Chapter 40 2. Tian Yang

In those days I often asked myself a question, calmly or frightened: am I a kind person?I've always thought I was.But I can't explain why I did this terrible thing to Jiangdong.I thought it was terrible, although at the time I hadn't figured out what it was.I was sober when Xiao Qiang hugged me, I didn't want to make excuses for myself, I was sober, I knew what I was doing. After asking the first question, there is a second one: Will I lose Jiangdong because of this?I know anyone with a little common sense would say to me emphatically, "Of course you do, you little bitch." But I'm sure there's not a single one of them who wouldn't hope to get away with being forgiven if something like this happened to them.I told myself that maybe he would forgive me, the reason - you see you have forgiven him and... I hate this shameless idea, I said Song Tianyang, how can you be so shameless.

After that and the month before the college entrance examination, I was surprisingly quiet.I never went to find Xiao Qiang again, nor did I quarrel with Jiang Dong once.Sometimes he patted me on the head in surprise, "Why have you been so good these two days? Didn't you quarrel with me anymore?" My eyes were filled with tears at that moment, and I rubbed my face against his sleeve, very In a low voice, almost without confidence, he said: "Jiang Dong, I love you." I love you.I have said this sentence countless times.But the more I talk about it, the less I understand its meaning.

I love you so I can fight the world, myself, and you for you.Because I know I can do anything in the name of love.Like Bonnie and Clyde who kill each other for each other, like Beth in "Breaking the Waves" who goes to bed with all men for her husband, like Marlon Brando in "Last Tango in Paris" for the unforgettable love of his dead wife. Missing to hurt an innocent girl, like the man in "Thirty-seven Degrees Two" smothering the heroine with a pillow.In the name of love, you can do whatever you want, because love makes you believe that everything you do is right, or at least forgivable, or at least beautiful.But no one taught me how to face myself when I did something in the name of "love" that I thought was wrong, ugly and unforgivable What is immortal has long since become another kind of violent love.

I could only endure the torture of shame alone at night when I couldn't sleep.In the midst of these shames, I forced myself to concentrate on completing those "final sprints of the college entrance examination", and ran to the bathroom to take a cold shower after watching the dawn dye the sky-this would make me look refreshed and energetic, so no one would look Finding out that I have suffered so that no one can help me share it is also part of my self-punishment. Jiang Dong still likes to hug me suddenly as usual.And now I can stare at his expression soberly in his hot hug.The moment Xiao Qiang entered my body, it froze some kind of energy deep inside me.I won't bite Jiangdong anymore, I even hold his hand gently now, because I can't bear to hurt him anymore.It's not just me, if anyone said a harsh word to him in front of me now, I would jump up and kill that person.Well now, I said viciously to myself, now you can finally be quiet, now you can finally stop making trouble.Do you know what your name is?You are cheap.

When I think this way, I will suddenly shiver, but Jiang Dong will not ignore any such moment.At such times, he always hugged me warmly and didn't ask any questions.I swallowed back tears in his ever-trusting warmth.I said to myself in my heart: You are not qualified to cry, and you are not qualified to show weakness.It's no use crying, little bitch.Don't think that you have cried countless times behind his back, don't think that you have scolded yourself countless times like this, and your sins can be cleared, it's still too early.Just close your eyes and enjoy the warmth.This kind of warmth named "Jiangdong" has been supporting this girl named "Song Tianyang" like your blood, no, the life of a woman is running.But maybe this time will be the last - if he finds out tomorrow what I've done.

In mid-June, the period I had vaguely feared arrived on schedule and flowed lazily from my body as usual.Like nothing ever happened.There are less than 20 days left before the college entrance examination, and the results of the last mock exam have also been announced.Neither Jiang Dong nor I have missed.Others will look at us high school seniors with sympathy these days, imagining our hellish days in the last twenty days.In fact, this is far from the case.In those last days, the atmosphere in the class was miraculously loose, even laid-back.The teacher didn't care much about those people who blatantly chatted in the self-study class. Usually, the most well-behaved girls read a few romance novels after lunch, and the boys started playing football again. Even Wu Li and a few class leaders They are all planning to escape the Saturday afternoon self-study tutoring to watch "Sweet Honey".

After school, before evening self-study, Jiang Dong and I still often sit together.Don't speak, just sit like that.Sitting on the marble steps is a bit cool.Early summer is the most comfortable season in this city.Neither too hot nor too humid.We looked at our playground, the running track, the trees next to the campus, and the gardenias that were specially bought from the south, but obviously some were not acclimatized.Let's unpack the love letter that a girl in the second year of junior high school blushed and handed to Jiang Dong. For the first time, I discovered that I love Beiming.Although I usually hate the hierarchy here.

The sunset is here.This is a well-grossing tragedy.One evening, Jiang Dong calmly asked me in this well-grown tragedy: "Tian Yang, can you promise me one thing?" I said of course.Then he said: "If one day, you...you have someone else, you have to tell me." "What are you talking about?" My heart sank. "Tianyang, I can see that Xiao Qiang——he likes you. If you——I can actually imagine. You and him have a lot in common. I don't doubt you, but I can't say no Well, no matter what, you must tell me." I think there must be no thought in my brain at that time, only instinct left.It was this instinct that exposed all my cowardice.I know I should admit, admit what I have done, admit that I am not qualified to ask his forgiveness.It was my only chance to admit that I was willing to rejoice in all his punishments.But I stared at him blankly, and without hesitation, I said with difficulty: "He and I, nothing—nothing." I think it was the look on my face that frightened him.He hugged me tightly, and said without hesitation: "If you say there is no, there is no, Tianyang. I'm sorry, it's definitely not that I don't believe you, absolutely not, Tianyang—"

Afterwards, I often think that I really became a woman, not on the day I made love with Xiao Qiang, but on that beautiful evening in June.I can't tell.The cowardice exposed at that moment made me feel ashamed.I comfort myself: cowardice is my right. "Braveness" is what this world requires of men. Who calls me a woman, but this comfort is not convincing at all.In the sleepless night, this comfort, this torment, and a kind of inexplicable hunger came overwhelmingly.I got up and groped my way to the kitchen in the dark.When I opened the refrigerator, the square light and the quiet cold that suddenly emerged from the endless darkness comforted my humiliation and loneliness like an oracle.

On July 1st, Hong Kong returned to the motherland, and the school began to take review leave.Jiang Dong and I read books together every day.Sometimes he comes to my house, sometimes I go to his house.On July 6th, the eve of the college entrance examination, I happened to go to his house. When he was leaving, he suddenly remembered that he had to return some CDs he had borrowed from Xiao Qiang. it's OK. Of course, the result is not as simple as returning a few CDs along the way.When I saw Xiao Qiang, I knew I couldn't escape.Actually I knew it from the beginning.He stood at the door, blocking my way.He looked at me ferociously, and said wildly and lustfully, "Tian Yang, I really miss you these few days."

Then he picked me up and walked into the room with ease.I struggled hard, cried, and said that if you dare to touch me again, I will die for you.Then he softened, brushed trembling fingers over my teary face, and said, "Die. I'll die with you." Then he kissed me and unzipped my dress. "Boss—" I only remembered when I heard that voice, Xiao Qiang forgot to close the door of the inner room.So he let go of me in a hurry, and I hit a pair of eyes squarely. It's Zhang Yuliang.He froze for a moment, then smiled gracefully, "Boss, I didn't bother you, did I?" Three hours later, I walked into that coffee shop.Zhang Yuliang was already there.He called the waitress and ordered two cappuccinos, as polite as ever. "Song Tianyang." He gracefully held a lump of sugar in his hand, "You must sleep with me." The expression on his face is still gentle, which doesn't match what he just said. "Look, Song Tianyang." He was still unhurried, "If you reject me, I will tell Jiangdong immediately about today's events. If you agree, I promise to keep my mouth shut about what I saw today. The college entrance examination is coming, and after today we will go our separate ways. But—" He smiled, "Why don't you call me shameless?" "Because scolding you will lower my status." I remembered the lines in the TV series. "Little girl, your identity is not much higher than mine when you hang out with the little boss of the video store. Think about it, Song Tianyang, I have seen a lot of girls like you, you love Jiangdong, Am I right? If I call now, Tianyang, you—” "'Tian Yang' is not your name." "Okay. Song Tianyang, think about it carefully. What's the date today? July 6th. Tomorrow is the college entrance examination. If I tell Jiang Dong what I saw now, do you want to guess his reaction?" He paused For a moment, "I'll guess for you. The biggest advantage of me is my rich imagination. He will tell me that he doesn't believe me, he will tell me that he only believes in you, and he will turn on me on the phone. But After putting down the phone, I think he will fail the exam tomorrow—this is a bit exaggerated, but I really want to know how he will perform. Maybe I can’t be too pessimistic—some people perform supernormally when stimulated, but Jiang Dong can’t do it, do you agree? I’ve been a classmate for three years, I can tell that Jiang Dong is not a person who can stand up to things, although he will pretend to be nonchalant on the surface. Tian Yang, classmate Song Tianyang, this is the college entrance examination Ah, are you willing?" I looked at his face and felt like I was acting in a movie.What a line.The logic is clear and the reasoning is rigorous, which is in line with the character of the model student.He makes sense, I know.Even if Jiang Dong was already a little skeptical, if he got confirmation from Zhang Yuliang, then it would be something to watch—July 6th, God will really pick a date. The small bubbles of the cappuccino in front of him burst little by little.At that moment, I understood one thing: why did I come to Xiao Qiang alone when I knew it was dangerous.Because I've been waiting for today.During those sleepless nights I didn't realize that I was praying, that I was begging for such a chance at redemption.I remembered Fang Kehan's words: People have to pay the price for what they have done.If I can't prove my love for Jiangdong with loyalty, then I can at least dirty myself for him.I prefer this kind of plot. Zhang Yuliang took out his mobile phone.In 1997, very few high school students in our city had mobile phones.He starts dialing.I could tell from the direction his fingers were moving that he was dialing Jiangdong's number.He dialed very slowly.As expected of Zhang Yuliang.He will take the first place and also fight psychological warfare to torture people.When the number six was dialed, he showed me his mobile phone screen, "It's still one number away, Song Tianyang." I said, "I promise you." He said, "You're smart." Isn't it just going to bed?nothing.Only half an hour at most.I closed my eyes against the smell of a standard hotel room full of rooms.He stood on the filthy red carpet, and when his whole face was lit up with desire, he was not at all as elegant as usual.He came up and took off my clothes skillfully. During that half hour, I just missed my dad very much. Then he fell contentedly on the bed.Kissed my forehead, my neck, and my chest with exactly the same expression as Xiao Qiang.He stroked my face as if admiring a piece of porcelain, "I'll call you after the college entrance examination." Well, the time is right.I fished out the hidden knife from under my pillow—I knew it would come in handy when I got his call.The shining blade looks like a stubborn little boy.While he was still relaxed physically and mentally, while he was almost drowsy and asked me "what are you holding in your hand", I turned over and rode on him, and gently pressed the knife to his throat , "Don't move around." I said, "This knife is fast." In fact, as long as he exerts a little effort, I will be defeated. After all, I am a girl.But I was sure he would have such a soft look.I dare not move, my teeth are chattering. "Song Tianyang, you, you, you are breaking the law." I smiled, "Zhang Yuliang, do you know why I did this?" I patted his face lightly with the back of the knife, and he closed his eyes, "Because of your last sentence. Call me. You said just now that everyone will go their own way after today. I came here to sleep with you, I promised you, and the conditions we negotiated. But Zhang Yuliang broke the contract, so you forced I." He was trembling, and just as he was about to speak, I interrupted him, "Don't worry, I didn't intend to kill you. I just wanted to talk to you. If you don't use this method, you won't be able to listen to me. I I know you are reluctant to die. Who else is more afraid of death than you, Zhang Yuliang? You still have to go to a famous university, get a scholarship, and live a famous life. There are still a lot of people waiting for your photo in the school Hall of Fame. And if you die, I don’t know how many little sisters will shed tears. Zhang Yuliang, but let me tell you, if you think you can do whatever you want because of these, you are wrong. Please remember, just like You think my dignity is nonsense, and your dignity is also nonsense to me. I have finished my words, I wish you a good test tomorrow, I know you are the kind of person who will perform beyond the ordinary when stimulated. " I put away my precious Tibetan knife, got dressed, and I even took my time to the bathroom to get my two braids done.This seedless man seemed to be frightened and stupid. When I went out, he was still lying there motionless. There was a heavy rain in the middle of the night on July 6th, and I fell asleep soundly in the sound of thunder.For the first time in more than a month, I slept so soundly. In this deep, suffocating sleep, I dreamed of Fang Kehan.The surrounding is very quiet.I was sitting in the stands of the basketball hall, and I could see the basketballs scattered on the wooden floor.She combed my hair slowly with a small wooden comb.Finish my braid on the left, and then the one on the right.Her hands were warm, not at all like the ghosts that people usually say. "Okay." She cupped my face after tying the ribbon, "let me see you." She leaned against the railing, holding her waist with difficulty.Only then did I see clearly the huge belly under her loose long skirt. "Fang Kehan?" In my dream, my exclamation sounded so empty that it was scary. She smiled shyly: "Is my current appearance ugly?" "Who's daddy?" Her eyes rested on the sunlight pouring down from the skylight.She said, "God." "Is it a boy or a girl?" She looked into my eyes deeply: "I hope it's a girl. Because I want to name her 'Tian Yang'." I hold her tight.Burying her face in her chest, she still smelled that cheap perfume.But because of her pregnancy, she still has a milky smell.After the two breaths are mixed, it becomes a tear-jerking fragrance. My tears literally came down.into the shadowy gully of her towering breasts.I said, "You know it all, don't you?" "Of course." She sighed, stroking my back: "Tianyang, you are so stupid."