperation? It's been four years. I thought I would be able to forget you. I told myself that I don't want you. Without you, I no longer have to guess whether you love me or not, and I don't have to be careful for fear of losing you. I won't go Looking for you, not contacting you, not wanting to hear anything about you, until I met you on the left bank. I have thought about countless reunion scenarios, but I never thought of this... Su Yunjin, I hate you to death, I hate you even more I despise you myself, but I can’t forget you! You don’t deserve to mention despair to me. Have you ever tried to love someone and get nothing? Have you ever wanted to wait when you are most hopeless?… ..."

"But you have never tried the feeling of losing the flesh and blood in your body! That night, I have been waiting, I want to tell you when you come back, let's have a good time, because I am pregnant... I just found out that I have a child At that time, I was very scared, but slowly, the more I thought about it, the happier I became, because he belongs to you, to you and to me. But what did I wait for, I waited until you said break up, you said I don't love you!" Cheng Zheng stood in place like a clay sculpture: "Child?" His words were like talking in sleep. "Yeah, I don't love you, but I want to be so cheap, I've already broken up, I know that giving birth to him under such circumstances is the most stupid thing in the world, but I still can't bear to have him. Yu Hua said I was crazy, Xu Zhiheng also said that I am crazy. I am crazy. I gave up the training opportunity I have longed for for a long time. Regardless of whether the child’s father wants me or not, I just want to give birth to the child of the person I don’t love. But God will punish me , Two months later, I went into shock due to pain and was sent to the hospital, only to find out that it was an ectopic pregnancy. It died in my stomach when it was still an embryo. The doctor took it out. Something went wrong during the operation. , I can no longer have children."

"...I can no longer have children." Yunjin said. There was silence behind her. Why speak out?She was ready to let this past rot in her heart, and rot with her in the ground after a few years.There is no need for him to know the existence of this past, no need to know that she once sank in the dark and cold sea, watching the light gradually go out. Her child, her and his child, had only survived in her womb for dozens of days, even though he was still an unformed embryo, even though he implanted in her fallopian tube by mistake and caused her abdominal cavity to become enlarged. Bloodshed, but it was the only inseparable bond between her and him in this world.Like the feelings of its parents, it came and went wrong.

But now, without warning, she said it.She was still the same Su Yunjin who tried hard to keep the surface calm, but was easily irritated by Cheng Zheng.He said she didn't love him.After so many years, she still couldn't let go of this sentence. Yunjin couldn't predict Cheng Zheng's reaction, but she knew that it would definitely hurt him, and it hit him right away. This is the poison in her heart. Lu Lu was right, how uncomfortable it is to bury a secret in your heart.Now she finally has no secrets, and the hole in her heart is infinitely enlarged. Cheng Zheng still didn't speak.

After a long time, Yunjin heard a whimpering sound, she turned her head and saw Cheng Zheng squatting on the ground, buried his face in his knees, crying like a child. He never cried in front of her.When the two were together, one time, he hurt his leg while playing football and split his tibia. It hurt so much! Yun Jin woke up in the middle of the night and saw his distorted face covered in cold sweat.She said to him, "Cheng Zheng, if it really hurts, just cry, it will make you feel better." But he said stiffly: "I'm not a woman, a man, how can I be so ashamed?" He is such a competitive person, so even when he said the word "breakup" and watched her leave, he didn't shed tears.

Cheng Zheng doesn't like children, he himself is like a big boy most of the time, it's hard for a person of his age to really feel the feeling of a father's love.However, when Yunjin said those words, tears welled up in his heart, and there was nothing to restrain him. The child he shared with her was gone. The feeling of waiting was hopeless, and now there is nothing but grief in his heart. Yun Jin walked two steps away from him and stopped.Lowering her head, for the first time, she looked at Cheng Zheng who was as fragile as a baby from this angle, but she didn't have the desire to cry.

How wonderful, when watching him in pain, the hurt in her heart is lessening, it turns out that not only happiness needs to be shared, but also pain.Only he can share her pain, because half of it also belongs to him. When they meet again, what is his intransigence? In fact, she knows in her heart that whether he pretends to be polite and alienated or speaks harshly, he actually loves her.Cheng Zheng has always been transparent in front of her, every joy and sorrow are clearly visible. The reason why she chose to avoid it was because during these four years, she had gradually discovered the fact that Cheng Zheng was certainly immature, but her inferiority complex and cowardice and the habit of hiding herself were the biggest reasons for their separation.

Two people like her and Cheng Zheng actually don't know how to love each other. Maybe they can find their own happiness when they meet someone else at the beginning, but they just get mixed up, and the dark side of each other's personality is catalyzed by each other. There is no doubt about it. She is afraid of repeating the same mistakes. During this period, acquainted neighbors stepped into or walked out of the elevator one after another. Seeing such a strange scene of this unrelated couple, they all walked away in doubt.Seeing that Cheng Zheng was tired from crying, she buried her face in the palm of her hand, refusing to raise her head. She took a step forward and subconsciously stretched out her hand, wanting to caress his shoulder like before. She hung her hand in the air for a long time, Still took it back, and pressed the upward elevator. Cheng Zheng felt her footsteps leave, and since he stood behind her, his face was full of tears and he said, "Su Yunjin, you don't say anything, why don't you say anything! You selfish woman, why should I be the one to find you?" , and you can't come to me? It's been four years, and I've been here, but where are you?" The elevator closed slowly, also cutting off Yunjin's expression.where is she?She never got very far, she just didn't dare to look back. From that day on, Cheng Zheng disappeared from her sight, he probably moved out of this neighborhood.Yunjin's life has returned to calm, but the strange thing is that without him, her relationship with Dr. Wu has weakened instead.During the period, Dr. Wu called her twice to ask her out, and she found reasons to shirk twice, and gradually, she became inattentive. Yu Hua is right, that's the way it is between men and women nowadays, everyone is very busy, no one has time to spend too much energy on a relationship, relationships also have costs, if the costs are too high, the benefits are uncertain , who would do such a worthless thing?It is said that strong women are afraid of cuddling men, but they persevere, and where are the "clinging men" who become more and more courageous?Fortunately, women are used to it now, who can't live without it? Zhou Ziyi is divorced——Four years ago, he was in Shanghai. He drank too much late at night, drove his car on the road, and then crashed into a barrier. Not only did his beloved Porsche become a pile of scrap metal , I have basically become a dilapidated doll. After being sent to the intensive care unit of the hospital, his rich parents found him the best doctor and intensive care, and gave him the most expensive medicine and treatment, but they only visited him twice.His fiancée often calls him from abroad, but this doesn't change his situation one bit. All the former classmates also went to the hospital to see him, but Yu Hua didn't go.On the sixth day of his hospitalization, she left her intern job at hand, confessed to her supervisor, and flew to Shanghai alone to serve Zhou Ziyi in front of Zhou Ziyi's hospital bed without taking his clothes off.Zhou Ziyi felt embarrassed at the time, but he couldn't deny that he needed her in that situation. When he was in Shanghai, Yu Hua learned about Yun Jin and called her, but Yun Jin couldn't understand even on the phone.Who is Zhou Ziyi, even she can't forget the embarrassing expression on his rejection of Yu Hua in the third year of high school, even if the old things are not mentioned, at best he is just a high school classmate who doesn't get in touch very much, he has both career and love , how proud of the scenery, once in trouble, why should a person whom he regarded as a scourge at the beginning, do this for him! She is not worth it for Yu Hua, women are so stupid sometimes. In this way, Yu Hua served Zhou Ziyi for two months, until he could walk on the ground.Her professional knowledge and hard work were like a savior to him at that time.He was so dependent on her that when he woke up in the middle of the night and didn't see her by the hospital bed, he would feel anxious; if it wasn't the food she brought, he didn't even have the desire to eat it. But his injury was finally healed. On the day he was discharged from the hospital, the parents, friends, and subordinates who came to pick him up crowded the ward. He didn't even know when Yu Hua left. That night, he called Yu Hua, and he said: "Yu Hua, I am grateful to you, and I will never forget it. If one day you need me, I will do it for you no matter what happens." Mo Yuhua is so smart, but she knows that Zhou Ziyi is even more shrewd, there is a price for everything, and what he said "the wind comes and goes like fire" is the price he gave her.But she didn't need this, so she told him clearly on the phone: "I want you to do what you want, don't think too much about yourself, I went to Shanghai, not for you, but for myself. You have nothing to owe .” She relieved him, and relieved herself even more. Six months after he recovered from his illness, she received his wedding invitation.The beautiful unmarried bride finally returns from her study tour, and the lovers finally get married. So now Yu Hua said to Yun Jin: "Divorce? It has nothing to do with me when he gets married, so what does divorce have to do with me?" Of course it's easy to say something, Su Yunjin wants to say, it really doesn't matter, why do you delay the time to go abroad again and again?If not for the "no relation" man, then for whom? The nineteenth day of the ninth lunar month is the birthday of Avalokitesvara. There are many people in Lingnan who believe in Buddhism. On this day, there are many good men and women in major temples. Zheng Xiaotong is not from Lingnan, but she also believes in Buddhism. At this time of the year, she would fast, bathe and offer incense in the temple.So she came to the Six Banyan Temple early in the morning, and after offering incense, she added money to the Chang Ming Lantern at the monk's place. Before passing the Guanyin Pavilion, she looked back, those who worshiped and prayed devoutly before the Buddha were all poor people, if people's wishes were fulfilled in reality, who would pin their hopes on the nihilistic gods and Buddhas.She was not a smart child since she was a child, so she didn't have many wishes, but she felt that she was happier than most people because of it. It is not easy to identify a person in such a dense crowd and smog, but she recognized Su Yunjin, perhaps because most people bowed down and bowed, while Su Yunjin was standing; or it may be because, For an insensitive person like her, it is especially easy to recognize the few figures that catch her attention in the crowd.So she didn't think about anything and just walked over. Zheng Xiaotong stood not far behind Su Yunjin, just staring at her blankly. There were too many people coming and going, Su Yunjin didn't notice her. Su Yunjin's back is very thin, but her waist is straight.Seen from behind, she has a fair and deep side face and a graceful neck. This is the person Cheng Zheng has been in love with since he was a child. Zheng Xiaotong was not quick to react, and her thoughts were simple, but she was not a stupid person. At the dinner that day, after Su Yunjin hurriedly left with Lu Lu, Cheng Zheng began to be absent-minded, like he did most of the time when he was with her.After he sent her home, she sat on the rocking chair and rocked for a long time, and suddenly understood that he had found the person he insisted on learning Go, but was distracted while playing chess, the person he was waiting for. Is it sad, or accidental?At that time, her heart was at a loss, maybe her feelings were always half a beat behind.Just like Cheng Zheng suddenly said to her: Do you want to be my girlfriend?Her reaction was jaw-dropping. She likes Cheng Zheng, not just because of her father's favor for him, maybe people who are pure in nature are easily attracted to each other. When Cheng Zheng laughed, she felt that her own sky had dawned. At that time, her sky also turned gray. When Cheng Zheng was in the most pain, she was by his side. He said he wanted to learn Go, so she taught him. He was very smart and could master it very quickly. Soon, she let him go 5 pieces, and she became defeated by him. .Even if he won the chess, he faced the chessboard with a sadness she didn't understand on his expression.It turned out that he was waiting for someone he thought he couldn't wait for, and she didn't mind staying by his side, filling the gap in his heart, as long as he smiled again. When the two of them were together, they couldn’t help it. Once in his apartment late at night, he was playing chess in the breeze. She leaned over behind him and breathed on his neck. He turned around suddenly. He looked at her with dreamy eyes. Before she could react, she was pushed down on the sofa beside her by Cheng Zheng. Her heart seemed to be jumping out of her chest. No matter how stupid she was, she knew what had happened, but she was willing to bear this strange passion and let his mouth and Hands wandered over her body. When she was stripped of her clothes, she heard Cheng Zheng murmur: "Dizzy..." She was taken aback, and hurriedly asked, "Why are you dizzy?" Cheng Zheng trembled as if he had been beaten by frost, and his whole body stopped. He looked at her with a completely unfamiliar look, completely missing the unbearable passion just now. He looked at her for a long time, then closed his eyes and kissed her frantically again, kissing and kissing, and finally fell off her body weakly, looked at the ceiling, and said helplessly: "Why not? Impossible... ..." Xiaotong actually wanted to tell him that she didn't care about physical lust, she just liked the feeling of being with him, she forgot whether she had said anything at the time, and he looked like he didn't hear anything. Then she saw a strange stone pendant, worn on a thin silver chain, shining like blue tears on his naked chest. They never had such intimate physical contact again. Cheng Zheng didn't talk much when he was with her, but he treated her very well. She had never seen him speak ill of Su Yunjin like that. Perhaps, a certain side of him existed only for her. She just looked at Su Yunjin like this, the people offering incense had already left a few times, but Su Yunjin was still standing there. Seeing her holding a stick of incense, Xiaotong knew what she was thinking, until the incense burnt out, she inserted it into the incense burner as if waking up from a dream, and vaguely heard her say: "...I broke my oath , if there is retribution, punish me." Yun Jin inserted the incense into the censer, turned around and saw Zheng Xiaotong who was staring at her blankly, she couldn't help being a little surprised: "...Hey, you also come to offer incense...alone?" Xiaotong nodded, but couldn't remember what to say to her. Yun Jin smiled at her, as if intending to end this encounter, she also walked aside to donate lamp oil money.Xiaotong followed hesitantly. Although she didn't know what to say, she always felt that she should say something. Sensing that Zheng Xiaotong was still following behind her, Yun Jin looked at her with some surprise: "Is there something wrong?" She and Zheng Xiaotong were actually not familiar with each other, except for Cheng Zheng's relationship, they couldn't even be called acquaintances. "You... also lit the ever-burning lantern? Is it a wish?" Zheng Xiaotong looked at Yunjin and said. Yun Jin smiled, but didn't answer. "Who ordered it for?" In fact, this question was a bit abrupt, but Zheng Xiaotong didn't feel it, she just wanted to know, so she asked. "For a loved one, a dead relative." Yun Jin simply turned around seriously, trying to see what she wanted to say to herself. "Oh..." She didn't seem to have expected such an answer, with an annoyed expression on her face, "Cheng Zheng also has one, and he said it was a wish, but I don't know what it is, do you know?" Yun Jin couldn't help re-examining the timid girl opposite, so she also understood. "I'm sorry, I don't know. I'm sorry, if there is nothing else, I have to go first." She didn't intend to have any intersection with Zheng Xiaotong. "Wait." Zheng Xiaotong anxiously grabbed Yunjin's sleeve, "Can you tell me where Cheng Zheng is?" She asked her where is Cheng Zheng?Yun Jin was puzzled: "You are her girlfriend, but you asked me where he is?" "I thought you'd know." "Feel sorry." It was a really weird conversation. When Yun Jin was about to leave again, Zheng Xiaotong said endlessly behind her: "It was the saddest time for me to walk with him." But Yunjin understood, she looked back at Zheng Xiaotong's innocent angelic eyes.Angels also have desires, and there are people they can't let go of. "Are you happy while being with him?" Yunjin asked. "Yes." She nodded honestly. "You accompany him through the sadness, and you gain happiness in the process. Isn't this a fair thing?" Zheng Xiaotong didn't understand her words for a while, she just looked at Yunjin persistently: "But, you made him sad." Yun Jin pursed her lips tightly: "I think you should understand one thing. You and I had no connection at all, except for Cheng Zheng's relationship. We are strangers. I'm not interested in the matter between him and you. , The matter between me and him has absolutely nothing to do with you... Goodbye." She took Zheng Xiaotong's hand off her clothes and walked away quickly, not looking at Zheng Xiaotong's confused eyes. "This eternal lamp... Cheng Zheng also has one. He said it was a wish, but I don't know what it is. Do you know..." she does not know. Yun Jin drove the car halfway back, suddenly turned sharply and turned the car around, and returned to Liurong Temple as fast as possible. When he returned to the temple, Zheng Xiaotong was no longer there.But Yunjin's mind was not on her, she almost ran to the Guanyin Pavilion, there was still an endless stream of people making wishes, but she stood there, as if she had returned to that summer eight years ago, in the empty temple , she, Cheng Zheng, and Shen Ju'an used to be at this place, kneeling in front of the Buddha and making a wish. That's right, it's here.There were still many merit books on the incense table, and she flipped through them one by one, and she couldn't find any old things from eight years ago.A monk happened to pass by, Yunjin went up to ask him, the young monk shook his head.Yun Jin was in a hurry, clasped his hands together, stuffed a lot of incense money, and the monk walked back to the backyard. Ten minutes later, an older monk came out with a thick stack of papers. Yun Jin took it, not caring about the dusty old merit book, quickly found the record from eight years ago, and then carefully flipped forward.Finally, she found her own handwriting, with only four words on it: Ordinary life.And behind her wish, there is a smooth and strong handwriting, this is what she is looking for. There were only two simple words written in that handwriting: Yunjin. Yun Jin closed the merit book, and slowly straightened her waist. The sound of bells that seemed to be near and far away came from the temple. She looked at Avalokitesvara, who was always full of compassion, and made a sound that she didn't know whether it was a sigh or a cry, and closed her eyes. .